To suggest that habitual obsession with facebook is socially dysfunctional?

[JellyBilly]

Ok, so have name changed for this so as not to offend anyone I know!

As a secondary school teacher I see many adverse consequences that facebook and other social media can have on kids and their self esteem. However more recently, I am becoming more annoyed with some of my 'grown up' friends and colleagues and how they use it. For some of them, I would say they seem to be living quite a big part of their life through it.

I have one friend in my network that seems to update status at least every 40 minutes or so. Posts pictures of road signs, plates of food, checks in here there and everywhere, train stations, bars, restaurants, even walking the dog.

I'm not sure whether to be more concerned about their apparent need to share every moment of the day with the hundreds of people they are connected with, or the sheer amount of people that 'like' everything posted or manage to comment on it with such frequency.

Frustrations growing, I then went out for diner with a facebook friend I have not seen for a while on Saturday, only to find that having taken our photo at the table, checked us in at the restaurant on FB and posted the picture, she then proceeded to spend the rest of the night and most of Sunday morning constantly checking FB on her phone! Rude!

Is it unreasonable to say that I just don't care what my FB friends and family are doing or where they are at every minute of every day? That I refuse to get drawn into becoming obsessed over content from people who are invariably either trying to 'show off', be funny, are constantly seeking approval, or obsessing over what everyone else is posting?
For otherwise stable adults with real relationships in the real world I don't understand the obsession?

Surely one can't invest all that emotional energy in constantly checking and responding on what others are doing or telling the rest of the world what they are doing or where they are and constantly checking for responses or acknowledgement, without it having a detrimental impact on the people around them in real life?

Is there something wrong with these people or AIBU?

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I don't use FB or MN when I am out and about (unless I am waiting for someone and don't have a book with me), and I don't post pictures or comments or statuses about every single thing in my day - I do think that is excessive, and obsessive. I use it as another communication tool, when I want to communicate with someone - but not about the minutiae of life!

[MrsFlapJack]

That's weird. Couple of friends of mine recently went for lunch on a weekend.

Picture outside establishment, tag, like, comment.
Picture inside establishment, tag, like, comment.
Picture leaving establishment, tag, like, comment. And so on.

Nobody else appeared to raise an eyebrow, so they were effectively facebooking each other about their day out, whilst actually with each other.. on their day out.

Also weird.

[fiftyandfab]

YA so NBU....an ex colleague of mine, and her friend, were posting separately at the weekend from the SAME HOUSE as ex colleague was making dinner...describing the menu and said guest was saying how great it smelled....WTF???

[LillySalvage]

I've been watching for a couple of days with interest, and will admit that to begin with, I was feeling defensive. But its really made me think now.

I am always pulling my phone out every spare moment. Whilst some of my feed is sometimes from close friends, I have to admit that I do end up following the most mundane and constant updates from people I hardly know.

Worse still, I'm getting involved with people I hardly know, because I know where they are and what they had for breakfast most days.

I'm getting sucked into other peoples broadcasting displays of emotional outpouring and when I do post something myself I spend the next few hours constantly checking for responses and get annoyed that the only responses I tend to get are from those I hardly know.

I'm posting pictures of myself and my children and it's being appreciated mostly by people I'm not even close to.

And then there is my DP and at least one close friend, who bless them, have questioned it. And now I'm starting to understand why.

What am I doing? Why aren't I investing this time in the people that truly matter to me in real life?

Thanks OP, you've given me something to think about.

[AchyFox]

YANBU

It's all Greek to me.

I have never "got" fb or twitter.

[SlangKing]

I check my FB notifications and "threads I'm on" here and elsewhere cuz if somebody's acknowledged or addressed me it's good manners to see if I then ought to reciprocate. (Waves to Passedgo). It's interesting, though no huge surprise, to learn that each person's FB experience/perception is, bar some commonalities, unique to them. Personally, I enjoy human interaction, both real and virtual. I think reading and interacting exercises my brain and increases my knowledge. I feel like I'm stagnating if my web allowance runs out, I can't go out for whatever reason, have no new books to read and I have to resort to the TV. I recently broke my headphones so even my music consumption has taken a dive. So, my net use has increased of late, for no reason other than it being the best choice availiable for its myriad 'entertainments'. I don't NEED (virtual) strangers to like me. It's nice to be liked but 'surplus to requirements'. I take no joy in upsetting people either but I think fear of causing offense (and any resulting condemnation) stifles expression/debate so will wear any consequences of my posts. I intend to read that link above but, while I've no doubt that many people on FB do exhibit signs of depression (and other disorders) the same will be true of people who consume soap operas, Dutch Masters, jazz music or anything else you care to name. Life is tough for most,,, so depression is rife. If I have a 'theme' that runs (subliminally) through my posts,, I think it's that we not only fail to celebrate the individual, but are often openly hostile towards them. If diversity were encouraged rather than condemned I think there'd be less depression and anxiety. Is that off topic? shrug

[mitchsta]

I agree it's rude that people sit glued to their phone when they're in your company - their focus should be on our conversation if we're having lunch or whatever. Could you not have just told your friend you found it rude? I'd have had to say something.

But you have the power to control what you see on Facebook. You have plenty of options - delete your profile, login less frequently, hide updates from your newsfeed or delete some of your friends. It's really not that difficult.

People use Facebook for different reasons and I think it's a little unfair to describe anything as 'meaningless crap' just because it doesn't mean anything to you. Just ignore the stuff that doesn't interest you. I delete/hide the needy attention-seekers and the 'meaningless crap' people as and when they come up. It takes seconds.

FWIW, I know a few people who I'd describe as "socially dysfunctional" and they rarely go anywhere near Facebook. I've also found my FB newsfeed much more interesting/relevant to me since I deleted (with the exception of relatives living overseas) anyone I don't see in RL.

[ElenorRigby]

YANBU obsessive FBing is odd attention seeking behaviour to hundreds of "friends" IMO.

FBing to real friends and family is ok I suppose.

[TheSporkforeatingkyriarchy]

Interesting SizeMatters, it is good to be aware of it as well as have self-awareness. I know for me and several others I know, the internet is almost, like a security blanket, the lower I am, the more I try to hide in it, even when it would be better to do something else, my mood and energy is low that's where I go. For me, I thought it was because that's what I did in my teens because that was all I could do (abusive household) and it just became a comforting habit, but with research such as yours, there does seem to be even more than that.

[SizeMatters]

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius I am not qualified to give advice relating to diagnosed mental health issues such as depression.

Personally I think its for individuals to decide what level of interaction with social media is acceptable or healthy based on their circumstances.

Though I think its also useful to be aware of the potential downsides that the studies highlight, should the frequency of usage become excessive as described by OP.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

SizeMatters - that is very interesting, because I feel that FB and MN are very positive influences in my life and my emotional well-being, and I do suffer from depression.

When I can't get out of the house (or there is nothing for me to get out of the house for), they provide me with real social contact, and I find that immensely helpful. I have made real friendships on here and through FB - some with people I have met, others with people I only know 'virtually' - but I think those are still 'real' relationships, and as such, they are very beneficial to me.

Am I fooling myself about this, or am I an anomaly who would not fit the results of the studies?

As I said earlier, I think that social media are good tools but bad masters. I don't rely on FB and MN for my social life - they are one element of it, and one that I would most certainly miss if they weren't there.

I can honestly say that my life with depression + MN + FB is much better than my life with depression and no MN/FB - I am much less lonely, and I know I have real people out there who like me, want to spend time interacting with me, and who care if I am having a bad day (as I do, if they are).

In some ways, I see it as similar to phoning someone, or writing them a letter - they are both forms of communication that rely on words, and where the two people communicating may be a long way apart, but they are no less valuable for that. And with MN/FB, I can communicate with far more people than I could by writing emails or letters, or making phone calls or texts - and I can get very quick responses sometimes too.

Five years ago, before I moved to Scotland, I had a friend who was often round at my house, and other friends who I saw often, so my real-life social life was busier than it is now (sadly my friends don't drop in for coffee any more, just because I have moved several hundred miles northwards ), but in some ways I feel less lonely, and happier now, with a virtual social life than I did with my, somewhat judgemental friend sitting opposite me at my dining table.

[passedgo]

I think the effect it has on teens is interesting - the lonelier ones or those living geographically further away will benefit a lot, but the natural socialites tend to use it less frequently, or more secretly. They seem to be on it all the time from the age of 11-14, then it drops off and their circles close. They quickly move from open comments to messaging. Fair enough.

My dd with disabilities is being told quite clearly, in messages from her nastier friends to 'never ever comment on any of my stuff'. She says 'why' and they say they don't know. Sad, but nothing that wouldn't normally happen at school. Good for her so she can see who her friends really are and has an opportunity to respond. She doesn't of course, but it gives me some kind of weird comfort that she isn't wasting her time with people who are going to lie to her face.

It also makes teens very wary of having their photograph taken. They are learning to protect themselves but are using it to its advantage for those private moments. It's surprising they go out and meet people at all, many don't.

[JustAWaterForMePlease]

I definitely think I'm guilty of this. Not necessarily Facebook per se, but habitual phone-checking. And what many of you have said is right - it's checking. Not actually doing anything, just looking - it's passive. And, if I'm honest, hoping for some sort of contact, whether it's a notification or an email, in a self-gratifying way.

Having identified it's a problem, I suppose I need to do something about it. I think the suggestion up thread of no screen-time when in the company of real people is a good one. I'll implement that to begin with and see how I go!

[SizeMatters]

As an academic in the discipline of sociology, I have been involved in a number of studies seeking to understand the impact that social media can have on social and emotional well being.

There have been a number of academic studies on facebook in particular. The most recent by the University of Michigan in August this year.

All of these studies have concluded that the greater the frequency with which a individual engages with facebook, either checking or interacting, the more detrimental the impact on the persons emotional well being.

All studies concluded that the persistent and habitual use of facebook related to, and in turn exasperated, underlying issues of depression, narcissism and insecurity.

guardianlv.com/2013/08/facebook-causes-depression-new-study-says/

[DuckToWater]

I quite like people who are slightly socially disfunctional though. :)

[EBearhug]

what about repeatedly checking mumsnet to see if someone has replied to your original post or name checked you in a debate - is that similar?

I think it's definitely related, yes.

[EBearhug]

if you hide or block someone on your FB do they know you have done so?

No, except if you are both on a conversation with s mutual friend, and you see comments like, "Oh, Person-who-blocked-me, that's so true!" and you wonder vaguely what the comment you can't see actually said. The person who has done this with me isn't someone I care about, and the main reason I know I'm blocked is that she publically announced she was blocking everyone she hadn't met in person. We have actually met in person, but no matter - she's got a lot of issues, not just this. It's just occasionally frustrating, like a griup conversation where you can't make out what someone at the far end of the table says. It must be just as annoying for her, as she can't see anything from me, either.

But it certainly has the potential to cause strife, and if someone close to me did it, it would upset me, and I'd be mailing them to see if they're okay and why they're withdrawing and if they're fine, wondering how I upset them or whatever, though I doubt I'd have the nerve to ask that outright for fear of seeming needy and paranoid...

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Like many things, Facebook is a good tool, but a bad master. I have used it to reconnect with old school friends and university friends. It was used, only recently, to organise my nursing set's 30 year reunion. I get a lot of social interaction from it - it isn't my only social interaction, but I am often at home alone for the day - dh is at work, ds3 is at school, and the other two dses are away at University - and the dogs, lovely though they are, are not brilliant conversationalists, so I get social interaction from here and from FB - and for me, that is a good thing.

I remember sitting at home with a young baby, basically feeling all alone, with no company except the TV. Baby groups, and wandering round the shops only took up so much of the day, and the rest of it would stretch before me, empty and quiet and lonely - and I am sure that exacerbated my PND (as well as the PND making it harder for me to get out and socialise - a vicious circle).

I still have depression, and still struggle to get out of the house and find people to interact with - and it is still true that the things I do (knitting group, feltmaking group, choir, seeing friends) only take up so much of the day, and the rest could seem very empty, but FB and MN do fill that gap for me. I have made some wonderful friends just through MN and FB - some I have met in r/l, others I haven't - but I consider the friendships to be just as real.

[TheFabulousIdiot]

"Can I just ask though..if you hide or block someone on your FB do they know you have done so? If they then know you've rebuffed them, doesn't that potentially cause friction next time you bump into them?"

I have put a whole load of people on a restricted list. This means they can only see what I post 'publicly' - that is you have various options of who to post to like 'friends' or 'public'. Public means anyone on your list can see it (And anyone who finds you too I think because FB is removing a setting which meant people couldn't search you by name).

The people who are 'restricted' are not counted as 'friends' ...

to answer the question, to be honest I don't give two fucks about what people think about my restrictions and I don't care if people restrict me because it's up to each user what they decide to share and who they share it with as much as it's up to each user to decide what they see or who they are friends with.

Honestly, if someone on my friends list questioned me in 'real' life about why they can't see stuff I would jut tell them because that's how I want it to be and what's the problem!

[Mintyy]

I think you make a very good point op. I am older (51) and most of my facebook friends use it intelligently and can go days or weeks without looking at it, but I do wonder about the impact it will have on my children when they finally persuade me to let them have an account.

[BackOnlyBriefly]

Yanbu

I think the most telling criticism of facebook obsession that's been pointed out is that people miss the actual experience of the event or the company of friends because they spend the entire time posting about it.

[goldnsunsets]

what about repeatedly checking mumsnet to see if someone has replied to your original post or name checked you in a debate - is that similar? is it about some kind of self-representation and reward system?

[goldnsunsets]

very interestuing point op. there is certainly something compulsive about the way some people use fb - it seems like they are using it as a tool to create an image of their own life, which they can have control over and disseminate to others.

[ZooTimeIsSheAndYouTime]

Can I just ask though..if you hide or block someone on your FB do they know you have done so? If they then know you've rebuffed them, doesn't that potentially cause friction next time you bump into them?

[myalias]

Went on a hen night recently and our table all over 40's chatting and laughing having a good time. The table next to us, part of our hen party, mainly under 30's all looked miserable not speaking just sat there staring at their iphones