AIBU to feel pissed of to come home to find that my MIL has cleaned my house?

[MissTweed]

My MIL and I have had the usual kind of relationship over the years, she thinks the sun shines out of her sons arse and I'm not good enough for him. She came to visit yesterday/today and whilst I was at work she cleaned my house. (She has a history of making snidely remarks about cleanliness/cooking etc etc. my DH thinks that I am totally overreacting but I see it as another dig. What are your thoughts?

[deste]

I spent the whole of Wednesday evening and most of yesterday cleaning my DDs flat as she was moving out yesterday. I cleaned everything with her help, when she wasn't working and left the flat cleaner than my own house. She was really grateful and bought me dinner but really I was making sure we got the deposit back because we paid it. And if she had been heavily pregnant I would not have expected her to cook.

[MaryBateman]

We once came back from our holiday - when MIL was feeding the cat - to find she had re-decorated our hall. We'd had it replastered a while before and were leaving it to dry out fully before we re-decorated according to the plasterer's advice. About three weeks after her 'kind' gesture our very expensive and carefully selected wallpaper started lifting and peeling off because the plaster was still damp. I know she meant well but I could have killed her. DP was even crosser than I was.

And when DS was in hospital she came down to our house with my DM to have a tidy up. I will be the first to admit that the place was a shit tip. DS had been ill for weeks, DP was working away and what with caring for him and working full time, domestic duties had slipped somewhat. She started bitching about how she would never have let her house get into such a state and how disgraceful it was that her son had to live in such conditions. My DM - who I don't always see eye to eye with - ripped her a new one and told her straight that she would've have done better if she'd taught her son how to look after himself, how to be a good partner and how to do basic housework tasks. DP wasn't that bad, neither of us could cope. But she was a much more helpful person after that conversation.

But OP I would not have cooked. And I'd have told her straight why not. She's your MIL, not the Queen. It seems very perverse that a MIL would want a heavily pregnant DIL to run round after her.

[myroomisatip]

Blu Fri 28-Jun-13 19:08:13

This! Exactly!

[ToomuchIsBackOnBootcamp]

Well the acorn didn't fall far from THAT tree, did it OP?

Having read your later updates beyond the cleaning one, I would say you need to have a serious talk with your 'd'h and set some rules about respect for you, his wife. chipping said what I was feeling.

[diddl]

But I think that letting yourself into an empty house is entirely different to cleaning whilst one of the homeowners is there.

Why shouldn't she clean if her son is OK with it?

Why is the cleaning soley the OPs responsibility?

[MissBetseyTrotwood]

See, my head says YABU but my heart says the opposite. MIL and PIL let themselves into our house while we were on holiday to 'do a few jobs' clean and mow the lawn and I felt a bit yuck about that. She always makes a big deal about not judging us being messy and chaotic but actions like that show me that secretly she does. Otherwise, why feel the need to do it at all...?

So here I am on the fence. Sorry.

[DontmindifIdo]

She's clever, she's insulted you in a way that when you complain, you look ungrateful and anything you say to her will be answered with "I was only trying to help" which she wasn't and makes you look bad. Like when people buy your DCs a gift like a fuck off huge trampoline that takes over your whole garden, complaining that you don't want it makes you rude and ungrateful (OP, be aware, she'll use present buying for your DC to undermine you next, mark my words).

I would suggest from now on, you and your DH take it in turns to cook. You will only cook for him every other day, and agree that when parents visit, whoever's turn it is will cook, unless one has had hte day off and the other hasn't, in which case the person who's had all day to cook does it. Plus ask what he was doing when his mother cleaned - did he just watch her or did he actually clean up his own mess?

[cocolepew]

My MIL, when me and DH went in holiday, got the key which his dad had (he was wallpapering a room for us) and came down and 'cleaned' the entire flat. This involved moving everything around, including our bed . Putting jumpers I had drying over the bath in the machine and shrinking them. Rearranging all my cupboards and going through my personal papers, payslips, bank details and all my mortgage stuff (the flat was mine before I got married) and throwing out what she thought I shouldn't bother keeping.

Funnily enough I didn't think she was being helpful. And I don't think yours was either.

[MissTweed]

Normally my DH isn't such a cock but when it comes to his mother he just can't see what my problem is. He knows I have an issue with the way she treats me (I never said anything for 9 years but it all came out last year) but now he just thinks that I see everything she does as a dig.

This is another example of what she's like..... She left her XH whilst he was dying of lung cancer and moved his children (then 13 & 17) to the other end of the country!! She also forgot to mention to them that he was dying!!

[sheridand]

I used to let it niggle me too, but then when I went back to work, I found it a godsend, tbh. Now I leave her notes with what needs doing! They pop in three times a week to walk the dog, and she does my ironing, and she'll always hoover too. It's actually made our relationship better, I think she wanted to be helpful before, but was walking on eggshells, and I was being oversensitive. Now I'm happy to let her do stuff, and thankful for it! In fact, I don't know what i'd do without her now, i'd certainly never get all the washing done. I think my MIL wants to feel useful. The FIL is the same, if I don't give him fences to mend etc, he will end up fiddlign with stuff in the shed or repairing dripping taps that don't exist. Use them!

[exoticfruits]

It depends on how you get on I suppose- they are lovely people- unfortunately too elderly to do it now.

[exoticfruits]

My ILs used to house sit when we were on holiday- it was lovely we came back to a clean house and neat garden.

[VonHerrBurton]

Haven't spoken to the evil cow my MIL for years now but this is the sort of thing she would do, btw, its a mere STRAW from the camel's back as to why we didn't ever get on!

I would come home from work to find she had let herself in and rearranged my whole kitchen, tins where dishes were, pans where plates where. Food she 'didnt like the look/smell of' had been binned - olives, fish that wasn't battered cod, various dips. All binned.

She hated that since her ds and I had got together,his tastes had matured beyond mild cheddar and sliced tomato white bread 'butties'.

She even went as far as to change a jar of plain cotton wool for fucking MULTI COLOUR cotton wool. Weird control freak..

However im rambling :) im sure nobodys mil is as weird as mine. What im trying to say is YANBU. Its too invasive. A few dishes, throw the hoover round is one thing. Full on sort out - a no no.

[AKissIsNotAContract]

You were out when MIL visited and she cleaned the house. What's not to like!

Her mil insisting that she cooks while she's 6 months pregnant and been at work all day.
Her DH being a cock.

RTFT

[MissYamabuki]

This (makes) would make my blood boil.
MIL is not happy unless she's on her hands and knees scrubbing something with a cloth that goes from the table to the floor then to the chopping board then to the hobs. I just give her random jobs to do to keep her busy.

[facedontfit]

You were out when MIL visited and she cleaned the house. What's not to like!

[Squitten]

As far as MIL cleaning goes, I would let her get on with it. More fool her!

But the demand for you to cook and your DH actually condoning that would make me see red. Absolutely.

If I were you OP, he would be told to go back to his mother's house and enjoy her superior services until he has decided whether he wants to be a husband or not.

[Naoko]

I'd change the locks. If DP had let her in and allowed her to do this, there would be Words, probably long ones, spoken loudly, in a number of languages and none of them suitable for polite company.

It's disrespectful. Set boundaries, get your MIL to respect them, and get your husband on board with that.

[LadyRabbit]

I could live with this kind of interfering, really I could.
YANBU for resenting the intrusion.
YABVVVVUUUU not to be grateful for the free house cleaning.

[mumat39]

I would be VERY annoyed too, but secretly happy that the house was cleaner than when I'd left it.

I would be very tempted to say something like 'oh, you missed a bit!' Obv when your DH isn't around.

[diddl]

I'm torn.

My house could do with a clean.

But, if MIL came to visit & husband was at home with her, he'd be pretty pissed off if she cleaned instead of spending time with him.

As for the cooking and.

Get him to pull his bloody finger out!

[HighInterestRat]

Mine does this too. I do see it as a subtle way to undermine me but think I appreciate the free cleaning more so just let her get on with it. Although when I came home to find out she had gone into our clothes basket and taken our dirty washing down to her house to wash and dry because our tumble dryer had given up the ghost I felt that crossed a line somewhat. .