Genuine advice wanted!
OH (26) has recently starting seeing a lot more of his old group of mates. They are all a few years younger than him but act like rowdy teenagers (think taking pictures of themselves on the toilets at night clubs, flashing at strangers etc).
OH and I have lived together for the last 3 years and before that he was dating another girl for 3 years, they broke up because she cheated.
Ex-GF is always at these outings, she is loud, self-centred and very "it's all about me" so is nearly always centre-stage. She spent a lot of time trying to steal OH back from me (emails, calls at home and at work, stalking. OH ended up having to change his number, she threatened to come to our house etc).
I don't really like the group, have hung out with them once or twice a few years ago but its not really my scene. They live a good hour away and OH will go out of his way to see them, often at the detriment of seeing me.
(OH is very kind, loving and supportive when I do see him though).
I have a feeling that IAMBU for would like some tips to stop myself getting so internally wound up about it. Everytime I think of it, I get a horrible feeling.
AIBU?
to feel uncomfortable about OH hanging out with his younger mates...
Khaleasy · 30/06/2013 21:34
Khaleasy, you moved out from your mum & stepdad when you were 16/17, moved in with him when you were 18? Or did you move straight from your mum's to living with him?
You're 5 years younger than him, all his friends are younger than him. All?Sorry, but that suggests to me that he is not comfortable with people his own age. I.e. immature. You on the other hand, seem a little bit old before your time (but then it sounds as if your childhood was of the type to force maturity upon you 
).
I do wonder if you would have ended up living together had you been happily living with your mum when you met him. It strikes me that your relationship may have been swept along by circumstances/encouraged by circumstances. I think it is possible that you have grown apart. You do sound like two very different people. Perhaps it would be a good time to consider what you are looking for from your future, and whether he fits in to it?
He never really had friends his own age, not whilst ive known him anyway. they are only about 2-3 years younger than him.
I can confidently assure you that he's not abusive.
Honestly I don't know what I like to do. I only just remembered ice skating 
I fall down a lot though. Take people with me. Probably a liability!
So gah she named it twice.
Khaleasy, we often seek to replicate our parents' relationships - and their relationships with us - without realising it. It's something to do with trying to do it better this time, as adults; a kind of emotional attempt to relive the past and fix the mistakes. The problem with this, usually, is that those early relationships were not dysfunctional because of anything we did, were, or didn't do. The other people - our Mum's partner(s) and/or our parents - were 'faulty'.
Growing up, we sometimes find people who are dysfunctional in the same ways as them, then try to have a better relationship with them. This makes sense to the unconscious, emotional mind, but is horrendously flawed as you can see. It's a bit like someone who, having been starved through childhood, grows up obsessed with eating as little as possible and wasting nothing. They don't need to restrict their own access to food as an adult, but in some way they're 'proving' to themselves that they can live successfully with inadequate nourishment.
I think this is what your boyfriend is to you - your "do it better" project. I bet he's emotionally abusive in some of the ways that are familiar from childhood, and somewhat nicer in others. I bet you focus on the nicer things, almost to prove your relationship isn't like your Mum's. And I bet you feel strongly, almost urgently, that you can change him if you only find out how to make him understand.
This sort of thing is incredibly normal. It's not the most successful way of going about things, though. The successful approach is to put your efforts and emotions into healthy, balanced people who don't play games. There are loads of them about, especially in your early twenties! Find people whose presence makes you feel good about yourself, and about them - folks you can really relax with. Don't tick boxes, just "be". And ditch anyone who makes you feel nervy or inadequate.
Good luck :)
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