Babysitter Has Friend Round Without Asking/Telling Us

[Pupsiecola]

Just back from a night at the cinema. 16 year old boy (S) from next door has been "babysitting" (DS1 is 11, DS2 is almost 9). It's the third time he's done so. Nice polite boy from a good family and the boys like it when he looks after them. He got here at 7.15pm. We went out at 7.30pm. Back at 10.45pm. Boys went to bed at 8pm.

DS2 just woke up. Told me that S had a friend round. Didn't stay long but was a nice boy and good fun apparently. Said he was just passing by and asked S if he could pop in. Clearly S said yes. In this half-hour window between us going out and the boys going to bed?! And this friend told our DCs not to tell us he'd been round in case S got into trouble.

DH and I feel very disappointed that a) S didn't check with us first (and if he had we'd probably have said no), b) didn't tell us a friend had been round when we got home and c) his friend told our children to lie to us.

We've never met this friend. We feel very uncomfortable that he's been with our children and in our house.

Is this a reasonable response? I don't have S's number or email - we arrange babysitting duties with his mum whom we don't know massively well as we have only lived here for a year. He's meant to be babysitting next Saturday night. So I guess I need to email her to say it's unacceptable to invite friends over.

WWYD?

[BOFtastic]

I would say that you need to just talk to him and say that you would rather he didn't let friends in. He sounds like a nice lad, and I'm sure he'll take it on board.

Then thank your lucky stars you didn't find an almost empty wrap of cocaine under your bed, like i once did after using the 15 year old girl from over the road...

[SirChenjin]

You are quite right not to feel happy about it - and I'm speaking as a parent of teens and as someone who has used teenager babysitters in the past when the DCs were younger. Every one, without fail, asked in advance if they could bring a friend/boyfriend/girlfriend, and now my eldest teen does the same when he babysits. It's just common courtesy - it's not your house, so you can't invite someone in without their knowledge, and you certainly don't tell the children you're babysitting to hide the fact from their parents.

[MamaPain]

But wouldn't you just knock on the door and ask to have a chat with him? Rather than his mum I mean.

I think it's really minor and if this boy just popped round it's harmless. I suppose he could be gay but I would be much more about him having a girl round.

[Brabra]

You are sounding even more ridiculous now. So it wasn't that it was a stranger, it was that it was a male?

[olidusUrsus]

He sounds naive, not malicious, and you just need to gently outline that it's not ok for him to have guests over (or it is ok but you'd like to know about it in advance). FWIW it sounds like an impromptu visit that he was pleased about so he didn't realise that it would be overstepping a boundary - esp if your kids liked the visitor and were happy for him to join in. If you're his first babysitting gig then it's perfectly reasonable that he didn't twig.

Just bite the bullet and talk to him. If you knock and he's not in, ask his mum for his number. You employ him, not her, so there's no reason to discuss it with her at all.

[cleofatra]

I wouldnt be happy either but if he lives next door, wouldn't there be an opportunity to see him "over the fence"? I would wait until I saw him and then "thank " him for his last babysitting gig and then let him know that you are not happy and reiterate the ground rules for future babysitting.

[Pupsiecola]

I am uncomfortable with it for the reasons stated Brabra. And I am wondering if feel more uncomfortable because it was a male.

[MamaPain]

Why do you think you're more uncomfortable that it was a boy?

[AcrossthePond55]

Very simply say "XXX, I understand that last time you babysat, a mate of yours dropped by for a bit. I know we never talked about that before but in future we'd prefer that you NOT have friends in when you are sitting. No harm, no foul for last time, but now you know".

[Caitlin17]

Sir the boy is doing the OP a favour. She needs a babysitter and from what she has said her choices are limited.

He's a teenage boy, I doubt "the big comfy sofa and plasma TV" are quite as thrilling as the OP thinks. Presumably his own house has furniture?

And as for "help yourself to as much as you like from the fridge" big deal- every one says that to babysitters and in my experience (both of being a baby sitter and a parent) hardly anything gets touched.

He gets away from his parents? Well he could do that by going out with a friend.

[Pupsiecola]

Perhaps because of abuse I suffered as a child (by a music teacher my parents sent me to for lessons). Perhaps because paedophiles are mucy more likely to be male. Perhaps because boys tend to be more aggressive/don't mature as early etc. (Not saying our neighbour or his friend are like this. The point is we've never met the friend). I don't know. I'm just trying to get to the bottom of it so that I can deal with it in a considered and not unreasonable way.

[Pupsiecola]

He's studying for his exams. He's not the kind of lad who goes out with his mates on a Saturday night. He is grateful for both the money and the experience.

[Nandocushion]

I love how you posted asking a reasonable question about your babysitter and you got people questioning your DSs' bedtime. MN is an odd place sometimes!

If you are paying him, he is NOT "doing you a favour" (this is one of the weirder things I have read here!), and you get to call the shots as it's your house. Get his mobile number from his mum, call to confirm and mention that he's not to have friends over - totally reasonable.

[Pupsiecola]

Thanks Nandocushion. Yep, I thought they were odd responses too (but stopped short of questioning why a 4 year old is up much later than 8pm - sleep is as important to a child whether they've got school the next day or not...).

I'm going to get his number and talk to him. I will speak to DH about what the boundaries will be in the morning and we'll go from there. Thanks for those of you who have been supportive and helpful.

[HadABadDay2014]

It's normal for teens to have friend around while babysitting

I find you views rather odd, do you really think this young lad will sit back and watch your child being abused.

[MamaPain]

Well based on that reasoning, I think I would confidently say YABU, about the issue of the friend being male. I think you've obviously had some horrible experiences but they are currently clouding your judgement, I really don't think there is any reason to feel more comfortable about it being a girl rather than a boy that comes over.

As I said, I would be extremely about a girl having been round, as whilst I'm happy for friends to be over when teens are babysitting, I'm not happy for my home to play host to them getting their end away.

B the way, I don't agree he is doing you a favour, but just because he doesn't go raving at the weekend, doesn't mean he has no social life. Its more likely he has friends round or goes to their houses and you just aren't aware, I highly doubt he is studying at 9pm on a saturday night, regardless of how studious he is.

[Caitlin17]

Paying someone doesn't stop it being a favour. He's not running a babysitting agency.He's doing you a favour as you need a babysitter.

He could be out with friends or he could be in studying; he's decided to do neither which allows you to go out.

[Pupsiecola]

Of course I don't HadABadDay2014. It's just a fleeting thought because I've never met this other boy. I have no gut feeling about him.

[Caitlin17]

Due to a mix up in dates I couldn't get my cats in the cattery, a friend's daughter did me the massive favour of cat sitting. She was generously paid for her time, didn't stop it being a favour.

[aroomofherown]

OK so you aren't comfortable. You need it not to happen again.

The babysitter is a teenager who probably doesn't really get the ins and outs of his responsibilities.

Just talk to the teenager and express that you'd rather he didn't bring friends around. Help him understand why./

[Pupsiecola]

Regards the who's doing who a favour, he has a choice. He doesn't have to babysit, he could just say he's busy. It works both ways. He earns more than his retail job and he sits on his bum watching TV.

[5madthings]

Op Yanbu, my teenage son babysit and he would not have done this.

Fair enough to check first and ask if he could have a friend round but you don't just invite them in.

Is it likely his friend was just passing by? Or could it have been pre arranged?


Just talk to babysitter and establish rules.


I think slightlyu re the gender issue but you have reason to be.

Hope you can have a chat with babysitter and Malay your fears.

[Nandocushion]

It's not a favour. OP has a job that needs doing and is offering money for someone to do it. He wants the money, so he is doing it. He is not doing it out of the goodness of his heart. It's a basic commercial transaction.

[Pupsiecola]

Seems odd that his friend should just be passing, given the geography of where we live, and given the time window was so small. Not impossible, but odd.

[Mutley77]

No yanbu but you need to discuss directly with him. Next time he babysits bring it up before you go out. I would cover what your expectations are and also that you can't continue with him as a babysitter if you ever hear that the children have been encouraged to cover something up. You can do it in a fairly light hearted way, if he is a decent child he will probably feel a bit mortified and won't try the same thing again.
I personally would also get his number. My babysitter and I communicate by text while she's here which makes those quick queries easy to manage. She has previously texted to ask if a friend can pop in (teenagers are spontaneous an did can't always be arranged in advance).