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AIBU?

to take whatever help I can get?

43 replies

awakemysoull · 12/09/2013 11:37

I have DD1 who is 4 and DD2 who is 12 weeks.

I am very lucky that I have a family who are fantastic and not too far away. I get no help at all from DP but that's a whole other thread.

Once a week or so my mum or gran offer to take dd1 for the day to give me a break. She usually ends up staying overnight. Dd1 is an angel. She Is no bother at all but like any 4 year old she needs entertained and is very energetic. Dd2 is quite challenging at the moment. She's not sleeping that well and I'm quite tired. My family taking dd1 means I get the chance to nap/do housework/watch telly /go to the supermarket without having to worry about entertaining dd1 and having dd2 crying etc. I am more than capable of taking 2 children out by myself and do it on a regular basis. Sometimes it's nice to get a shopping done in 'peace' though.

My friends think it's awful that I 'palm dd1 off to whoever will have her' and that I am 'clearly not coping with 2 children so I should go to social services and ask for help' I also 'don't have a bond with DD1 because she goes to her grandparents house once a week. She loves going to her grandparents house and they love having her.

Now I know I'm coping fine. I honestly am I am getting on great and love being a mum. These friends are childless and hate children. They don't understand why anybody wants a family and it just seems they are willing me to fail all the time. If I feel a bit down they are first to text telling me I've got PND and I need to go to the docs. I don't have PND. I know this because I had it after the birth of dd1 and it is awful. I feel so much better this time.

I'm rambling a bit now so this is the point -

AIBU to let DD1 stay with her grandparents or great grandparents once a week (sometimes less)? She never misses nursery they always take her if she stays during the week. They are offering me help I'm not asking for it. Am I taking the piss a bit?

OP posts:

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pictish · 12/09/2013 19:41

I wonder if it's partially a reflection on how they see your lazy partner, and they see it that you would rather let your mum or granny lighten your load, than put your foot down to him.

HappyMummyOfOne · 12/09/2013 19:37

I'm wonderkng if they see your DP as the problem and the fact you wouldnt need external help if he was co-parenting properly.

I think it depends on your view, your friends are entitled to their opinion. Doesnt make it wrong. Some arre happy to send their children off whilst others arent. Some grans i know are totally exhausted and it would appear their adult children are either oblivious or too selfish to care.

WillSingForCake · 12/09/2013 19:35

You have a lovely family, but not-so-lovely friends!

Rufus43 · 12/09/2013 19:07

Good god no! They love it, she loves it,you love it, what's not too love

PresidentServalan · 12/09/2013 17:23

My grandmother used to look after me after school etc when I was a kid because my mum and dad were working - my Aunt kicked off about it. But my nan enjoyed it, I enjoyed it and I grew up having a close bond with her. I also have a close bond with my parents so YANBU - it sounds like you and your family are all happy with the arrangements so bugger anyone else's opinion!

zatyaballerina · 12/09/2013 17:12

What nasty, ignorant people. Your kids are very lucky to have a loving and supportive extended family, it makes things so much easier for you too! Kids love going off with kindly grandparents who spoil them. Take any help you can get, those breaks are good for all of you (and get rid of those idiot 'friends')

ouryve · 12/09/2013 16:53

You have a very lucky DD who is forming good relationships with her grandparents and great grandparents and probably having the time of her life, instead of being dragged round the shops or being bored while you deal with the baby.

Your friends need to butt out.

MammaTJ · 12/09/2013 16:49

You have no problems apart from your DP not pulling his weight and your poisonous 'friends'. I see no hard in allowing your child to go to grandparents who want her.

This does not mean you lack a bond, it means she also has a bond with them.

MrsDibble · 12/09/2013 16:36

PS - unless your dp has a very demanding job or something it might be worth trying to get him to help more. It would be good for both dds to have their Dad about, even if you are getting plenty of help from elsewhere.

But if that's not achievable then you seem to be dealing very well with things as they are.

MrsDibble · 12/09/2013 16:35

This has been answered very thoroughly already but of course YANBU.

Agree that your friends are being ridiculous.

You sound like you are being a totally normal Mum to me.

Well done!

Neither of your dds will benefit if you don't accept help (especially from loving family) when it's offered. You will get tired and then you won't be doing as good a job as you are now - could end up getting ratty with kids etc.

When I had my daughter I specifically remember hv and all experts telling me you have to look after yourself or you'll be no good to anyone.

AngryFeet · 12/09/2013 16:28

Were they always like this or did they suddenly change when you had kids? Sounds very strange.

Charlottehere · 12/09/2013 14:38

They don't sound like friends twunts

mrspremise · 12/09/2013 14:17

They are not your friends. I suspect they are nasty jealous of the support you get from your family. Tell them to shut up, or even better, never speak to them again

DoJo · 12/09/2013 14:12

YABU for thinking these people are you friends. You don't have to put up with their negativity, and if anything was likely to contribute to PND it is their attitude and constant undermining you. Tell them to cock off and be done with their twattishness.

CoffeeTea103 · 12/09/2013 14:12

Your friends sound horrible and more jealous than anything. Your kids are spending time with their family and what is wrong with that?

For them to even suggest you contact social services is ridiculous. You are so lucky that your family want to play a part in your kids lives, your friends are just stirring up nonsense.

meganorks · 12/09/2013 13:59

YANBU and those people are not friends but horrible mean people. What ridiculous things to say! I think you should point out that some GP's love having any excuse to get their GCs over - I know ours do! It is easier to get stuff done without the older one around. And I bet she loves one on one time with her grandparents.

I think I am in a similar position to you except my DP is awesome and my friends aren't twats!

awakemysoull · 12/09/2013 13:49

Yes I think they think if my dp done a bit more I wouldn't be as tired. I suppose that's true but things are getting better.

They just don't understand the stress involved in looking after 2 small children. They always plan lunches out in very child unfriendly places or want me to meet them in busy shopping centres for a days shopping and don't understand why I don't want to bring the kids with me. It's almost as if they do this on purpose so they can watch me struggle round the shops with a 4 year old and a pram. They offer no help at all just criticism. It's very much my children my problem.

I thought the same about social services but to be honest it wouldn't surprise me if they took my friends complaints seriously if they were ever to speak about it.

Thanks for the advice I'm going to let the friendship fizzle out. It will be hard because I've known them since I was baby sized but it just doesn't work anymore

OP posts:

SlobAtHome · 12/09/2013 13:03

These are no friends of yours.

Enjoy those more peaceful days :)

Squitten · 12/09/2013 12:53

Your friends sound nasty!

Sounds like your issues with why you get no help from your DP need addressing too

dreamingbohemian · 12/09/2013 12:49

Actually -- just a thought though. You say your DP doesn't help at all. Could that be colouring your friends' opinions? Like maybe they think your kids wouldn't have to go to anyone else if your DP was doing his share.

That doesn't excuse what they said, but it's just so strange that friends would say such things, I'm just wondering why they're being so judgy.

PrimalLass · 12/09/2013 12:44

Your friends are arseholes. LTbitches.

redexpat · 12/09/2013 12:40

It's frustrating when people don't realise how functional a family can be.

It's also very frustrating when people think you aren't coping when you know you are. The advantage is that it tells you that this friendship has run it's course, and it's time to move on to normal unjealous people

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YeahWhat · 12/09/2013 12:39

YANBU

Sounds like a lovely arrangement for everyone involved.

BoffinMum · 12/09/2013 12:38

FFS they are being RIDICULOUS. Who the hell can cope properly, all the time, absolutely perfectly in a tireless and saintly manner with even one child yet alone two? And what is wrong with sharing kids around a bit? It's what we were meant to do biologically. This nonsense about one woman coping single handed all day long in a house on her own is 20th century bollocks. It sounds like you and your family are enjoying all sharing the load and it is nobody else's business at all.

jimijack · 12/09/2013 12:34

This made me giggle.
However,
fuck them, nowt to do with them, not their child or their family, not their problem. fuck them off.

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