To think you don't gate crash someone's dinner party?

[FuckingWonderwoman]

OK, dinner party sounds a bit poncey, but I had everyone in my office round for dinner the other night. It was specifically for my team, no spouses, partners or whatever. I have a friend who works in the same building but in a different office, who wasn't invited to the dinner (she comes round quite often for drinks/dinner etc anyway) as she has nothing to do with us, workwise. Anyhoo, she bumped into some of my colleagues on the way out. They said they were coming to mine. She said, oh great, I'll come too, I've got nothing else on. She texted me and said "FYI I'm crashing your dinner." Unfortunately I didn't pick up the text until about 30 seconds before she arrived, so I couldn't say, no you're fucking not.

I was extremely pissed off about this, and was a bit frosty with her (but she is quite thick skinned, so probably wouldn't have guessed), but AIBU to think that this is really bad manners, and something you just don't do? I mean, if I had wanted her to come, I'd have asked her, FGS.

[zipzap]

It's a shame you didn't see the text either when she sent it, so you could just say, sorry, will see you another time, this is just a team dinner, or that you hadn't seen it at all, so when she arrived you could do a genuine 'WTF are you doing here? Sorry, it's a team meeting not a free for all'.

As it was you were in the worst possible situation, because you can't say I haven't seen your text, but you haven't responded quickly enough to stop her arriving and your mind is racing trying to figure out quite how to deal with it, without being rude to her or other guests etc.

I think it would be worthwhile talking to her next week though and saying that you felt unable to say anything at the time, but that you were a little upset by her gatecrashing your work dinner, that she would have been invited if you were having friends over but that as it was for just your team, it made it awkward. And that if you had received her text in time you would have said to come over another time, but the fact she was told by the others and by you (I think if I've followed your posts correctly) that it was a team meal, but she still insisted on coming meant that you weren't able to do the team bonding as planned because the dynamics were different having an extra person there. You don't need to be angry or upset, just calm and factual, just 'FYI for next time...'

If she gets upset then so be it - she didn't care that she upset you by crashing your dinner! And she knew she was doing it if she actually said she was crashing it in her text. Point out that she often comes over to yours (if this is the case) and is invited as a friend, but that you were hurt that she decided to abuse your friendship by coming over even though she knew she wasn't invited and wasn't a member of your team. And point out that you don't randomly invite yourself over to gatherings with others that she has!

She was definitely in the wrong, so don't feel bad about letting her know this! I bet she'll use attacking you as a form of defence but it's her problem, not yours.

[Justforlaughs]

I'd have just told her that there wasn't a place for her and no food. I know that it's easy with hindsight though, it's a lot more difficult with no warning.

[MintyChops]

Well, she sounds cheeky and pushy but you should have just asked her to leave rather than allow her to stay and then complain about it....

[currentlyconfuseddotcom]

Oh Fucking, sorry that your dinner party went astray a little. Was she drunk? Or was it just that it was really awkward and noone knew exactly what was going on with a sudden random appearance?

I've been through a similar situation (with me the culprit) when I was out with a friend and we got slightly drunk, then she asked me to go with her when she met her work colleagues later at a nice restaurant. It was after the meal and when drinks were on expenses. One of her colleagues said to her 'I can't believe that you've brought your friend' and she told me that and I thought 'oh...shit'.

It was honestly one of those seismic moments where you realise that you are not loved and accepted everywhere (part of a childhood mindset! In my case anyway) and think 'oh have I offended anyone?'

Would it affect your friendship?

[UC]

very very rude of her.

[HoikyPoiky]

You should have just said sorry but its only for my team when she came to the door. She was cheeky asking to tag along but she she did send a rude text.
I really don't understand people allowing things to happen and then being mad about it afterwards. It's seems silly.
The uninvited women seems to consider the OP a good'ish friend and would probably have preferred a bit of honesty rather than pretence.

I know being honest with people can be embarrassing and I know it's not easy but I think it is often the best policy.

[Thumbwitch]

Gosh that's rude of her but she must have the hide of a crocodile to have just done that!

Are you going to say anything to her about it? Or perhaps you could do the PA thing and next time you have an event to which she is NOT invited, text her and say "Just so you know, I'm having this event and you are NOT invited so please don't just turn up." But you might end up losing her as a friend if you do that.

[FuckingWonderwoman]

LOL - we're well out of our twenties!

[currentlyconfuseddotcom]

YANBU. I have to admit that she makes me laff though

It's the sort of thing that we would have done in our mid twenties. How old are you guys? Please don't say mid twenties, that would annihilate my excuse that we've (mostly) grown out of that sort of behaviour by now

[Nanny0gg]

So was work the main topic of conversation? What did she do about that?

I have to say, it's probably the last time she'd be coming round to my house...

[YouStayClassySanDiego]

Of course it matters.

She wasn't invited to this particular event yet turned up assuming it would be ok, why?

I'd be inclined to speak to her and say you were surprised she felt it was acceptable and that you're a bit miffed about it.

[FuckingWonderwoman]

I always cook enough for seconds/leftovers, so there was enough food!

Did it matter? I think it was a bit awkward - whole team plus one random woman who doesn't work with us, but for another organisation in the same building.

[YouStayClassySanDiego]

Sorry, I am nosey though.

[LadyMilfordHaven]

did it matter though, in the end?

[YouStayClassySanDiego]

How did you make it stretch to an extra mouth to feed?

[oldgrandmama]

Crikey, what a bloody cheek! Thick skinned? Her skin must be like that of a rhinoceros (sorry to any rhinoceroses reading this - I'm sure you never gatecrash dinner parties round the watering-hole). I've have been LIVID. It wasn't just a get-together, with drinks, nibbles, bits and pieces, it was a DINNER PARTY! And a team even and none of her bloody business. You are right to be hacked off.

[FuckingWonderwoman]

She didn't bring a bottle, but she drank one.

I am letting it go, Flipchart. But she was told quite specifically that it was a team event.

[YouStayClassySanDiego]

I never cease to be amazed by the brass neck shown by some people.

What was the atmosphere like round the table and did she bring a bottle?

[flipchart]

I honestly think she saw it as a work/friends social thing which she is and hadn't realised it was a team only thing.

Let it go.

[Gruntfuttock]

Well if she was that bloody brazen about it I like to think that I would have told her she couldn't "tag along".

[FuckingWonderwoman]

DH opened the door and said "Fancy seeing you here... this is FW's team dinner." She said "Yeah, I know, I've tagged along, her cooking's great and I didn't want to miss out." (I was in the kitchen.)

[FuckingWonderwoman]

She did know it was a work related dinner! The colleagues that she bumped into when she was leaving the building told her - they were apologetic to me that she had tagged along, and had said that it was a team dinner, but she didn't seem to think it would be a problem!

[YouStayClassySanDiego]

How bloody rude!

When you opened the door what did you say other than 'why are you here'

[kilmuir]

cheeky mare

[DioneTheDiabolist]

I think you need to work to tighten the boundaries of this friendship. No doubt she thought it would be ok, but it wasn't. She needs to know that she cannot crash any of your gatherings. If you want her there she will be invited.