To have left my dad's wedding without saying goodbye to him?

[stopthebusiwanttogetoff]

My dad got married yesterday. My sister and I both went to support him, with our children. Total 20 guests. We both made an effort despite rarely seeing him, following an acrimonious (sp!) divorce from our mother when we were teenagers, and him still being with (one of) the woman he left her for.
Anyway, our kids were asked to bring up our wedding presents after the lunch (it was an 11-3 dry wedding).
My son (aged six) snatched the present we had brought from his sister (aged 4) resulting in it dropping on the floor. He immediately started crying, such is his response whenever he knows he has done wrong/ has to do something he doesn't want to (e.g homework). Also he was tired from an early start and long drive.
My dad asked if it could have broken, I said yes. There was a hushed silence (ugh) as he opened it, and yes it was broken. My son continued to cry and walked to me. I told him to leave the room and I would speak to him in a minute, that I was very cross with him.
My dad followed him from the room, and so I did too. (My dad hasn't seen him since last year - dad's choice not mine). My dad told me that my behaviour, in sending my son out of the room, was worse than my son's accidental breakage.
I felt this was grossly unfair as my dad doesn't know my son, hadn't actually acknowledged the gift, and had made me look very bad in front of his guests (who I don't know - his OW's family).
I hated walking back into the room to everyone looking at me, and my dad going to his now wife and speaking to her, then calling my son over and reassuring him that all was fine and not to worry. When my son returned to me (by choice! not summoned!) my dad walked over and told me that this was his day and I wasn't to upset my son again.
I went out and spoke to my sister, who reassured me that she'd have gone mental had her kids done that. I went in and thanked his wife and congratulated her and said goodbyes to a few people I'd been introduced to, I did not approach him, nor him me.
Was I out of order? Was he? He never sees my kid, I wasn't going to beat him ffs I was upset he'd broken the f'ing present! And that my dad didn't acknowledge said gift! I would have replaced it if it had been acknowledged, and if I hadn't been made to feel like a shit parent. My dad, fwiw, barely raised me thanks to his affairs, and when he did was critical and unpleasant. Yet still, the people pleaser set inside me, seeks his approval.
AIBU, and what do I do now? So sorry for the mammoth post.

[EldritchCleavage]

Bear in mind your father might have told you off however you had handled your DS. Because that is what your father is like and that is how he chooses to treat you. Don't torture yourself thinking if you had got it 'right' he would have been ok with you. I'm not sure that's the case at all.

[kali110]

If you dont want to stay in contact with your dad op dont. Does sound like your dad still thinks of you as his child.
Btw i dont think you did anything wrong with your son. He did something he knew was wrong and you took him out of the situation.

[stopthebusiwanttogetoff]

Thanks again for all of the support and feedback, it really has been invaluable. I know it's not healthy but I really have been dwelling on this and what to do next. My ds is happy as ever btw, not bothered one iota, although if asked I'm sure he'd remember and I am also sure he is less likely to snatch a present if presented with the same circumstance!

So my dcs got a card from my dad today. It reads:

Dear Grandchildren,
Thank you for coming to our wedding. Everybody enjoyed meeting you and said how good you were and interesting to talk to. Thank you for the wedding favours you made for the other guests. Don't worry about the little broken present. Looking forward to seeing you again soon. Come to our house, and we'll visit you soon. We will speak on the phone every week.
Love GD.

There is also a note for me.

Dear FU

The GC must not worry about the broken present. What is important is their enthusiasm and generous spirits.

Thank you for helping to make our wedding day a success. Thanks for the idea of having the kids prepare boxes of sweets for everyone. We love having the children feel that they are special and an essential part of family events.

Love GD.

So all of my feelings are raw again and I am not sure what to make of it all. I didn't expect the present to be acknowledged or comments on my parenting. I am very upset, and about to get the kids from school. He has met my kids about two or three times a year maximum for one or two hours (not at all this year), by his choice. He does phone regularly. Everytime he sees me he makes me feel like shit, and he often achieves this on the phone too. What he says, and what he does, are so different. He completely messed up my mum through manipulative, controlling behaviour (and cheating etc obv), and I think he might be doing it to me, or maybe I'm paranoid. But he obviously wants to see and speak to my dcs. I just don't understand what he wants - I guess to see the children occasionally and speak at us regularly. My sister find his behaviour just as upsetting and challenging, despite her being the blatent favourite growing up lol, ain't no favourites now!!!

It's impossible to cut him off, I need to facilitate his relationship with my dcs don't I?

[Davsmum]

I think your Dad's notes are lovely. He may regret the way he spoke to you?
You have 'issues' with your Dad and this will obviously affect they way you felt over the incident at the wedding.
Sounds to me he didn't want his Grandson to be upset over what happened and tbh I don't think what he said to you was that bad! Dads will say things like that - but the problem for you is you don't think he is entitled to because he was absent from your life. He was not saying you were a shit parent! Its about the incident - not all your parenting skills!

It would be nice to encourage your children to have a relationship with your Dad - sometimes crap parents make excellent grandparents!

[Pinkpinot]

They are really lovely notes

[pigletmania]

Wow that is different, they are lovely notes. I would give it another chance and if it turns bad again not to contact

[ChasedByBees]

The notes are nice, but you don't have to continue a relationship you find upsetting or damaging. It isn't impossible if its what you want.

[stopthebusiwanttogetoff]

Thing is, the notes are lovely, but he chooses to never see the kids! And when he does, he literally picks them up for a photo to be taken and then shoos them away. He doesn't speak to them! He says he will never babysit/have them to stay (I havent asked - he told my sis re her kids, it's never come up with us), when we go there he speaks at me and ignores them and criticises me if they interuppt us.

Oh God I could go on all day. It's boring and I probably sound like I'm making excuses. They are nice notes, but to me they are false promises and fake thanks. Genuinely feel like I'm going nuts over this. I get on great with my in laws, mother/sis, friends... He turns me into a paranoid wreck.

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

You are not going nuts OP. I get it, really I do.

Words are a lot easier than actions. I notice the tone of command that comes up a lot in his language 'The GC must not...' 'We will speak on the phone every week..' It has the ring of someone who knows the right thing to say, and who can perform when required, but isn't interested in a) things that aren't done exactly his way, and b) the hard graft of dealing with kids, which is, let's face it, most of it.


In terms of what he wants, I think he wants control. I think he wants to have exactly the kind of relationship he wants with you (putting you down, treating you like a child) and with your DC (benevolent granddad who saves them from harsh mummy but doesn't have to make tough decisions or put in much effort).

However, he doesn't automatically just get to have what he wants. The fact is, you are an adult now and you are in charge of your own family here. When you say 'It's impossible to cut him off, I need to facilitate his relationship with my dcs don't I?' you really don't if you don't want to and it makes you unhappy.Think about that carefully. Just because your dad wants it to happen, doesn't mean it has to happen.

I would just take no action for the time being while you process all this. Don't reply to the card, don't phone, don't suggest any contact to either him or the DCs. If he does ring, talk to him neutrally and if he starts putting you down, immediately give a reason why you have to go - you nee to get something out of the oven, the doorbell's ringing, whatever - and just say goodbye and immediately put the phone down. If you don't want to make any big decisions yet, protect yourself in the meantime.

[Doha]

I think the note to you is a deliberate mind fuck..

[birdofthenorth]

Yanbu. Suspect your dad was playing to the gallery. I think you did pretty well to bid farewell to his wife etc before departure tbh and without slamming a door

[daisychain01]

Why not just hold fire on making any specific decision on what to do next. So keep the door ajar. Maybe take no action and see how things pan out and whether he makes some inroads and attempt to reconnect with his DGCs. Time can be a useful tool! It will show if he means what he says.

Rather than dismiss his cards as mind games. If you dont allow him to play games with your feelings , he cant. If you keep a check on any expectations, then it will ensure you wont be disappointed.

[SeaSickSal]

I think the notes are nice and I wouldn't really listen to the people telling you they're unpleasant. I think that when you put something like this on a forum people will give you advice which reflects their own axes which they wish to grind rather than what is best for you.

It sounds like it was a very tense occasion and you were trying to do your best for everyone and some of the tension spilled over.

I think the notes are attempting to build bridges and are meant to be kind.

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

I am one of the cynical people about the OP's dad's motives but I think daisychain's advice above is well pitched. Stand back and do nothing before anything more drastic if you feel unsure, and see how he lives up to his statements.

[AgentZigzag]

Did your Dad compose the notes himself do you think fukk? If he's never shown any ounce of thoughtfulness in his life.

Or could they be more down to his new wife?

I'm probably more prickly than other posters because I think he's still trying to tell you what to fucking do with the 'The GC must not worry about the broken present.', or in other words 'You will do as I say and let the matter drop (so to speak), and I've told the DGC the same so they know to challenge it if you try to disobey me'.

What is it about him that you think your DC will benefit from?

Not the undermining of you in front of them I presume? Or the betrayal, lack of trust, exclusion, or guilting you into being at his beck and call?

Can't understand it myself, sorry for it being your dad OP, but he sounds like a total wankstain.

[Davsmum]

Some of you are making this man sound likes some sort of monster. The OP ( understandably) has issues with her Dad and feelings of hurt from his past behaviour.
Isn't it time you sat down with your Dad and had a talk and say how you feel?
You assume he said something via your sister?
There must be many grandparents who have little time or patience with grandkids.
My parents would have criticised me too if my kids interrupt when we were talking. Older generations tended not to allow that!

You don't have to see your Dad - you don't have to let your kids see him if you don't want to - but he is their Grandad and he may eventually have a different relationship with them than he did with you.
Just see how it goes and don't look for problems every time he says and does something. Perhaps you read too much into every action from him.
Parents are not perfect.. They have personalities - they can be critical and controlling and overbearing - The problem is you do not have the sort of bond with him that can let you override or tolerate that in him.

Just be honest with him and tel him when you feel affected by him.

[cjel]

I didn't read anything lovely in those cards, I found them creepy and not the sort of wording my caring dad would have madex

[mynameisnotmichaelcaine]

My Dad can be a little bit controlling and nit-picky of the kids, but he also has them overnight, picks them up from school, cooks them tea regularly and sits chatting to them for hours. Ie he puts his money where he is mouth is in terms of having a relationship with them (an indeed with me!) Your Dad has not earned the right to take that tone with you or your kids. He sounds like he is repeating the patterns of behaviour that hurt you as a child, and hurt your Mum.

I wonder if it might help to talk it through with some kind of counsellor? Might just help to clarify some of the patterns of family behaviour in your own head, and work out a way of moving forward that works for you and your dcs. What your Dad wants is not important here, he burned those particular bridges many long years ago imo.

[Davsmum]

For goodness sake there is nothing 'creepy' in those notes!

If everyone who had a Dad like that cut them out of their lives there would be loads of kids who never saw their grandad!

Not every grandparent is a lovely cuddly, kind, demonstrative teddy bear! They are who they are but if you think they are so horrible then you can distance yourself from them.

Far worse things are said in done in my family without anyone feeling that the person is trying to control them.
Its different personalities, different generations.
You put up with what you are prepared to put up with - You can't 'change' people but you can be honest with them about how you feel.

Your Dad can't know how upset you are unless you tell him - He can't guess!

[Stellarpunk]

I think that there are a lot of people on this thread who haven't the first idea (probably quite understandably) about narc parents or why emotionally abused kids go NC.

FWIW I didn't understand it either and it took me ten years to 'get it' with my DH and his relationship to my MIL. I think the idea that abused kids can simply 'sit down and talk it out' with said parent is IMO a bit naive. But understandably so if you have no personal experience yourself.

OP - I would suggest rather than talk to him, spend a couple of hours talking it through with a professional, this may help you get your own thoughts in order - then you can decide what needs to be done.

[Stellarpunk]

Oh and the notes are controlling... but well written and carefully considered. I would be cautious.

[cjel]

didn't say notes were creepy 'for goodness sake' said I found notes creepy and not like my dad would write!!
Davsmum. As you say you're family says worse. doesn't mean I have to like it or that it is good and right.

[Davsmum]

Stellarpunk - I agree that talking to a professional would be helpful if you are unable to talk to a parent.

I still cannot see any 'controlling' in those notes. It looks like he was trying to be polite without being 'over the top' gushy - perhaps due to knowing they have a 'strained' relationship.
Had the note been from a Dad you were very close to - I would have thought it a bit formal and cold - but under the circumstances of the relationship it seems to be an attempt to 'make an effort'
I think its possible to read far too much into things - and if you look for something you will certainly find it.