MIL a bit of lush and useless in an emergency

[jemstipp]

My MIL can't go a day without a drink and by drink I mean every evening a bottle if not more of wine. She can't weigh more than 8 stone so the effect this has is dramatic. She is also a bit of a flapper and in any kind of situation no matter how minor, she gets flustered and in utterly useless. My problem is that she keeps asking to have my 3 yo daughter to stay over. My SIL has allowed her kids stay and I have been talking to my MIL on these occasions on the phone and it has been obvious that she has been drinking even while minding the kids (slurred speech). I find this horrendous and would never drink when minding someone elses kids and certainly never drink to excess when my own kids are at home. I am running out of excuses and my other half is well aware of the situation but kind of shrugs it off and says let her stay and says he will tell MIL to lay off the juice but I don't think that is a good compromise.

[Emilythornesbff]

You're right renternomad about validation. Spot on.
Agree that a white lie is useful.

You can't fix this. There's too much denial and manipulation involved in alcoholism.

[RenterNomad]

Good luck. If you need a "white lie" excuse, the weather and your holiday have got your DCs' sleeping all messed up, so better to stay at home, innit ? Aldo, if you see her in the day anyway, why bother with all the faff for an overnight?

[jemstipp]

Back from my own hols now so am cringing at the thought of her asking. Had a good talk with OH so have to wait and see what comes of it.

[Bobyan]

Let's face it having a drink isn't a problem, having an all consuming dependency is.

Good luck!

[jemstipp]

Don't get me wrong, I am not against anybody having a few, emphasis on the few, nor do I claim to be mother of the decade and that I'm perfection personified but I NEVER, repeat, NEVER drink in front of my kids let alone get hammered with them in the house. We are quite isolated and I would be terrified if there was an emergency and neither myself not DP could drive as we had been drinking and we certainly wouldn't have any when we are minding the cousins. Lets just see what happens in a couple of weeks when she will ask to have her over........

[Funghoul]

You've hit the nail on the head. In my family things are discussed, in dp's everything is kept hush hush, for example I've been told that mil doesn't have a drink problem, she's just always been that way, she s the life and soul. It's all bollocks! Then I'm made to feel the bad guy because I don't want a drunk with my child! It beggars belief it really does and as the op realises, it isn't as simple as saying no because then you've offended the entire family, you're denying the mil etc etc, even when you know that this is the only outcome because you aren't willing to take the risk.
I think the op knows she can only say no, it's a case of how to say it more than anything else.

[Bobyan]

Mr needs to man up

It's refreshing to hear a poster understand the dynamics of the problem, rather than spiting venom at your mil.

Unfortunately alcoholics will always drink, only they can stop themselves.

[RenterNomad]

They're asking to have the children because it's a validation, of course! If other family "trust" her to babysit, it's all part of the "brushing under the carpet" such families do. Very sad and worrying for the children if their interests are less important than the validation that an alcoholic doesn't actually deserve (so not a matter of balancing needs/interests).

[Funghoul]

Mil is talking of having dd overnight already, has even ordered a bed for her for spare room. Dd 7 weeks old tomorrow! No need for a bed just yet, plus we live 5 minutes down the road! My parents understand that dd taking nowhere overnight and won't be for a long time, until we have genuine need of it.
Your dp will know the reason why, but sounds like my dp in that they never deal with problems head on. If it was my dm who was in this position, I'd have no problem giving her a kick up the backside by saying not until you lay off the booze.
I come from a family of moderate, responsible drinkers and find it hard to understand those who think it perfectly normal to get so unbelievably drunk in front of children, especially when you are responsible for that child.
Sit with dp, explain how you feel, and that he needs to step up. I often told my dp that whilst I have no problem saying things to his dm, it needs to come from him to have impact.
I realise that I'm posting really long replies, but I hope you resolve this.

[thebody]

Yeah don't get why she needs your dc overnight.

Never felt this was necessary for mine and my inlaws and parents were capable.

Why would you want to leave them?

Agree up thread sleep overs are for the over 10s and teens.

[jemstipp]

I know Lottie, I don't get it either, the other grandkids live a bit away so I can understand why she want to have them over and as I said, we see her nearly everyday anyway so there is no real need. Mr needs to man up.

[lottiegarbanzo]

But why will she 'have to have her'? Can't you just tackle that idea and say that actually there is no need and that you and DP like to have the family at home?

Your DP does need to stop being such a wuss and present a united front, I agree! That doesn't necessarily mean having a big discussion about alcoholism.

[jemstipp]

Funghoul, it's sad that you are in a similar position. If the MIL won't admit it and her own kids are lapse to do anything why should I. I just want my other half to understand why it's such a problem. Deep down I think he knows but just wants to shrug it off. I did actually bring it up today saying to him that she keeps throwing in a comment to the effect of I will have to have her over for a night in a couple of weeks time. I told him that it wasn't going to happen and he didn't even ask me why but you know when she brings it up with him instead of saying no because............ or making some excuse that he will just come over my direction and ask me like it's all down to me to be the bad guy so I'm going to have to kick him up the ass and say no no no no no no always no and you can tell her no no no no always no and you KNOW WHY!!

[Funghoul]

It's exactly our situation. Dp is well aware of mil and her issues with drink but we can't keep bickering over it. It's far easier to tell her a white lie then make myself into the villain when she is the one with the problem. She has cut back significantly but only because of the huge fight that happened not long ago. Dp is an only child and dd is our first child so she realised that by not speaking to us she would have no contact with her only grandchild. Family (ALL the family) make excuses for her and her drinking, so I am seen as some kind of killjoy for not enjoying getting wasted, especially now I've had my baby. Unbelievably, they criticised me for not having a couple of pints whilst pregnant! Don't make yourself the villain of this piece as it deflects attention away from the real problem. She has a problem that she is not willing to address, so therefore you shouldn't trust her with your children.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

It is a criminal offence to be drunk in charge of a minor child.

Should a emergency situation happen and she is in charge of your child and is drunk YOU are guilty of criminal neglect for knowingly leaving your child with a drunk.

So sorry I don't wish to have to justify my choice to leave my child with someone who is drunk every night is more than good enough.

[jemstipp]

I don't want to go on at my other half either as it will indeed look like I am attacking her and after all it is his mother and that's not a fair position to put him in so maybe I will mention it to him again if she asks me and then if nothing is done about it I will just use the excuses to keep the peace. If I just say straight to her, no because you are always on the sauce or even the other half says it, it will be denied or made light of and promises not to will be made. I would say the other half will take that as good but I know she was asked before to cut down on the drink and she lasted 2 days without, I mean 2 days ffs!! I guess the real issue here is that I will never trust her.

[lottiegarbanzo]

The thing is, why does she want your dd to stay over anyway? I understand offering as a favour to you but, if there's no actual need, why do it anyway, regardless of her capabilities?

So, while being straight once probably is a good idea, you could just stick with saying you like to have the family together at night and think the time to consider sleepovers for dd is when they become a regular thing with friends, some years off.

[Funghoul]

I'm not suggesting lying, but if you're honest and say no you drink too much, and that person still doesn't amend their wys, then surely saying sorry but we have plans for that night is better than saying no because you'll be pissed as a fart within an hour of our arrival and make the evening unbearable for us all? Some of dp's family think im a bad influence on him because I've been honest abou reasons for not doing certain things. Repeating that mils an alcoholic over and over didn't help, it was like I was always attacking her, iyswim. Prefer the white lie myself then telling her she's a drunk, especially since she hasn't listened for the last 5 years. She won't stop until she wants to so nothing I say makes much of a difference.

[Funghoul]

You don't want the showdown we had, it was awful and I never want to go through that again. Honesty really is the best policy but I agree it should come from dp. You are not the villain but you'll be cast as one if this comes from you. Dp did the talking for the pair of us, but every so often she reverts to type and I find having an excuse or reason ready to why I cant commit to her plans better than feeling like I'm trapped into doing what she wants. 99% of the time I really am busy so I'm not lying to her and don't feel guilty when she checks up on me and my plans at a later date!

[mrsjay]

you are right you cant force her to get help and if her children are ignoring it then really there is nothing you can do say to your husband though he is maybe used to it has she always been a drinker ? you need to protect your dd though and saying no is the only way,

[bemybebe]

If it was my MIL I would say absolutely NO and explain why. I was on the receiving end of a mildly drunk family member babysitting me regularly when I was small. It was vile. The only good thing that came out of it is I detested drunken people and never was tempted to drink to that extend myself in my teens or later.

[BackforGood]

I too would say "No, because I don't want my children to be looked after by someone who is drinking as much as you are". There's no point in making excuses or making up stories.

[jemstipp]

I know she needs help but if she won't admit she has a problem, what can be done. The other half doesn't seem to be doing anything and neither does his sister.

[propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS]

Just say 'no'. So what if she is 'mil'? She is unsuitable, undesirable and that is all you need to care about.

[BrawToken]

In my (very wide) experience, people are not alcoholics because they want to be. She needs help, and no I wouldn't leave my kids with her either.