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AIBU?

WIBU to ignore my DH's wishes?

30 replies

MrsSparkles · 07/11/2013 13:34

I work with my parents in a family business, we have made a decision in the business which my DH completely disapproves of (he does not work in the business, but I will quite often ask his for his opinion or thoughts, even though he works in something totally different).

Anyhow, he totally disagrees with this decision and so is refusing to help me out with childcare etc while I need to do some travelling. Am I being unreasonable to just ignore him, make my plans and leave DD with my mum (it's for 1 night) if he refuses to help?

OP posts:

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oscarwilde · 07/11/2013 15:57

Perhaps point out that if the business fails that you will be going back to work FT in your previous career.....

MrsSparkles · 07/11/2013 15:55

I think he harks back to the days when we both earned close to 6 figures, and had no money worries at all. He doesn't realise how much pressure I take off him, by always being available for sickness, pick ups etc, and the saving in childcare expense. I think if I went back to work full time he'd have a nasty shock! However I am way more stressed running my own business (being responsible for 60 people's jobs is a lot of pressure on me).

However we'll try for another conversation tonight and see how I get on, but if I go away and have to leave DD with Mum then so be it, I'm not budging from that stance.

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 07/11/2013 15:37

Sounds a bit as if he would rather the business went bust and then you'd be there for 24/7 childcare, no?

thehorridestmumintheworld · 07/11/2013 15:19

Op your dh is BU but it seems like all this could escalate into a big problem in the family. I think you should really try to talk to him about it. Its silly to have a big bust up over the name of a business. You don't want to set your parents and dh at odds with each other by siding with them and getting them to look after dd, this could end up causing a lot of bad feeling, but your dh has to realise he is putting you in a very difficult position with your parents and when he is not even involved in the business. Its not enough that he supports you so you can earn less, my dh supports me in the same way but he doesn't have a say in the business I work for. So if he wants to be involved in the family business he must talk to your parents about how he can do that, maybe by investing financially if he doesn't have time to work himself. It sounds like the business could use investment so this may be agreeable to your parents. Then if the business does well and maybe even expands you will all benefit and maybe your dh can bring some skills or knowledge from his own career to help improve the business, instead of working against it. You must tell him how important family is to you and point out the advantages of working together and getting along as a family. Maybe he does not see where this could lead if he starts interfering negatively so try and persuade him and get him to help the family.

RevelsRoulette · 07/11/2013 14:35

looks after his child?

If someone 'helps' with something, it's because they are helping someone else with something that is not their responsibility.

I carry my shopping from the car
I help my neighbour to carry their shopping from the car

I look after my kids
I help my neighbour by babysitting their kids.

That's why so many people find the idea of a man 'helping' with anything that is involved in the raising of his children or the maintaining of his home so annoying. It sends a clear message that it is the woman's job and he is kindly offering assistance.

It's one of those times when language matters.

MrsSparkles · 07/11/2013 14:30

Yes he is her father - it's me who said help with childcare, not him - not sure how else I should phrase it?

OP posts:

BasilBabyEater · 07/11/2013 14:29

He earns more because the free childcare you give him, enables him to earn more.

It doesn't give him extra privileges, although lots of higher earners think it does.

BasilBabyEater · 07/11/2013 14:28

What?

What?

Help you with childcare?

Is he not your DD's father then?

Or her step father?

Fucking hell.

RevelsRoulette · 07/11/2013 14:27

So what's his actual problem? He feels he should control the business? He is in charge of you?

You don't need him to do anything, right? So why not have your mum look after the child anyway? What would he do if you did that? If you just dropped off the child? I doubt he'd go and fetch her, would he?

And tbh, I think you should stop asking for his opinion on business matters. Trust yourself and your family to be competent enough to run your company. You don't need to run things by him and see what he thinks. It seems to be giving him the mistaken belief that he has some control over this company.

MrsSparkles · 07/11/2013 14:26

What we're planning to do is change our shops fascia's, he says he disapproves of the name of the new shops, thinks they'll encourage alcoholism. But we think they're a very good fit for the area they are in.

The long term effect if we don't do this - the company might go bankrupt as its losing money atm. If he had any sensible alternatives I'd gladly listen but he doesn't he just doesn't want us to do this. I'll try talking to him again tonight, and see if we make any progress.

OP posts:

MrsSparkles · 07/11/2013 14:21

I haven't asked him to change his work schedule - he's far too busy and important to do that :), it would be met with a flat out no. He can't do any of the nursery stuff (as she's in the day I want to go) as it's too far way for him - close to my work, and an hour the opposite direction from his.

What I was going to ask was that my mum (who lives 5 mins from the nursery) has her overnight, meaning he won't see her. But I didn't even get chance as soon I mentioned it was to do with work, he refused to discuss it any further.

OP posts:

Pachacuti · 07/11/2013 14:13

Can I just clarify - is he actually refusing to look after his own child overnight, or is he just refusing to change his work schedule so that he can look after her in the day?

RevelsRoulette · 07/11/2013 14:06

What's it got to do with him? If you worked for tesco would he refuse to do his share of childcare while you worked if he didn't like the order they stacked their shelves in?

Does he feel like he should have control of your family's business?

bundaberg · 07/11/2013 13:59

wtf?

if the route you're taking involves killing small babies or something then i can see his point tbh! but assuming it doesn't and is actually something quite innocuous then yanbu

however, I would not leave DD with your mother, i would leave her with her father.
what's he going to do?

givemeaclue · 07/11/2013 13:58

Refusing to look after own child?!!!

Icelollycraving · 07/11/2013 13:58

If he disagrees on ethical grounds he inbu. If he simply wants to control yanbu. What will the long term effect be?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/11/2013 13:55

"he supports me (as I'm now earning less), and therefore he should have a say."

That's a pile of crap. He earns more so he dictates your movements? Time to shed the 50's housewife thing ... most of them ended up on tranquilisers.

cornflakegirl · 07/11/2013 13:55

Oh, xpost. I think what he means to say is that you support him in continuing in his demanding job now that you both have a child, no?

He is an arse.

coppertop · 07/11/2013 13:54

"he argues that he supports me (as I'm now earning less), and therefore he should have a say."

And by doing all the childcare and housework you are supporting him. So do you get to make decisions about his job?

I'm guessing not.

cornflakegirl · 07/11/2013 13:53

If it's something he morally disagrees with, and you're expecting him to rearrange his schedule to allow you to do it, I could see his point.

dreamingbohemian · 07/11/2013 13:52

I mean for example -- my uncle was a salesman, and sometimes he would sell things that were pretty much taking advantage of older people (not illegal but insurance policies that were on the shady side, things like that). I wouldn't support my husband if for some crazy reason he wanted to do something like that.

Mim78 · 07/11/2013 13:52

YANBU. Maybe try to talk it through with him again calmly if it's possible he's got the wrong end of the stick or not understood how important this is.

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MrsSparkles · 07/11/2013 13:52

Yes he would call it helping! Not a big issue for me, it's how he's always been (a cultural thing I think). We both used to work in very well paid jobs - I quit mine after having DD as I didn't think we could both work in demanding jobs and give both the job and DD our best. So I now do all the childcare and housework etc (working part time), all he has to worry about is going to work - very 50's I know, but it generally works for us.

I know he disagrees with the route we're taking our business down, but I just don't feel it's his business, he argues that he supports me (as I'm now earning less), and therefore he should have a say.

Cognito - yes it is - I've posted before about it, but this work thing as it affects my parents is the first time I've really been forced to put my foot down.

OP posts:

TheSurgeonsMate · 07/11/2013 13:50

What makes you think that you might be being unreasonable?

dreamingbohemian · 07/11/2013 13:49

What on earth is this decision that he could be so extreme?

Is it an ethical objection he has? Will it impact on him personally in any way?

I mean, it sounds very unreasonable, but it's hard to say completely without knowing what you're doing.

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