Aibu to ask your opinions on breastfeeding an adoptive child?

[HeffalumpTheFlump]

Im watching a program on really about breastfeeding. It's mainly about extended bfing, a subject I find quite fascinating, but also features a woman who has extended bf her biological child and is now adopting a Chinese baby girl.

She wants to start bfing her adoptive child who looks to be between 6 months and a year old at the point of adoption.

I know it's none of my business what they do and i don't feel judgemental towards her. However I was quite shocked to hear of her plans, I've never heard of someone doing this before.

I am genuinely curious to hear others opinions on starting breastfeeding with an adoptive child. Does the age of the child make a difference? For information the child has been fed formula up until this point and the adoptive mother is attempting bfing her as soon as the adoption goes ahead.

[5madthings]

If you Googlw there is a woman who runs a website offering help in this area, she aha bfed all six of her adopted children. One didn't bfeed till age one but then continued to feed until age two. She had lot of issues because of a problem with her diaphragm and the bfeeding was very important in helping her nitrtionally. Her blog is lovely to read :)

[HeffalumpTheFlump]

Ohshitimlate - I did feel it was a very big deal for the adoptive mother. It was as though she was scared that she would not be able to bond with her adoptive dd without it. Obviously she had created a very special bond with her ds through bfing, but that doesn't mean she couldn't bond with her new dd in other ways.

[Flojobunny]

Wet nursing is not the same as feeding your own child surely? Adopted or otherwise.
The only issue here is whether the child could latch, if I was her I'd give the milk in a cup and bond another way.

[HystericalParoxysm]

The Chinese girl was 18 months old. It was a lovely idea and good of the adoptive mum to try but I felt she was forcing the issue a bit too much.

[Letitsnow9]

Fine on paper but I've seen the lady your mentioning, it seemed very much she was pushing her child to keep bf just so she could bf the adopted child when the adoption was complete, I got the impression she would also instantly drop bf older child as soon as she didn't need him to feed. Found her strange (but not others who I've seen plan it)

[HeffalumpTheFlump]

Wow I wouldn't have said she was that old, I think I missed the bit where they said her age.

[Blissx]

Haven't seen the programme, but as an adoptive child myself, who was never BF, I'm not sure I see the need to BF purely as a bonding method. On the health,side, I have no allergies, healthy size 10-12 and no other medical issues so bottle feeding obviously did me no harm. With regards to bonding with my parents, I obviously always have bonded with them and don't see them as anything other than my parents. This lady obviously has done a wonderful thing in adopting and how she chooses to feed her child is up to her; I just hope she didn't feel she had to, just to have a more special bond.

[Morloth]

Human milk is best for human babies, so a great idea if you can.

But I think a baby over 6 months or so would have trouble figuring out the mechanics if they had always been fed witha bottle. In that situation I would be looking to express as much as possible.

[AmyFarrahFowlerCooper]

Is it maybe a bit cruel to force such a close connection straight away with an adopted child? I don't know much about Chinese orphanages but if its the scenario where the child has gone from not much physical contact to suddenly being pretty much forced to try and latch on (pretty close physical contact!), I think that's wrong. If she was talking about expressing and putting it in a bottle then I think its a pretty nice idea.

[Lilka]

I am an adoptive mum, my children are all adopted from the UK though, at older ages (10, 8 and 23 months).

I don't have a single issue with breastfeeding when it's a young baby. That's normally when adoptive breastfeeding occurs, when American parents adopt a newborn baby in a private adoption in their own country. The baby that's a few days or a few weeks at the most will probably be completely fine and I'm sure breastfeeding would be wonderful if it's successful.

It's less common when adopting from abroad like the woman on this program. Children from abroad are often not as young as people imagine, babies will never be only a few weeks old, they will be 6 months at the very least but actually ususally 1 year +. I have big reservations about trying to breastfeeding a toddler like in this program. I wonder how much it's about the child, and how much it's about the parents needs. The parents desires really have to take a big back foot when adopting. The child you adopt is being uprooting from everything they know. With toddlers, they may 'shut down' emotionally in the first few days or cry unconsolably. That's normal. They have been taken from everything they know and plonked with strangers. That is a terrifying and horrible experience. Adoptive parents (when adopting a baby or toddler from foster care or an orphanage) have to realise that the best day of our lives is frequently one of the worst days our children will have in their whole lives.

Often the best thing is to keep the childs routine and experiences as similar as possible/is reasonable to their old routine. So if you adopt a bottle feeding toddler, I would say the kindest thing to do is to keep bottle feeding at similar intervals to before and gradually change diet over the next few months to all solid diet. The familiarity of the bottle could be a comfort. If you try and breastfeed then you are forcing another probably scary change on them - and a bottle fed toddler probably has no clue what a breast is anyway.

Anyway, when it comes to parents in the UK, the whole topic is pretty irrelevent. Nearly all UK adoptions are domestic, when your child moves in you have the same legal status as a foster parent, and social services would never ever approve of breastfeeding in a million years. Ever. No adoptive parent in the UK would ever be permitted to do it. As I said, it's an American thing, where private adoptions of days old babies happen and social services aren't involved. And rarely international adoptions.

[EliotNess]

i dont get how the biological bit works. Am i the only one wondering this? How do you produce milk?

[Birdsgottafly]

"I think it's worth a go. Why the hell not"

A new born baby, fine. An older baby who hasn't a secure attachment and a complex set of carers/emotional damage, no.

The care given should be around the child's needs and helping them to adjust, putting them to the breast when that hasn't happened before, would be just to confusing and unsettling. Babies make connections and attachments from 3 months old, consistency is important.

It would have to be decided on an individual basis, but if you need to BF to bond, then perhaps get help with that before you start the adoption process.

A child coming form a Chinese Nursery (or similar) usually needs help to accept random physical contact, even when given in affection.

[Birdsgottafly]

Nutritionally speaking, it isn't that important once the child is the age quoted in the Op, either, so completely unnecessary, given that adoptions sometimes break down, this isn't in the interests of the child, at all.

[HeffalumpTheFlump]

Amy - I wondered about the physical contact so soon. My cousin was adopted at 18 months and it took a while for her to be comfortable with kisses etc, but every child has a different background I guess.

I did think it might be a better idea to continue to bf her ds and see if the adoptive child became curious about it? Then she could allow her to try it if she wanted to. It all seemed a bit too quick.

[elQuintoConyo]

You'd be shocked ?
Christ on a rubber bike!

[HeffalumpTheFlump]

Elquinto - I can't work out if you are offended by me being shocked or if you think shocked is an understatement? I like the 'Christ on a rubber bike' though :)

[NachoAddict]

I don't think its a great idea tbh. I am all for breastfeeding and am infact breastfeeding my 12 month old with no intentions to stop soon. I just think it is too much for the poor child mentioned to take in. New home, new country, carers, routine and a boob shoved in the face its just too much.

A young baby who would instinctively take the breast, fine, a previously brestfed older baby fine, expressed milk in a cup fine too.

[cory]

Do we know what Chinese orphanages are like? Wouldn't it depend on the individual orphanage? A relative of mine came from an orphanage in another Far Eastern country and was clearly well used to physical affection, sharing laughs etc. Clearly a very different experience from e.g. the Roumanian orphanages.

[SquinkiesRule]

I would have done it if I could.
Dd was 6 months when she came to us so I didn't even try, she was in love with her bottle and starting on food.
But I think those that manage it are brilliant.

[HeffalumpTheFlump]

Cory - from what you could see on the program she was well looked after at the orphanage. She seemed very attached to the carer who handed her over to the new parents. She was very cuddly and, once she had settled a little, was a happy smiley little girl.

[somewherewest]

Do we know what Chinese orphanages are like?

I understand from chatting to friends who've adopted from China (their children were between six and twelve months when adopted), that things vary a lot from child to child and orphanage to orphanage. For example some children become favourites with the staff and therefore receive much more attention and affection than others, while conditions in some places are very poor, with babies left crying in their cots for hours etc. Attachment issues are very common apparently. I also understand that parents know relatively little about the background of the child they are adopting. IIRC babies in Chinese orphanages are often fed exclusively on cow's milk, as formula is too expensive, so unfortunately the difference between BFing and 'proper' FFing is probably the least of their worries .

All this is of course second hand, so I might have got the wrong end of the stick...

[mrsjay]

I have seen some of that documentary cant remember why i didnt see it till the end, did she manage to feed the baby, I don't see anything wrong with it really women used to use wetnurses, woman donate to milk banks good on her ,

[OHforDUCKScake]

Lovely idea but it wouldnt happen. It doesnt either, she tries but she doesnt succeed.

They very very quickly forget how to latch, the tongue curling latch.

On that note, and changing the subject slightly, I read a headline of a trashy magazine a year or so ago which read "I breastfeed my dad" apparently he had cancer, she was lactating, they heard it helps cancer so he drank directly from the tap so to speak. Except he wouldnt be able to.

He woldnt be able to latch in a correct way so's to stimulate nor release the milk. So thats plainly perverse.