To be mad my MIL and FIL for demanding where our wedding is held and threatening not to attend if its anywhere else?

[Momofthreeloudkids]

DH- (fiancée technically but we already call each other husband and wife.) Incase anyones confused because i call him my DH in other posts. :) We have been together 9yrs and have 3 wonderful kids. I have always been the "outsider" when it comes to my DH family. It used to bother me and I tried hard to become part of their family with no success. Now I just accept that I'm the outsider but stay friendly and continue to go to family things.

A year ago we got engaged and my DH asked me if we could have the wedding in either Mexico or Hawaii. I agreed as that's his one request. I would love a beautiful beach wedding too but it really doesn't matter to me where we get married. When we talked to his parents and I tried to include them in our planning they straight up told us " get married locally or in Las Vegas or we will not come to your wedding". My DH and I were very upset and hurt by this. I was more hurt for him than myself. They claim they're not beach people. Las Vegas they love and go a couple times a year because they like gambling. My DH refuses to have a Las Vegas wedding because he feels that they will spend the entire time gambling and it won't be a fun family vacation/ wedding if we do that. My DH has told me to go ahead with the planning but I just can't. I didn't feel right about getting married without his family being present and we've had no luck changing their minds.

His sister has been married twice - once in Hawaii and once in the United States. (They travelled to both these weddings) His brother has also been married twice - Both these weddings were in Canada but there was still travelling involved. Money is not an issue for his parents so Its not that they couldn't afford to travel to our wedding.

I feel like they are being difficult because they don't want him to marry me and its breaking my heart. His father had the audacity to say " you better only get married once because I'm only going to one wedding" right in front of me! I was mortified by this and hurt.

Sorry this is so long... Anyways, we are going to go ahead with the wedding planning and stop waiting for them to come around. Am I being unreasonable to be angry at them? And not plan the wedding where they want it?

[Momofthreeloudkids]

lisianthus its not that I'm trying to push him back into a mess. I have to be around them and go to all their dinners, breakfast, holidays etc. and nobody talks to me unless I speak to them first. Even then it's a short lived conversation. I usually end up just being an observer like I'm invisible. I see your point though and will look through the relationship board. Thank you.

zipzap Sadly, I have no relationship with his brother or sister.

talkativejim wow! I feel foolish for not looking at it that way. I have spent years trying to find acceptance with them that I've lost sight of that. Thank you!! Exactly what I needed to hear (read)! :)

[TalkativeJim]

Um... you've been together a long time and have three children.

YOU are the family... they are the outsiders.

Your DH's immediate family is you and his children.

It's a pity that they don't want to be closer to your family... but that's their choice.

Start looking at it the other way around!

[zipzap]

How well do you know dh's sis and brother? Could you talk to them and see if they made similar threats before their weddings?

Would they be able to stand up to their parents and say (in the nicest most effective way!) 'don't be so ridiculous - you managed to come to our wedding in xxx and I bet your PIL didn't say where you got married' if they are talking to them about the wedding (not necessarily bringing up the point but if it comes up in conversation)

[lisianthus]

Have the wedding in Mexico or Hawaii! don't start your married lives being manipulated. The ILs won't respect you any more if you let them push you around.

One thing that concerns me here is that you have a DH who seems to have worked his way out of their manipulative brainwashing to a point where he has won himself the headspace to be able to live his own life and say no to them. This must have taken enormous effort on his part and is a really hard thing to do. Your posts indicate that you seem to want to push him back in to that mess.

You do not realise how fortunate you are. Your ILs will not change and your DH knows this. He knows this better then you. Perhaps have a look though the Relationship board to see what it's like living in a relationship with inlaws where your DH allows them to manipulate him.

[Joanne279]

It's simple. Your wedding. Your venue. If the snooty in laws can't travel to their sons chosen location, sod them!

Seriously! They'll travel to Las Vegas but not Hawaii! Controlling much! I'll come instead op! Me and dp will gladly play the in laws for you :D x x

[Momofthreeloudkids]

I just wish they'd be there to finally accept me as part of the family and be there for their son. You are all right and have confirmed everything my DH has been telling me. Time to let go of that dream and start planning what we want. We want just close family and friends at our wedding. One of the reasons we want a destination wedding. We won't be obligated to have a huge affair and it would make for a nice family vacation too. So far they are the only ones that have said they wouldn't come.

My DH refers/ introduces me as his wife in real life. I sometimes call him my husband or my fiancée... I guess we are weird :) haha

[Inertia]

Choose the wedding you and your fiance want. If you start down the road of pandering to people like this it'll never end- we won't come unless you get married in our favourite casino , we won't come unless you have a cake in the shape of a fruit machine, you have to take the vows while spinning atop a roulette wheel.

If they'd rather throw a strop than share in their son's special day then it's their loss.

[May09Bump]

Go to Hawaii - I'd recommend Kauai (friendly locals and un spoilt island). The most beautiful place I've been too!

You will never win with your PIL, and you need a strategy to deal with their problems - mine was to move as far away as possible, grow a very thick skin and think about you own needs / wants for once.

Another bit of advice is really do learn how to handle them as if you decide to have children, their snubs & demands become even more heart felt with kids involved.

Congratulations on your engagement and don't let them spoilt it!

[misskatamari]

They sound like a nightmare. You plan the wedding exactly as YOU want it and tough titties if the don't like it! I really hate it when people try to dictate others weddings. It damn rude and completely unacceptable.

For my wedding DH and I went to Vegas just the two of us and it was perfect! We wanted the day to be about us without worrying about pleasing others and had the wedding broadcast online. We had an awesome reception for loved ones when we got home and I wouldn't do a thing differently! Some people might have wished they could share the day with us, some distant family members were probably peeved at not being invited to the reception but I really don't care. It was mine and DHs wedding and the most important thing was that we were happy. That might sound selfish but I don't consider it so. I think it's bloody selfish when other people think your wedding day should be about them and their wants!

your DHs family can either get on board or they can make the choice nt to attend. Don't change your plans to accomodate them - they have no bloody right to have any kind of say! Your wedding - your rules and they can like it or lump it!

[Splatt34]

My ILs didn't turn up to our wedding only an hours drive from their house. do what you want & enjoy YOUR day

[edam]

They sound incredibly self-centred. Sod them, have the wedding where you and dh want to have it, tell them where and when and then leave it up to them.

[FryOneFatManic]

Have the wedding that you and your DP want. Or you'll end up resenting it.

As for the DP/DH bit, after 26 years of not being married to DP, people often call me Mrs DP, cos they've forgotten we're not actually married.

[chirpchirp]

YANBU they sound incredibly rude. Your DP doesn't appear to be heartbroken by the fact they are being a couple of dicks so neither should you. Go ahead and start planning, let them know the date and details and leave it up to them to decide if they really are going to be twats.

As an aside I got married at The Royal Hotel in Cancun and can't recommend it highly enough!

[OnIlkelyMoorBahtat]

OP don't let them try to guilt trip you about their choices. Yes, their choices - they've chosen not to come. Stuff them.

[Jan49]

Do what you and your DF want. The ILs can come if they choose or they can choose not to. It's not their business to tell you where to get married.

[spanky2]

I don't think it's odd to call your df dh if you have dcs .

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

The advice often given on here about weddings abroad is to have your wedding wherever you want but then don't get disappointed if people can't/won't come. Same applies here! While it seems annoying that they travelled for other family weddings, it's still their choice and they don't have to - but you shouldn't let it affect your plans if they are what you really want.

[myroomisatip]

Have the wedding you want. (I would be tempted to elope to some amazing romantic location and just enjoy yourselves!)

[PureDeadBrilliant]

They will probably be difficult whatever you do, so you may as well have it where you want it.

[ZillionChocolate]

What Hecsy said.

[justmyview]

I'd say get married your way, but make sure DFiance is totally on board, so you're not labelled as the bad guy within his family

FWIW, I agree with one sleep that it's a little odd to refer to DFiance as DH in the real world, but OK if you do it online, then it's more understandable, as I agree that DF isn't always clear

[pigletmania]

You book the day you want and sod them! Really they will be missing out. I you do what tey wan you might end up regretting it later

[maternitart]

Are you in the US OP?

I think Hawaii looks absolutely stunning.

[SaucyJack]

YANBU under the circs. I might have a bit more sympathy for them if they didn't have the money or experience for international travel, but they do and it sounds as tho they are just being deliberately awkward.