to be hurt and feel like SHIT ( --fucking-- --pissing-- facebook related)

[MoodyDidIt]

the other day invited my good friend (well thought she was anyway) and her dh and dcs for a bbq this evening

she said she would let me know as she was going out friday and saturday night, so, fair enough

but for one, she hasn't even bothered to let me know

and for 2, she has tagged herself at ANOTHER friends house "having a bbq and a few drinks with good friends"

obviously got a better offer then. ouch. really gutted

really upset

[AitchTwoOhOneTwo]

oh sure, but the broad gist of the thread has been LTB, though, which just seems rather extreme under the circs, and a there's a good deal of sympathy coming from people who have experienced similar hurts. Which is nice, but it's possible that these are not the best people to take advice from. If you want to make friends, find out what people with lots of friends do, that sort of thing.
(I realise that this doesn't nec apply to Moody, because one of the things that people with lots of friends do is invite people round, and that didn't work out this time. But there may be a perfectly good explanation, and it's a conversation i'd definitely want to have rather than unfriending or even worse, ditching that person).

[adverbial]

Hide her on Facebook, I think that is possible, or remove her and perhaps break or reduce contact.

[ItsallisnowaFeegle]

Thanks for clarifying.

All advice and opinion offered to the OP has been offered, not forced.

I personally think the 'friend' sounds like an ill-mannered fuck, at the very least. And if any of my long time friends treated me in such a manner, then they also probably know I'd think that of them.

I agree that 'returning the favour' by being unnecessarily public about my feelings would be something to avoid; I'd still be livid and would be avoiding inviting her to any future gatherings I planned.

[prissyenglisharriviste]

If I'd invited someone to a BBQ, and they'd hummed and hawed and said they'd let me know because they were already out two nights in a row, I'd have assumed they weren't coming at all, tbh.

I don't think I would have been expecting them to let me know at all, unless I called them back up and asked if they had made their mind up about the BBQ...

I would have assumed that the 'I'll let you know"' was code for ' shit, I'm already busy, but I don't want to turn you down flat because I know you are having a really shitty time at the mo'. So letting me down gently.

Sorry you re having a crap time, moody, and sorry about your mc. I don't think I'd be too concerned about your friend though - I think she probably assumed you knew she wasn't coming, and probably updated her status unthinkingly after a glass of vino, as she didn't realise you would be upset about her carrying out a prior engagement.

[scottishmummy]

IMO,don't do owt visible like defriend,too provocative
just bide your time see how it goes
do prioritise your wellbeing after mc

[Val007]

I think you need to grow up. Best friends blah-blah. This only exists in school. In real life, when you have a job and a family and time is so scarce, noone owes you an explanation as to how they choose to spend it. Get a life and stop relying on someone else to make your day fun. Maybe then they will choose to spend their time with you. See my point?

[ItsallisnowaFeegle]

Really Val ?

thank fuck you're not my friend

[DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper]

The thread has moved on somewhat, but poorpaws I really think you were massively out of line with your Wednesday friend. I would have been if I'd received your text.

That rule stands under normal circumstances, but if you have a weekly get-together, surely there are going to be occasions when one or other of you might have another priority?

[DontmindifIdo]

OP - I would avoid any nasty comments back or saying anything about it, you don't need to. I would hide her on facebook (or I think there's a "see less about" setting if you click next to her name). You do'nt need to do dramatics, and quite frankly it sounds like you've got enough going on as it is, just step back. I wouldn't offer her any more invites for hte time being.

It's a pity you have been friends for so long, but some people are just rude and there's a point when you have to say enough and avoid letting them have things on their terms. If she values your friendship, she'll notice it's been a while and ask you to do something.

[Fairygen]

I certainly wouldn't even acknowledge the other BBQ on fb. This could turn into a public row- not very classy. I have to agree with a lot of what prissy has posted. If your plans hadn't been officially arranged, she probably didn't realise you were expecting her.

Either that or she's a total bitch, who got a better offer, and then rubbed your nose in it.

I think a quick call from her ,to say that although you'd talked about maybe doing something, she had other plans, would have been polite.

Sorry you've been having such a rubbish time recently.

[MoodyDidIt]

agree it would look needy and possessive if i contacted her about it - i am definitely not going to do that, and i am not going to unfriend or write anything P/A on fb. i just wanted to vent really and here is the best place.

also yeah she knows about the twins i lost so she is aware of how i am feeling right now

and also i absolutely do not have a problem with her going to another bbq - but it would have been nice if she had text me. and fb is "real time" so it would have been last night she was at the other bbq.

she and her friendship means an awful lot to me, we have so much history. it hurts that perhaps i don't mean as much to her.

but anyway, thanks everyone, some good advice and lovely posts, wish you were my RL friends x

[AitchTwoOhOneTwo]

it is only 'perhaps', though, at the moment, i do hope this is just a strange blip and she'll show herself to be a good pal. once again, so very sorry to hear about your twins, it's absolutely shattering. Take care of yourself.

[Nehru]

this is why a best friend is a cack idea

[Sallyingforth]

Why do people constantly need to post what they are doing every minute of the day? What's the point? Who is interested? It's just so bloody stupid.

[BegoniaBampot]

I upload old photos to FB. Might have been pics from a previous BBQ or could have been an unplanned last minute thing with a neighbour. If you value the friendship maybe just mention it to her or send her a text saying you thought she would get back to you and give her the chance to explain before you possibly write off a 22 yr friendship.

[TapDancingPimp]

I have two things to say and neither may be very helpful, but here goes!

I got myself very upset and worked up last month on Facebook when two of my closest friends 'checked in' having cocktails in town. I sat at home thinking 'well thanks for the invite, you bastards!'. Turns out this had been planned months ago, I HAD been invited at the time but had turned it down....point being sometimes things aren't always what they seem.

Secondly, I do have a very similar friend myself, OP, we've been friends for years....she seems to be busy when I ask her if she wants to make plans yet is constantly available to everyone else. I was recently at counselling and the counsellor told me that friendships aren't always forever.....some run their course and maybe this particular friendship had run its course etc.

I do feel for you, it hurts a lot especially when you're feeling so vulnerable.

Maybe focus on some of your other friendships? That's what I'm trying to do at the minute and it seems to be working.

[pictish]

I had a similar thing happen to me last year; A friend was supposed to be coming over to my house as she did every Wednesday and I rang her to check she was coming. She said she was coming but so-and-so had asked her to go to their house so she'd come to me later on in the week. I sat and thought about it and then text her telling her not to bother coming as she might again get a better offer and that where I come from you go with the first offer. I didn't get a reply to the text but I haven't seen her since which I feel really sad about BUT I still think I was right.

Poorpaws....I once had a pal that wanted to meet up every single Wednesday actually...and would take the huff if I had something else on, and wanted to cancel or reschedule.
Cloying as fuck.

[pictish]

In the OP's circumstances though...I too would feel hurt.

[racmun]

I feel for you OP.
I got so fed up with seeking things on Facebook that upset or not having my photo's of my ds commented on by a particular group of so called 'friends' when they were busy commenting on others that I came off the whole bloody thing. Best day ever !!!

You don't need to be having a good day only to have in ruined. It won't change how unthoughtful some people are but at least you don't need to have your face rubbed in it.


Some may say it means you're needy if you get upset by such things but if you do you do you can't change the way you feel.

This worked for me as I don't have distant friends and family to keep in touch with but I'm sure there are other means.....

If not you could 'de friend' but that can be awkward. The particular people I got upset with I am civil to if I bump into them but no more than that , De friending could have made things tricky.

[Standautocorrected]

I had a very similar experience with a long standing friend (30 years+) after we had been to stay with her. Along with Facebook comments there were snide remarks every so often when we were there.
I realised she cared very little about me and my family.
It really hurt at the time and our friendship has now fizzled out. I felt really sad about it but I do not have to see her. I put a lot of effort into our friendship and decided to step right back after the comments and behaviour I'd witnessed. Looking back over the years, I can see that I put in about 80% of the effort with 20% coming from her.
I know how you feel op and I'm really sorry about your twins.

[samuelwhiskers]

OP - tbh I think this happens quite a lot with friendships. You sound a very considerate friend and she is mad to be treating you this way, but it is her loss. I agree that friendships can run their course too, as we age we have other priorities. I had an appalling holiday with an old best school friend who was making catty remarks behind my back, she never knew I heard them but after 8 years we are still in touch but have never seen each other.

I don't think you should unfriend her or do anything tbh. Just don't contact her for a while or let her make the first move. I think FB can be a nightmare at times, you never get the full story. It is odd that she made an update in the middle of her bbq, why would she do that, she is supposed to be busy enjoying herself.

[samuelwhiskers]

and I am really sorry about your twins too.

[crazeelaydee]

ahh the wonderful world of facebook!, you would not believe the amount of times I have sat back and listened to upset family/friends and FB is nearly always the cause.

I am on there purely to keep in touch with friends who live far off. I too have sat and read conversations between 2 friends and later found out they were both sat in the same room! which makes me LOL TBH! IMO it can't of been a very good BBQ if she had to get on facebook while there, I certainly know if I am busy enjoying myself the last thing I would want to do is stop and spend the next 10 minutes staring at my phone. My sister tends to do that and I find it really ignorant...most of the time it's because she is a) trying to prove a point to someone or b) to get at someone who has recently upset her. I would go as far as to say I would only do it if I was extremely bored .

Just let it go, as up setting as it may be for you, FB really isn't worth getting upset about.