Did I ruin Sunday?

[Dorange]

Cutting a long story short, basically I spend the whole day out with DD yesterday so dh could relax and enjoy himself as he has been working hard. Left at 12 (he was still asleep) and came back at 9pm still managed to praise him for the jobs he did around the flat (cleaned the algae in one fish tank but didn't change the water nor fed the fish/hung up some clothes to dry but there were socks in the duvet cover and cooked a 5 minutes meal leaving all the mess behind. Fine. That is what usually happens and I was not bothered.
The plan for Sunday was for us to go out as a family, (since I have plans for me and DD for Monday and he can stay and relax), so I woke up early and cleaned the flat which was extremely dirty and messy as week as dealt with DD (6) the whole morning. Dh than wakes up at 12 and decide to go out to the corner shop (probably to get smoke and few bits and pieces). After much faff around while I am cleaning high and low, he leaves the ironing table on my way which I put away whit out problem. He than starts huffing and puffing because he 'can't ' find his bag (he never can't find any fucking thing) and I say his bag is 'overthere' (right under his nose) and carry on cleaning. He than complains in a annoying manner that I moved his belongings...I point out that I moved the bag because it was on my way and it would be back to where it was when as soon as I finish...
Instead of leaving (or even better apologising) he carries on still complaining about me moving his bad and at this point I declare that I am not going out anymore, that he didn't complain about me moving the ironing table since it was convenient for him and that I have been cleaning up the whole morning and the fact I moved his bag from A to B (only because I am tiding up) is the only thing that springs to his mind.
After a brief argument when we bring up each others 'mistakes' from the past he decides to go out to the shops but I make it clear I am still not going anywhere.
He than comes back, and to his defence do a job in the bedroom that took like 45 minutes (but ha has been postponing for 4 weeks) and goes out with DD.
I am still not going.

[Dorange]

It is true karma
I guess it is because I am more organised and was at home at the beginning, also I work less and have less stress and I am around the house more often I end up doing more. I don't usually begrudge this and he does help when I ask or even now a days without me asking, but there isn't like defined tasks for each.
What set me off today was that I acknowledge the little he did yesterday and didn't give him shit for nothing and gave him a lot of time and space to relax and today he didn't acknowledge the much I was doing and did give me shit for nothing...
Maybe is a communication issue going on too.

Anyway they went had fun. He called me and asked dd to ask me if I wanted them to bring any food so I didn't order my chinese. I took on his offer to bring food as he wanted to be helpful and make amends.
I get that. But it is his whole attitude that needs changing. `the problem is, he is too slow.

And he knows I am getting serious about this. I don't want him to change his personality but if the attitude doesn't change, than I am out.

[fedupofnamechanging]

I don't think you are at ltb stage, just yet. But you definitely have to put a stop to praising him every time he does anything and there needs to be a more fair division of labour. I'd be pretty pissed off if I was cleaning the entire house and my dh was watching me do it and complaining - I would not feel like spending time with him either.

Would a rota work in your house, with clearly defined responsibilities? Failing that, next time you are cleaning, hand him the vacuum cleaner and ask him to help.

You and he both need to change your perception that him doing anything in the house is noteworthy and deserving of praise and start demanding his help, as a basic entitlement.

[Dorange]

Thank you ladies. I feel a bit guilty as he was really looking forward for this Sunday out, but I just couldn't go, really, maybe I am hard work like someone said above, but after waking up early to clean the house (it was a proper bomb site), so we could go out and not have any jobs to do on the way back or even tomorrow, so could enjoy ourselves even more and than being criticised because I moved a fucking bag whilst tiding up while all the hard work not being even acknowledged...well it drove me mad.

DD heard the argument, and whilst I know this isn't great, I just hope she understood my point, or at least that I stood up for myself.

Also the questions about the tank was real questions, not veiled criticism, I needed to know if the water had been changed and fish fed...

Anyway, he used to be worse (even asking me, as he couldn't understand, WHY he should put the toilet sit down and aim properly or why he had to make sure he left no skid marks)

I already stopped sorting his clothes and putting it away, I just wash it and put it in a pile when dry...it led to a 4 week of clothes piling on the bedroom and taking over the whole space including a open unpacked suit case from Easter holiday.

Never mind the can of beers, empty crisps/cig packets and plates everywhere including under the bed.

Yep, a man child, a teenager who is over 30s

Never had to deal with it before so went to from highly criticising and complaining to praising.

Will keep training talking.

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

OP, although there was a hint that English is not your first language you expressly yourself perfectly clearly.

YANBU. But it doesn't sound that he is so very terrible. And actually a bit of praise can sometimes have a positive effect.

It is a pity though that DD won't have a day with you all together. Could you change plans tomorrow? Or make up for it next weekend. I'm guessing she must have heard/seen what was going on between you and whilst it wasn't aggressive it might have made her sad that you were not getting on. Children are apt to blame themselves even when it's nothing to do with them.

Hope tomorrow is better.

[CrowsLanding]

You sound hard work op.
why do you feel the need to patronise your Dh, praising him like a 5 year old? Or have I missed something?

[LadyMaryQuiteContrary]

You shouldn't stay with anyone who makes you constantly miserable but no one's telling you to LTB. You need to sit down and talk. Tell him what you expect him to do around the house, you're not his mother and this is supposed to be an equal partnership. You don't need to praise him; he's not a child. A simple 'thank you' should be enough. Does he praise you? I expect not. Does he thank you? You're not being nice and pleasant, you're defining your relationship with him and you need to turn this around.

Good luck.

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

do you want to 'ltb'?

It's up to you. It's your life.

I'd just treat him like an adult. An equal. That means "thanks" as a courtesy, not patronising and not so subtle criticising! Unless he is very very stupid indeed, he knows that the questions are actually criticisms.

Just say thanks. Not because he's done 'your job' but because it's nice to be considerate of each other.

And expect the same from him!

And talk honestly and openly if there are things that you are not happy with.

[Dorange]

So what should I do to move the things forward without praising/training/criticizing....
I just thought I was being nice and pleasant, I never had this issue with my other partners.
Should I just LTB?

[LadyMaryQuiteContrary]

You need ground rules, Dorange and a clear distribution of household tasks! Any relationship is a partnership.

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

oooh, what are you having? I love chinese food but I can't eat it because I am allergic.

[Dorange]

Sorry if my posts don't make much sense, I am not native speaker. Going for a shower now and than order my chinese!

[Dorange]

You can think I am as bad as him, but I won't put up with this even if it causes an argument and I also won't let my 6 year old daughter think that is how her husband should be...I agree with LadyMaryQuiteContrary, it is MIL and FIL's fault he is the way he is (well at least part of it) and the example in the home needs to change, so DD won't grow up thinking all MEN are like this.

[LadyMaryQuiteContrary]

Yup, that's praise. That's what you do to a 2 year old when they've eaten all of their peas; "Oh, well done Bobby! It's lovely to see that you've eaten all of your peas! Your plate is lovely and empty now."

If Bobby was 35 and had just cleaned out the fish tank then a simple 'thank you, you've saved me a job' will do.

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

holy crap! I can feel the pat on the head in there!

[Dorange]

I don't know if 'praise' is what i do...

eg fish tank: Oh nice, you managed to clean all the algae, the tank is looking so much better now! Did you change some of the water? Did you feed the fish at all? / Nope, I will feed right now and change water tomorrow.../ Ok than.

eg hanging up clothes to dry: Oh good you realised there were wet clothes in the washing machine, I forgot to remind you to hung them up.

eg dinner: Great you planned to cook something tonight, I was gonna do beans on toast or something (as I came back home 9pm)

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

ah. good for you!

But seriously - there's a difference between the courtesy of a thank you and praise.

I say thanks when my husband loads the dishwasher. He says thanks when I do the ironing. Not that the dishwasher is my job or the ironing is his and we're thanking the other for doing our job iyswim, but it's a little appreciation that we should all show even for those household things that we just need to get on with. I say thanks love when he brings me a coffee, he says thanks when I bring him one. It is important.

I have never and would not open the dishwasher and go oh, husband, that's fantastic! You loaded that dishwasher really really well! You may have a jelly bean from the sweetie jar



Praising an adult for doing simple tasks is just patronising, for a start.

[Maggie111]

There's no need to go dragging up the past over a silly argument about moving a bag - you both need to work on your issues and not let small problems become a part of big problems.

I see both of you being as bad as each other really, but if you find yourself having regular arguments over the same thing over and over you could probably do with some relationship counselling.

[LadyMaryQuiteContrary]

Um... not all men are like this. I blame the parents; if they raise a man to think that he shouldn't do housework then he'll forever expect others to clean up after him. I wouldn't try to train a man though, sounds like a lost cause to me. He shouldn't need praise, he's not a child (or a dog).

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"Probably sunday now has been ruined for Dh as he planned this outing on Wed and has been looking forward to it, told people I am coming,"
Then he shouldn't have been such a whiney arse this morning then!

[Dorange]

No, I didn't explain very well...MIL says that he is exactly like FIL and
it is like ALL man IS and the few out there who weren't are the odd minority. That they should be forgiven because they have a penis are MEN and I should read 'Men is from Mars and Women are from Venus'

Well, I told her many times that I read that book twice in two different languages and also I had many MEN in my life (she had only FIL since very young) and I don't agree with the crap she is saying...

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

I get the impression his mother is advising the OP that women do the housework to let the man have a rest...

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

I can't believe you 'praise him' for doing chores. I praise the rabbit for shitting in his toilet.

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

what is your mother in law advising?

[LadyMaryQuiteContrary]

So his own mother doesn't have a good word to say about him? Ouch!

[Dorange]

yep LadyMary so I am happy I am not BU.
he has redeeming qualities so that is why I am patiently still in and wisely closing my ears to MIL's advices...