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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish people would understand when you say "I can't, I've got no money at the moment..."

100 replies

GetStuffezd · 25/07/2013 16:46

You actually mean "I really do have no money at the moment!"
I'm just having a frustrated rant.
I've moved house this week and even with my parents kindly lending me a deposit, it has wiped me out for this month. I have £18 to last until the end of the month. No biggie, I can do it. However, a group of friends I went to uni with, who live in the city about 25 miles away, have been nagging repeatedly for me to go out with them for their big reunion. I would LOVE to go. But I can't physically cannot afford it.
Result = stupid FB messages telling me to drive and drink coke, hop the train and drink whatever is on offer, etc. Finally, a snotty message from one person saying my no-show was pretty poor.

It's frustrating and embarrassing to have to repeatedly explain how little money you have. AIBU to wish people could be a bit more sensitive?

OP posts:

Secretswitch · 25/07/2013 20:14

Ralph, you sound like me! Sadly, it has to do with the multitude of birthday parties my five year old is invited to. She is thrilled with every invitation but my heart sinks. She is thinking cake! Ice cream!..I am think, "Oh, God where am going to find money for a gift"

Already thinking of the holidays and getting that horrid stomach feeling..

Laurier88 · 25/07/2013 20:18

Think everyone has their own idea of what skint means to them, depending on personal circumstances, and people should respect that.

NoComet · 25/07/2013 20:33

Whether you are skint due to paying private school fees, saving for a holiday or like the lad next door in and out of temporary jobs and flat broke until the job centre pay up, it's your business.

It's unspeakably rude to question people's spending priorities.

I might say yes to a ball as DH and me both own black tie outfits, but curse a wedding that means clothes for two DDs who've grown out of there posh outfits and shoes.

My kitchen has been falling apart for 14 years. Holidays are more fun and two cars are essential, cupboard doors can wait.

thebody · 25/07/2013 20:39

hear you op and agree, it's bloody rude.

phantomnamechanger · 25/07/2013 20:42

MissMarple - you really ought to be ashamed of yourself & yes it is illegal. People "can" drive while drunk - is that OK then?

people driving round in cars with badly worn tyres or poorly maintained in other ways pisses me right off - they are taking a huge risk with other peoples lives

you have no cash for a new tyre - fair enough - so don't drive till you have! if you absolutely HAVE to drive, there really is no other way (lift, bus, walk) then surely someone you know can lend you the money if you explain the need.
But you' d rather take that risk hoping you wont get caught?
Driving a car is a LUXURY, not a necessity, and goes hand in hand with responsibilities of keeping it in safe working order and sticking to the rules of the road.

phantomnamechanger · 25/07/2013 20:46

fair point about the repair kits for modern vehicles, yes, I half take it back -- but the poster in question did not say she had one. if your vehicle needs a spare, you should have one and in good order. same as not all cars have wing mirrors but if they are supposed to be there, they need to be there .

mrscog · 25/07/2013 20:50

YANBU, especially as a really good friend who really wanted you to go might message you offering to pay your train fare and sub you a few quid so you can have a couple of drinks which is what I'd do if I really wanted to see one of my friends if they were skint equally, I wouldn't mind if they were too proud to accept. But interesting they've not offered you a tenner.

ratbagcatbag · 25/07/2013 20:59

Phantom - I read it as the spare tyre is on (which is legal and fine) in place of now flat tyre, issue is there is now no spare,not that the poster is driving round with illegal tyre on. She will replace flat tyre when she can. Which makes sense to me.

HeyIJustMetYou · 25/07/2013 21:23

I dont have money probs because I am stupidly well off but if a friend of mine says they can't come out to play because of lack of funds i would just bring them over to my gaff for a slap up feed. I certainly wouldn't harass them - yanbu! I do have some friends who plead poverty when in fact they are very rich though. Don't blame them - I do the same - its such an easy way to get out of things when you can't be arsed. I just complain of lack of liquidity because I'm currently tied up in palladium.

MissMarplesBloomers · 25/07/2013 21:53

Thank you ratbag that is exactly right and has allowed me not to tear one off phantom who could not have struck a more sensitive nerve at the moment.

Just a little thing called pride sweetie, but being already hock deep in debt to my loverly family (due to a bastard ex running up legal bills another thread) I try not to.

But you' d rather take that risk hoping you wont get caught? Thankfully as the kind poster above put that link on I am assures its not illegal so nto sure what I am going to get "caught" for. The spare tyre is new.

Driving a car is a LUXURY, not a necessity, and goes hand in hand with responsibilities of keeping it in safe working order and sticking to the rules of the road.

I don't think I have read a more patronising and insensitive post, (to me at any rate)

A car is a lifeline when you live in the country as I do, I am a LP and we are not on a bus route. My work is freelance and I depend on my car daily to keep a roof over my head. Some luxury.

I don't see why I should explain to you or anyone but how fucking dare you be so judgey.

MissMarplesBloomers · 25/07/2013 21:59

Sorry for the hijack OP.

MissPricklePants · 25/07/2013 22:08

Woah back off Marple, she is a LP not on a bus route so how the hell is she meant to work and support her dc's?the car in her case is essential!! I do not drive, I cannot afford a car but I live near a bus station and rail station so manage ok.

Snoopytwist · 25/07/2013 22:36

Miss Prickle, I think you mean back off Phantom, Marple was just quoting her... anyway, back to Op's issue, invite them round for a dish of pasta and baked beans (seems to be a bit of a staple dish at our house at the moment) and see if they begin to understand what having no money actually means.

ananikifo · 25/07/2013 22:51

OP I completely agree with you. I'm now selective about the people to whom I'll admit I can't afford things. Some people judge you and look at you like you just over shared a shameful and private secret, others just don't get it (like your friends) and only people who've ever been in that situation actually understand. When I get invited to something I can't afford I now tend to give a vague excuse.

MurderOfGoths · 25/07/2013 23:18

I also don't have a spare tyre, £50 is way more than I can afford right now. But guess what, according to the AA, "You don't have to carry a spare and it does not have to comply with the legal requirements while it is stowed away. However, when fitted to the vehicle (for example, following a puncture) it must then comply with the law."

PaulSmenis · 26/07/2013 08:05

Real friends don't give a toss about your finances imo and are happy to just spend time catching up and having a laugh.

Nice people realise that going for a picnic, having a bbq or a few drinks at home can be just as fun.

I get fed up of saying that I can't afford things. Weddings are the worst things for this. Night away, travel, cash for bride and groom, possibly outfit as I don't go to posh things. If it's a real friend or close family member who I like, I'm happy to spend the money. I do resent it when it's one of those duty situations and you don't actually like the people SIL.

SpiderCharlotte · 26/07/2013 08:14

I hate this. Lots of our friends are much more wealthy than we are and though most of them are fine when I say 'sorry we're skin' one woman in particular always saying oh it'll only be 50 quid, like I can magic it out my back pocket.

Trills · 26/07/2013 08:15

I don't think you can blame them entirely for not understanding.

I would only expect people to understand that "no money" means "no money" if it was always used to mean that.

If they know people who say "I've got no money" when they mean "I've got less money than usual" or "I don't think it's worth it" or "I can't be bothered" then it's not unreasonable for them to not understand that in your case it means "barely enough to eat".

xylem8 · 26/07/2013 08:16

yanbu and it is domething schools can't get seem to understand either

BillyGoatintheBuff · 26/07/2013 08:38

no proper friend would be so horrible to you.

ArtemisatBrauron · 26/07/2013 09:15

I hate this too! I also have a couple of "friends" who always always always manage to avoid paying the bill when we go out, so everyone has to pay more - I tried bringing along lots of change and leaving the exact amount plus tip for my food and drinks but then they just sat there calmly while the bill was short and we all had to put money in.
I try to avoid eating out with them now - they even did it on my birthday - paid for their food but not drinks so I had to put in an extra £20.

EVen when someone says "XY are you sure you put in enough" they just smile and say yes even though we all saw them putting in way too little

watchforthesnail · 26/07/2013 09:43

I hate this too.

Im going to have it next week, theres a big team night out, i was going to go, but now cant afford to as im going away later in the month ( a surprise trip for me) and i need my money for that.

A night out isnt just the drinks, but also taxis and ill need to get something to wear as its clubbing and ive not been clubbing since about... well, it was a LONG time ago.

I know noone will understand, people will nag and then they will think i dont want to be there, i do but i just cant afford to be :(

Trigglesx · 26/07/2013 09:50

A couple of my friends and I are all regularly skint. Thankfully, that means we accept "I can't afford it" very quickly with no fuss. We've all been there.

Trigglesx · 26/07/2013 09:52

In fact, I'll point out that a couple of us are planning an outing for our DCs this summer (not hugely expensive, but obviously needs to be budgeted for), so we sat down with a calendar and figured out when the best time was for both of us financially to go. So much less pressure that way.

MammaTJ · 26/07/2013 10:20

Triggles, me and my friends are like that. Sometimes we lend each other money, sometimes we just accept it. Mostly we just do cheap or free stuff.

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