To not want to play with my children after work

[lecce]

I am really struggling at the moment with being with the dc after work. I am a teacher (f/t) and at this time of year (exam classes have gone) I can usually be home at about 4pm. The rest of the year it is about 5pm most nights. So, I currently have about 2-3 hours with them until bedtime. They are 6 & 4.

The problem is, I feel like this should be the best part of my day. I am lucky to be able to get home pretty early and I should be making the most of it but I am so tired. I get up at 5am to get work done and often (though less so at this time of year) have work to do after they have gone to bed. I just ache and I can't seem to summon any enthusiasm for any activities we could do.

Dh is sahd and when I get in they are usually watching telly, having been home for about 20 minutes. I feel I have to tell them to turn it off after the programme ends, but then I can't really be bothered to lead/suggest anything else. I fee like they should be able to amuse themselves with me taking more of a passive role. They often do, sort of, but it usually seems to descend into tears before too long. Tonight was awful - they got into a stupid row over who could use a chair and, tbh, I handled it badly, without patience and made it worse.

I feel like I should have just left the telly on - at least we wouldn't have all ended up shouting, but, had I done that, I would have felt guilty. On the nights when I am home at 5.30ish, there seems to be little time to do anything other than read with ds1, and that makes me feel guilty. On nights like tonight, I find mysef wishing I had stayed at work a bit later and that makes me feel horribly guilty and .

Why is it so hard?

[flippinada]

Working f/t with small dc is hard even when you have someone else at home to pick up the slack. And teaching is a very tough job (child of teachers over here). No wonder you're shattered !

Pay precisely no attention to married. I've worked since my DS was a baby, most of that time as a single parent and I understand its not a "who works hardest" competition.

[AThingInYourLife]

Two things strike me

1

your working hours - you are getting up at 5am, then finishing work "early", then working late in the evening

I don't mean to be harsh, but that is madness - where's your time to unwind?

It seems to me that you are using what should be your relaxing time to see your children. But that is not restful and you are leaving yourself too tired.

I think you should consider prioritising keeping yourself well enough rested during the week that you hit the weekend in fine fettle for your children.

That means staying at school to finish your work and leaving yourself free to wind down in the evenings. Also ideally get up later and get more sleep.

You are a FT working parent. That means your kids will see less if you. Own it and make the time that is available really count.


2
if you must come home early to see the kids - get outside with them.

Take them to the park, play football in the garden, run about aimlessly in the rain

4pm is the part of the day when it all starts to go a bit wrong - everyone is tired and a bit grumpy.

Fresh air and exercise really, really helps avoid it turning into squabble central

[AThingInYourLife]

"Kids telly is great, I watched tons of telly as a kid and I'm practically a genius."

:o

Love it!

[Bonsoir]

Why don't you all do something relaxing together, like having a bath?

[fromparistoberlin]

agree with Dozer, wake later. Then dop that extra hour after school and get home 5pm

easy to say though.....

but 5am, starts? I have same situation as you, but 6am baby, 5am is a KILLER


remeber most working parents dont get home till 6pm ish

[AlwaysWashing]

Doesn't matter how brilliant anyone else is or how you could/should/would cope if you we're a better person - bollocks to that and them

Sorry you've been getting such stupid comments.

I'm a SAHM and can't imagine how you F/T parents juggle it all - hats off to you.

It's pretty clear that your routine needs to change, the 5am starts need to go, replaced with a couple of late evenings.
I think it is important to remember that they're not little for long and to enjoy them as much as possible but also not try to be all things to all people when you're shattered because you'll just fail and feel crappy.

A nice snuggle up on the sofa with the telly won't do you or them any harm at all

[coppertop]

I find with my lot that 4pm - 6pm is when everyone just wants to unwind. It's the time of day when they start to get tired and cranky, and the bickering starts.

Even if a particular activity is set out for them on request, it doesn't take long for someone to end up crying or snapping. It descends into a very similar scenario to the one you describe.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You don't have to morph into Mary Poppins when you walk through the front door!

[RandomFriend]

You sound very tired, OP.

Unlike some of the posters, I have sympathy for you. Sympathy that you want the children to do something other than watch TV; and sympathy that you find it hard to be patient with other people's children all day and then go home and be patient and enthusiastic with your own.

Watching a bit of whatever they are watching might help you to unwind and to get into what they are doing. I agree about making TV into something active rather than something passive.

The idea of children entertain themselves quietly is a nice one but not so easy to achieve. You probably do have to lead the, ime.

Can you plan a couple of non-tv activities for them on one or two evenings per week, then you would feel less bad about tv on other evenings? Have them do painting (outside if you have space) or make salt dough for them to model with? Take them outside with a ball or frisby? Anything that they can enjoy with them?

And definitely work out some other routine that a 5am start for next year. That sounds really tough.

[motherinferior]

Wot A Thing and Morris said.

That part of the evening is v hard to handle with that age group.

A bath is a very good idea too

[SavoyCabbage]

When mine were that age my dh did the bedtime story and this was his quality time with them. Half an hour of time together with no distractions. I think it worked so well as he was genuinely enjoying it. He would take them to the library too so that they could choose books together. And so he could make sure there were no Mr Men which he hated...

He definitely wasn't coming home and making Dora the Explorers house out of lego on a Tuesday night. That was weekend stuff.

I think because you have the ability to finish work early, you feel guilty for doing so. And you shouldn't.

[Xmasbaby11]

It is tough trying to be super lively mummy, isn't it? DH works full time, I work full time in 4.5 days. DD (18m) is at nursery full time and one of us picks her up by 4.30 so we have a couple of hours together. We both work hard to do this and don't get up early but often bring work home in the evenings.

I don't think you should be getting up at 5am as this is unnaturally early for most people. Of course you are shattered by 5pm. Couldn't you get up at a normal time, come home a little later and finish your work when the kids are in bed? Anyway if you alternated long/short days you could have some easy TV snuggly days and some more fun activities.

Your DH is at home with them all the time and you have frequent holidays which presumably you spend with the DC. I actually think your DC have a pretty good time of it. As others have pointed out, most working parents don't have those holidays. I'm not having a go at teachers, just stating a fact.

[WilsonFrickett]

What Savoy said. My DH still sits in the bathroom and chats to DS7 when he's having his bath - that's 'their' time. He's never really been one for coming home from work and being fun, engaged daddy - that's for the weekend, when he does loads of creative, interesting things with him.

And tbf, since DS started school, it's park, home, snack, homework, TV, tea, snuggle on couch with us maybe watching something we all like for half an hour, then bath and bed - he's not up for a big active evening either.

[mrsjay]

let them watch tv it is ok one of them is at school so they need to relax too don't stress and dont read teacher bashing @ that , keeo your time for the weekends I honestly think slobbing in front of the tv and spending time with your chldren is much more worthwhile than trying to do fun things with them when you can't find the enthusiasm for it try and relax

[Phineyj]

How about get some decent kids' DVDs in - BBC and so on and watch those. My nieces (about the same age as your DC) love all those old things like the Flumps. I second the advice to get outside when the weather's good too. School is an artificial atmosphere and you don't get a lot of fresh air. I would be dying by that time if I'd got up at 5am and taught all day.

Your kids will not care what you did between 4 and 6 pm when they were little but they might remember if you were always grumpy, so give yourself a break and do whatever's easiest. Also as an average over the year they get more time with you than most DC of ft working parents so no need to beat yourself up.

Depends how much mess they'd make, but is it possible to have a craft table set up so they can make stuff with minimal supervision? This works for my nieces.

[mrsjay]

seems to be little time to do anything other than read with ds1, and that makes me feel guilty. On nights like tonight, I find mysef wishing I had stayed at work a bit later and that makes me feel horribly guilty

most parents are not doing anything in the evening with their Dc honestly give yourself a break you sound tired and very sad

[orangeandemons]

My HIV used to call all time after 4:30 until kids are asleep the Witching Hours, as everyone was tired and hungry. She said it was always the worst time of day from her experience with families.

Morriszap, I like your style....

[AThingInYourLife]

"The problem is, I feel like this should be the best part of my day."

The only way 4-6pm can be the best part of your day is if you can go for a nice relaxing pint, then sneak in another. Then call some friends to join you. Then get some food before you all get too drunk.

If you have to spend it with children, it's the worst part of the day.

[theodorakisses]

I am so over the "tv is evil" crap, it is so sad. There are tvs everywhere here, even an outdoor one by the pool. Who cares? As long as everyone is happy and content, so be it. Mind you I have a nice car and live in help as well so not really an average person on this forum

[motherinferior]

Darling, the thing is that most parents are desperately getting through to the bit of the evening where they can crack open the gin wine.

The other thing is that I really don't think you get fathers beating themselves up to carve chunks of time out of the day where they can be with their kids before resuming work. It's usually mothers stretching themselves incredibly thin because of feeling that if they can be physically present with their kids they should be. I reckon you should get up at a sane hour, stay on at work to finish what you can and then come home. At which point (a) you will be far more able to manage a smile, even if it's a bit forced (b) it will be closer to gin time, which will in any case help with (a) above.

[motherinferior]

Or Wot A Thing Said, again

[perpetuallypuzzled]

Youi cannot force enjoyment. You will all end up pissed off and crotchety.Just focus on weekends

[persimmon]

Are you me?

I chat with my DS after work, he watches a bit of TV, I take him to bed, we read a story and chat and then lights out. What else are you meant to do? He knows I love him and value his company;; we don't need to be making Lego Taj Mahals in the working week.

relax! (literally!)

[piprabbit]

I have been known to lay on the floor and nap while DS drives his cars up and down my body (I make a good mountain range) .

On a more positive note I've found that my DCs enjoy doing activities alongside me. So we sit at the kitchen table and we all have a colouring book/ bit of paper and we all sit and draw and colour. I find that the fact I'm sitting there doing the same activity as them means that they stop fighting for my attention and I can enjoy a coffee or glass of wine while I colour. It gives me 20 mins of stillness while I gather myself. I find the colouring quite therapeutic (plasticine too - but it's a bit more of a PITA to clean up afterwards) and we just chat about what we are colouring (and I can say stuff about how nicely they are colouring, what good colours they have picked etc.) and talk about our day. We all seem calmer for it as the sibling fighting for mummy to play is vastly reduced.

[NicknameTaken]

I think it's a recent thing to expect to be Super Fun Mummy the minute you walk in the door. Previous generations didn't put that kind of stress on themselves.

Personally I'm fine with some post-school watching TV and having a cuddle. Sometimes we'll be more ambitious and do a board game or jigsaw - dd is currently obsessed with "Guess Who". But by not doing it every day, you're keeping it special....

[fairyqueen]

May I suggest DVDs of serials you enjoyed as a child? A long story Makes it exciting looking forward to next episode rather than yet another Peppa Pig. I loved the old BBC version of the secret garden and enjoyed it with DD. Cosying up on the sofa together is not wasted time, it's happy, loving time.