To expect dh to be able to look after dd by himself? Like I have to.

[happydaze77]

I should start by saying that dh is generally a very helpful and supportive husband and father. However my bugbear is this:
While he is at work I look after dd by myself. When he is at home we look after dd together

I really would have thought that, by now, he would be able to take charge now and again. He seems to prefer to do all the 'behind the scenes' jobs like emptying the dishwasher and feeding the rabbit but seems incapable of taking any initiative with dd. For example I am always the one who sorts her dinner, knows when she'll need her next nap etc. He can just take a shower as and when he pleases whereas I have to ask permission. I just want him to know what it's like to have to take dd to the toilet every time you need to go!

I haven't had a break for nearly a year and I am going insane. Her grandparents are the same - they think they are coming around to 'help' but all they do is wind dd up play with dd, then leave me to deal with the fallout.

I return to work in a few days time and so emotions are running a bit high to say the least. Am I expecting too much?

[PoppyAmex]

DH is an amazing father and super hands on, but in the first few months he would say things like "do you think she needs changed now?" or "should she nap in a couple of hours?"

I pointed out to him that he was her father and was just as qualified as me to make those calls. He was actually quite surprised at that revelation

From then on he was able to take proper charge without needing me to prop him up with snacks/outfit choices/nappy bags for the baby.
18 months on he's truly an excellent father with an instinctive knack for all things DD related

I think you need to be very direct and empower him. My pet hate is the "loveable incompetent male" myth, I assume he's a fully functioning adult on other matters so just let him get on with it.

[MrsDavidBowie]

Tbh I don't think the problem is dh...it's mums being controlling and martyrish and assuming dh will get it wrong.

Dh had the dcs from when they were 6 weeks old, every Saturday afternoon, so I could run away screaming from the house to have some free time for a few hours.
Nothing awful happened.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

"Tbh I don't think the problem is dh...it's mums being controlling and martyrish and assuming dh will get it wrong."

Yeah, men being lazy and useless is always a woman's fault.

These men are usually extremely good at doing the stuff they want to do.

Weird that.

[pantsonbackwards]

I must admit that i have seen a bit of what bowie mentions. A friend of mine took on the role of supermum once their child was born. I think she thought that was what she was supposed to do. She was like a stepford wife on acid!

I saw on many occasion when i visited her dh going to do something with the baby or suggesting a snack etc and her knocking him down with looks to kill and sharp comments. From what i could see he was doing no wrong.

In the end she got pnd but wouldn't admit it. She still refused to let him help but got increasingly angry that she was doing everything and spent all her time either complaining that he got everything wrong or complaining that she did it all.

Not long later she had an affair with his friend and the marriage couldn't recover.

It twas shit. He now is a great hands on dad on his days.

[jasminerose]

Joinyourplayfellows- Anyone can look after a baby its not exactly difficult. Of course the ops dh could do it, if she left him to it.

[MrsDavidBowie]

I am the first to admit that I like to micro manage, but knew for the sake of my sanity that I had to have a regular break from the children.

Some of the mums on here must be with their dcs 24/7 .......if you have a partner, why?

[Tabby1963]

When my first was born we bought her home at tea time (I'd had her that morning) and we both just sat looking at her (sleeping) in her carry cot. Neither of us knew what to do, neither of us had experience with babies. We were both terrified, it was a fine bonding moment!

Over time we learned what she liked and didn't like and I also noticed that I had a tendency to be a bit control freaky if DH didn't carry out tasks with DD 'the right way' (the way I did it lol). It was hard to bite my lip and leave him to get on with it, but I am glad I did, because I could leave her with him at any time. Ok, his ways were different some times, but not wrong.

It is the same with housework, he hoovers differently (doesn't move the furniture), cooks differently (cuts the onions too big in bolognaise, doesn't add Worcester sauce), but it is his way so I don't interfere.

[stealthsquiggle]

It's so easy to slip into this pattern, OP, but it takes conscious effort to get out of it I might be a bit guilty myself. The one which still winds me up is that if we are both working at home (so a 30 second commute and no real need to get dressed) it is always me that gets up and gets DC sorted and to school. If I am leaving early I sort out the DC's clothes and other clobber before I go.



I am currently hiding in my office. I did have a 7am call, and told DH he was on DD duty this morning. They should really have left by now, and my call has just finished, but I am resisting the temptation to go and sort out whatever it is he can't find and check if DD has done any reading. It's not easy...

[Thumbwitch]

Faux, if it's any consolation, my DH pulls all those stunts as well. It's bloody annoying.

He took DS1 camping last week, luckily only 15mins away from where we live, DS2 and I visited during the day and then went home .

I made him sort everything out for DS1 - DH was "ready to go" and said "where's DS1's bag?" I said "I don't know, have you packed it yet?" The look of shock on his face that I hadn't just done it, the way I have to when we go away properly (it's "not his job" apparently and if we're going far then I don't think it's fair on Ds1 to leave him without stuff - we're talking about the man who forgot his own toothbrush last time he went away on a work thing!)

So he "sorted" it, including food for them both; and then I took down the bag of stuff he'd forgotten when I went down a bit later. I didn't have to take the extras but then it would be DS1 who had to suffer, so I did.

I can leave him to take care of both boys - but he's very reluctant to change DS2's nappy (dunno why exactly, he was capable of doing so with DS1 but has pretty much refused to participate with DS2) - and chances are he'll forget to feed them or something. I am in no way a mummy-martyr (thanks for that ) but DH seems to hand over all power of thought when I'm around, so he doesn't have to. Fucks me right off!

[MrsDavidBowie]

Dh took alot of videos of the children when he looked after them.
Interestingly, Sky Sports is always in the background

as they got older, I deliberately made myself a bit boring so they would veer towards daddy for bike rides, swimming, other activities.

Now they are 17 and 14 it means on holiday I can read 14 books in a week, while dh takes them cliff jumping, snorkelling and kayaking.

Agree with Tabby....the washing up might not be done to my high standards, and he might not peg washing out exactly how I would....but he gets on with it. I don't feel I am a doormat.

[SmallBee]

I'm SO glad this thread exists. I'm 38+3 with my 1st & I know I have a tendency of being control freaky in some areas ( I don't let DH cook done dishes because he'll only do it wrong & I can do it better etc) I think I'll need to train myself into a habit of backing off & letting him get in with it but knowing this in advance is a massive help!

[SmallBee]

*some dishes, sorry!

[Xiaoxiong]

DH and I did the equivalent of splitting maternity leave - I was at home till DS1 was 6 months, and did everything around the house. DH would "help out" on weekends but whenever he did he would leave a huge mess that I had to clear up, he would "make dinner" by getting a takeaway, he would put on one load of washing and expect a gold star when I was doing one a day, etc.

But after the 6 months was up he was the SAHP for 2.5 months while I went back to work full time in a very long hours job with a long commute. I honestly think it was the making of both of us - it forced us to completely hand over roles as I left the house before DS woke and returned when he was asleep. It made him appreciate how much work looking after DS is (and also how much work needed to go into the running of the house, eg meal planning, weaning DS) and made me appreciate that just having been gone all day at the office didn't mean I got to expect a show home and put my feet up and be waited on when I came home because I had been "working" as if he hadn't somehow. He now doesn't expect to be able to come home and sack out just because he works long hours either.

When you're looking after kids alone, especially when they're babies, mistakes are punished harshly. The day you go out without the nappy bag will be the day they do a poosplosion and you're trying to clean them in the loo at Starbucks with a million tiny paper napkins: DH has never forgotten a nappy and change of clothes again. The day you forget to put them down for a nap when they need to sleep becomes the night from hell - DH is now even more conscientious about sleep routines than I am having done all night wakings while I was working. But they have to have the responsibility to make those mistakes first.

I also think an extended period of time is the key - anyone can take kids for a day and leave the house like a bomb site, let the washing pile up, feed the kids crap and get them to bed too late leaving the other parent to clear up. It's only when a parent (of either gender) has to do the day in day out mundane routine that they learn how much they really need to do to pull their weight as a parent and partner IMO.

[mrsjay]

It is tempting just to bugger off somewhere and leave them to it but then I would feel bad for dd if it all goes wrong.

what is going to go wrong if you go out you want him to take the lead and do more but you are not letting him not on purpose it has probably become a habit as you know her routines etc but fgs go out and do stuff dont ask for permission for a shower just go for a shower he will manage you need to give him a chance to parent her it might not be the way you do it but she won't break if he does it different to you,

[mrsjay]

I have to agree with mrsdavidbowie why do mothers think they can't give up control to the men just because we are mothers doesn't make us in charge

[Mawgatron]

This may mean some judging from you lovely ladies, but the way I dealt with this was buggering of for a girls weekend to Ibiza when baby was 12 weeks old. Before I went it was very much like this, and DH would moan about why I hadn't done such and such as all I was doing was watching tv all day. Since my return, he has been much more hands on, seems to have a better relationship with baby and doesn't seem to be making jibes about what I do all day any more! I had a lovely time, DH bonded with baby and understood my role. Win win!

So, moral of the story- go away and have fun!

[pantsonbackwards]

Thumb. I must admit that when Im out with my dh i unintentionally hand over power of "direction". In that I take no notice of the route we are taking and would get lost! When im on my own i have to take notice. I manage just fine. Its just that he has such a good sense of direction.

[pantsonbackwards]

I also think an extended period of time is the key - anyone can take kids for a day and leave the house like a bomb site, let the washing pile up, feed the kids crap and get them to bed too late leaving the other parent to clear up. It's only when a parent (of either gender) has to do the day in day out mundane routine that they learn how much they really need to do to pull their weight as a parent and partner IMO.

I agree. My dh thinks he knows what its like but without the day after day after day stuff, he can't really. Him staying at home while i go out and watching a film with the kids, or taking them to his mum and dads who will play with them and feed them isn't the same.

[stealthsquiggle]

It's an ongoing thing, though. Friend who has self-confessed control freak tendencies was really strong about this with her DC1 - made sure she handed over to her DH and didn't tell him how to do stuff, let him do things his way, 50/50 responsibility during her mat leave so that it wasn't too much of a shock when she went back to work, etc, etc.

However, they now have DC2 and she has gone back to work again, and I have noticed that if they are both there, then her DH always seems to get the "easier" DC at any given moment, IYSWIM - or he is focusing entirely on one DC while she deals with the other and getting something else donw at the same time. She is the one stressing about school decisions for DC1, future childcare, etc while he shrugs and says "it'll all work out" - and he can zone out completely whilst engaged in some household/DIY task whereas she rarely gets to. She still does way better than me at the whole letting go and letting him get on with it thing, so I am in no position to criticise, but it does need a bit of a reset.

[KittyLane1]

What the hell is it with men who just take the DC to their mum and dads to watch them?! My DH is the same and it drives me insane.

On the odd day that my DH watches DD he will leave her in her pajamas until noon, tv on all day, food will be toast or coco pops, dress her in a random outfit then take her to his mums where she will do everything and he will sit on his ass. Then he tells me that its easy looking after her!! Arghh!

He also asks where x y z are instead of just looking, example, where is DDs pink coat? Instead of looking at the coat rack, wardrobe or clean washing pile. Then where are her shoes, her bag, his car keys etc until it gets to the point where I may as well have gotten up and done it myself.

I was very ill and in hospital for two weeks. Did he man up and cope? Did he hell, he gave the dog to my mum, DD to his mum and lived alone whilst complaining about how hard it all was on him.

he is buried in the garden

[BeaWheesht]

pantson I've done all that, none of it works, the ignoring the kids is a MAJOR issue for me

[oscarwilde]

Similar experience to Xiao (ish) in that I did a lot of business travel when I went back to work after DD1 when she was 7 months old. Dropped DH in it from a height. They muddled through and I was 6000 miles away which was probably a good thing and have a great relationship as a result.
No travel now so DD2 was mostly left to me as BF and then even when not, DD1 was the easier to look after. I sat down one day and wrote out the most anally retentive day planner for looking after the two girls simultaneously. He's not an idiot and is a v good Dad, but when they are small, it's very easy to not know how much food they should have and when. We are both at work full-time so now I check with our nanny as to what has changed periodically.
Even the MIL has commented on how useful it is to have as a quick reference when she has babysat. It's very easy to drift a bit and then you've got one child like a bag of cats because a nap is overdue.
I can't recommend it highly enough - PM me if you want me to email it to you and save you the trouble :)
You do have to write it up and then bugger off for a day or two though for it to be any use.

Those of you with the helpless men children who rely on their parents to feed and water their kids. Bury them in the garden, there's clearly no hope. I'd probably just ask lots of passive aggressive questions in a snide tone of voice as to "diddums - who does all the tricky stuff for you at work?"

[Orangeanddemons]

This is like my dh, it drives me mad. He just sort of opts out. He will always look after dd, and help around the house, but if I'm around, he just screens her out and forgets to give her any breakfast etc.

Dd gets eczema, but somehow it is my job to police it, check it, put creams on, take her to doctors about it. She has long curly hair which is a nightmare to wash and brush....but it's ALWAYS my job to deal with it. He's never ever cut her toe or finger nails. He just doesn't think about it. When ever we go out, he strolls ahead leaving me to deal with questions/nags/tantrums. I have had several words about it, but he just doesn't get it.

My particular pet hate, is when I tidy up and put dds stuff on stairs to take up to her room. He just walks past it every time.