Long term crush on colleague

[Iamanananas]

I have been married with DW for over 2 years, with her for more than 10. Things have not been great for a while. Not completely sure when it started but I reached a point when I lost all my confidence at home. I started to have a crush on my colleague almost 2 years ago. she is in a long term relationship with DB and I don't think she has even realised I like her. I started counselling a few months ago as the crush did not stop and my relationship with DW was not Improving. The crush started quite a while after the realisation that my relationship was not going the right way and i never had a crush until I met her. I know that DC is unreachable but I cannot stop thinking about her all the time. The more i go to counselling the stronger my feelings for DC become. it hurts so much and the guilt feeling is so intense!! I have not done anything wrong (yet) and, in some ways, I am proud of it and I am really trying to get thing working with DW. I'm so fed up to feel like this, and really feel abnormal in some ways. Has anybody been in a similar situation?

[LimitedEditionLady]

Dont tell me im a sap,you dont know anything except that that i dont like how sexist.i just didnt like how you labelled men the same.thats not right.

[blueshoes]

You are right to feel uncomfortable, LimitedEdition. Women are every bit as capable of finding themselves in the OP's situation. It is not all cock.

[Iamanananas]

Just make thing clear, yep, I am a very emotional person and sometimes maybe a bit too much in touch with my feeling, fair enough. I am not the bad guy either. As I said, I just wanted your opinion on why a crush which WILL not go anywhere lasts for so long. It drives me nuts. I have not done anything with colleague and she does not know about my feelings. Yes, I hurt my wife and I am sorry about it. And want to work things out but I don't seem to manage to reassure my wife but seem to always fail. I think my feeling for the colleague is caused by two things, first my lack of confidence in my marriage and the fact that the colleague is a person I really could get ion well with. I never had a crush before that. I always thought my wife was better (truly!!).

I think anyfucker is a bit harsh. If a woman had started this thread, you would tell that her husband is a dick. But the fact that I started it means I am one. I'm not perfect and really do not look for compliment or being told that I am great. I would not post on Munsnet if I did.... I just needed to express feeling and see the reaction I got. I don't have anybody to share this with.

Will continue later, I have to go.

[AnyFucker]

If a woman started this thread I would tell her the same thing

Stop making a fool of yourself and quit mistreating your husband

[LimitedEditionLady]

Yes i know women that have,and men and it wasnt about sleeping together it was how the person made them feel.im aware that the OP is having a crush and its one sided but its not fair to label him.

[LimitedEditionLady]

But would you say that she was thinking with her vagina?
Can you see the side of looking for a partner that makes you happy?surely you get that when youre unhappy when someone makes you happy and you enjoy time with them that makes that person attractive?

[QuintessentialOHara]

Look, I think it is quite obvious that emotionally you left your marriage long ago. You are not willing to do anything to return. You have indulged in a fantasy with another woman, "heart wanting to seduce and start afresh with her", for several years. Of course your wife has picked up on this. Of course she has noticed that you are emotionally vacant and not "in love" with her any more. Flowers and presents are the actions of a guilt ridden man. Of course she is anxious. She knows she has lost you.

Stop faffing about like some teenage idiot and make up your mind. Stop thinking about the other woman, find a new job, move, anything. Or let your wife be free to find somebody who actually will really love and cherish her.

I think you are behaving like a selfish prick to be perfectly honest. You are quite happy to keep your wife, whilst admiring another attractive woman from afar. But not willing to let your wife move on, like you quite obviously have done.

I bet you are quite happy for her to cook your dinners and launder your dirty underpants and clothes, do the shopping and the housework, look after the children (you have not answered "no" to questions about kids together so I assume you are a dad), so you can continue fantasizing about this other woman at leisure.

You are self indulgent. Get some self insight.

[Mondrian]

Don't worry about Anyfucker, she is just very anti-men and very pro-divorce ... She does make the threads more exciting to read though.

As others have said you need to separate your marriage and crush. Relationships are hard, very hard and there will always be rough patches along the way. What you need to decide on is what type of a man are you? Will you pack up and leave every time you hit a rough patch or will you stay and fight to save the relationship. So far it sounds as if you have not tried very hard ... Little communication, no joint counselling and little consultation. You seem to talk more about the crush than the marriage!

Forget about the crush for now, deal with the marriage, decide if you want to try and save it, if so then do all it takes. If not then pack up and leave, the crush is really irrelevant as its something that may or may not turn into something irrespective of what happened with your marriage.

[AnyFucker]

[QuintessentialOHara]

Mondrian, was that comment about another poster really necessary? Why not sticking to the ops predicament rather than slating other people using their time trying to advise?

[AnyFucker]

I am certainly anti males who come to a female dominated website to whine about how difficult and awful it is to be torn between two women

I don't have much patience for the women who do it either

But then you'd know that, mondrian, bring so familiar with all my posts

[QuintessentialOHara]

See the "pro-divorce man hater" takes it with good humour!

[AnyFucker]

Being*

[QuintessentialOHara]

snort at untimely x post.

[Fecklessdizzy]

You're not my sister's mate, are you? He moons after women for months until they fall for him, then he's fine for a while then he starts pining after someone else. The only woman he's constantly fixated on is a female version of himself who always chucks him first!

Sort out your actual real life relationship - stay/go/whatever - but stop keeping your wife dangling and don't kid yourself that the woman at work wants anything to do with you.

[SacreBlue]

I agree with AF and from reading other threads I absolutely believe AF would, and has, pulled women up on disgusting foolish behaviour.

I just wanted your opinion on why a crush which WILL not go anywhere lasts for so long. It drives me nuts

FYI OP a 'crush' is not a separate entity from yourself - YOU have to take action not throw your hands up and say "it's not my fault it's 'the crush'" because frankly that smacks rather too much of blaming the person you have the crush on (for liking you, for not noticing, for just being) and your DW (for not listening, for being withdrawn hardly a surprise that is it? )

These are your feelings, stand up and take some responsiblilty for them yourself

You may well have left a counsellor because they 'agreed too much with you', I rather suspect it was because they didn't tell you what you wanted to hear.

[Mumsyblouse]

If a woman had posted this, (and it's a not uncommon problem) in Relationships she'd have received exactly the same short sharp advice, there's very much an orthodoxy (or heterodoxy as SGB might say) around being honest with your partner and not overlapping relationships.

If a woman had posted this, she would not have been told her husband is a dick. Indeed it's hard to see what your wife is doing wrong apart from failing to understand why they heck you are behaving like this. All of the faults you cite with your marriage are very minor and would be easily resolved by a bit of marriage counselling and/or a recommitment by you to the marriage.

I am not going to post on here any more because I don't think it is making any difference whatsoever to how much you are mooning and pining for your fantasy OW, in fact, you seem to be enjoying the opportunity to bleat on about her without doing anything proactive about solving the situation.

And remember, you only have this madeup in your head choice because you have not been honest with your wife. If you were honest about your (very long-term and quite creepy) crush and your head/heart dilemma, I suspect she'd be out the door.

[dogsandcats]

Do all posters think a man or a woman deserves a second chance?
If a marriage is salvagable, what a marvellous thing, especially for any children.

[Mollydoggerson]

OP how do you think your wife would respond if you told her about the crush? Is she happy in the marriage? It's possible that she might like to get out of it also, but maybe you need to be really honest with her.

I think somebody upthread asked, how would you feel if your wife came home and told you it was over? Would you be relieved?

[LadyBeagleEyes]

I'm just imagining the poor woman with the creepy married colleague practically stalking her at work.
You've got no chance pal, your poor wife.

[Iamanananas]

I do realise that this crush is wrong and, once again, it's why I posted this thread. I am maybe self-indulgent and sometimes you need people to tell you are before you realise it.

Sacrebleu: I am not going to post on here any more because I don't think it is making any difference whatsoever to how much you are mooning and pining for your fantasy OW, in fact, you seem to be enjoying the opportunity to bleat on about her without doing anything proactive about solving the situation.

I don't think I am bleating about her as you say. Once again, I did realise that my feelings were stupid but did not know how to deal with it. Your comments are helping and show me another way of seeing things. I do realise that this crush was most certainly a disturbing way of avoiding thinking about my pbm in my relationship. I should have done sth about the crush earlier, fair enough (easy to say with insight) but I always thought it would go away on its own.

I bet you are quite happy for her to cook your dinners and launder your dirty underpants and clothes, do the shopping and the housework, look after the children (you have not answered "no" to questions about kids together so I assume you are a dad), so you can continue fantasizing about this other woman at leisure. We don't have children. I deal with the housework, washing clothes, DIY and I can even cook. I am for sex equality at work and in a relationship and will even have most often feminist views on things . I often do the dishes or tidy the house when DW is at the gym or have some time for herself. That does not mean that I am a great person and clearly I have not made the right judgement calls at the right time. I have made effort to try to save my relationship and I have not taken things further with my crush (once gain, I realise that I should have been more pro-active towards it but I REALLY cannot leave this job as the business is more or less mine).

[LimitedEditionLady]

youve got to get over the crush ti clear your mind.dont know how to do it other than you to really see that the crush is not going to happen.
are you scared of losing your wife or are you scared of being the bad guy by leaving?
you dont have to answer that to anyone just think about it.if its the second answer then you have to think of her happiness because thats what love is.you might not want to let go because its hard but if you cant make it work perhaps you need to make the decision for both of you.

[dogsandcats]

Having reread your posts,13.55pm Thurs and 14.17 thurs, it sounds to me that your wife is very scared that you will leave her. And that is why she is telling you such things as "she is telling me what I say is not what I feel."

If I were you, I would write her a very long email, or text, or letter of what you are really feeling. [I am not sure that you should include the crush in the first instance].
That way, she has it in more detail, and your words hopefully will resonate more. And she wont just hear the bits she wants to hear and dismiss the rest.

[LessMissAbs]

The more I read this twaddle, the more I'm convinced the OP is getting off on online attention. Talk about making something out of nothing. He seems to think there is more going on than there is. Because its all in his head. Quite possibly the work colleague considers him a dodgy, somewhat creepy middle aged man (hes bound to be older than her), and possibly many of his younger female colleagues do too, but they are bound by workplace courtesy to be polite to him. And now hes getting even more attention from a bunch of women on the internet.

You're not my sister's mate, are you? He moons after women for months until they fall for him, then he's fine for a while then he starts pining after someone else

Alternatively, this type of man is usually to be found on POF or other internet dating sites, stringing women along by pretending to be single, constant messages, but never meeting up because they're absolutely terrified their long-suffering wife will leave him.

I bet the OP is actually terrified his wife will leave him, and this fantasy is all in his head.

ps OP the workplace is for working, not mooning about your colleagues. Just how good a performance can you be turning in if your head is full of stupid middle-aged man fantasies, instead of work issues?

Pure, pure fantasy, and rather creepy with it.

[LadyBeagleEyes]

I don't often agree with you LittleMissAbs, but in this instance you're spot on