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AIBU?

The third DC - the marriage wrecker??

93 replies

TheCountessOlenska · 18/05/2013 20:42

Someone I know was saying that she reckons that when the third child comes along is when the husband goes bonkers and runs off with his secretary. She said she knows loads of couples this has happened to (I know of two of them myself to be fair)

So, surely this isn't true of the general population??

OP posts:

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amazingmumof6 · 19/05/2013 23:46

never heard of this.

my dad ran off with his secretary after 25 years of marriage though.shocking.
I was 25, my sister was 23.

As for us, after 6 kids we are still very happy. DH works long hours, I'm very busy with kids and home and we are both quite tired generally, so we joked once that it would be impressive if either of us had energy for an affair!

sorry to hear about some of your stories.

Joiningthegang · 19/05/2013 23:13

3 was almost the end of us - he was a "surprise"

3 is v stressful - love him to bits but most days wish we had 2

fluffypillow · 19/05/2013 22:03

We have 3, and we are still together, and always will be (wouldn't have had any children if I didn't believe that )

Our third is a Girl, after two boys, and so she completed our family.

AmberSocks · 19/05/2013 21:57

Yes maybe. :-)

threesypeesy · 19/05/2013 21:54

We've got 3 dds and tbh if you're relationship is going to break down it will I don't see how a third baby will be the deciding factor in it. Our 3rd made our family complete and we made sure that we could financially afford the same lifestyle before having her so there was no financial difficulties.

I don't see 3 being a large family either and have never found taking 3 on days out etc any more difficult than 2, I don't tjink 3 is anymore stressful either organisation is your friend with 3!

Molehillmountain · 19/05/2013 21:44

So, amber, is it a bit like me thinking one is easy because I have three?

AmberSocks · 19/05/2013 21:30

Mole-i have 5.

Molehillmountain · 19/05/2013 20:57

Amber socks-genuinely interested-do you have three? It does come down to more than numbers, obviously, but when we had two, it was am easier job to "divide and conquer" in that if dh took dd out to give me a rest when ds slept, it was one to one time with her. If he does that now, he's still managing the dynamic between two small people. So it's more full on. Our challenge is really that dd2 has been a shocking sleeper and remains so and that adds severe sleep deprivation into the mix.
I'm not saying it'll wreck our marriage, far from it but I can tell you that, after a honeymoon period where dd slept well, this has been so, so challenging.

hazeyjane · 19/05/2013 20:11

i dont see how 3 is different to 2?people make such a fuss,its only 3 fgs.

That depends on quite a few different circumstance though, doesn't it!

tumbletumble · 19/05/2013 15:05

DH and I have 3 close in age, and for us the toughest time in our marriage was just after the birth of DC2. We were suffering from all the common cliches of not having enough quality time together, not communicating well, sex life deteriorating etc. We both put some effort into improving our marriage, and things have been great since then, even though DC3 was a much harder baby than DC2.

ComposHat · 19/05/2013 14:53

I was talking about a third child conceived in specific circumstances (often with a big cap between the second and tbird child) I know several cases where people have had a third to try and plaster over tough times in their relationship or after they've reconciled. In my experience the so calles sticking plaster baby never has the desied effect.

Whether the marriages break up because of the pressure of a extra child or would have failed anyway, I don't know.

noddyholder · 19/05/2013 14:51

Apparently it is but I know lots of families with 3 and they are fine! I have never encountered it myself. A child cannot break a relationship unless it is fairly shaky to start with.

AmberSocks · 19/05/2013 14:48

i dont see how 3 is different to 2?people make such a fuss,its only 3 fgs.

ComposHat · 19/05/2013 14:43

I have heard 3rd children referred to as glue babies. . In that couples on the rocks decide on a 3rd to make it so i guess in that situation they are more likely to break it

I know a few friends who are the youngest of three and their parents had them to 'bring them closer together' after a rough patch.

In none of these cases did it work and the marriages broke down.

TheBigJessie · 19/05/2013 14:19

Wow, what a huge effect on several lives that tarot reader had...

LucieLucie · 19/05/2013 12:40

janey68 I think you have it spot on!

janey68 · 19/05/2013 12:02

Wow that's a fairly extreme example lucie! But then I guess if you're going to base having a child on tarot readings ...

I think what this thread shows is that having children is HARD WORK full stop. So unless both parents are truly invested in it, it's likely to be the straw that breaks the proverbial. The issue of 3 children is maybe because society's default seems to be two, so to go beyond that you certainly need to have both partners fully on board. The couples I was describing, the dads certainly love their 3rd children dearly (I'm sure in 99% of cases parents love however many they have ) but I'm aware that the driving force behind having a final fling at the baby thing was the woman in each case, and I suspect that's fairly common because women tend to have more of a natural broodiness which sometimes kicks in as the youngest child grows up. I suspect the dads were willing to go for a 3rd but would have been equally happy to stop at 2, and that situation is unsurprisingly going to put pressure on a marriage, especially when baby number 3 gets a bit older and costs more, and there is more of a mismatch of interests, lifestyle etc between older and youngest child

LucieLucie · 19/05/2013 11:52

Yes it is IMO. We had friends who had 2 boisterous boys aged 6 & 4 and the dh wanted no more. Ds's were a handful as it was and the dh worked shifts.
The wife always wanted a dd and went to a tarot reader who told her she was going to have a dd next and described what she was going to look like.
This made the wife adamant they should have a 3rd dc as it would be a girl so she pushed and pushed her dh til he reluctantly agreed.

They had a boy.
The dh ended up leaving his wife and kids when the youngest was 1 he went away with a girl at work ...10 years younger.
I don't know anyone else with 3.

cory · 19/05/2013 11:39

Also running through the couples I know with 3 or more- or still together. The real marriage wrecker ime is the midlife crisis. So if you could find some way of preventing men in particular from reaching their mid-forties, that might have more of an effect.

jojane · 19/05/2013 11:20

We have 3 and quote close together (6,4 and 2) it has been hard and we have had a couple of rough patches but we seem to be coming out the other side now ds2 is no longer a baby. Financially we are gradually getting better off. Most of my friends have 2 and it just 'seems' easier for them. I just seem to be chasing my tail all the time, house is always a mess, never get to the bottom of the washing basket etc!! Saying that ds1 is being assessed for aspergers and has only just gained control of his bladder so a lot of stress and worry would have been around whether we had 1 or 3 kids.

CissyMeldrum · 19/05/2013 10:12

Forgot to say my husband is great.

janey68 · 19/05/2013 10:12

Well, obviously it's far too simplistic to say that if you have 3 children you're at risk of hubby running off with his secretary and if you stick at none, one or two you'll be fine!!

BUT.. I think some of the posts above indicate how having a 3rd child could highlight particular stresses such as finance or space, it might limit some of the activities previously enjoyed etc which in turn is going to put pressure on a marriage.

I also know a couple of people who had a 3rd child after a big gap, and while both the couples are still together, I do know they've had a tough time of it. My take on that is that although the husbands went along with the idea of 3, in both cases it was the woman who was really driving the idea (older 2 kids in school and mum wanting a final 'bonus' baby) so I suspect those are the reasons behind it being an extra pressure. I know plenty of other families with 3 (or 4) children close together and although their lives are hectic, they seem to just get on with it.

So it's not the fact of having 3 kids, so much as the reasons behind having the 3rd

(Btw I don't like the term 'bonus baby' but I've heard it referred to that when a mum has a last one after a long gap out of her desire to do the whole baby thing again!)

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CissyMeldrum · 19/05/2013 10:10

I have 3,3rd not planned,my eldest has SN but you cope....love is love isn't it

wineoclocktimeyet · 19/05/2013 09:33

I'd never made the connection before, but the 2 friends whose husbands have decided its too much hard work being a husband and a father, both have 3 children!

That said, I also have friends with 3 who ae still together

peteypiranha · 19/05/2013 09:29

I suppose it depends holly if you want to keep working then its much better having larger gaps.

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