AIBU re taking time off work when DC sick

[NoonarAgain]

There was a situation at work in which my boss implied that she expects both parents to split things 50/50 if they need to look after sick dc/ attend hospital appointments etc.

AIBU to think that if an employee is within their quota of time off allowed in such circumstances, that the boss has no right to suggest that an employee's spouse should be doing 'their share'.

This is a public sector, setting, btw, so v clear guidelines on what is allowed.

although I can see that sharing this kind of responsibility is ideal for many. but I can think of many high pressure/ 'high responsibility' jobs (eg barrister, heart surgeon) where the fall out would be immeasurable if time off were taken for these reasons. So, in a partnership with certain occupations the spouse/ partner may be the one to do all/ most of the sick cover.


AIBU?

[littlebluedog12]

I absolutely think that, where possible, it should be 50/50. Or at least whoever's work will be least impacted that day, which may well not be the lower earner.

Eg my DD came down with a horrible bug on the same day that I was due to accompany my class as a TA to the science museum in London. If I hadn't gone to work they wouldn't have had enough adults to do the trip, they would possibly have taken a different TA out of class to do it but that would have impacted on her class, and she might not have been able to do it for childcare reasons as the coach was getting back late.

DH on the other hand, as a senior manager, was able to take the day off and do bits of work/phonecalls etc around looking after DD. Worked out better for everyone.

[Joiningthegang]

I agree with affinia
We both work and often play work top trumps if one of the children is ill - often the more senior you are the easier it is to rearrange your day or work from home.

Also depend where you are when school call!

As a manager I get annoyed if one partner always does it and the other doesn't take responsibility. I would also probably no help but mention it at some point if it was especially inconvenient.

[weebairn]

I'm a hospital doctor; my boyfriend does something on the internet for a mate.
I feel really guilty at the amount of time off he's had this year to look after the baby.
But I haven't had a single day off. I just CAN'T. Hospital on call shifts are not possible to call in sick to. We are so stretched. We are so understaffed already. Admissions are way up this year, every year they are older and sicker and it's just nonstop.
My employers have no idea how many days I would have had off if DP hadn't taken them.
It's a tricky one.

[KristinaM]

Ooh all this melodrama makes me really cross! Not all the fathers in this country are brain surgeons or barristers or the prime minster. As others have pointed out, barristers are not in court every day, neurosurgeons don't operate every day .

Most father have perfectly ordinary jobs, like sales reps or bus drivers , loss adjusters or joiners. The British economy will not fail if they take a day off to look after their sick child.

Most of the father who say "I couldn't possibly take time off " actually mean things like

I'm too embarrassed to ask because no one else does
My colleagues won't take me so seriously
It's a woman's job
If might affect my chances of promotion
It will be awkward
I will have to catch up on the work another time
I might miss something important
It will be inconvenient for my team

All of which might be true. BUT they are true for mothers as well.

I hope all these mothers ( and their children ) who make all the financial and career sacrifices to enable their partner to earn lots more end up getting a fair share of the rewards of his career.

[SuckItAndSee]

i assume most couple generally have a quick round of Diary Top Trumps

eg my ward round trumps would definitely trump his report writing, but in turn would be trumped by a court appearance.

TBH this system tends towards DH taking time off rather than me, but I would not hesitate to take time off if he were in court.

[WWOOWW]

I work for a LA (social worker) and DH owns his own company (working away from the home). If he doesn't work he loses money. I get good A/L but no child related days.

Kids are rarely off sick but if they are I will generally do the part when they need to be at home and he takes them into work when they are feeling too rough for school but not sick iyswim.

[affinia]

Yes they probably do but I was shocked at how many women sat in their reviews explaining their attendance issues by saying their DH/partner 'couldn't take any time off' as if that were the end of the story. Am sure they didn't feel great about it either and they really needed to have that discussion with their DH/DP, not during their work review. Completely agree with KristinaM's summary!

[chutneypig]

Clearly family situations differ and each has to come to terms with dealing with sickness in the best way they can. For a percentage it clearly would be impossible for a50:50 split but I'd imagine the majority of cases fit with KristinaM's summary. And either way, the employer of the partner doing all the sick days is unlikely to view it as anything other than a negative. Why would they do otherwise?

For us it's varied as to who has taken more time, depending on the job situation at the time. Currently it's far more likely to be DH who takes the time but we always compare diaries.

[Scholes34]

It's all about mutual respect between you and your employer. I've taken odd days in the past, so has DH, who has a more senior role than me and can more easily arrange to work from home. To make up for time off work, I've gone in earlier on other days or left later. I've also been willing to go in at the weekend, when required, so it makes it a lot easier to ask for time off when needed.

I'm a bit about the poster who is allowed 80 hours' sick leave a year. What do you do if you fail to use up your quota before the end of the leave year?

[MajorGrinch]

What's the score if you exceed your quota of leave & your employer won't give you unpaid leave? That may well happen at some stage & if you've come across as classing your job as second best it may not help your case!

Irregardless of which job pays the most, to your employer her job is the most important - she has no interest in your OH's job.

Which is perfectly correct.

[WooWooOwl]

I can see both sides of this so I'm firmly on the fence!

As school support staff I'm paid a pittance and DH earns slightly more in a week than I make in a month, so it's a fact that his job is more important than mine with regards to our finances, especially as he's contract and doesn't get any sick or holiday pay.

But in reality there have been a couple of occasions where he has taken days off to cover childcare because I know that being a staff member down will mean chaos at school during certain lessons and children won't get the same level of education that day if one of us is missing. Plus me having a day off affects my colleagues a lot more than DH having a day off will affect his, so we find ourselves in a ridiculous situation where our family loses money for the sake of other people's children.

Ultimately I think I believe time off should be split between the couple, even if one partner is earning significantly more than the other.

[BusinessUnusual]

Shared equally and I always casually mention "DC is sick today so DH is home; if he's still sick tomorrow I'll need to be off" or similar.

Diary top trumps to see who takes the first day.

If one if you works part time then I would have thought the other takes more days off (as on average the part time person will cover more with their normal days off)

However, if one work place has a better leave policy it might well not be50:50 but I'd try and keep it at 60:40 or something, def not 100:0 as seems to be the case here.

[MyNameIsKenAdams]

Dh was telling me about a country where any parental leave etc taken in the first half of the.month is done by thw men and in the second half of the.month by the women. Keeps things even I suppose!

[BusinessUnusual]

For a school worker, the partner will never have to cover sick kids for one quarter of the year so if anything the partner should cover slightly more than 50% of term
Time sickness.

[RedHelenB]

Why are barristers so important - court times can be rescheduled, it's hardly a matter of life & death!

[KristinaM]

Woo -surely YOUR family is losing money because one of YOUR children is sick? And surely treating YOUR employer fairly is part of keeping YOUR job, which benefits YOUR family?

I dont see how your sharing such leave with your childrens father is somehow for the Benefit of other peoples children ?

I think some parents need to think beyond the short term issues of " who wil lose a days pay this month " and look toward as the long term. Women always being the one to take sick leave and expecting their employer to make allowances for them will ultimately damage their career , earning power and pension.

Juts remember that between 35-50% of the men for whom all these allowances are being made ( of course his job is more important than mine , he earns more ) will bugger off in the end . And if you want to know how many of them will be reasonable and do 50% of the child rearing and pay their share -check out the single parent and relationship threads here.

[littledrummergirl]

Affinia, I absolutely agree that is is relevant to my family. My responsibilty first and foremost is to my family. If I had a career or a job that did more than pay a wage then it might be different.

[babacoon]

OP,

I work in a highly pressurised job where sometimes it is just not possible to take time off so DH does most of the childcare.

Having said that I now make it a point to either take time off when DS is unwell or work from home to atleast be around him . Fortunately I can do it and I completely understand that most people wouldn't be able to make this sort of arrangement.

I think that if your company policy allows you to take time off when your DC is sick then no one should be telling you what your other half should be doing or not doing. It is your personal matter. Your boss/ company do not have an automatic right to dictate your personal life because they employ you.

[SeaSickSal]

Noonar, you are coming up with a lot of hypotheticals but you don't say they apply to you. Yes if course if someone has a job where it's going to hugely impact other people (barrister, surgeon) an employer should be sympathetic. A hypothetical situation is no justification though.

She can't force you, but I think you would be blind not to see this will probably rule out promotion for you and mean you are first in line for redundancy.

[JammieCodger]

Glad to see this has moved on from the 'Depends who's the main wage earner' argument. It should have nothing to do with who earns more money and be entirely down to whose job is more flexible on any given day.

Many low paid jobs are much less flexible than higher paid managerial posts. My husband and I both work in the same field. He is two grades higher than me and full time to my part time, but that's not something that comes into the equation at all. We look at if either of us has any immovable meetings, and if we're both equally free then it will come down to who drew the short straw last time. If we are both particuarly busy then one will aim to get into work very early, do five hours or so then head home and let the other go in and work late. On the extremely rare occasions that we both have meetings at the same time, it will more often be him who rearranges; its a benefit of his seniority that he's far more likely to be able to do that than I am.

[BusinessUnusual]

Yy Jammie. I am client facing, DH manages an internal team and rarely has client meetings. That plays a part in diary top trumps.

[Mushypeasandchipstogo]

It should be 50 / 50 as much as possible. It is in our house but it depends who has the busiest day. Incidentally most female GPs I know have au pairs or nannys who can help out if need be.

[HappyMummyOfOne]

It should be 50/50 as much as possible so that the burden is shared between employers.

I think some people see paid dependents leave as extra holiday like sick leave and use their quota before considering any other options. Where dependants leave is not paid or annual leave needs to be used people tend to split the cover more.