to not want 'DH' to touch me.

[YesAnastasia]

In a sexual way and say smutty things to me in front of the children (Which they don't understand but still...).

Even when it's just deemed as 'affectionate' by him, I still don't like it.

I have to push him away (or tell him not to do it) which we both think sends an even worse message to the children. So his solution is that I shouldn't push him away. Obviously mine is that he stop doing it.

He walks away and mutters 'what's the point of having wife'. Makes me furious.

So, he wants to be able to touch me whenever he wants to because I'm his wife and even if I object I mustn't push him away or tell him to stop because it's a bad message to the children.

WTF? Or am I being bad wife & poor role model for my DSs like he thinks.

[sad2001]

Thanks for your replies. madam we have a good, satisfying sexual relationship. This issue seems completely separate from our sex life. I like a bit of canoodling when we're alone in a room, it's the in front of people I can't stand.

I'll leave this thread alone now, I did resurrect this one as I could identify with it so well.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Men who do this are abusive, and it's worth remembering that it's not, actually about sex. It's not that a man like this wants more sex with you, it's about degrading you and putting you in your place.

(oh, and before any moron starts whining about 'But I like MY husband touching me up', that's NOT what this is about. Couples who are happily physically affectionate with each other, that's fine. But when one partner is unhappy and has said so but the other partner keeps on doing it, then that's abuse.)

[Grennie]

No, this is not you being a cold fish or a sign that you have any problem with intimacy.

Being married or in a long term partnership does not mean that your partner has a right to touch you whenever he wants. It is your body. You have the right to say no you do not want him to touch you, and he should respect that.

Even in good relationships, we all have times when we don't want to hug or kiss or more. That should always be respected. Trust your own feelings around this.

[Fairenuff]

sad I think you should start your own thread to talk about this. You will get lots of good advise and support. But put it in the Relationships topic as posters will be more sensitive.

If you keep posting on this thread, posters will not realise it's an old one and will reply to the original poster.

[Madambossyboots]

It sounds like you are very upset op , understandably, can I ask if you actually mind him touching you sexually at all? Have gone off him? Or - is it infact "the way" he does it that you find unacceptable?
For me personally, I cannot be a mother and a lover at the same time, it is bloody hard to get this across I know.
Please don't shoot me down when I say, your husband needs to know you still "want" him and probably feels hurt and rejected. These things are not one sided ime. He does however need to respect your wishes.
We sometimes have a 3 minute rule when the children are not around, that way he gets the intimacy he (and the marriage) I'm guessing needs and you set a boundary.
It's not for everyone but it may help. I hope you reach a compromise soon.

[sad2001]

My dh has always done it and I've told him I don't like it, but I tolerate it as he thinks it's my intimacy issue. This old thread that I've resurrected has made me confident that my original feeling(15 odd years ago), is correct. Being touched when you don't want to be is wrong.

The touching, when drunk, has been worse in past and has included hands up skirts and down tops. In friends company it was often funny and sometimes I wouldn't mind. Now we've kids, and in front of my elderly mum it's not funny, it's humiliating.

[Minnieisthedevilmouse]

It's the comment that bothers me. The actual touching can be altered with conversation. The comment IMO alludes to an attitude, a state of mind. That's harder to do something with.....

Did he always do this? Did it used to be funny? You said cold fish but do you mean recently? Say last six months? Since kids? I'm just wondering if it's something always there but maybe because the relationships altered he hasn't? Or something?

[sad2001]

bump

[sad2001]

I've just found this thread and I could've written the OP. My DH behaves in a very similar way, particularly when drunk. I feel like he's laying claim to me as he does it mostly in front of my family and friends. I need to talk to him about it tonight when I get home from work and dc are in bed. Enough is enough, I also have been made to feel it's my problem to not want the physical touching when in fact he is violating my body in a humiliating manner. He was doing it in front of our dc and their friends the other day, and refusing to take no for an answer. I think I'm posting this to just let-off steam, please be gentle with me as I'm feeling very sad and weepy about it. I've long suspected he's a closet misoginist and I hope we can get past this. In many other ways he's the loveliest dh and father, so all is not lost I hope.

[Vivacia]

Then compromise

Really? There are some things I don't compromise on, and who touches me, when and how, is one of them. I'd never advise otherwise.

[josephinebruce]

He sounds foul. Imagine if one of your DSs saw their father normalising groping tits and arse and then they go and do the same at school, in a street..... It is sexual abuse as it is unwanted. He has no respect for you.

[MulberryHag]

Ok, I take back my suggestion Yes.
He reacted like a spoiled child!

[DorothyBastard]

Yuck, what a selfish, disrespectful, rude response. He sounds like a child. Does he make you feel respected in other ways?

[TheDoctrineOfWho]

Yy topsey.

[Topseyt]

Turn the question around on him. "Why have a husband if he can't respect your personal space, especially in front to the children?"

He sounds like an entitled arse.

[FiscalCliffRocksThisTown]

He sounds childish and insensitive

[TheDoctrineOfWho]

Why does he want to have a sexual interaction with someone who doesn't want it?

Why does he think he has more right to your body than you?

[FortyDoorsToNowhere]

Yanbu, after being groped all day I suspect when the DC are in bed it has annoyed you so much that you are put off having sex.

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

Tell this overgrown teenager from Mumsnet that real men know there is a time, and a place.

[trashcanjunkie]

Oh you poor thing, that sounds miserable. This is a rubbish situation, and you are definitely not being unreasonable.

[DejaVuAllOverAgain]

What an immature, manipulative, misogynistic twat. He really doesn't recognise you as a human being much less his equal does he.

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

Counselling for whom ? Op doesn't need counselling.

[tickingboxes]

Wow, what an arse.

Have there been any signs of him engaging in this kind of behaviour before, OP? Before the DC were born?

Any other red flags?

At the very least I'd suggest counselling.

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

Urrgh what a puerile and twatty way to behave.

How can you stand him ?

[YesAnastasia]

I told him calmly and he ridiculed me and mumsnet and then said "it's OK, I'll never touch you again."

At this moment I'm glad.