To feel angry instead of sympathetic? (self-harming)

[heartlessbitchface]

This summer, having not that long ago finished a long term relationship, I started seeing a work colleague. TBH, although I really liked the guy, I was wanting to start things casual as friends that might potentially lead into something more. I have two kids and I need time to be focused on them.

He was more "relationship" focused, straight in with the facebook status, dropping by with helpful bits and bobs he came across... I thought it was sweet, if a little hasty. He suffers with depression and anxiety, which didn't worry me too much as he'd been stable in all the time we worked together. I also suffer with long-term depression and anxiety, which I manage with medication.

So we had our first "date", and it was lovely--but 20 minutes after I left, he started self harming and sliced his arms to ribbons. (His mate had died, landlord issues, so lots of stress) I was worried and gutted that he was so upset just moments after we had had such a lovely time. I tried to be supportive, make sure he had people around him and was getting the right support, etc. He did it again, and I felt worried and a little angry. But, after a couple of weeks, he seemed to make real improvements.

Over the last week, it seems to be starting again. On the one hand, he'll text me that he loves me and yet his facebook status will be something like "FML, everything is shit". Maybe it's oversensitive, but I find it a little offensive that his facebook page essentially says "I'm in a relationship with heartlessbitchface, and my life sucks"

I just don't know how to respond to "I just want the pain to stop". There's nothing practical I can do, and I'm finding it really hard to offer the sympathy and comfort that he needs, when I've got two jobs and kids who need me. (He doesn't have any kids) He usually wants to see me one or two nights a week, and since I'm always working when ExP has the kids, it means him coming over when the kids are asleep. So, when he comes over, he wants to cuddle lots and I'm thinking "Dammit, I need to hoover and do some laundry while I've got the chance!"

I'm a naturally sarcastic bitch person, and I'm having to bite my tongue so I don't hurt his feelings. I jokingly told him that he needed to "Man up" and keep going until he could get his meds sorted- and he cried. I try to talk to him about how it's affecting me, and he cuts me off and says "Enough!" The longer it goes on, the more his pained facebook statuses are starting to grate on me.

He asked me if I wanted to sleep over after work, and I told him I was in a bad mood and couldn't be relied upon to play nicely. I think he's really upset, as he hasn't been back in touch. WIBU?

[WithRedWine]

Look OP, people undergo years of training in order to help people with the severe mental health problems like this man seems to have.

You can't fix him. None of this is your fault. You have to leave it to the people who are paid to help him & find a relationship appropriate for you and your children at this stage in your lives.

[heartlessbitchface]

I'm not sure if it's all going to blow over easily, though! I'll be surprised if he just strides quietly off into the sunset. Work is not going to be fun.

[LayMeDown]

You did the right thing. I love my DH deeply. He is a wonderful man. He also has sever MH problems. These only came to light after we married and had our first child (although they had been lurking just neither of us realised what they were).
Quite honestly if I knew then what I know now I don't know if I would have got into a serious relationship with him. Because although he is heaps better it was a struggle for a long time and sometimes it is still difficult. I have only now come to realise that his MH has had a huge impact on me. I feel drained a lot of the time and worry about him and his mental health a lot and the impact it has on us as a family. We have a wonderful life but in order to make his mental health better I sacrificed a part of myself.
You know now, you are right to get out.

[Theoldhag]

Please change you name, you are not a heartless bitch! Well done in drawing a line, you do not need anyone as unstable as him in your life, especially as you also suffer with anxiety etc. you have your children to think about and bringing this man into their lives (at some point in future) could have a massive negative impact.

Stay strong and hope all at work goes fine.

The best thing that he could do is get some serious heavy duty therapy for his issues.

Best of luck

[ILoveAFullFridge]

You are not responsible for his pre-existing and ongoing MH problems. If you continue with this relationship he will dump them on you. Get out as fast as you can and do not look back, because 101% sure he will get worse when you leave and will blame you.

It's not as if you already had a relationship and a commitment, and then the MH problems started, and then you have to decide whether to stand by him. You don't.

[Theoldhag]

Ps we are only ever responsible for our own actions, what he does is not your responsiblity.

((hugs))

[ArtemisiaofCaria]

I just can't believe you told a man struggling with anxiety, depression, self harming, to "man up". Joking or not, that is unforgivable to me, unforgivably cruel, intentionally hurting him where it probably hurts most. He is better off without you.

[YesterdayI]

HeartlessBitch I would keep my head down and try not to discuss the reasons for the split with him. I would tell him you are sorry but it wasn't working for you and nothing more. The less said the better and the less drama the better.
I did think the reasons that you gave him initially were not the most considered but I wouldn't worry about it, it's done now.

Hope work is ok.

[MILLYMOLLYMANDYMAX]

If a guy started slicing his arms 20 minutes after a first date why was there a 2nd. RUN he is far too needy.

[heartlessbitchface]

The thing is, "Man up, buttercup" is the kind of thing we'd say in banter in our relationship. He'd call me "bitch tits", or "atrocious cunt" or if I had a bad day he'd say "Awww, who's a big bwave girl?"

But then "the rules" change and the same kind of banter is making him cry. I wasn't trying to hurt him, I was trying to make him laugh by being ridiculous. But suddenly, I don't know what I'm allowed to say when...

[heartlessbitchface]

The reasons I gave him WERE considered. I pointed out that we both have a lot on our plates (not just him). And clearly me just being me is causing him a lot of upset, which is not what I intended. So if each of us being ourselves is causing each other so much hurt, then really we need to just focus on sorting ourselves out.

Is that not reasonable?

[Beastofburden]

I think the kind of "banter" you have been using to one another is borderline, to be honest, on both sides. I know it's meant to be funny but there are other ways to make one another laugh, without that kind of very cutting humour.

Again, how do you think your children would feel if they heard him call you a cunt or a bitch?

I am sure you are right that you would both do better with a break from this. Sometimes these kind of edgy relationships can feel exciting, but I would recommend a period of Mr Boring and Safe for you for now....

[heartlessbitchface]

Well, those aren't the kind of jokes I'd make around my kids! I wouldn't expect everybody to find it funny, in the same way not everyone finds Kevin Smith or Jay & Silent Bob funny. But it wouldn't be outside the norm amongst my co-workers.

FWIW, in my experience black humor is pretty common amongst people who suffer with depression and use humor as a coping mechanism.

[ILoveAFullFridge]

It might not be you just bring you that is causing him upset. It could be that any intimate relationship would cause him to SH as a way of coping with the strong emotions it brings up.

It's really nothing to do with you (said kindly, not strictly) it's not your problem to solve or your burden to shoulder. It is very sad that he is the way he is, you can feel sympathy for him in that respect, but you do not owe him yourself.

FWIW words like "man up" can be helpful, if they are said the right way and backed up by a supportive attitude. IME as a person with depression and anxiety problems.

[heartlessbitchface]

I actually was trying to say it in a supportive way.

He said: "I feel like everybody hates me"

My response was "Well, I'm positive they don't. But so what if they did? If somebody doesn't like you, for being the person you are, then you can man up and tell them to fuck themselves sideways with a big shitty stick."

But that made him cry.

[thehorridestmumintheworld]

Op I don't think you should totally avoid him at work or make excuses for breaking up. Just make it about you say you aren't ready for a relationship, need to concentrate on your kids and not in the right place mentally to make a commitment, but you still like him and would like to be very platonic friends. Encourage him to seek more help and support for his mh problems but don't get too involved.
If he can't handle a break up this is part of his illness really I mean noone likes it but if he is very difficult talk to your boss or hr about the situation.

[BarbarianMum]

So, knowing that he had mental health problems, you are upset that going out with you hasn't cured them. Is that right?

I think you should probably split up. Right now you don't seem to be able to offer each other what you each need.

[heartlessbitchface]

BarbarianMum God, no. I wasn't expecting to cure him. When I started seeing him he had a HISTORY of mental health problems, currently managed with medication--as did I.

I had known the guy for a year, we got on well, and despite minor low periods we were each pretty stable. What I wasn't expecting was to go out with the guy and get a text 20 minutes later saying he had started cutting himself. AFAIK he had suffered with depression but had no prior history of self harming.

[samandi]

You don't sound well-matched. Getting angry about him self-harming/crying is stupid. If you can't handle it then call it a day.

[ArtemisiaofCaria]

What the fuck, trumptonval ?!

Last year I spent 5 months in a psychiatric hospital, as I suffer from bipolar disorder. I have had surgery to repair damaged tendons from self harm. Guilt and shame are part of the self harm mindset, and only exacerbated by terms like "man up'

I am at a complete loss what ironing underwear has to do with that?! Can anyone explain, or is the above poster just a weird perv??

[ArtemisiaofCaria]

Anyway I understand more where you are coming from OP, but unfortunately thats not how he has taken it.

I have also reported weird underwear ironing troll to admin...

[TrumptonVandal]

I'm sorry you've had a hard time of it but I think your initial post was very harsh - clearly your own experience might make reading threads like this a sensitive issue for you and that's understandable but your initial post sounded to me like you're very uptight - and therefore a "knicker ironer."