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AIBU?

To want to go to my Sisters' party?

79 replies

LaraCroftInDisguise · 16/05/2013 10:01

This might be a bit long so I apologise in advance.

Two of my sisters have big birthdays coming up. They will be 21 and 30. So they are having a joint party to celebrate.

My family live 100 miles away from me, so I don't see them that often. In fact the last time I was with my mum and all my sisters at the same time was about 3 years ago.

The problem is that DP's DF died last year and the party will be at around the time of his birthday and death. It would have been his birthday at the beginning of July and the anniversary of his death is towards the end of August. This party is happening at the end of July. So somewhere in the middle. (The party was booked before he died.)

I know this is going to be a very sad and difficult time for DP (as it will be for me too, but obviously not on the same level) and I want to be there to support him. But I also miss my own family and would like to celebrate a big occasion for both of my sisters.

I would love DP to come as well but I have never put any pressure on him to do so. Last night I was talking to my Mum and the party was mentioned. DP went in a massive strop with me and said he won't be going. And if I insist on going and blowing money on it then he is going to blow money and take himself to Europe for the weekend and celebrate his DF's life that way. He didn't talk to me all night and barely said goodbye this morning when he left for work.

I really don't know what to do for the best. What do you think, am I being completely selfish and should I not go to the party?

I welcome all your opinions but please don't flame me.

OP posts:

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Pigsmummy · 16/05/2013 11:37

Take the decision away from your DH. Tell him that you are going and fund this yourself. Its hardly "blowing money" if he is considering a trip to Europe which would cost hundreds of pounds.

You are only 100 miles away, depending what car you drive that's less than £15 on petrol (based on a petrol car doing less than 20mpg with fuel at £1.33 pg). Will you stop with relatives? If so then stop one night and return home the next day? If you need to stay in a hotel pre book to save money.

If you don't drive then pre book the train/bus ticket in advance to save money. (My parents recently paid £8.50 to travel from Chester to London by booking in advance.)

He is (understandably) emotional currently and probably not thinking that rationally, don't put pressure on him to go but don't let him stop you. This party isn't about his DF. Ask your husband what he wants to do to mark the anniversary, show you care about it.

As an aside 100 miles isn't that far, if you want to see your family more frequently then make it happen.

Musicaltheatremum · 16/05/2013 11:43

I lost my husband in march 2012. He was 50. For the anniversary I took two days off work, my daughter came home and we had a spa day. We have had my fathers 80th my sons 18th and other celebrations in that time. It is deeply sad and yes acknowledge the day but things have to move forward. My father in law died the day after our 3 rd wedding anniversary. My mother in law after about 10 years suddenly stopped sending us anniversary cards as it was "too sad" I know he wouldn't have wanted that. That always hurt me especially as she knew that my husband would die young. We missed our 25 th anniversary by 100 days. I took my friends out for it and had a lovely evening.

LaraCroftInDisguise · 16/05/2013 11:45

I do drive, it normally costs around £40 for the round trip. And I'll be staying at my DM's so no extra cost there. The only other cost will be drinks but, like I said, that shouldn't amount to much.

It's interesting to see how many of you think that he is trying to use his DF's death to control me. I had not thought about it that way.

OP posts:

justmeunderanothername · 16/05/2013 11:48

Sounds to me like he wants to go on a jolly to Europe without you and is using his father's death as a way to get away with it.

Why not tell him that you think a family trip to Europe sounds wonderful and you can't wait and does he want you to start looking for some nice places to stay?

WilsonFrickett · 16/05/2013 12:22

To be absolutely fair to your DP, it is possible that he is building himself up to the anniversary and thinks it will be something it isn't. As in, he's emotionally thinking the anniversary is a big 'event' and he is winding himself up to a fever pitch about it. Grief isn't always rational.

I still think you should go to the party though.

DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 16/05/2013 12:29

I lost my parents just before Christmas when I was quite young, I had a little sister so christmas still went ahead that year and every year since. I always think about them on the day, but I think about them every day. The actual day of their deaths is nothing special really, if that makes sense, I dont go and sit in a darkened room or anything, I might re-visit the day a little but I allow the day to go ahead with laughter and smiles, as my parents would have wanted.

So, I`m afraid your DH is being rather dramatic and controlling to strop over this and as I see it, unkind to try and emotionally blackmail you into not going to your Dsiss party.

My clever Mum told me many years ago that the best way to honour the dead is to live your life to the full, wise words!

LaraCroftInDisguise · 16/05/2013 12:36

Thanks Wilson. I always knew this was going to be a difficult time for him but, like others have pointed out, I didn't expect him to want to mourn for almost 2 months. I know grief isn't a rational thing and thought I might not be seeing something that he is. That's why I came he to get a third party view on the situation.

Now I have to figure out a way to get him to talk rationally to me about it.

OP posts:

BlackAffronted · 16/05/2013 12:45

Your DH is a bit extreme. We got married exactly a year after my MIL died, all the family came & celebrated with us. There was sadness of course, we spoke about her lots during the day & had a few drinks in her honour.

Jan49 · 16/05/2013 13:08

Did he actually say that he doesn't want you to go because of the anniversary of his dad's death? I'm just trying to picture someone saying "You can't possibly want to us to go to a party a month after the first anniversary of my dad's death" and it sounds weird.

It sounds like he doesn't want to go or doesn't want you to go or is worried about the money. Nothing to do with his dad's death.

LokiTheCynicalCat · 16/05/2013 13:13

Could you try and tell him gently that if his loss has taught you anything it's that life is too short, and you need to take all the opportunities you can to spend time with the people you love. That you miss your family and want to spend this time with them, because you never know what might happen before the next large family gathering. But you will understand if his grief is too recent to be allow you both to spend time with them with good grace.

LokiTheCynicalCat · 16/05/2013 13:14

Pressed send too soon...

...so you will go alone with DS.

Branleuse · 16/05/2013 13:15

id stay with my dh on the anniversary of his fathers death tbh, although not keen on the strop about it. I think the 1st anniversary is the hardest.

pooka · 16/05/2013 13:19

ONly read OP.

Your DH is being a twat. Of course it is sad that his father died and he has every right to remember him himself when his birthday/date of death approaches.

But to suggest that you do not celebrate your sisters' birthdays with your family a month after the birthday and a month before the death day is selfish and dog-in-the-manger-y. So that's a whole two months *and then June as the lead-up) that are out?

Wishiwasanheiress · 16/05/2013 13:19

Are you dating a two year old? His reaction seems a bit ott.....

Inertia · 16/05/2013 13:22

It's very sad that your partner's father died, and understandable that he's still grieving. However, it's really not fair of him to expect you to cut your self off from your own family for two months, a year after the death.

I would probably suggest that you do something on the weekend of his Dad's birthday at the beginning of July (e.g. a visit to DP's family , visit the grave, plant a memorial tree, go for a family meal to remember his dad) - and then you have put honouring his dad first . After that, he may be able to move on enough to visit your family.

It sounds as though you see your family seldom enough already- the loss of his father should help your DP understand how important it is to spend precious family time together while you can.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 16/05/2013 13:27

When my DF died I was very careful to not mark the date especially so that there wouldnt be an anniversary to remember and mark.

Agree that this sounds overly dramatic and rather self-centred behaviour by your DH.

Scruffey · 16/05/2013 13:32

I would think that if your FIL was a nice man, he would be thoroughly ashamed of the way your dp is using his death as some sort of control mechanism or weapon. Far from honouring his father's life, he is completely dishonouring it by behaving like this.

LaraCroftInDisguise · 16/05/2013 13:34

Yes Jan he did say it was because of the anniversary. IIRC it was something along the lines of "You want to go to this blah blah..... Knowing full well what happened around that time last year!"

Branleuse it's not actually on the anniversary. It's about 3 weeks before it. If it was on the actual anniversary, there wouldn't be a question.

I like your suggestions Loki and Inertia thank you.

OP posts:

cerealqueen · 16/05/2013 13:40

So its not on the anniversary and he is stropping? He is being selfish and controlling, no reason at all why you both can't go!

I've lost both parents so know what it is like but he needs to get a grip.

2rebecca · 16/05/2013 14:27

Like others I could have more sympathy for him if he'd sadly said "you go and have a great time, I won't be feeling sociable and don't want to spoil the atmosphere so I'll stay at home give your sisters my love"
He didn't but responded aggressively and nastily with all the financial crap. That makes me think it's more about control than grief.

SilverOldie · 16/05/2013 18:18

Is you partner a man or a child? What he is saying is pathetic. Also, how does him going to Europe for a holiday help him grieve for his father? It doesn't.

Tell him to grow some balls - if he doesn't want to go to your family party then he should tell you the truth.

Whatever, go to your family event and enjoy yourself.

SarahAndFuck · 16/05/2013 20:21

He's being incredibly selfish.

We lost two of our babies within the space of eleven months. Our son was born at the end of January and our daughter in mid-December.

So there is also a space of just six weeks between our daughter's birth and death at two hours old, and the first anniversary of our son being stillborn.

And during that six week period in-between those two dates, we had Christmas, New Year and ten family birthdays including mine.

Our daughter died nine days before Christmas. We still celebrated it (after a fashion) because there are other children in the family and it wasn't all about us and our losses.

Putting so much pressure on marking anniversaries and significant events in a certain way can make you feel worse. I agree with Pictish, sometimes it's the dates that get to you and sometimes it comes out of the blue on a perfectly normal day because something unexpected just jumps out at you.

It's early days for your DH but I still think this behaviour and the way he spoke to you is selfish.

SirBoobAlot · 16/05/2013 20:32

Go to the party.

By the way... My father (note the lack of darling) left to go to Europe and 'remember' his dad after his mother died. Not only did the way he acted before he left utterly destroy me emotionally, but my mum is still paying off the debt he ran up now, thirteen years on.

There is grieving, and there is being an arsehole. My father was, and is, the latter.

Go to the party, enjoy it. If it was the same weekend as the loss, then it might be difficult. But a few weeks before, he is being ridiculous.

Whocansay · 16/05/2013 20:32

I don't think this has anything to do with his father's death. He's just trying to engineer a situation where he can get a jolly on his own.

Using his father's death to create an argument? What a shining example of humanity you're married to...

I hope you have a lovely time at the party.

claudedebussy · 16/05/2013 20:36

the loss of his father should surely mean that he'd want you to spend time with your family.

i've lost my father. was absolutely devastated. but by no means did i try to stop my partner seeing his family. why would i?

sorry lara, he's being totally unreasonable, and unsupportive of you!

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