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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about difficult mothers-in-law?

49 replies

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 26/12/2013 12:17

From what I've read on MN, loads of MILs seem to have issues with their sons' partners, some behaving despicably! I'm just wondering how your DM treats your DP, is it the same or is it mainly DMs of men (that sounds sexist but not intended to be!)?

OP posts:

BlingBang · 26/12/2013 17:43

TBH, I often get the mpression that it's the DIL's who seem mean and barking. I think it's more likely a DIL thing being jealous and trying to muscle out the other woman in her husband's life.

lljkk · 26/12/2013 18:01

MIL is fine. She dotes on her sons and is generous to DC.
My mother could be a horror & DH would have been right to say as much (not that he ever would).
bio-FIL was a bit sad, airhead man.
step-FIL is a Victor Mildrew clone.
My dad is great by common consensus.
DH gets on fine with my step mum but I don't (not really).

I have 3 boys & expect to bite my tongue a lot about their future girlfriends.

Geckos48 · 26/12/2013 18:03

There are a lot of twats in the world, my mother in law is one of them.

flamby · 26/12/2013 18:11

I think fluffyraggies is right - women (IME) deal much more with their MIL than men do. I'm pregnant and so if my MIL wants to know how it is going, she talks to me, likewise once the baby is born I'm sure she'll want to talk a lot (which is fine - she is lovely). My mum already gets to talk to me all the time so when she has contact with my DH it is more for fun chit chat or jokes.

OTOH, my brother/SIL talk way less often to my parents and there has been a lot of tension between my mum and my SIL. Bro is busy at work, they live a long way away (huge time difference), they skype/call infrequently and my mum desperately wants more contact with them and her GS. She is like a different person with them - so sad and desperate for them to want more of her in their lives. They do want her - just not in the same way that I want to call her a lot to talk about life, family, pregnancy, all of that. Problem is she wants to hear about them just as much as about me and feels rejected which makes her act differently. So maybe she is both a perfect MIL for my DH and a nightmare for my SIL!

There is also something about competing in a domestic sphere. I think for some women, if you do things differently from them, it is seen as a criticism and that creates tension. E.g. I live in the US and I don't want a baby shower with only women - if we have something I want my DH right there too, sharing the gifts and good wishes, just as he'll share the parenting. That is hard for some of my ILs to hear (they are quite traditional) without interpreting it as critical. They are super nice and respectful of what they see as my wacky foreign ways so I know I am very lucky!

Bearfrills · 26/12/2013 18:22

There are a lot of twats in the world, my mother in law is one of them.

Mine too. I could list the reasons why but it would fill a thread on its own. It goes right back to DH's childhood. He's been no contact with her for three years now and me and the DCs have been no contact since August. She's pure poison.

To reply to the question in the OP, DH gets on great with my DM and my parents have accepted him as one of the family, if they have any issues with him they are not issues I'm aware of.

MyMILisfromHELL · 26/12/2013 18:30

My mother is truly a nasty of work. A narcissistic bitch. I hope she rots. Sorry, but that's how I feel about her.

Original poster

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 26/12/2013 21:11

a nasty mother and a MIL from hell! That's unfortunate. Definitely true about having different priorities and ways of parenting to what MIL did when DP was a child. I don't respect her really .

OP posts:

Meerka · 26/12/2013 21:23

feel so lucky to have my mother in law. Incredibly helpful caring person, and she's done so so much for us while I'm preg and vomitting all the time.

She makes up for the crop of really shitty parents. I was kind of afraid when I got together with husband that I would always have a bad relationship with mil cause of the bad examples of my own parents. Its been deeply reassuring that we've built a loving and close relationship. When there is a problem, she's often the first person I go to and if we don't see her for a week I miss her.

I can understand that it's really hard for a woman to see someone enter their son's life who is more important to them than they are. "your son is your son til they marry, your daughter is your daughter forever".

Original poster

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 26/12/2013 21:26

I have sons :( maybe I'll be lucky and they just won't ever be interested in girlfriends

OP posts:

Original poster

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 26/12/2013 21:27

(realises am already sounding like future mil from hell)

OP posts:

CalamitouslyWrong · 26/12/2013 21:35

My MIL is lovely. My mum is a pain in the arse. Unfortunately DH doesn't try to make an effort on the (rare) occasions we see her. He's a bit of a nightmare Son in law (but she's a bit of a might are MIL).

echt · 26/12/2013 21:45

A really long time ago I read about some research into MIL jokes, the way they're always about the man's MIL, not the woman's. The research showed that overwhelmingly the problematic relationship was between MIL and DIL.

Thereby unhappily indicating that MIL jokes are just nasty, misogynistic shite.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 26/12/2013 22:51

PURR YOU have hit most nails on heads there....

Morloth · 26/12/2013 22:54

People are people.

The IL relationship is not one that is chosen from either side, it just comes about as a side effect of the DP relationship.

So you have people who have no family background (and therefore all the shared experiences/expectations that brings) and who may well have not chosen to be friends with the other now trying to get along and be happy with each other.

lessonsintightropes · 27/12/2013 03:29

My situation is a bit different - my DH's Mum died when he was 4, and DFIL remarried when he was 8 to a woman with three sons of her own. In the time between, DH lived with DFIL and his Mum's parents; when DFIL remarried, they moved out and DSMIL moved in with her three sons. She'd been through a nasty divorce but... she's never really liked DH (her step son) and has voiced to me on several occasions the fact that she thinks he's selfish and shiftless (!) - he isn't, and her own sons are not more successful or anything that could justify her mean opinion of my husband. So it's a bit hurtful at times. Her eldest son is gay (she is not kind about his partner) middle one is married and she doesn't get along with this DIL and youngest is confirmed single. So I am her last outlet for a nice relationship with a woman in the younger generation. She quite likes having a step-DIL with whom she can swap recipes and gossip about Gudrun clothes etc, I get on A-OK with her most of the time.

I like her... and understand her, as she's quite similar to my Mum in terms of not having had a very nice upbringing herself and therefore needs a bit of careful handling. I find her meanness about my husband very hard to bear but have brought it back by being solidly pro-husband whilst leaving her room to get out of it without losing face when making nasty comments, IYSWIM. She's personally kind to me, and I know DFIL is very pleased I make the effort, especially as DH wouldn't mark her birthday etc. But it isn't effortless - and I'm not sure I know many people who have totally easy relationships with in laws. My DH gets on great with my Dad and siblings and massive extended family and is very nice with my Mum who can be a total pain at times, but wonderful at others. I think this is just normal family dynamics!

glammanana · 27/12/2013 14:57

I'm a new MIL to my youngest son's wife and have made the decision to only respond when asked for my opinion,she is a lovely girl and my boy adores her they both work hard for what they have got so don't expect them to be visiting every 5 mins,if and when they decide to have children they know I am here if needed,I know she will gravitate towards her own family first and expect that, my DD did the same when she married always came to me first rather than her MIL it's just natural.

Joysmum · 27/12/2013 15:04

My MIL died aged only 55 12 years ago. She was a wonderful woman.

But...

I had issues in that she still tried to parent my husband, and by association me and our marriage.

My mum doesn't try to parent me (more me parenting her tbh) so doesn't interfere.

Wheretogoonholiday · 27/12/2013 15:09

My DM loves my DF very much but she gets in his nerves from time to time!

His M on the other hand bluntly told me I might not be able to have children after a brief conversation about us wanting children soon! Charming! We both said thanks sarcastically and said let's hope we don't!

Meerka · 27/12/2013 18:48

That's the key with a MIL isnt it?

They back off and don't give their opinions unasked. Respect the fact that another woman might do things differently than her.

Incredibly hard, it must be, when you're used to parenting. But it seems to be the key to a good relationship.

Grotbagstwin · 27/12/2013 19:02

My mum treats my dp like her son, so does my dad.
My mil openly hated me until we booked our wedding then it was almost like she realised I am here to stay and changed her attitude. She treats her son in law totally differently, her and sil once said its different with a dil as 'once settled down a sons mother isn't needed anymore' I don't know where they got that from.
We get on ok now but I think she realises that if it wasn't for me she would probably here from dp even less

BlingBang · 27/12/2013 20:46

"I know she will gravitate towards her own family first and expect that, my DD did the same when she married always came to me first rather than her MIL it's just natural"

That's not always the case. We probably spent more quality time with husband's parents - went on holiday etc.

Prozacbear · 27/12/2013 21:22

My ex-MIL was pretty much evil ... reminds me so much of my toxic grandmother. If only I'd joined the dots!

In contrast, my own mother was lovely to my Ex, without exception. I always say that I will always get the short end of the MIL stick as my mum is so lovely - and not overbearing - just easy going, supportive and fun. She is also pretty easy to please - DP won her over in 10 minutes. Still working on DP' s mother a year later and I am more of a catch than he is! not that bad...

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 27/12/2013 21:38

My DM could have been the MIL from hell to DW, but I long ago achieved, if not the upper hand, at least a wary truce. So the very first wittle "is she One of Us/too old/too thin/too experienced" got a low rumble in the back of the throat.

Sorted. Of course, I'd stopped being afraid of her at Xmas 76, when she knocked me across the kitchen for a bad school report. Picked up a knife and asked her if she fancied another go.

Remarkable woman, but I've never wept for her.

chocolatemademefat · 27/12/2013 22:35

My MIL could have her moments with me but my own mother is awful with my husband. Luckily thanks to a GSOH he lets it go over his head and jokes about 'taking one for the team'. And no matter how many times i pull my DM up on this it does no good. On the plus side though she tells her friends she has a great SIL.

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