How to be assertive with visitors?

[shahs010]

Hi,

Our first baby is due in 5 weeks. My husband and I are really excited and have prepared as much as possible.

However, more recently I've started to feel a bit smothered by the constant advice and tips from my in laws. I'm starting to feel really pressured.

My mother-in-law was even expecting to sleep over during the first few nights after the baby is here even though she lives locally! My husband is really supportive and has been assertive with his mother.
I just wondered if anyone had any experience or advice to help me to get through this period? I can see that it might be worse when the baby is here as it is their first grandchild! Particularly as they have a habit of turning up at our house unannounced!!

Please help!
Thank you! :-)

[shahs010]

Thanks Cogito! I agree. Being assertive and confident is important in all walks of life with everyone. We all deserve self respect.
I spoke to my husband this morning and he has agreed to stand guard and be doorman if necessary! It was really nice to lighten up about it all.

You guys have all been really great, thanks again X

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'd suggest you work on being assertive & confident all the time rather than simply with visitors. Reason being that others, if they sense any self-doubt or weakness on your part, are more likely to barrel in and push you to one side. "The poor dear can't cope!!!... I'll have to rescue the baby!!!" is their rationale.

Pick one really good friend (preferably one with a baby) to confide in if you're having any baby-related issues (or your HV, GP or even MN) but, to the rest of the world, cultivate a façade of 100% confidence and self-assurance. Tell your DH to back you up on this and present a united front... you don't want him going crying to Mummy that there are any problems or she'll see it as a green light to take over

[MarthasHarbour]

Well done OP! That list should go in classics

And to those not listening for the brazillionth time - we are not talking about shuttting family out

[shahs010]

Thanks again for your advice and support I have devised a top 10 tips list from the posts received and from my own reflections, for myself and for others that may feel the same as I do:

1. Be polite and courteous to all visitors, it's their first grandchild so they're excited! Remember though courtesy works both ways.
2. No means no - stick to your guns. Use the broken record technique if visitors are not listening or respectful of the time and space you.
3. Give an allocated time slot and make sure both you and your visitor sticks to it e.g. 30 minutes and be confident in saying when their time is up.
4. Be decisive.
5. Have positive and assertive body language, upright posture etc.
6. Get husband/partners support to back you up.
7. Be careful of the level if information you disclose to them...keep the boundaries of your relationship clear.
8. Use strong and clear language. Stand up for yourself and your right time have your boundaries respected. It's not your responsibility to protect their feelings, they're old enough to look after themselves.
9. Speak in the first person.

10. If all else fails, lock your front door, close the curtains and turn off your phone! Just because someone is at the door, does not mean that we automatically "have to" answer it!

As with all things I believe that it is important to achieve a balance. I believe that each person has the right to have their boundaries respected.

Much love and hugs Xx

[innisglas]

I remember when I brought my baby home and everyone was picking her up and inside I really didn't want to share her, but kept quiet about it because I knew she wasn't just mine, she was a member of the family. Now, nearly 30 years later I don't know what I would have done without my in-laws, especially my darling mother-in-law.
I am curious about the people who believe that they don't need anyone else to bring their children up. If it hadn't been for my in-laws, my daughter as a teenager could have gone completely off the rails. And I was certainly doing the best I could, but their unconditional love was the saving grace.

[DoJo]

Can't believe anyone would refuse to answer their door to family - way too precious!

Can't believe a family member would impose themselves on new parents without giving a second thought to whether they would be welcome or not. Would you not want to avoid making things more difficult for them?

[ifyourehoppyandyouknowit]

When I came home from hospital, my vagina was bruised and extensively stitched back to together. I was visibly wincing when I stood up or sat down. It hurt so much I cried when I had to pee. I was literally spurting milk across the room when DS was latching on and off to feed. Unannounced visitors, family or the fucking queen, could fuck the fuck off.

[chocolatemademefat]

A few weeks of broken sleep - or no sleep at all and you'll be out searching for your MIL! I know babies are special but we've all been there. Can't believe anyone would refuse to answer their door to family - way too precious! Not everyone comes home from hospital full of energy so take the help when its offered - let your MIL be excited too - it'll pay dividends in years to come.

[Supercosy]

It's not rude to turn guests away under these circumstances. I visited my good friend just the other day with a gift for her newborn and dropped it off because I was passing. Her husband gratefully accepted the gift at the door but asked if I'd mind coming back another time as my friend was struggling with feeding at that moment. I agreed instantly, I'd already apologised for knocking unannounced. The feelings of the parents and baby are paramount in this situation, above the feelings of others.

[EugenesAxe]

*can't imagine

[EugenesAxe]

Try not to panic about this if you can. Don't get all entrenched and try to go with the flow. After the baby has arrived, if you still feel the same, do as Worra says.

Personally, in the first two weeks DH and I dreaded the idea of nights when we would be alone. Even if we coped with it all ourselves when the others were in the house (and we frequently did), we were so highly strung and tired that it was good to know that we could call on them if necessary. There's this perception of needing to be apart from the world, bonding with your newborn, and while for some people this will be true and an easy time, for as many the reality of being a parent, the hormones, the birth or breastfeeding pain etc. make support really, really welcome. And I say this as someone that had no major issues or depression or anything; you do definitely get through and having a baby is wonderful... but you need to be flexible as until you're there you can imagine how you'll handle things.

[PervyMuskrat]

Why not wait and see how you feel when you've had the baby? When I came out of hospital with DS, I'd had about 4 hours sleep in 3 days (short labour but overnight meaning no sleep at all that night) and MIL came home with us and was a godsend. She ordered takeaway and looked after DS so that we could eat, cleaned up for us, went to the shops to get additional clothes etc etc. Might not be to everyone's liking, but she also had him in her room on the 2nd night when we were on our knees with exhaustion, bringing him in for feeds when needed. She's lovely and I still appreciate the help she gave (and continues to give)

[Supercosy]

Totally understand your feelings OP. It's not that you want to block your MIL out it's just that you don't know exactly how you're going to feel straight after having your baby and it can be an overwhelming time. You may be getting used to breastfeeding, deprived of sleep, feeling hormonal, etc, you might just want a bit of a quiet time to yourselves.

I am a really sociable person but I found all the people clamouring to visit when Dd was born really, really stressful. No matter what people said you do have to do an element of "entertaining" and you perhaps don't feel up to it. Some people are sensitive and brilliant and don't stay for ages but some people are really clueless.

I think the suggesitons given are great. I like the sign on the door and just a little word to say "could you just text before you please" is more than reasonable.

Best of luck with your baby x

[FryOneFatManic]

A few days grace and waiting to be invited is nowhere near the same thing as waiting "ages and ages".

As parents, we've had our chance to be parents, that's in the past. Our children have to learn to be parents now, and sometimes that does, indeed, mean giving them the space to do this.

And again, some of these boundaries have a lot to do with the difference in being a family used to "popping in" or a family used to making arrangements. It's not always down to seeing one person/family as toxic.

Neither way is wrong, neither way is right. It's about respect, respecting what the other person is used to.

Lucky for me, both mine and DP's families are not popper inners, so both sides are used to this.

[TheScience]

I often feel very lucky that both my mother and MIL actually remember what it was like having a newborn, and were nothing but respectful, helpful and therefore very welcome when DS was born! I hope I will behave similarly when I am a grandmother

It says something that some posters think it is unreasonable to have to arrange to visit a new mother rather than just turn up whenever you want and stay for however long you fancy - I feel for their future DIL!

[DoJo]

'THe idea of it ever being so inconvenient for a family member to call round that you would send them away is unbelievably horrible. How can you be so rude?'

I find the idea of dropping on someone with a newborn without calling first to check that's it's a good time pretty rude to be honest. For the first few days after we were home from the hospital, I was in a lot of pain, having trouble establishing feeding and having to feed every two hours throughout the day and night, so if someone had come round at one of the rare moments that we were all asleep it would have been incredibly frustrating. Assuming that people are happy to see you whenever you turn up shows a lack of courtesy that I think is much worse than people making their newborn a priority over other family members.

[shahs010]

Thank you so so much for your help and advice. I feel very grateful to you all for taking the time out to add your comments. I haven taken on board all of your advice and opinions and will be much more assertive and also more compassionate with first time grandparents. I guess it's important to put everything into perspective.
love and hugs Xx

[Aeroflotgirl]

Yanbu just because you want to be alone for a bit to find your feet does not mean you don't want any loving family there! Too many cooks spoil the broth and it can hinder things.

[kally195]

cardibach I do see your point in terms of shutting people out and "not allowing" family members to see a new baby. I really don't think however that this is what the OP is talking about. I think she is more concerned about appropriate boundaries, and having the time that she, OH and baby need/want to adjust.

For us, the point at which OH found out that his father had told me that "if we think anything would stop them putting the suitcases in the car the minute they find out I am in labour then we have another thing coming" was the point at which he stated we would, in that case, be telling them three weeks after baby arrives. He was only slightly joking.

It's not about being mean, or shutting them out. It's about taking the necessary steps if they refuse to respect our wishes.

[fryingpantoface]

I hate people dropping in. Even family. I would hate being in my pjs and someone turning up, I'd feel on edge. In fact, dh's aunt and uncle arrived to meet ds2 an hour earlier then planned. I was in my pjs, hadn't showered, the kitchen was a mess... I felt very uncomfortable and on edge. It didn't help that dh was still getting ds1 from nursery so wasn't in yet.

[MaxsMummy2012]

when hubby's paternity leave ended I physically hid from my pil (once behind the kitchen door as they were peering in through the window! and when they phoned to say 'we visited where were you?' I lied and said 'oh did you? we were sleeping!' that or sometimes I didn't answer the phone at all ha ha - it didn't take long before they took the hint and stopped turning up unannounced!

[fryingpantoface]

I have a 6 wk old. What worked for me was having dh on board, he was actually more vigilant than me about making sure people didn't stay too long. On the day ds2 was born we told mil she could come over for 30 mins, when she got here dh reiterated the 30 mins and then said it was time for them to go.

Everyone else we said they needed to call/book a time (which sounds awful) but it worked.

tell mil that she cant stay over, there is no need.

best of luck!

[MarthasHarbour]

thescience cross posts

[MarthasHarbour]

I am not saying we dont want to accept help. We just dont want to be harangued into accepting it.

Its not a MN 'hate' for droppers in. It is people wanting their space and wishes respected.

We are not talking ages and ages - of course i would be hurt if i was shut out - but that is not what we are talking about. We are talking about visitors respecting the new parent's wish for space. Not turning up on the doorstep unnanounced (i would never do that even to family - particularly after a birth), not overstaying a welcome and not expecting to stay over when you live local.

[TheScience]

I would never turn up unannounced at the home of someone who had just had a baby - even if they were my sons! I can't think of anything more rude and inappropriate, and am surprised anyone who has had a baby themselves would think it ok.

Having a few sensible boundaries for visitors (like calling to ask for an invite, making it a convenient time, and making the visit short) is perfectly reasonable and doesn't even hint at "shutting family out".