using a fan at the theater, was I being unreasonable?

[carlajean]

We were at the theater tonight and a woman two rows in front had a fan that she was using most of the way through the second half. It was a tense drama, but having a white fan constantly flicking backwards and forwards really put me off. Was I unreasonable to approach her afterwards and tell her (calmly) how annoying it was? She looked at me as though I was mad, and now I feel an idiot AND irritated.

Well, this being mn, in 12 hours we've jumped to posters taking umbrage at menapausal women being dissed. She definately didn't look old enough to be menapausal. Have any of the POs considered that she might just be a PITA with no consideration for othe people? Also, it IS January - no way was it as hot as many posters are hypothathising.

well, since there's obviously no such thing as early menopause, and no such thing as medical conditions that might make you feel hot, and there's no such thing as feeling too hot inside just because it's January, clearly the only thing left is that she must have decided to irritate a few people on purpose.

Or maybe she was just one of those people who is oblivious to people around her? Not necessarily wanting to piss people off, just a bit thoughtless.....

MrsCakes - West End programmes are a rip off, often costing £5, totally agree with you there. Ours are between 50p and £2 depending on what the show is.

Carla - you need to go to more theatres and you'll know about heat in the winter months!

Sir - didn't say it wasn't possible or valid to have a different opinion. I was merely suggesting that people who did certain activities more often and are therefore used to certain behaviours are probably less like to find things distracting than those who rarely do them.

Melanie - yes, think you're probably spot on there

oh yes, that must be it, she was using a fan just to annoy everyone else in the theatre

Theatres can get exceptionally hot all year round. Especially when wearing black polyester and trying to calm down customers who complain about everything from the price of white wine to the pattern of wall paper.

I think I'd have been distracted, and if I felt strongly enough I'd have approached her at the interval to ask her to hold it down a bit.

But I think approaching someone else after the event is pointless.

Don't sit and fume - decide to put up with it or do something about it.

She wasn't being unreasonable to use the fan but maybe there was a way for her to do so without annoying others

YABU I think

I go to the theatre a lot and absolutely do not allow either my children or myself to talk, eat, drink, look at phones, wriggle about etc. But a fan? That's normal and surely can't be that distracting. You're not in there by yourself, things will happen to take your attention away.

Have you ever been to the Dunmar theatre in London? I went in Summer and it was almost unbearable (Jude Law shirtless made it somewhat more bearable but no less hot! ) I'd say the majority of the audience was a sea of rolled up programmes fanning away. It did help.

And those who have said that disabled children shouldn't be allowed there - not cool, we've been through all that before and many of us have learned not to so unempathetic and disablist. There is a campaign about that but I don't know what the link it.

This is the campaign.
The remarks about stimming were disgusting.

I completely disagree. It is possible to do something on a regular basis (use public transport, for example) and be irritated by something that another person does - and yet others may not mind that behaviour at all.

The difference between using a phone or a fan is that fans are quite normal in a theatre and I've never been in a venue where they are banned. Some venues even supply them.

So far as phones apart from standing non classical concerts all venues tell you to switch them off.

In relation to children with special needs how far is this expected to be tolerated by the audience?

If a child is shouting out or talking through a play/ballet/opera is that just tough luck for the rest of the audience?

I expect I'll get flamed for asking this, but so be it.

Adults with special needs shout out during performances too. I've seen audiences been tolerant and empathetic. There are some people who have screamed and shouted at the theatre manager because of it. People both adults and children with disabilities have every right to go to the theatre and this is protected in law.

I think when Relaxed Performances are more commonplace, it will be better for people with disabilites to enjoy the theatre in a more supportive environment.

I am really passionate that people with additional needs get the opportunity to enjoy theatre.

Bakelite even to the point of ruining the performance?

So basically you think the level of tolerance should be whatever happens?

Caitlin17 - yes, it's tough luck.

I'm ashamed to say that it took another mn-er to get me to understand this last year but I have now fully understood it and am horrified by my previous, unthinking and cruel views.

An average theatre goer might experience disruption caused by someone else's involuntary behaviour once or twice in their entire lives. A disabled person faces discrimination and judgement and the consequences of their own involuntary behaviour every time they go out. It is up to as the people without the disability to show some compassion and deal with any annoyance or disappointment just that once.

I have never seen a performance ruined. Carers come too and at my old venue there were staff allocated to deal with access issues.

I've seen families leave performances because one of their party with additional needs was being loud and they felt badly about it. I think this is really sad.

OP, YWBU to mention it to her at the end. Chances of you two ever being in the same theatrical proximity again-negligible.What did you hope to achieve? Did you tell her out of altruism,or just feel the need to tell her off?

That would have driven me to distraction.

If this women can't sit still or finds it too hot, I think she should cross theatre trips off her list of things to do or she should be considerate of others and sit in the back row.

But, as i've said twice already, she did it in the second half and i was two rows behind her, so i couldn't say anything at the time. I don't mind be ing told iwbu though, that's why i posted.

"She definately didn't look old enough to be menapausal."

Oh, so that's ok then, just because she didn't look old enough to be menopausal.

You do realise that as well as women who undergo premature menopause naturally there are those who experience it in their 20s and 30s as a result of surgical procedures like oophoretomy, don't you?

Perhaps you don't. If you did you'd surely also know that the flushes are often far more severe and frequent than those experienced by women who are "old enough to be menopausal" and that the side effects can be miserable and excruciatingly embarrassing enough without some insensitive, thoughtless and entitled person going up to them after a theatre performance to tell her that her attempts to prevent herself from suffering significant distress and discomfort were "annoying" them.

People can fan themselves from a level lower than the eye line. Still works, can't be seen by those behind.

So what's the likelehood of that being the case hooby?

Wow OP you are in for a massive shock, when the menopause hit,

I had a cancer so had everything out or off, and cannot take any hormone replacement, and you would think me far too young to be menopausal.

Personally I think the inventor of fans should be give a Nobel prize.

The panic feel as a flush hits would make you strip naked and jump into the sea in mid winter, if did what you really feel like doing,

a top of the range electric fan three inches from your face only just gives you hope,

the sleep you get makes being a single parent of teething triplets look like an easy option,

sometimes you feel that ripping your own skin off as sensible,

If feels as if all the oxygen has been sucked out of the room and someone has mistaken you for a Christmas pudding,poured brandy and set light.

I have no idea how you don't have the concept that this happens to women, you should perhaps in future before berating someone for doing something that irritates you, just take a few moments to think if there is a logical reason they may be doing it, if you can't come up with a logical reason ask someone else before you jump in.

Because hopefully this woman will brush off her encounter with you as unfortunate meeting with a twonk with limited life experience, but you probably soured her evening and knocked her confidence to go out,

and all because you haven't bothered to find out what happens next.

"So what's the likelehood of that being the case hooby?"

I don't know, carlajean, I'm not a statistician or a consultant in women's health, but I do know it happens, I do know how awful it is and I can't think of many reasons apart from menopause why a woman might be hot enough to be fanning herself on a January evening. Can you?

Devonsmile, you have my sympathy and my empathy.

Well, thanks for the warning, but I went through the menapause several years ago. And, if you think I berated her you haven't been reading what I wrote, just jumping to your own conclusions.