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AIBU?

to tell my ttc friend that i am pregnant?

29 replies

ch1a · 07/10/2013 09:48

My friend has a dd aged 2 and just started to TTC next DC. I have a ds aged 2.5. This is her second month TTC and on Friday she told me she wasn't pregnant this month. I noticed my breasts felt sore on Friday , did a test and am pregnant. I would say around 6 weeks ( long irregular cycle). She asked me previously if I was going to try for another DC soon and I said I wasnt ready yet. Its not a bad time though and we weren't too careful because we wouldn't mind.

She would have told me as soon as she fell pregnant I am sure. We are pretty close and I value her so much. I am excited and would love to share the news but I don't want to be an insensitive twat given the circumstances.

We go to the pub around once a month with another friend to natter and get drunk and have a good catch up. Other than this friend we have no other friends in common. We are due to go this week due to me cancelling our last meet up due to being unwell.

We meet up a few times a week with our kids at present - I am very nauseous and it might start to become obvious.

Should I tell her now? Or wait til 12 weeks? Or wait and hope she falls pregnant this month then tell her? I don't want to be insensitive but I know that its going to be hard to hide soon..

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OHforDUCKScake · 07/10/2013 11:10

I would just tell her.

A few years ago I was really close friends with two women, me and one had a toddler already, our other friend had none and was desperate for a baby and was TTC. Friend with toddler got pregnant and told not pregnant friend. Next month I got pregnant and had to tell Still Not Pregnant friend.

She cried.

Thankfully the next month she was pregnant.

jammiedonut · 07/10/2013 10:56

Tell her. As someone who was the one ttc conceive I was understandably upset and a little jealous when my bf told me she was pregnant. She wanted til 20 week scan to tell me as she felt bad for me. I felt awful that she thought she couldn't share something so joyous with me. It was hard, and like me she probably won't be able to hide that tiny bit of disappointment but I'm sure she will be happy for you. Oh and congratulations!

fluffyraggies · 07/10/2013 10:50

:)

Tiredemma · 07/10/2013 10:48

I seem to have something in my eyes that causes them to 'water'........

fluffyraggies · 07/10/2013 10:47

emma -

I've said before on MN somewhere that i've been fortunate/un-fortunate enough to have been in both the 'popping kids out without a 2nd thought to infertility' (in my 20s ) and, more recently, in the 'struggling badly with MC and ttc' group.

3 years ago i probably would have agreed with your post or not even thought much about it. It's hard to put yourself in everyone's shoes. I know. That was a lovely apology :)

specialsubject · 07/10/2013 10:41

tell her. And congratulations.

it is human nature to feel upset when someone else gets something we really want and don't have. But part of being mature and a good person is to rise above it and be happy that some else is happy.

Tiredemma · 07/10/2013 10:41

fluffy I wholeheartedly apologise- I dont think I had intended for it to come across like that.

I totally understand the content of your post and apologise. you are right- I shouldnt 'assume' that people are 'just able' to cope with this.

sorry.

Tiredemma · 07/10/2013 10:39

I know- honestly I agonised over telling her and she was just lovely. She had been my birth partner for DS2 (10 years ago) which was before she found out she had trouble conceiving herself. This time I asked her again if she wanted to be my birth partner again- she initially agreed but then asked if she could decline, as she felt it would be just too much for her.

The night I went into labour my BF stayed up until I called her with news that DD had arrived and was so excited. She is an amazing friend- im Desperately sad that she is struggling to conceive naturally as she would be an amazing mum.

Its still early days for your friend yet- but as said earlier, im sure she will be happy for you

fluffyraggies · 07/10/2013 10:36

Oh and OP well done to be thinking about your friend's feelings like this. and massive congrats :)

fluffyraggies · 07/10/2013 10:35

emma i hesitate to say this, because i know your post was well meant, but i have to take issue with the thought that a woman who struggles to handle another woman's pregnancy is not a 'real' friend.

I'm very glad that your struggling ttc friend was able to be delighted for you - but please don't be unpleasant about those who can't be so generous in the face of potentially hurtful news. Raw feelings (such as those surrounding ttc) are not always rational things, and are not always an indicator of how good we are as people or friends.

ch1a · 07/10/2013 10:34

A happy tear I should clarify!

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ch1a · 07/10/2013 10:33

That must have been so hard tiredemma. Like you say it would have been understandable had she been upset given the circumstances but to react in that way brings a tear to my eye ( I blame the hormones)

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Tiredemma · 07/10/2013 10:25

If she is a 'real' friend then she will be delighted for you.

My very best friend has recently had her 7th attempt at IVF (trying for years)- this failed. I found out that I was PG at 24 weeks in May this year - completely unplanned - my eldest children are 10 and 13 - it was a massive shock. I totally agonised over telling my BF. When I told her I was sobbing.

She was delighted for me. I told her I thought she would be upset- and she asked how could she be upset about such a happy thing.

She is a real friend- your friend will be the same. Im sure

ch1a · 07/10/2013 10:21

But yes I definitely won't be on the sloe gin this Christmas now. Oh well - it should be very well brewed by next Christmas or the one Afterwards!

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ch1a · 07/10/2013 10:17

Should read background/context instead of nd.

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ch1a · 07/10/2013 10:16

Well I wasn't - we had a careless day 3 weeks ago and didnt drink since then. My friend has, for the last two months stopped at a few glasses when she has juat had her period so knows she isnt pregnant. I was just trying to give a little nd to our friendship group size and dynamic to show how my actions would change and be noticeable and to show that there are few mutual friends.

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Sallyingforth · 07/10/2013 10:10

Congratulation! But should either of you be getting drunk each month if you are TTC?

ch1a · 07/10/2013 10:08

Treaclesoda I think I will say that.

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ch1a · 07/10/2013 10:07

Thanks ladies. Appreciate you taking time to respond. And thanks for the congratulations - I'm really happy!

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GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 07/10/2013 10:06

She's only been trying 2 months and she already has a young DC so chances are she will not have any problems getting pregnant in the next few months. It's fine to tell her if you want to. On the other hand waiting until 12 weeks is also fine if you want to. There's no particular right and wrong here.

treaclesoda · 07/10/2013 10:04

If its the unplanned aspect, then I just wouldn't mention that it was unplanned. If she says 'but you said you weren't trying yet' its perfectly reasonable to say something like 'we didn't want to say anything as it felt like too much pressure'. I had no idea when any of my friends or family were ttc, and we didn't tell anyone when we were, so its not unusual.

Congratulations, and I hope your friend gets her positive result next month.

SaucyJack · 07/10/2013 09:59

I think you're overthinking it.

If she'd recently suffered a stillbirth or was on her sixth cycle of IVF or whathaveyou then it'd be different.

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LilRedWG · 07/10/2013 09:58

Congratulations! She's only been trying for two months, not two years, ago she'll be fine. You are a lovely friend for caring.

StitchingMoss · 07/10/2013 09:57

Congrats on your pg .

If your friend had been ttc for years then I would have said be very careful how you break the news but 2 months is nothing!

ch1a · 07/10/2013 09:56

She was disappointed this month but not concerned iyswim.

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