Since i had my daughter my life has been pretty much ruled by intrusive thoughts.
I think about my children dying constantly. I check on them compulsively. I don't sleep because of it. I sleep for a few hours from around 5am in two hour blocks. Every few days i'll have a five hour solid block.
I don't let them do things like eat with forks sometimes because i think they will somehow stab themselves in the back of the mouth (I had a dream about it once that triggered that particular one).
When i first told a doctor about it, the doctor didn't listen and told an emergency team of psychiatrists that i was suicidal (I was not, and i had never said i was, she asked and i said no i was not suicidal!). I ended up shoutingat the psychiatrists to make it stop, give me drugs or something i didnt care what they did i just wanted it to stop.
DDs Dad played on it a lot and has probably made it worse. He used to tell me she had been really ill when she hadn't (He told me i'd given her salmonella once and she had been really ill, she hadn't had salmonella at all, things like that). I have panic attacks if he emails me (She lives with him, our agreement) now thinking somethings wrong with her.
I have two sons now too. It worsened after DS1s birth then calmed down a bit. Now its worse again. I'm constantly thinking about my own death. I'm going to die one day. and i dont wont to. Everything triggers it. I read something about the space craft thats the furhtest man made thing from us. It'll be close to a certain star in 40, 000 years. That was it. I couldn't concentrate on anything for the rest of the night. Even things that are meant to be funny trigger periods of obsession and nothing else can get into my head. I don't want to just not be here. I'm so desperate for there to be something else. I've been reading about theories on the universe, peoples ideas about how time works (Circular time etc, the idea that everything repeats, the end of the universe being the oposite of a big bang, a big 'crunch' which triggers another big bang and then everything starts again, repeats, like in futurama if youve seen that episode).
Finally though, someone has listened to me. After nearly 5 years. It feels like i'm getting somewhere. I had an appointment with the mental health team on the 11th of february. Now theyve cancelled it and won't see me till the end of march.
I know i'm going to be seen but it was so close and i thought it wouldn't be long now finally and i'll be normal again and now it's nearly 8 knobbing weeks away. 8 more weeks of feeling like a bastard neurotic paranoid freak.
I feel like such a loser being upset about this though. It's only 8 weeks. but now it feels like a life time away again.
AIBU?
To be upset and on the verge of tears because of this letter
FlockOfTwats · 05/02/2014 16:51
OP, my DH suffers from anxiety similar to yours which has been greatly helped by being prescribed Citalopram (I think).
unwanted negative thoughts are horrible, i hope that you manage to see someone soon - as soeone upthread said, get an appointment with your GP and ask for medication while you are waiting for counselling. There are some good links on here about MH, might be worth a look in the mean-time. I used to suffer from health anxiety, and i remember being obsessed with feeling DD1's glands in her neck - i remember we were late for school once because i kept stopping to feel them 
I was convinced she had somehow caught hiv from me. Medication has worked for me, along with counselling.
Its so helpful knowing others have had the same and similar experiences to the ladies who have shared theirs
sorry i hope that doesnt make you more anxious 
it is a v simple one off blood test and then really easy to treat.
I can't add anything to the good advice here but I'd echo the suggestion of ringing and saying you are really in need of an urgent appointment and if they should get a cancellation, please can they let you know as you will take any appt that comes up even at very short notice. They will almost certainly have cancellations and you could well get in.
You are obviously really struggling with all this and I wish you lots of luck for getting help. Apart from anything else, the lack of proper sleep will be making it harder and harder to deal with all the other issues as you just can't function well without a decent amount of sleep (as many of us probably know even if we haven't had your other feelings). 
.To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.