To feel like breaking down when other mums are critical

[flatwhite]

Hi there,
I just had an awful experience at local council run leisure centre where I had taken DS1 age 2 yrs 11 months to soft play. I also had DS2 age 4M with me in buggy.
I think already off to bad start as DS1 has habit of late bedtime and needing to sleep in afternoons unless he is with childminder who has been away last 2 weeks (bring on the Valium...!!!).
So DS was tired but thought I would try and avoid afternoon sleep by stopping at leisure centre for lunch and soft play..(we had already been to singing thing in morning)
So DS insists on wheeling in his dolly size buggy..
We enter soft play and he manages to busy himself for about 20mins before being able to push open non child proof door into foyer of leisure centre where there is a cafe.
I figured he was hungry - I perhaps should have ordered food the minute we Arrived - I took a chance and paid consequences..
So I join queue - 1 lady making order and having leisurely chat with canteen lady. Another lady behind her.
DS runs out of cafe area and into main foyer and up stairs and is basically all over place.
I can't see him clearly from back of queue so move to other side and ask another staff member behind till area if I could make an order. 2nd lady in queue tells me there is a queue and I say I can't queue as need to watch son. 2nd lady tells me to stop standing still then and to "go after my child" and "control him". Lady behind till continues to serve oblivious to all this.

I go and retieve DS from swimming changing area, speak firmly to him and return him to cafe. Then I apologised to canteen lady for asking to skip queue adding that I hoped she could understand my predicament. She got quite defensive saying "we need to have a queue here to keep things orderly" she also said " Yes weve all been there" in a rather unsympathetic way when I continued to state how difficult it was to order food and watch DS in open uncontained space.
By now both DS's screaming +++.
I realise need to cut my losses and go home as need to wait to order food them long wait for it to come..
I realise left dolly buggy in soft play and rush in to retieve it leaving crying DS2 in cafe area.
DS1 rushes in ahead of me and jumps into soft play. I locate buggy with another child and claim it. Mum holding this child as I extract buggy from child's hand - child was holding quite strongly so I had to pull a little - all the while could hear DS2 screaming outside door. Mother with child totally loses it With me and tells me "not to snatch". I explained I was anxious that I had left my baby unattended ( mumsnetters please don't judge me for this latter faux pas- there were a handful of mums and kids in cafe area and did not feel baby at risk of being kidnapped over the 60 sec period I thought I'd be away!!)
Mother says "it doesn't matter ( re unattended baby) you don't snatch!"
I felt totally feel at my wits end and grab Ds1 and buggy and make a run for it. I was feeling totally desperate and persecuted from all angles.

DS1 playing up again on walk across cArpark and I really shouted at him again prompting lady from hotel next door to come out and shout something critical or even abusive at me but I was walking so fast did not make any any attempt to listen. But I must have been shouting quite loudly for her to get that angry!

But overall 3 diff women all had their share of telling me off over a short time and all because of my anxious and prob seemingly aggressive reaction to fear DS unsafe..

Whole experience left me feeling like I was an ineffectual and even dangerous and aggressive mother who needs professional help!!

I wonder whether maybe sometimes I should not take out both kids on my own as I as am unable to contain DS1.

(Note sorts of things don't happen to me very often - not usually aggressive person, just utterly exhausted from 2 weeks no childcare and very active and curious toddler)

But the criticism from others really added ladel of salt to the wound!

I also could not help feeling quite pissed with leisure centre for not being more childproof and also sympathetic.
AIBU?

[Nicola19]

Sorry, meant to say also that i began the 'spiel' as we'd be setting off from the house, and on the journey and as we arrived somewhere, taking time to kneel down to her and reiterate the message. In dead simple terms too! It made me feel a bit like i was one step ahead!

[Goldenbear]

Whistlestop your comments about 'responsibility' are very patronising. Would you speak to adults in real life like this?

Op I wouldn't listen to any of the advice that reeks of self-importance and intolerance it will just make you feel more shit about yourself. Forget about what others think as people who have an opinion on a child's behaviour in public are usually always 'angry', 'embittered' people. Most broad minded folk either don't notice or demonstrate some empathy.

[whistlestop]

Goldenbear - if I met a person in real life who admitted that queueing wasn't really for them, that they used physical force to prise out of small children's hands, that their under 3 year old ended up in the changing area of a swimming pool and insinuated it as because a door wasn't childproof then I sure would!

I think some people have lost sight of the fact that the OP's child wondered off to the swimming pool changing rooms and instead of following him she started trying to jump the queue in the cafe to order food.

Every swimming pool I have ever been to has changing rooms that lead directly out to poolside - I think it's ridiculous that a parent would be standing arguing trying to order food while their toddler has wandered into a situation like that.

I have been more restrained (up until this point) because the OP was having a shit time, but frankly the "there there, it's ok to prise a complete stranger'ssmall child's fingers off something that belongs to you" posts have frankly made me wonder just how inconsiderate your behaviour is in public, goldenbear.

[MoominsYonisAreScary]

We have back pack reins for ds3 2.5, he takes the wrist ones off. If it was me id be saying if you don't wear the reins/back pack we don't go out.

Ds3 walks really well but he's a toddler, they are unpradictable and could easily decide to bolt into a road, which makes things difficult when your pushing the pushchair. (ds4 is 7 months)

Also snacks and possibly shorter outings. Don't worry about today, im sure most of us have been there at one time or another.

[MoominsYonisAreScary]

And why on earth the parent didn't just take the pushchair from her child and give it to you I don't know

[whistlestop]

Moomins - the OP left the dolly buggy in soft play and disappeared into the cafe. Then reappeared and tried to take it - it's likely that the other mother (not unreasonably, IMO) thought that the unattended buggy was part of the play equipment on offer and was then affronted by the OP prising it out of her child's hands.

[MoominsYonisAreScary]

The op has already stated that the mother gave her permission to retrieve the buggy

[HaroldLloyd]

The mother should have got it for her, she should not have required OP to fetch it and then complain about the way she did it.

[josiejay]

I find it easier to control my toddler when I'm carrying my 4 month old in a sling, then you have both hands free to grab toddler (providing he is a good walker and doesn't need carrying lots).

I think we can all be guilty of judging other mums for their DCs' behaviour at times, but we really ought to try to be supportive in those situations.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you OP.

[jamdonut]

Sounds like a crap day, but I'm with those who think reins are the way forward.I used them with all three of my children,it is the only way to keep reasonable control of small active children.

My youngest used to hate them,and lie on the floor, but you just have to be firm and consistent,till they get the idea. I used to have the holding part of the reins wound around my wrist,whilst holding my child's hand,so they got used to the idea of walking whilst holding hands,but couldn't suddenly disappear if they got it into their heads that they didn't want to hold hands any more!

However,there is a bigger gap between my children than yours, so i don't know what I would have done with two very small children! Probably keep them strapped in a pushchair,I would imagine.

Don't let the other women get you down.

[Goldenbear]

Well yes I don't tolerate any of that shit anymore Whistlestop-I would ask for MY possessions back and expect the Mother to get them for me. If she couldn't be bothered then I'd ask for the Money for my stuff. I would not tolerate a condescending 'telling off' or 'lecture' on sharing from some over confident, entitled Mother. However, it was not that long ago that DD was 4 months and DS was 4 and I felt overwhelmed, not 'together' as some and would've probably wrongly felt I was completely inadequate - I wasn't.

[whistlestop]

Goldenbear - what you and the OP don't seem to get, is that just as you were trying to deal with your own dc, so was the woman with the child holding onto the dolly buggy trying to deal with hers.

It seems that it's ok in your world to do whatever suits your situation and your own dc - and everyone else has to snap into line to support that. Yet when it comes to somebody else's situation you're a complete empathy vaccuum.

I do wonder how the children of such aggressive and self absorbed parents turn out, tbh.

[HaroldLloyd]

I hardly think passing back a toy is that bloody outrageous.

She had plenty of time to have a pop at the op didn't she.

[whistlestop]

The OP says: "I locate buggy with another child and claim it. Mum holding this child as I extract buggy from child's hand - child was holding quite strongly so I had to pull a little "

She pulled it out of the child's hands!

The only mention of her explaining the situation to the other mother is much later on. Perhaps she asked the other mother and waited, and waited for the other mother to hand it over. And just forgot to mention that in the op?

[HaroldLloyd]

She's said she made a few wrong decisions and has taken some advice about things to try. You just seem to be relentlessly sticking the boot in for no good reason to be honest.

[HaroldLloyd]

Wondering how her children will turn out is patently ridiculous.

I expect prisons are rammed full of men whose mothers took a pram from other children, or possibly not.

[whistlestop]

I'm actually debating a few points with individual posters, haroldlloyd. There's a tiny clue there where I prefix my posts with the name of the person I'm responding to.

But yes, I think the OP sounds rude and entitled, I said that ages ago upthread.

[mynameismskane]

Sorry but it sounds to me like you are assigning to much blame to others. Why shouldn't you queue? You need to be more assertive and stop your child running amok and then blaming others for how they react.

[HaroldLloyd]

You specifically mentioned in your post to "you and the OP"

If you want to carry on arguing the finer points of pram retrieval by all means carry on.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

A couple of thoughts, flatwhite - firstly, naps. Naps are wonderful things - I kept them going for as long as I could so,i could have my lunch and watch Neighbours in peqce - they were a godsend. If he's tired, better to let him have a nap, than to try another activity - tired child + busy leisure centre = recipe for disaster - but I think you have realised that.

Secondly, it is worth persevering with the reins, and pushing past the tantrums, not just because they will make your life easier in circumstances like today, but also because if you teach your child that you are in charge, and tantrums won't shift your resolve, that will make your life easier too.

[whistlestop]

Haroldlloyd - it's sad that you can see no wrong in what the OP did, despite her reflecting that she was 'aggressive' in removing the toy.

You seem desperate to normalise behaviour that the OP has said she regrets. Why is that?

[FixItUpChappie]

With respect to the toy...I agree with Haroldloyd The mother should have got it for her, she should not have required OP to fetch it and then complain about the way she did it.

I hardly think trying to get it back from the child by pulling a little constitutes aggression toward the child. That mother should have managed that aspect of things.

[Goldenbear]

Whistlestop, my eldest is fine actually - a popular boy at school and is doing well academically. My 2 year old is a bold character when pursuing activities but is shy and willing to give up toys to anyone merely standing next to her. For that reason I would ask for a toy back because there is no way she'd snatch it back.

[BranchingOut]

I have one child, now a bit older, but I did find the few months leading up to three very difficult.

I do see lots of three year olds in double buggies, so don't worry if you do decide to go down the double buggy route.

However, I think at the first sign of being 'free ranging' or 'all over the place' I probably would have picked him up or been holding his hand extremely tightly, combined with a sharp word, ("you do NOT run away from me!!") mostly because I am terrified of hazards in that kind of public area. The 'carpet roll across the body' or 'sack over your shoulder' holds are useful here! :) Or strapped him into a highchair, or just gone home, there and then. We have definitely done that at times.

I think that unfortunately you did not win friends with the queue jumping and getting back the buggy - I realise that you were in a panic, but suspect that you may need to watch your tone of voice or something about your manner in the way you were asking then...No offence, but I think that something must have been getting the other people's backs up, for that many people to react badly. I have quite a 'soft' polite manner which helps in some situations, although it is next to useless at other times.

But overall, try to put it behind you and make a plan for next time.
Wishing you a better day today.