To be fed up of my mum's constant whinging and moaning?

[CiderBomb]

My mum has always had a tendency to nag, but I've noticed over the past couple of years she gotten worse, to the point that she literally never ever stops moaning and complaining.

I feel a bit mean saying this, but it's relentless and I find being around so bloody draining because she never seems to stop for air. I wouldn't even mind if she actually had something going on in her life to moan about but she doesn't. She is semi retired and only works three mornings a week, owns her home and is mortgage free, has several holidays a year (I'm not kidding, she is always on fucking holiday!) and is in pretty good health for her age but it's like it's not enough and she never bloody stops fucking whinging and I'm finding it so hard not to just tell her to STFU!

I'd be here all day if I posted everything she whinges about, but I can give a few examples. Her house is apparently a dump, but it's not and people are always complimenting her on it. My dad and brother don't help enough around the house, but I can cast some light on that. Whenever they do help out they do it wrong and it's not good enough ( no one can do it as well as her) and I once spent an afternoon listening to her whinge about how my dad had emptied the dishwasher and put things back in the wrong places. The can't win basically. She is always stressed apparently, and moaning that she "needs a holiday" but she has more than Judith Chalmers! Christ I've not been on holiday for four years because I can't afford it!

Now she has a cold and I know that I'm going to have to listen to her complain about terrible she feels, like she had the Black Death rather than a splutter. Honestly I know people with awful things going on in their lives (terminal illness, bereavement, financial hardship) and they don't ever moan like she does!

AIBU to just wished she'd shut the fuck up?!

[Lazysuzanne]

or you could play moaning top trumps, just try and come up with a moan to outdo all her moans, sort of a game for your own amusement?

[hillyhilly]

Think yourself lucky you can reduce contact, my dh is currently behaving much in this manner and it's really getting me down.

[DragonsAreReal]

I moan, I actually quite like moaning. Thinking about it that's quite strange and I'm not an unhappy person just quite like a good moan to my mum now and again. Didn't realise it effected people.

[cuppachai]

I feel like this could be my own Dm we are talking about here. She has always been a 'cup half empty' type of person, but recently I feel like it's just sooooo negative, bitchy, sometimes so mean in the way she criticises others, that it's becoming intolerable. If anyone tried to tell her this, even if they took the gentlest approach she would explode. She is so very critical of others yet cannot take criticism herself.

She too, does not work, has a lovely home, and plenty of holidays - although perhaps not as many as your Mum OP! - she has a cleaner, and a very comfortable life. She moans about wanting to be able to do more with her time, but rebuffs all my suggestions of things she could sign up for etc.

She seems to feed off negative energy, and only ever wants to talk about the negative aspect of a situation.

I once was discussing mothers with the other mums at DD's school, and interestingly a few of them mentioned the menopause and how it had changed their mother's temperament. I hadn't even considered this before, but now I'm wondering if that is actually the reason why she seems to be getting worse with her moods and negativity. I wish I could help her get out of it but I too am finding it exhausting.

I am also terrified of menopause now!

[Lazysuzanne]

I'm approaching menopause and quite often find myself absorbing the gripes of my offspring, perhaps if I turn the tables and start complaining they will stop!

[cuppachai]

to be fair, I may have moaned once or twice to my DM ;)

[smearedinfood]

Moan about people who moan to much, it may lead to a little introspection.

[CiderBomb]

Cuppachai, my mum also cannot take any criticism and gets very defensive when someone tells her she's wrong. She can't laugh at herself or take a joke either, but is always happy to dish it out herself funnily enough.

The bitterness is just eating her up.

[Gerragrippe]

OP.. Yu yourself are moaning, I mean why are you taking your dads side..? It just sounds as if she irritates you, everyone is different. She may not be the mum you want or the ideal mum but I think you are being a little harsh.

[Beechview]

Why don't you tell her?
Remind her that her life isn't actually bad yet she's always focussing on the negative side of things.

I just did that to a friend who always called me up for a moan. I don't mind people moaning from time to time but if that's all they want to do then I'd rather they didn't call me.
(My friend and I actually just laughed it off and she's promised not to moan so much)

[CiderBomb]

Being harsh? In what way? I have to listen to her moaning about anything and everything day in day out, it's draining.

[cuppachai]

It is draining :( I don't know if I'm imagining it either, but I've started to sense that other people, family members etc, are getting fed up with the griping and she is in danger of pushing people away because of it.

Sometimes she is directly rude to people and it's quite galling. If I point out 'that was really quite rude' she immediately takes massive offence and it causes an argument.

[Gerragrippe]

Well ask her not to moan when you are there as its getting you down and ask if there is a problem that you can help her with.
She's your mum you talk about her as if she were a neighbour or something!

[Pollywallywinkles]

I'm feeling a little sorry for her as she doesn't sound too happy for whatever reason. There could be stuff going on that you know nothing about which is making her feel out of sorts. You don't say how old she is, but she could be at a stage in her life that she thinks life has passed her by. Could she have health issues that you know nothing about, or is perhaps depressed. Getting old is often not all it is cracked up to be.

Just because she appears to have a good life, it doesn't mean that she is happy with it.

It may be easier to have shorter contacts with her as there will be less time for moans and groans. It's human nature to be defensive when you feel criticised, so if you have to pass comments about her behaviour, phrase it in a way that is not going to make her so defensive, or let those who she has been rude to deal with it.

[cuppachai]

Yes, have tried to phrase in a non-confrontational way. She leaps to the defensive, so now I don't bother saying anything. Have also tried to be positive and supportive of her. I suspect that she is depressed. I have encouraged her to seek support from GP. I could say a whole lot more but that would be a whole other thread. One I have been thinking about starting for the last few years, but not knowing where to start with it. I saw this thread and felt for the OP as I know exactly her frustration. It gets wearing and I sympathise. Don't want to say anymore as am hijacking the original thread. Hope things improve cider.

[CiderBomb]

No, your not hijacking the thread. It sounds like ours mothers are very similar.

I know my mum was made to leave school at sixteen, despite being bright and being at a grammar school, because her own parents didn't have much money and needed her to go out and work. I've suggested in the past that maybe she should consider doing an Open University course or something like that, but she just brushed it off.

[Pollywallywinkles]

I do know how you feel as I've been there with my mother and after a particularly horrid, unwarranted outburst from her, have not had any contact for over 2 years. It doesn't sit easy with me, but it is so nice not to be worn down by everything being so negative.

[cuppachai]

Sorry to hear that polly. I feel frightened that something similar will happen with us. Our relationship is becoming increasingly strained.

cider They do sound very similar. I've also tried to encourage things such as Open Uni, part time jobs, all kinds of other things that would really be excellent for her. She is incredibly intelligent and there is so much she could do to occupy her time but she knocks back every suggestion.

[MistressDeeCee]

Your mum sounds unhappy and depressed. Maybe she feels unfulfilled, or maybe she's looking back over the years with regrets, feeling she could have done more with life, etc. I dont know what you can do if she just wants to wallow. Its quite sad, really. Maybe somebody else can speak to her. I know my mum went through a phase I couldnt seem to get through to her how her negativity was draining both for her, and others. My brother got through by foghorning her about how wasteful draining and boring her negativity was. I hope your mother does seek help from her GP, and can start to take up activities that will lift her spirit. Theres so much available for the elderly to do here, it would be a shame if she sat and let the rest of her life pass her by..

[CiderBomb]

I think she may be feeling a little unfulfilled. She had a good job when she first got married, but gave it up when she had us kids which was the norm for most women in those days (early 80's). She then worked in the evenings stacking shelves in a supermarket for years until she went back to work full time when we were teenagers.

Does life ever turn out the way we hoped it would though?

[Lazysuzanne]

Those with unfulfilled mothers, perhaps they can't help feeling a little, well not exactly resentful, but it can make you feel a bit sad when you see your own children doing well and although you're pleased for them you feel a failure by comparison?

[Gerragrippe]

That's true Lazy... I feel sorry for her but I can't seem to explain why. OP she's your mum, have a heart.

[Lazysuzanne]

I wouldnt like to think of my children feeling depressed by me..I want them to transcend me, not be dragged down by me, I dont feel they should have to absorb negativity from me.

Then again my kids are early 20's, maybe I'll feel differently and want to lean on them when we're all older?

[Gerragrippe]

I agree, but also it's not very kind to judge our parents unless they have been heartless abusive or cruel etc..after all they ( we) have done so much for them that is probably forgotten about as they become adults that we should deserve some respect kindness and understanding...not to say no one can find fault but surely one can accept a few faults from ones parents?

[Fairyliz]

Gerragrippe
Thats easy to say but the constant negativity wears you down, I know because my mum is just the same. Its such a shame because I want to spend time with her doing nice things, instead all she wants to do is moan. It makes me not want to visit.