to not let friend stay with us and be a bit pissed off with DH about it?

[Menolly]

I'm a regular, have NCed for this.

One of our friends has just lost her job and is facing losing her home as she can't afford the rent, she has no family in England. DH, without speaking to me, told her if it comes to it she can move in with us.

I love this friend dearly and obviously I don't want to see her on the streets but she smokes weed and has told me before that she can't sleep unless she's had a joint, which whilst she's doing it in her own home is IMO her business, but she knows I don't like it. There have been a couple of times she's been round and smoked it on the balcony, after DD was in bed, even though I've told her that I didn't want her to even have it on her if she was coming round here, so if she can't respect that even for an evening then I'm worried that she's going to have drugs in the house, which I don't want round DD. Plus it's a council flat and says quite clearly in our tenancy that allowing drug use could get us evicted, so it only takes someone smelling it and complaining and we are screwed.

There are other issues as well, but I could probably find a way to live with these/work out a way to solve them if there wasn't the worry about drugs. The flat is only 2 bedrooms, so we don't have a spare room and she'd have to sleep in our living room which would be annoying. We struggle to afford bills anyway so adding another persons food/electric/water usage would make life hard but we couldn't ask her for any money as a) the council would view that as us having a lodger and b) because she's not a British Citizen she's not even sure she can claim benefits so may well have no money at all. She tells DD off, and whilst I'm quite happy for other people to tell DD off if she's being a brat, friend tells her off for things I wouldn't and is nastier with her telling off than I am.

I'm also really pissed off with DH for not talking to me about it first.

So AIBU and selfish as DH says I am?

[ukatlast]

YANBU at all. What do you even get out of the friendship? How silly would it be to risk you all being evicted just to help her is so disrespectful in so many ways? If she is not legally in UK, that is her problem, not yours.

[ukatlast]

She sounds like that leech Jezza in 'Girls' lol.

[QuacksForDoughnuts]

Did OP say the friend was not here legally? 'Can't claim benefits here' doesn't necessarily equal 'shouldn't be here'.

[Menolly]

She is legally in the UK, she has indefinite leave to remain and has been working and paying tax here for 15 years but she doesn't have citizenship.

[EverythingsDozy]

Have you checked your tenancy? I am in a council property and mine says that I can have people staying but only if it doesn't overcrowd the house, so I can't have anyone stay long term as I have a two bed for me and my children.

[Blueberryshot]

No, no, no! Once she is in, she'll stay. Your commitment is to your family, not to your friend who is an adult and can look after herself. She will need to claim benefits, she will be entitled if she has worked or even just studied in the uk previously, I think.

For some people smoking drugs is normal and no different to drinking but the smell is awful and I wouldn't want that anywhere near my home, no way!

A long time ago, I let a friend stay in the living room of my flat share. She turned my flat mates against me and I ended up having to look for other accommodation.

Do not do this, it will create a world of problems. She surely has family where she comes from? They will have to help her.

Wrt your dh, he made a mistake, don't dwell on it, nothing good will come from it, the friend might even get in between you (actually already has hasn't she?). State clearly to dh that friend cannot stay, don't over explain, don't make a drama out of it.

Let it go away quietly. Helping your friend with filling in forms is ok up to a point. Remember she is a self reliant adult, NOT a helpless child. If it doe st work out for her here, she has probably the option to go back?

[CoffeeTea103]

Hi op, this is such a no no and would cause endless problems for you. Not to mention between you and your DH as he doesn't even see the issues now! He won't support you when you are really knee deep in it.
Besides the most compelling reason is that you have a child! Sorry but there is absolutely no way drugs around anyone let alone a child is acceptable. Your DH needs to be the one to sort this one out.

[Sunnysummer]

She doesn't sound much like a friend to me. And the fact that she went your DH first rather than coming to you practically confirms it.

Even one of the lack of extra bedroom, the risking your tenancy, the pot and the nastiness to your daughter would be a veto to me, all together it sounds crazy to let her stay.

[Finola1step]

Just another thing to consider with the weed... If the woman does smoke it in your home while you are not there, the smell will probably linger and cling to clothes (including your dd's). Your dd then goes into school and teacher catches a whiff of stale weed. School will think its you and dh smoking it in the family home. Whilst this would not be a reason in itself for school to call ss, the school would then be keeping a very close eye on your dd.

I'm an Assistant Head of a primary school. We do smell it on clothes, coats and book bags. We know which children. Those children are then very likely to be monitored very closely, put on our vulnerable list, parents called in to discuss etc.

You might want to discuss this with your DH. If your friend needs to smoke weed to get to sleep and has already smoked it off your balcony, then she realistically isn't just going to stop, is she?

[Menolly]

Everythings mine says so long as not overcrowding and that if they are paying anything or plan to stay longer than 14 days permission has to be sought from the council.

Blueberry, I've told her to go to the CAB about the benefits as I think she probably can claim but was given bad advice. Going back would be difficult because of cost and the family she has live in a shanty town so aren't in a position to help her.

Sunny, she was friends with both of us before DH and I knew each other so her talking to DH when they bumped into each other isn't that weird.

Finola, I hadn't thought about that, what the school think is quite important to DH so that might actually be enough to make him see it's a stupid idea, thanks.

[kentishgirl]

she has ILR - she can claim benefits. Who told her she couldn't? Why bother with CAB - just get her to put in the claims.

[kentishgirl]

So she can get housing benefit and not end up homeless and on your sofa.

[vintagesewingmachine]

Put a stop to this now before she sets foot across your threshold. I once let a friend stay for a couple of weeks after her boyfriend threw her out. She had no job and no money and stayed in my house all day smoking, drinking, watching TV, eating me out of house and home, doing her laundry but not putting mine in as well and doing no housework while I worked full time. After plenty of hints which she ignored, I told her she needed to be gone by the weekend as I had relatives coming to stay(my house was a 2bed tiny cottage). It was a total lie but I was just so fed up of her leeching off me.
I did not see her after that for many months as she was one of those people whose life lurches from one crisis to the next and I find it difficult to ignore someone in need but for my sanity, I could never have anyone who wasn't in my immediate nuclear family living in my home again.

[Menolly]

kentishgirl, thanks, that's what I thought, having spoken to her this morning she got her information from a friend who works for KCC but has nothing to do with benefits I've told her to go get the forms and I'll help her fill them in.

DH has finally said she can't stay, we had a few days arguing over it but he got the point eventually.

[NoodleOodle]

Nothing to do with the weed, she can not stay at your house. You don't want her there, he shouldn't have offered without discussing it with you first.

If it comes to it, let her sleep for the first night, and then drop her off at council the next morning to make a homeless claim.