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AIBU?

about ex being half arsed with DS when he's due to move miles away very soon?

35 replies

Cbeebijeebies · 05/01/2014 07:42

Bit of background so it's not a drip feed. I fell pregnant by accident and chose to keep DS, telling ex at the time that it was up to him if he wanted to be involved and I'd understand if he chose to have nothing to do with DS. He saw him a handful of times in the first 2 years then asked to have him overnight once a fortnight. It's been like that for a year now and going alright, though it's absoloutely no contact inbetween but DS doesn't seem to mind (he's 3 so not bothered at the moment). Ex is due to move to the far side of Cornwall in a month or so as his mum is moving there and he wants to be with her.

This last month and a half he's cancelled 3 times due to 'illness', only ever giving a few hours notice (surely you know you're too ill to get out of bed more than 2 hours before? )

It was DS's birthday on fri and we heard nothing off ex bt that was ok as he was due to come to DS's party the next day. But 2 hrs before he cancelled as he was ill again. DS was quite upset as he was due to go to his dad's after the party.

I'm angry because a) the few times i've been very ill (like the actual bed-bound type flu and a few stomach bugs) i've asked for help and he's said he's got other things on, but when he's ill he just opts out of being a parent and b) because he only gives a tiny bit of notice

Also, if DS/he gets sick when he has him in Cornwall then how will he handle it?

I've avoided pulling him up on it til now as he turns nasty and bring out the 'I dodn't want him anyway/I pay a bit for him and lots of blokes don't' card. But it's not about us, it's about DS!

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Cbeebijeebies · 06/01/2014 19:09

I know. It's just sad isn't it? He does seem to tell old mutual friends that he has him more often etc which suggests he knows it looks bad at times.

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KingRollo · 06/01/2014 18:16

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Cbeebijeebies · 06/01/2014 17:27

It doesn't look good.

He can't say I made it difficult though I'm sure he will I've held my tongue so many times for DS and left the door open.

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KingRollo · 06/01/2014 15:27

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Cbeebijeebies · 06/01/2014 13:10

(he lives at home rent free and earns about a grand a month, or so he says, hence the slight disbelief...)

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Cbeebijeebies · 06/01/2014 13:06

Just recieved a text from him to say he's doing overtime this weekend as he needs the money after christmas so he'll have DS on the 18th. He hasn't seen him since christmas Pfft

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Cbeebijeebies · 05/01/2014 16:35

He didn't. And i don't think he would. But that's a pretty crap attitude to have about you son. He then said he then loves him though just that it's basically good he does anything at all considering how DS came to be.

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Chippednailvarnish · 05/01/2014 16:31

He's a shit. God forbid he ever said about aborting in front of your DS...

Cbeebijeebies · 05/01/2014 16:25

And yes, in discussions this year he's brought up the fact that i kept ds despite him and his mum both trying to get me to abort.

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Cbeebijeebies · 05/01/2014 16:23

I have started to wonder if this move is actually best for DS. I don't want this sort of thing to be happening when he's older and understands more. He was upset enough as it was and he's only 3.

I don't know.

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Chippednailvarnish · 05/01/2014 16:13

Get the CSA on his case and expect the worse from him. If he steps up, you have lost nothing, if he buggers off your DS is young enough to forget him.

He sounds like a shit TBH.

Bodypopper · 05/01/2014 16:09

I think he will check out of fatherhood as soon as he goes to Cornwall and this cancelling is his way of withdrawing by degrees.

It's a hell of a way to have regular contact.

GatoradeMeBitch · 05/01/2014 16:02

'I didn't want him anyway'?? What is that supposed to mean, that because he didn't choose to have him he can treat him like crap? At three years old, the time for whinging that he didn't want him should be past. Imagine how hurt your DS would be if he heard that. I would see him moving away as a blessing honestly. He sounds far too immature to be a good father.

Cbeebijeebies · 05/01/2014 11:02

It's a difficult situation for him but he's an adult and could just explain instead of making up excuses etc.

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Cbeebijeebies · 05/01/2014 10:53

He's 3 and i don't drive currently. Am a student.
His sister is moving there too so his mum won't be alone either way.

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C3P0 · 05/01/2014 10:48

Err... Do you not think that this is maybe really hard for your ex? That he's being pulled in different directions and doesn't know what to do? I agree it sounds like he's checking out, but it's hardly easy for him, is it? Maybe you can share the travel when he moves? Don't think you mentioned ages, but you can maybe habituate your kid to use the train reliably? Maybe there's someone who makes a similar journey, who can chaperone?

Cbeebijeebies · 05/01/2014 10:20

I do think he's either not realized how much more difficult long distance contact is or knows and will just use it as an excuse for less contact.

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KingRollo · 05/01/2014 09:43

This reply has been deleted

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KingRollo · 05/01/2014 09:41

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EllaFitzgerald · 05/01/2014 09:39

I wonder whether he'll engineer your meeting as an excuse to break contact. Maybe say that if it's not good enough, then he won't bother seeing him at all.

It's quite clear that you've put your feelings to one side and are concentrating on what's best for your DS, and not getting in the way of any relationship between him and his father. Your ex just doesn't sound as emotionally invested.

Cbeebijeebies · 05/01/2014 08:55

We're having a chat on thursday (he's popping over after work because I asked him to). Not really sure how to word it so he doesn't just get really defensive & flounce but heyho.

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Cbeebijeebies · 05/01/2014 08:33

(I know i'm not perfect so don't want to sound self righteous about it all. I'm just fed up of being ok with it when it's really not ok).

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Cbeebijeebies · 05/01/2014 08:27

It makes me so angry though. If he doesn't want to be that involved then why bother at all. There's a kid in the middle of this and it feels like he forgets that. I know he didn't want him but he had the choice to walk away and I didn't really want to be pregnant but I dealt with the consequences like an adult.

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Cbeebijeebies · 05/01/2014 08:19

I guess you just hope that if you leave the door open wide enough then everything will work out?

I have said that's a long journey for DS and he might be a pain, whinge, cry, get hungry etc and just not be happy about such a long drive but again he says it'll all be fine.

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Cbeebijeebies · 05/01/2014 08:17

I'm quite glad DS is only just 3. I think he'd have been quite upset about a no contact birthday really. I would have as a kid anyway.

Thing is, ex does a lot of talking about being there for DS but his actions never quite match up. DM & DP think i'm too soft but I just didn't want to be the ex that made a fuss over contact etc. But it's been 3 years now and I think this move is a bit odd.

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