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AIBU?

To think my husband needs to grow some balls?

42 replies

sooooannoyed · 04/05/2013 16:18

Basically DH owns a 1/3 share of some commercial property/unit which was inherited 30 years ago. He has never used the property or received any money from it.

His brother has always used it as he is self employed.

DH however has always helped maintain the property ie repairs etc.

Third brother who has 1/3 share has absolutely nothing to do with the property.

They have been offered over the years to sell it (property developers). DH and one brother have always wanted sell but older brother who uses the property has always refused.

Anyway, some major repairs need doing. Older brother has told DH that he either gives up today (there at the moment), sunday & monday to help him do the repairs or his brother is going to pay a friend (on job seekers) to do it and DH will have to pay half to this friend.

I am really angry as

only DH working and we cannot afford it
we were planning on taking the children out over the weekend
his brother has had many years use of the property
DH has told him to flatten the unit as opposed to the repairs. Brother's work has dropped off a lot so only really stores truck, tools and other equipment there. DH told his brother to rent another unit for this.

Both DH and other brother have wanted to sell for many years.

Told DH to polietely tell his brother he does not want to give any more of his weekend up or pay anyone else to do work.

DH said he "tried" to tell him but brother is having none of it.

DH is in foul mood with me and children because he's annoyed at brother.

Is DH a wimp or am I being to harsh? I always feel as if I'm the one wearing the balls in the marriage!

over the years to s

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lisianthus · 06/05/2013 00:42

Well, if you do get fed up with being bullied, lied about and to and being made party to fraud and divorce him, make sure that the property is counted in the assets that need splitting.

Actually, if EITHER you or younger brother's wife get a divorce, the cat will be out of the bag. Your DH might want to think about that.

LineRunner · 05/05/2013 18:25

That's a fair old emotionally-laden dynamic. I think you might be better off just signing over your share to the older brother, just to get rid, like SodaSteamy suggested upthread.

sooooannoyed · 05/05/2013 18:18

Linerunner. Their mum died when DH was at primary school and dad when he was 19.

He's very stubborn, never came to ours or younger brother's wedding.

DH says he feels sorry for him which makes me rather angry. It's his brother's way or no way!

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fubbsy · 05/05/2013 16:12

The brother can't afford to sell? That doesn't make any sense. If it was sold he would get one third of the proceeds. Given that he paid exactly 0, it's basically free money.

More like he wants to continue to bully his brothers into subsidising him and supporting his tax evasion.

expatinscotland · 05/05/2013 14:35

I'd hire a solicitor. Time to make it clear to him that he buys your husband and his brother out or sells up. Fuck him if he stops speaking to you.

YANBU.

Oldandcobwebby · 05/05/2013 14:21

Yes, baffling why he hasn't been snapped up.

Loulybelle · 05/05/2013 14:11

50, never been married, no kids, no relationship in the 10 years,

Im stumped to work out why.

LineRunner · 05/05/2013 14:05

Wow. That's some brother. What are the PIL like? Are they nuts as well?

sooooannoyed · 05/05/2013 13:52

Mistake - younger brother 25 years together!

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sooooannoyed · 05/05/2013 13:51

Think I will go with ringing the council for advice. The brother definately wont sell because yet again DH said he cannot afford to.

Linerunner - Never understood why DH and younger brother let older brother control them.

Older brother didn't talk to me for first 8 years of my relationship with DH as he didnt like me because my dad had died of alcholism. He has never spoken to younger brother's wife (35 years together) because she's been married before and had already had children.

Weird thing is older brother is in his 50s never been married, no children. Not been in a relationship for last 10 years. I know he'd like to have been married.

Never been able to work him out!

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LineRunner · 05/05/2013 13:12

Why mustn't DH's older brother be upset? Has he got some sort of emotional hold over everyone?

Of course now he has a very real hold over everyone - they all appear to be avoiding paying business rates together or whatever it is they should be paying.

I woiuld go cap in hand to the council and voluntarily admit there has been a huge cock-up and ask them to help sort it out. Some council departments would let you negotiate a settlement - some would be more hard-line. You could make a tentative anonymous call asking for generalised advice.

As regards your DH, he sounds like a bit of lost cause, tbh.

CloudsAndTrees · 05/05/2013 12:58

Yes, your DH seriously needs to man the fuck up and grow some balls.

Oldandcobwebby · 05/05/2013 12:16

You know all about the goings-on here. Therefore you are party to fraud. This is serious stuff. You have allowed yourselves to get into a nightmare situation, putting your finances, and perhaps even your liberty at huge risk, just to avoid upsetting DH's brother. You need to speak to a solicitor about this urgently. Either to get this millstone sold and taxes/fines paid, or for a divorce. I am a bloke, but I can't imagine why you are choosing to live in this ridiculous situation.

sooooannoyed · 05/05/2013 11:42

Sorry, pressed enter too soon!

DH still not speaking to me. Found out he'd spoken to younger brother who has agreed to chip in on materials. Apparently DH told older brother I was having a go at him and telling him not to contribute, obviously DH used this tact as opposed to him being up front and honest with his brother! Therefor making me the baby guy.

DH went up to A&E last night with chest pains - my fault apparently. He's obviously ok as he's gone to help his brother on the repairs

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sooooannoyed · 05/05/2013 11:38

Well Stuntgirl, DH still not speaking to me. We had an almighty row, I told him he

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StuntGirl · 04/05/2013 18:26

"So he can bully you but not stand up to his bully brother??!!"

This. I'd be telling him firmly that he can channel that anger and frustration in his brother's direction, not be taking it out on you or the children.

diddl · 04/05/2013 18:17

So he can bully you but not stand up to his bully brother??!!

His twat of a brother is putting him in the middle-if anyone is-and his is own inability to stand up to him is keeping him there!

sooooannoyed · 04/05/2013 18:06

Thanks for all the advice.

DH not now speaking to me as said I am putting him in the middle and he is stressed. Told me to f off!

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quoteunquote · 04/05/2013 17:41

No tax or insurance gets paid as his brother has never declared it. I've previously told DH I would report it but DH said he'd also get into trouble as he owns a share

You need to sort this out, what sort of square footage floor space is the workshop, as that is how they work it out,

if you sell then they will want back payments, if it has been used as a workshop, make sure it only a store,

take out at least public liabilities, NFU are very competitive and easy to deal with, find the local office have a chat, do not stick your head in the sand on this one.

you are all liable,

You may have difficulty getting out precisely because you have left him there without paying rent, or having a contract,

before any more wood gets put on the fire, try to get the brothers to sit down and talk, it will save huge amounts of stress and money.

digerd · 04/05/2013 17:34

The older DB is a right nasty bully and DH has done his bidding. Youngest DB will not be bullied by him and has refused to help with repairs. So bully DB goes for the one he can bully, your DH.

I understand your anger, I would feel the same, but could not tolerate a DH who put his fears of his DB above his love for you.

LineRunner · 04/05/2013 17:32

^^ I like that idea of Soda's.

SodaStreamy · 04/05/2013 17:23

just a thought but could the brothers sign over/or put in joint names the share to you and youngers brothers wives then you 2 can be the bad guys and sell/rent?

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Loulybelle · 04/05/2013 17:20

Tell him, what would he prefer falling out with his brother or falling out with you and sleeping on the sofa and no more perks that you bring him.

If its the former, then he go snuggle his brother in the night then.

LineRunner · 04/05/2013 17:19

If your DH and his younger brother are scared of the emotional reaction of his older brother, you have to wonder why.

sooooannoyed · 04/05/2013 17:13

Hollyberrybush - I have made similar suggestions over the years as has younger brother's wife. Older brother has always resisted every suggestion put forward.

My DH and younger brother just go along with whatever older brother wants.

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