about DH staying away for (part of) DD's birthday

[OrangeSunset]

DD's birthday is in a few weeks. DH has been invited to a sporting event the day before, and it transpires they are planning to stay over in the city where the event takes place.

DH is rubbish with dates, and when it was booked, didn't realise that DD's birthday was the next day. When I reminded him last night, he got a bit uppity and said his mate will be driving there and back, so they will be back the next morning (ie. the morning of DD's birthday).

AIBU to be annoyed by this? The city is only 1 hour away, and so it's entirely possible for him to get the train back after the event to enable him to be here in the morning.

If he stays and waits for a lift, its likely to be hours before they get back. I would feel a bit bad for DD having to explain why DH isn't there for her birthday when she wakes up.

To be fair to DH, it was only last night that he realised the clash...hoping that having had some time to think about it he will reconsider..! But still interested in opinion....

[Mojavewonderer]

It wouldn't bother me or the children if my husband wasn't there but then we are used to it because he has missed all our birthdays and a Christmas at one point or another due to him being in the forces and being away on detachment.
I would say though that I don't see why your husband can't catch a train back after the sports event unless they are planning a big night out drinking? I would be concerned about that in case they were too hung over to get back in the morning.

[DoBatsEatCats]

YANBU. If he had to work, fine, that's life - but he doesn't, this is a social thing that he could get back from the night before. I would be pretty disappointed in your shoes because it looks as though he puts your DD rather low down the priority list.

[Beastofburden]

A bit PFB, sorry. It is disproportionate. She's only five, it doesn't matter that daddy is due back a bit later. If he was going to be late for her wedding you might have a point.

[HappyMummyOfOne]

Too PFB, what happens when it falls on a school day or you and your DH are working? Will you insist on annual leave and pull her from school?

Wouldnt bother me or DS at all, DH works hard so i wouldnt begrudge him a night away to return the next day.

[DoJo]

I think the point is that it would be easy for OP's husband to be there, but he is still choosing not to be. Comparisons with working are unfair as that is not a choice, and given that he is already limited in how much time he can spend with his daughter, it would be nice if he made an effort to spend as long as possible with her on her birthday. I doubt that the OP is going to paint him as a heartless bastard to her daughter, whatever he does, but I think she is justified in being upset that he seems unwilling to make the effort to be there when it would be easy and appreciated.

[dancingwithmyselfandthecat]

I would ask him to come home by train. The thing about relying on a lift is that you are reliant on someone else'S schedule - wanting a lie in and a long breakfast the next day, maybe time to sober up, wife calls and asks him to pick up some shopping on his drive back, bit of traffic and the next thing you know its two in the afternoon. Yes we all have to work, but that's not what's keeping your DH away and and a child's weekend birthday is special family time IMO.

[UniS]

YABU - its a short part of a day he's not there for. plenty of birthdays she will be in school and "not there" for part of the day.
I managed to miss DS's 7th birthday entirely as I was on a course. was working on my birthday and DH will be working on his.

[shockers]

I was away on a hen weekend for DS's birthday this year (I was a bridesmaid). Rather than tell me I was in the wrong, DH offered to drive over to where we were (about an hour and a half away), so that I could go for lunch with them. Then he had booked an add-on activity in the area for the two of them to do afterwards. I was very grateful. Perhaps you and DD could re-jig the usual course of a birthday morning so that everyone wins. Get up and bake a cake together to surprise Daddy when he gets back maybe... It's only a big deal if you treat it like one.

I've just read Peppermintscreams post, picking Daddy up from the station sounds like it would be exciting, especially if a lovely breakfast out was included!

[OrangeSunset]

Interesting replies, thanks all.

To be fair to DH, we haven't discussed it further since he realised the date clash. We'll see what he comes up with...but if he is sticking to the plan of staying over I will think that is pants...and more justified in doing so given that some of you would too The event finishes at 7pm, and the last reasonable train home is at 9pm, so he could still have a jolly good day out before coming home and being around for DD in the morning. The first train home the next day arrives about 1030, definitely preferable to a lift with a hungover mate however.

I do think it's different to a situation involving work or more serious commitments than a social with mates. Obv these are important too but its all about balance.

He's going to a similar event 2 weeks beforehand, but not staying over. For birthday-related and non-birthday-related reasons (the journey home is a pig) it would be better if he stayed over at that event.

Ho hum. Perhaps I will ask the GPs if they'd like to stay over, so being there in the morning. We do normally do presents in the morning, and DD will be terribly excited.