To feel very upset about 1st 'issue' with MIL or is it my pregnancy hormones

[hb1976]

Bit of back story..... DH and I got married in 2009. My parents are still together, MIL was on her own when we met after DH's father died of cancer a few years previously. During our courtship MIL became close to a family friend (a wealthy bachelor) and they eventually got married a year after us. They moved to the country (about an hour away from us) and live a very idyllic, peaceful life there.

Everyone has always got on ok. If I'm honest I do find MIL quite strange in that she is a very nervy woman, old before her time, few interests in life and even worse now she has married someone very similar to herself. My parents are the same age but very outgoing and enjoy having fun, going on holiday etc.

The biggest difference in the 2 families is the amount of support that they give their children. My parents (and grandparents) live 10 minutes down the road. Their lives revolve around us 'children' and their grandchildren, even more so since my DSis survived a serious cancer 6 years ago- it made our already close family even closer.

My parents see their children and grandchildren most days as we all enjoy spending time together. They are very generous to us as they are quite well off. They pay for family holidays together, have given all of their children a large deposit in order to buy their own homes and have paid for all of their weddings. They are also generous with their time- always able to babysit, pop round to help with DIY etc. nothing is too much trouble.

My MIL is the exact opposite. She sees us about once every 6 weeks and we usually have to visit her despite having a 2 year old and being heavily pregnant with a complicated pregnancy. She rarely attends any family gatherings and, when she does, she is always the 1st to leave, blaming 'getting home to let the dogs out'. She did not even help out her struggling daughter when she had her 2nd child- she only stayed for the day as 'the house was too noisy' and she is offended by breast feeding!!

Regardless of these differences everyone has always been very polite and friendly..... Until now

Today my husband got off the phone from MIL looking upset and worried. Eventually he told me that his mother was very upset because my parents had sent her a big box of chocolates for Xmas that were out of date. Apparently MIL was very offended by this as it showed such a lack of thought. However, she told my husband not to tell anyone about it including me. My DH felt as though he was out in a bad position and ended up telling me which he then regretted because I got really upset.

We have had a crap Xmas this year. On Xmas eve my mum found out that her father had cancer (possibly terminal) after weeks of worry. Despite this, she still hosted Xmas for everyone although understandably she was distracted and needed a lot of support from us. I have no idea what happened with the chocolates. All I can think of is that my mom bought them from the shop without realising they were out of date. Our family is not one to 'recycle' presents from the year before, indeed, being a chunky family chocolate rarely lasts longer than a few days with us.

AIBU to feel really angry with MIL. She knows it is a difficult time for the family (although not all the details) and also knows that my parents are generous people usually. I'm just angry that she seems to have automatically thought that it was some slight on her, rather than that there was probably some explanation. I'm just so shocked that people actually take offence about such stupid things. I also feel that by telling DH in secret she has given my parents no chance to defend themselves and made things awkward for everyone.

[notso]

I think you are being a little over sensitive. It sounds as if you are very reliant on your parents and they are very much still Mum and Dad to you.

I think you MIL is a bit ridiculous to be offended about something that was obviously a mistake. How did your DH handle it? The fact he looked worried makes me think he pandered to his Mothers silliness rather than brushing it off as an error.

Were the chocolates a big box of Thorntons from a Tesco by any chance? I bought a couple of these and when we opened one I noticed some of them had that white coating on them had a look and saw they were out of date. I had to apologise to DS1's teacher and DH's Auntie as I had given them to them for presents.

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

I think you are right to be miffed. I would do what Toecheese said but remember she is a small small person. Tiny in fact, weeeeeee.

[hb1976]

You are probably right that deep down she's not one of my favourite people, probably because she is very different to anyone I've ever known and I find her hard work. I do find her anxiety quite annoying which is not very kind of me I admit as I don't understand what it's like to have such anxiety over simple every day things. On the other hand I have experienced a period of anxiety myself when my sister was ill and it was so awful and overwhelming... So this is something that I will try to be more understanding with in the future. I do try to make sure that I don't convey this to her in any way but maybe I need to look more carefully at this in case I am doing.

With regards to being close to and relying on my parents, this is true to a degree I suppose. We got into the habit of seeing each other everyday when my sister was ill as we were originally told she had terminal lung cancer at the age of 24. She was actually misdiagnosed and it turned out to be very advanced Hodgkin's lymphoma (currently in remission). We all relied on each other a great deal over a 2 year period, each using our own individual strengths to support my sister and each other and I suppose this has continued. My sister's illness changed us all as people very much and maybe now we do spend too much time together which other people would find odd. Again, something else for me to think about.

[diddl]

She sounds an absolute drama llama-was she trying to hint that it was a deliberate slight?

But then I can't understand your husband-upset & worried because his mum had been given out of date chocs/he was dithering about telling you??

Sounds as if he might take after her!

[mameulah]

Either ignore her.

Or, regardless if it is pregnancy hormones or not, take her a new 'in date' box of chocolates and apologies so much that she is suitably mortified.

Then buy yourself a very big box of chocolates and eat them all!

[ICutMyFootOnOccamsRazor]

a) It would honestly never occur to me to check the sell by date on a box of chocolates

b) If I did, for some odd reason, notice that a gift was out of date, it would never, ever occur to me that whoever gave it to me had done this deliberately

c) If I did notice and care about such a thing, I would certainly never dream of mentioning it, as that would be about the height of crass and ungrateful behaviour.

In short, your MIL sounds not only a bit unhinged, but also damned rude. You should definitely ignore her drama, and your DH should certainly pull her up on it.

[hb1976]

UPDATE: Well my DH has just come to bed and told me that he phoned his mum back tonight to try to soothe the waters. He explained everything that is going on at the moment, all the stress we have in the family, our pregnancy problems etc. He said that it was obviously some misunderstanding and that she shouldn't get so upset about it, that my DP obviously purchased a box of chocolates that were out of date without realising it and that is wasn't some slight on her or anything like that. However, apparently she was having none of it and kept going on about how thoughtless she thought it was. In the end my DH got cross with her and asked if she wanted him to talk to me and my DP to try and sort it out, to which she said no. They then ended the call on a bad note.

I'm just worried now about how awkward it's going to be when I see her next and, even worse, when our families meet up again, probably after the birth of our baby.

[TheFabulousIdiot]

It will only be awkward if you make it awkward.

Your DH shouldn't have alled her and tried to dismiss her feelings, you should have both ignored it and let it go. Now it's been made into a bigger issue than it should be.

Let it go.

[haveyourselfashandy]

It will only be awkward if you tell your mum what's happened.Just don't mention it again and if your mill does,just say" I'm sure it was an accident,my mums had a lot on her plate recently".

[wowfudge]

Leave it now OP and try to forget about it. You have far more important things to expend your energy on. Your DH has tried to smooth things over and his mother has been quite unreasonable, which just demonstrates what she is like.

Hopefully wIth a good night's sleep you'll have a different perspective on things.

[redskyatnight]

I'm going to pay devil's advocate here and put myself in your MIL's shoes. You and your family are evidently extremely close - to a level that a lot of people would find highly suffocating. She, I would say, has a "normal" level of contact for someone who lives the distance away she does. I would imagine it very likely that she feels second fiddle to your family. She is perhaps wondering if your family will monopolise the new baby (which from your description it does rather sound like they will). If she's feeling insecure I can see how receiving an out of date box of chocolates feels like a snub - like she's only worth the old thing at the back of the cupboard. Of course you know your parents very well and you understand the strain they are under at the moment and you know that they don't do it to be mean or thoughtless - but how well does your MIL know them? I can see someone who feels pushed out and neglected might think it had been done deliberately. And I don't think it's underhand her talking to your DH either - politeness surely dictates she doesn't mention it to your parents (or probably you) - it looks like she is seeking some reassurance from him as to her importance in his/your lives.

[LimeLelloLizard]

I think you're as bad as her in making a mountain out of a molehill!

She's being ridiculous, just ignore and get on with your life.

After the tough times you've been through, surely you can see that there are better things to worry about.

[BillyBanter]

on the first thing families are different. It's good that you have a close and supportive family. She's not the same but that's ok because you don't need her to be because you get lots of support already.

As for the chocolates it would have been better if your DH had explained in the first place but that's esprit d'escalier for you. And it probably won't have appeased your MIL anyway. For her to insist on taking offence, especially with your family having a lot going on just now, but even if it was just being a bit scatterbrained, is unreasonable of her.

That said there is no point in getting in a kerfuffle about it. Leave her to her offense. Let her wallow in it if she insists. Her choice.

[CarriesPawnShop]

So an out of date box of chocolates (that might not even be out of date) trump cancer?

The annoying thing is, you aren't going to get through to her on this, it's obviously the most important thing to her at the moment. All you can do is leave it - you're not going to win.

[NigellasDealer]

yes as someone else said, it was 'tacky' of her to mention it and downright odd to take offence, but do not let it affect you, it is nothing really and she does sound like quite a sad person.