Mumsnet Logo
My feed

to access all these features


to not want to compromise this much?

21 replies

Sleeplesssister · 12/06/2013 20:56

Does anyone ever get sick of the amount of compromising you have to do in a relationship? Do you ever just want to let rip and do things your way?

DH and I have been married 6 years, together for 10 years, have two DC aged 3 and 1. I am a SAHM. I look around our home and realise that everything I do is a compromise. He hates my style of decorating, calls it wierd, so we do it his way. He hates eating dinner early, so we eat late. He does not like my friends much, so I am increasingly seeing them on my own when we get invited to family events. All not major things I know but met up with an old friend a few weeks ago and realised that what with the constant compromise we seem to make I feel like i'm losing the old me, the pre-kids, pre-marriage me. Does the constant compromising get anyone else down? I feel like I cant even go out and buy a sodding mirror for our downstairs loo without getting committee approval for my choice. Petty I know but it gets to me.

OP posts:

LeaveTheBastid · 12/06/2013 20:59

What compromises has he made in the relationship?


yaimee · 12/06/2013 21:02

Agree with leave
Those aren't compromises, they're just example of him getting his own way. It's only a compromise if both people sacrifice or change things a little bit.


Sleeplesssister · 12/06/2013 21:04

Good question. Umm, he would probably say that he makes a big compromise for our DC by going out to work, he works long hours in a job he does not like much for us, I used to do a similar job but we decided we wanted one of us to stay home and look after the DC. But on a day to day basis, I'm not sure he does much compromising...

OP posts:

NomNomDePlum · 12/06/2013 21:04

erm, that doesn't sound like compromising, that sounds like doing everything his way. buy a mirror if you want, it's your home too. but i'd be thinking about going back to work if i were you, in case all this 'compromising' gets too much to bear.


LeaveTheBastid · 12/06/2013 21:06

That isn't a compromise by him, it's called being a bloody adult and parent and doing what you need to do to support your family.

Do you ever challenge him when he stamps his feet to get his own way?


DryCounty79 · 12/06/2013 21:09

Doesn't sound like you're compromising, sounds like he's getting his own way.
A compromise would be meeting halfway - dinner earlier than he prefers but later than you'd choose, having a bit of your 'weird' taste come through on the decorating, both of you occasionally putting up with each other's friends that you dislike.
You both need to work out something you're both ok with, not just have one person give in to the other.
I apologize if you both truly do compromise in other areas.


Speedos · 12/06/2013 21:09

I don't have the decorating issue but my DH has similar moans about working and me being at home. He also was never interested in my friends, so much so that one of my best friends he has only met about 6 times in 12 years.

I think men only get worse as they get older and each of us needs to decide when enough is enough.


marriedinwhiteagain · 12/06/2013 21:10

I'm always on here banging on about compromise and getting flamed. 23 years on and over the years I have compromised over:

His footall and cricket
His working hours - long
Feeling like a single parent
Letting him be anal about recycling
Ditto about countin pennies
Going on holiday to the same places because he's comfortable there

He has compromised over:
My untidiness
My control freakery
Having an au-pair coz I went back to work and started at the bottom again.
My cats.

He wouldn( dream of commenting about decor, etc, but then he doesn't really care.

He doesn't like some of my friends but it doesn't bother me - I just see them on my own.

After so many years I think even the differences meld together tbh.


Sleeplesssister · 12/06/2013 21:14

Yes I do, I didnt use to but recently frankly I've got fed up. I think me giving up work made it worse, we used to both have our own little worlds at work, then i stopped, and now i feel a bit like a child who is living at home with her parents again. When i challenge him it always ends in a blazing row, and there is only so much stony silence a girl can deal with.

OP posts:

foreverondiet · 12/06/2013 21:15

Going out to work is not a compromise unless you both wanted to be the sahp! I think you need to discuss - that he is always getting his own way and needs to be about compromise eg bathroom mirror - you should be able to take photos of 2 possibilities and send it to him to choose one. Re: eating - need to discuss and have some early and some late. I think he is walking all over you. What is your design style that he thinks is wierd? Post example?


marriedinwhiteagain · 12/06/2013 21:16

I should add that when we went on holiday in a lovely place we all fell in love with I compromised and let him buy the house because he loved it so much even if it meant same old year in year out. [winK]. But, I would like to go somewhere else sometimes.


Sleeplesssister · 12/06/2013 21:28

i think he is walking all over me. I dont really know why I let it happen, I'm pretty strong willed myself but I hate conflict at home (used to quite happily argue at work non-stop as a former lawyer), and as I back down much easier than he does that is what has tended to happen. Dangerous really because suddenly you turn around and dont recognise yourself. I take the point about a certain amount of compromise being inevitable, my tastes arent crazy though, I mean I;m talking an ercol table from john lewis or a soft grey shade from farrow and ball for our living room. Dumb stuff but when you are home 24/7 these things start to get to you.

OP posts:

marriedinwhiteagain · 12/06/2013 21:44

Re dinner - when the DC were small and DH came home late I used to eat with the DC; plate up DH's and sit and share a glass of wine with him when he got home - often after 9. At weekends we used to and still eat at 6. DH and I woukd like to eat later but the dC are older teenagers now and need to eat early to be ready to go out. We now compromise together to suit the teenagers Sad - never thought we'd do that.


Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/06/2013 21:50

married what would happen if you just booked a holiday to somewhere different?

OP - you need to assert yourself. It has nothing to do with being a SAHM, I am one and I don't compromise to anything like the extent that you do.
In fact I'm not sure I do compromise, not on anything important. I wonder whether DH does, let me ask him!


SeratoninIsMyFriend · 12/06/2013 21:51

Hmmm - I am in a slightly similar situation, quite relieved to know I'm not the only one. Married 5 years, two children, only together for 21 months before marriage and hadn't lived together, or even in same town!

I have decided (after much reading of relationships board and agonising) that he is not the devil incarnate and I am not leaving, but we have had some lows recently as stresses of life take effect. He is a bit controlling, but it's generally and not just with me. I think it is both a personality trait and a coping mechanism. It doesn't help that I am a bit lazy and a bit disorganised, while he is super organised and can't rest until Jobs have been Done. I have started to just do things that I'd begun to avoid in case he moaned or commented, and been surprised that he hasn't - think I'd started making it out to be worse in my head. I don't have any answers but I suppose I have decided that as faults go, it is manageable and not going to seriously impact on my life as long as I don't let it: if I felt it was then that would be a very different thing. The compromise thing is hard to negotiate, I have also realised that sometimes I get my own way too!

I agree that I back down and avoid conflict far too much, and have resolved not to. Recently stuck to my guns and he ended up apologising for the way he'd spoken to me. He is brilliant in many ways and we are having to learn how marriage works amidst a lot of stress so I am allowing us some breaks as long as progress is made in the long run.

I'm sure lots of people would urge me to be less fluffy but I thought I'd share my own thoughts in case it helps, if only to know you're not the only one!


HollyBerryBush · 12/06/2013 21:56

Life is a compromise an I so hate to hark back to traditional values but both FIL and DF were advocates of 'if my wife is happy, I am happy' - Dh wouldn't even dream of looking at a piece of furniture of colour chart - the home is my prerogative.

Personally I hate eating late - but I would never dish up a microwaved or oven kept warm plate to Dh - he works long hours and deserves to be fed decently.

I am antisocial - I have to be dragged out - I cheerfully pack him off to the pub on a Friday night.

This works for us.

I have compromised on: sky sports. Why? just why would anyone want to watch womens cricket? Or darts? Or world chess championships.

He has compromised on absolutely anything I want to do.

What you currently have Op is an attack of the 'I used to have a life/career/be a person" my advice? sort out your finances get back to work, get your identity back


emsyj · 12/06/2013 22:05

What does your DH compromise on/put up with from you? I loathe the fact that my DH is very untidy and doesn't tidy up or ever do any cleaning - but in fairness to him, he never has a lie in (he is up as soon as the DCs are up every single day - he's had 2 lie-ins, neither of them later than 8.30am, since DD1 was born over 3 years ago), I go out socially a lot more than him and leave him at home with charge of the children every weekend and he never complains, he very rarely spends money on himself, he gave up his beloved horse riding when DD2 was born because it took up too much time that he felt he should be spending helping me with the children... So yes, I do compromise by doing all the cleaning/laundry and being in charge of making sure we have food, toilet rolls, clean clothes etc etc etc but he is fairly constrained too in other ways.

It is worse IMO that you don't seem to be able to communicate with each other and have a conversation/discussion about stuff that's upsetting/annoying you without it ending in stony silence. That's a shitty way to live. My DMum is Queen of Sulks and it made my childhood miserable. I couldn't live like that.


ImperialBlether · 12/06/2013 22:14

OP, there's a massive difference between normal compromise and being bullied. It seems to me he's bullying you. Do you think he's lost respect for you since you've stopped work? Does he think as he makes big decisions all day he can make them at home?


marriedinwhiteagain · 12/06/2013 22:16

alibaba if we made more on an August rental than we spent he'd be over the moon - even if we didn't he'd suck it up nowadays. The DC however who are already skyping and planning with holiday mates from all over Europe would be livid because this is what we do.

If I fancy a change nowadays I can book it with a girlfriend or three - and Spain a few weeks ago was just divine .....and they coped and realised how much mum does !


pigsDOfly · 12/06/2013 22:45

Your DH sounds rather like my exh Sleepless. I made so many 'compromises' over the years that I almost ended up compromising my own personality out of existence. Everything was done in his interest. Basically his life didn't change at all even after the children were born. All child care was my responsibility and he still continue to play all his sports and go out several evenings a week.

You're not being treated as an equal OP. It's not petty. It surprising how these situations creep up on you. You need to make a stand before you become more and more resentful and unhappy.


Irishchic · 12/06/2013 22:58

This is a tough one, one persons compromise is another person's cave-in. There are couples i know where one of the couple seems to compromise so much i dont know how they arent driven mad, but it seems to work for them, and other couples where one person seems to have it all their own way, but they still seem happy. Everyone is different and has to find their own compromise tolerance level - if you feel unhappy/taken for granted/disatisfied then the likelihood is that you have given too much and are not getting enough back in return, there is a lack of balance there.

I dont think the answer is necessarily to go back to work, because that may just result in you increasing your workload with no reciprocation from dh to redress the imbalance.

Some tough honest talking is needed, you will have to sit dh down and state your case, calmly and reasonably. If he is basically a reasonable person he will realise he needs to meet you half way.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?