Mother not acknowledging pregnancy - AIBU to cancel family holiday?

[Xiaoxiong]

My mother has ishoos with age and life transitional events - every time I've moved from one stage in my life to another she has caused some sort of drama or tension or has belittled or dismissed it. I think she feels these events signal to the world that she is getting older and hasn't accomplished what she wants (she is ambitious but self sabotages). So I always knew that having children of my own would cause ructions.

She also has lots of opinions of how I (and everyone else) should live their lives, which are always of course in their best interests in her eyes. She thought that for my health and family I should have a very big gap between children, if I should indeed have any more at all - I just brushed it off and told her we would have DC2 when it made sense for us.

I fell pregnant with DC2 in January - there will be a 22 month gap between DCs (gap between me and my brother: 19 months). Emailed my parents to tell them. My father emailed back and said he was overjoyed but that he would "break it to her". Since then I have heard nothing from her and she hasn't picked up any calls from me.

My dad says she is just extremely worried about my health, finances, and how I will cope with two etc and that she'll come round eventually. These worries are not unreasonable and DH and I have had the same worries, and have taken steps to plan ahead as much as possible. However she has not asked me any questions about our planning which might allay her concerns.

My dad is now asking for the dates we can come to the US for our annual family get-together in New England, staying in a cabin on an island in a lake. I've been there every year since I was born, as has my dad, so not going is a very big deal. I am really sad to think I might not go, but I can't imagine it under the circumstances.

My dad and brother (peacemaker quiet life at all costs types) think I'm the one being VVVU and prolonging the drama, because when she finally does come round we can all just let sleeping dogs lie. They also that I'm using my DS (16 months) as a weapon, threatening to withhold him from his GPs unless she apologises - something which I should apparently just accept she will never do. My dad is now saying if money is an issue he will buy our tickets as he is desperate to spend time with DS.

AIBU to not want to go on holiday with someone who has given me the silent treatment for months and still hasn't acknowledged I'm pregnant, even if that means it's terribly unfair on my dad not to see DS?

(Of course the other issue is that for the dates we are planning to fly, I'll be 31 weeks - I did go way overdue with DS though.)

[exexpat]

Well done, OP, I think you made the right choice. Just hope that this may inspire your mother to think a little about how she is behaving to you. Sadly may be unlikely, though.

[suburbophobe]

The airline said no problem to fly up to 36 weeks.

Well, that may be so, but I went into labour at 36 weeks. No way I would want to be giving birth on an aeroplane!

[HansieMom]

How long is that flight? Nine hours or something? With my second pregnancy, I had achyness in my groin and upper thighs. No way could I or should I have sat for long periods. My son was born at 34 weeks, emergency C section, he was very ill with hyaline membrane disease, in NICU for two weeks. Glad you have decided not to go.

[ScrambledSmegs]

I flew to the east coast of the US at 33 weeks, back at 34. It was not comfortable. The seats were agony, I had to beg a flight attendant to nab a proper pillow from first class so that I could shove it behind my back and have near-decent support.

I wouldn't advise you to do it, especially as you're under consultant-led care. In fact I wouldn't recommend any pregnant woman does it, health issues or not.

[ScrambledSmegs]

Obviously that's heavily pregnant woman and long-haul flights. Quick jaunts when you're 20 weeks or so is absolutely fine!

[AnyoneforTurps]

I have travel insurance which includes US health but don't know if it covers pregnancy and birth

It won't. It may not even cover antenatal complications e.g pre-eclampsia especially after 28 weeks. And, as a regular visitor to the US, you don't need me to tell you that admission to a US intensive care unit (worse case scenario for pre-eclampsia) could cost you millions if you're not insured. Don't do it. It's not worth the risk for a normal vacation (might be different if wedding/last chance to say goodbye to dying relative etc).

[ExitPursuedByABear]

Now you are not going, can we go instead? Sounds wonderful.

[Weegiemum]

By the time I got to the end of this thread I see you spoke to your dh and decided no.

I think that's wise. I flew (with 3y6m dd1 and 18m ds) to Vancouver to visit bil and his wife, flying out at 23 weeks and home at 27 weeks. I'd never expect anyone ever to fly long-haul after that stage. It was bearable but uncomfortable, and I needed to walk around a lot, and on the home leg we had lots of turbulence so I couldn't manage it! Awful! Especially needing to pee on a plane - I ended up being allowed to use the cabin crew toilet as I needed so often!

It's hard not to let your mother intimidate you. I can't give advice on dealing with that as I haven't seen my mother since dd2 (the one I was pg with in Canada) was almost a year old - she would have made these kind of demands, and it's been a good decision for me, though good as her and my Dad haven't been together since she left when I was 12 (30 years) and not seeing her meant no bother still seeing my wonderful dad.

Hope it goes ok breaking the news!

[Xiaoxiong]

Turps you're absolutely right and I wouldn't be considering going even at 12 weeks without full pregnancy coverage. I had a 3 day hospital stay in college and it cost something like £3k a day. Insurance covered it but with a 20% copay it was still a bomb.

Exit it is utterly idyllic. I am so sad to think I won't be there and consoling myself that as DS will only be 20 months he won't remember missing out this year. Sure you can take my place - my mum is a fab host and a lovely person to everyone else, and apparently says wonderful things about me behind mg back (!) so no one ever believes me when I tell them the stuff she says to me it makes me wonder if I have imagined it. The number of times I've been accused of exaggerating/over dramatising her behaviour....

[Xiaoxiong]

Thanks for all the flying long haul horror stories as well, they are lessening the regret somewhat!!

Also this thread has outed me if you are still reading we can now go on holiday together in August in the UK

[JohnSnowsTie]

Sounds like jealousy wrapped up as concern to me, OP. I have a friend who does that whenever someone else has good news. You made the right choice.

Would be interested to know what reaction you get...!

[McNewPants2013]

I wouldn't go.

I don't give in to my children sulking never mind an adult.

[ExitPursuedByABear]

[DontmindifIdo]

It does sound to me that your mum is very good at making everything about her so your life changes aren't about you, the focus is the effect they have on your mum. Your whole family is geered up for this to be the focus for anything that's happening to them, think about the effect this will have on mum.

I can easily believe she will sing your praises when you aren't there, because then again, your achievements become something she can brag about, it becomes about her again - whereas if you are there, the person who she is talking too would shift their attention directly to you once one of your achievements were mentioned.

Oh and on the travelling front, if they were actually concerned about your health, they'd be asking your Uncle to swap months so it wouldn't involve asking you to fly when you are heavily pregnant - they aren't doing that because they aren't thinking about your wellbeing. Your mum's worry about you is a way to make the focus on how she feels about your pregnancy, not focus on you being pregnant.

[Mumsyblouse]

I can't believe this thread (I mean I do believe it, I just feel sorry for you). If my mum ignored me for one day, I would be upset, three months of sulking about you getting pregnant 'too soon' is outrageous and I wouldn't be speaking to her by the time she deigned to get in touch.

All your family seem to orient around this 'ideal' world, in which you the perfect daugher have children according to their idea of ideal, and holiday in an ideal place every year even though this is a) not actual reality and b) could have been dangerous to your health.

if I were your partner/husband I would be very keen to establish that you are now the family, the decision-makers and your health, happiness is what counts, not theirs (at least in your own small family).

Otherwise, the guilt and the expectations are going to be really heavy over the coming years.

Your mum should be worried you might not speak to her again about being so negative about your pregnancy/impending second grandchild, I would find that hard to forgive myself.

[Oldraver]

OP..My Dad was exactly the same when I was pregnant with DS2, he refused to acknowledge the pregnancy at all. My Mum told me he had said if I came up (I live a couple of hours away from them) when the baby was born we were not welcome in the house. Her solution to this, rather than tell my DF he was being ridiculous, was that I should stay in a hotel, there was no way this was going to happen. He did eventually 'come round' and now is a doting grandfather but it does hurt that he behaved like this, though is the kind of behaviour he goes in for. I have warned my Mum that they came very close to be cut off and I wont tolerate anything like this again.

My Mum does enable my Dad and I do get annoyed that she wont just tell him to grow up, he tends to have hissy fits and tantrums if he doesn't get his own way. He didnt think I should have anymore DC's (health concerns) and gets enraged when people dont follow what he thinks is the correct thing to so. He also tends to think selfishly and bases things on how they would effect him and doesn't factor in anyone elses feelings

Enjoy your August holiday

[propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS]

I think you should just go. Don't let your mum's ad attitude ruin a nice event for everyone else. Be the bigger person. Go and enjoy yourself. You can't control your mum's eh saviour but you can control how you react to it. Don't rise to the drama, show her life goes on happily with or without her mad input.

[Xiaoxiong]

Update! A response from my dad:

"Ok, no worries - your DMum was the one who said to me (unsolicited) that we should get tickets for you to come here in August. She is still on edge about life in general. I think she'll probably come to London sometime in May, and she will want to see you and DS. She will come in peace -- I have no doubt about that. Nothing is festering. Love, DDad"

I can just see what "coming in peace" means - she'll show up here in May as if nothing had ever happened and refuse to discuss anything that's happened over the last few months... and if I push the issue then I'm the one who's breaching the peace, as it were.

Dontmindifido you have some serious insight into her behaviour - I hope it's not because you've come up with lots of people like her before. I've never been able to come up with any reason before why she will big me up to all and sundry and say such mean things to my face but it totally makes sense now.

Thanks again for all input. I guess the question is how much I insist on having it out with her if she shows up in May and whether there is ever any solution. DH thinks she'll never change or discuss her behaviour so I should give up any hope of that happening.

[ExitPursuedByABear]

Some things are best brushed under the carpet.

I never thought I would ever say that, but at the grand old age of 53 I finally realise it is true.

[BlackeyedSusan]

oh for goodness sake. you do not need to go. the relationship is not healthy.

have you posted on the stately homes thread? go and look it up and ask over there.

[GlassofRose]

Bit nosy, but what on earth are her actual concerns?

[kerala]

My friend had a mother like that, only meaner. Eventually when the mother was upsetting her daughter while pregnant with their first baby my friend's DH lost patience (difficult mothers DH and DS were utterly pathetic enablers) rang the awful mother and bollocked her - ending with if she didnt stop upsetting his wife they would never go and see her and she wouldnt see her grandchildren end of. It was marvellous - I had seen my poor friend going through hell with her mother since she was a child. It did work though she was much improved after that. I think she was shocked to be called on her behaviour by a calm reasonable person outside the immediate damaged family.

[TeaandHobnobs]

you know what I think, so I won't add to the above. Some very wise insights though.

I'm going to hold you to that August holiday, you know

[Xiaoxiong]

Susan I'm told them I'm not going and they seem to have accepted that without a murmur which is good.

Exit so is this a situation where if she makes the running and comes to see us in May, you would not push the issue and just let sleeping dogs lie? That's what I'm leaning towards...

[DontmindifIdo]

Yep, my DM can be very similar - she managed to find a way to make my miscarriage last summer all about her...

Anyway, I'd reply to your dad asking if your mum will be apologising for being so rude to you when she comes over in May? A simple short e-mail along those lines might be enough for him to realise you aren't just going to play along with the family focus being all about how you keep mum happy - that other people in the family have a right to have their feelings considered too.

And don't fly in August, it's far too far to go when you're that heavily pregnant, if it was July that would be a different thing, would your family even entertain asking your Uncle if you could swop months at the cabin or would that mean putting someone other than your mum first?