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AIBU?

Friend on the brink of an affair

33 replies

Caryfakes · 23/07/2013 13:35

That's it really. My friend has been in touch with an old school friend, they have met up for coffee twice and now plan on meeting in an hotel on Sunday evening. She's been confiding in me and although I haven't condoned her behaviour I haven't condemned it either although I think she's being very selfish. She has 4 dc, her dp is lovely, she admits this but says she's bored. She's asked if she can use me as an alibi for Sunday evening which I'm not happy about. Just writing that down has made me realise that I'm not BU actually! I feel really cross with her for jeopardizing her family for a bit of attention. I don't want to cut her out of my life as our ds are friends but its made me look at her in a different light. Has anyone else been put in this position?

OP posts:

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themaltesefalcon · 23/07/2013 17:50

Her poor family.

Well done you.

TheCrackFox · 23/07/2013 17:47

Keep well out of it.

One of my friends asked me to provide her with an alibi and I refused. She completely in love but he didn't. 5 yrs later she is still with her DH. I think less of her and desperately sorry for her DH who still doesn't know about the affair and that he is basically her safety net.

Whothefuckfarted · 23/07/2013 17:30

Oh and YANBU, don't be her alibi. I'd question a friendship with someone with such shitty morals.

Whothefuckfarted · 23/07/2013 17:30

It's all very well saying 'oh well my 45 year marriage is the product of an affair'

Like that makes it okay?

Bollocks to that, if you're not happy with someone, leave them. I can't stand the thought of someone staying with me until something better comes along.. playing house and waiting to make sure it's all good to go with the new person before eventually deciding to end it.

Disgusting.

Beastofburden · 23/07/2013 17:02

YANBU. Stay neutral and refuse to lie about anything.

I have known cases where this happened and the mother and father got back together again. The mother did lose friends over it, as people saw her in a different light, and because there were clashes over not providing alibis, things said at school gates that got back to her, etc.

Try to keep a good enough relationship going that your DC stay friends and maybe you provide a bit of a refuge for the child with an angry home life, but thats it.

specialsubject · 23/07/2013 16:49

run away.

if she is bored, there are other ways to spend time rather than shagging outside marriage.

Scruffey · 23/07/2013 16:39

Stay well out of it, don't let her speak to you about the subject ever again. She has no idea how destructive affairs can be and she also does not appreciate what she is putting in jeopardy. What starts out as a bit of an ego boost wreaks many people's lives, hers included.

SirChenjin · 23/07/2013 16:31

Are you sure it's only been 2 coffees if they are talking of marriage and relocating?

xylem8 · 23/07/2013 15:13

as others say - don't get dragged into it

justmyview · 23/07/2013 15:10

Definitely don't agree to be an alibi

In your shoes, I'd make it very clear that I don't want to hear anything about it.

LittleDirewolfBitJoffrey · 23/07/2013 15:07

I know she's behaving awfully, but I kind of feel for her in spite of that. She's deluding herself that this can be healthy, exciting and harmless and it will be anything but. I guess she wants to be swept off her feet and feels that her husband won't do it for her like an illicit affair with another man will.

Definitely stand your ground: you won't be a part of this affair, not even by being an alibi as you say you are (understandably) not comfortable with it.

Boreoff · 23/07/2013 15:06

Has she considered her children at all? Glad to hear you are not getting involved.

This will not end well for her, have seen it before with a couple of friends. They end up begging for their husbands back.

VenusOfWillendorf · 23/07/2013 15:00

Will her DP be minding her four DC while she's 'meeting' in the hotel?
She sounds quite shameless and more than willing to use people.
You sure you want her as a friend?

thebody · 23/07/2013 14:38

her business but defiantly your right to not be involved or implicated.

she sounds calculating rather than naive.

take steps back.

StraightJacket · 23/07/2013 14:33

Talks of marriage, after 2 coffees?

Stay well out of it, and definitely don't provide an alibi. Car crash waiting to happen.

PasswordProtected · 23/07/2013 14:13

How does anyone with 4 children have the time, never mind the energy, even to think about having an affair, let alone arrange trysts in hotels on a Sunday evening?
I assume from the references to her "DP" they are not actually married? This may well be part of her "boredom" or even immaturity.

cuillereasoupe · 23/07/2013 14:12

They have already spoken about getting married, him relocating

After two coffees? Boy is she in for some trouble.

Crinkle77 · 23/07/2013 14:10

OP don't act as an alibi for her. If she wants to have an affair that's up to her but she is not being fair dragging you in to it. Say you will have nothing to do with it and if her husband rings you to find out anything then you will not cover for her.

mynewpassion · 23/07/2013 14:07

Your friend seems to be a gold digger.

Caryfakes · 23/07/2013 14:03

Quesadilla, this is why I was prevaricating as my long term friend had an affair 15 years ago, they are now married and very happy. No dc were involved though and we were all much younger and more naive/forgiving back then. But this feels very different. They have already spoken about getting married, him relocating etc but I guess they would be red flags for me so soon into the affair

OP posts:

Caryfakes · 23/07/2013 13:58

Titty, I'm thinking the same. It's always all about her and this is a huge example of this. Her dp's business is failing, it's not the life she envisaged for herself and so she's jumping ship to a galleon in full sail (om is v wealthy), that looks awful written down. No reply from my text to her yet.

OP posts:

quesadilla · 23/07/2013 13:56

What SirChenjin said. I wouldn't automatically condemn anyone who has an affair - I am myself the product of an affair which turned into a 45 year marriage. Sometimes people find the person they are truly meant to be with etc.

But from what you have said this woman is just having a minor mid-life crisis and basking in attention in a way which could have devastating consequences for her dcs.

You can't control whether or not she embarks on a full blown affair with this guy but you can make it clear you aren't going to support her subterfuge. Hopefully this will put some things into perspective for her.

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DontmindifIdo · 23/07/2013 13:54

She's already having an affair.

I'd also say if her DP asks you you won't lie, so she needs to make sure you're not in a position to be expected to lie. Her affair, her problem.

Tittypulumpcious · 23/07/2013 13:53

Does your friend realise that there's 2 people in her marriage that if she's bored it's also up her to either decide marriage is no longer what she wants and be honest with her husband or do her bit to make it less boring.

If my friend did this I'd have to shut down the friendship sorry.

kinkyfuckery · 23/07/2013 13:50

Good for you. She's on dangerous ground and I'd rather be right out of it.

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