To sabotage my perfect stepson...

[oneoclockblues]

Out of an act of love?

DSS is 16, we have a close and loving relationship, but this doesn't change the fact that he is annoyingly perfect. He is physically gorgeous, talented at art, sport and music, is intellectually genius and surrounds himself with friends as equally good as himself. If I didn't know any better I would swear he was one of those robot kids from A.I.

But,unfortunately, all his natural talents, combined with a strong sense of ambition has turned him into an extreme perfectionist. I'm not talking the ' I spend a little bit extra on things' perfectionist, I'm talking the ' I spelt a word wrong, so I'm going to rub out the whole sentence and do it again' type.

But over the last couple of days his been moping around the house and stressing out, as he got a 87 on a test, and he has never before gotten anything below 90. Yes, you read that right, never anything under 90. They might have well given the poor kid a 0 the way his acting, like the whole worlds going to end.

And I've come to two conclusions; The kid doesn't know how to fail and this behavior can't be healthy.

I tried to approach DH about this last night, but he doesn't seem concerned. DH, bless him, is in no way a pushy parent, but if DSS decided tomorrow to join the circus, DH would stop at nothing and no expense, to see him the lead clown in circus soleil. He's a big believer in reaching your full potential, and not doing things half assed, not seeing in this case he may be doing more harm than good.

So I came up with an evil plan, to start sabotaging DSS work (Not his school work or anything serious obviously, but just things he does for extra curricular activities, ect) every now and then, so he becomes more accustomed to the feeling of failure (or his version of failure, average) and doesn't have a panic attack, like he is right now, every time something even remotely close to failure occurs, because as I've told him many times in the past, he won't go through life without failing and will have to get used to it sooner or later.

So, am I being unreasonable?

• I know I've taken on a joking tone here, mainly because as a long time user (under different name) I know anything involving stepfamiles is a sore subject, but this is a serious issue, I really believe this behavior is unhealthy, and any serious advice would be appreciated.

[Spikeytree]

If he is very bright and always achieves over 90 then 87 is a bad score for him and it isn't wrong for him to be disappointed. Hopefully he will channel that disappointment into making sure it doesn't happen again.

I have students for whom any grade at all is an achievement and others for whom anything other than A* is a disappointment.

[oneoclockblues]

Freddiemisagreatshag DH is very much like you, though he doesn't tell him that he failed, he asks him where he thinks he went wrong (this time he messed up a section on his Japanese test) and how DS thinks he can fix it next time. Who knows, maybe this is part of the problem.

DontmindifIdo I'm not jealous of DSS, I just don't want him to panic and freak out every time his score falls below 90, even on a test that doesn't count for anything. Like I've said, it is not the achievement that worries me, but the reaction if it's not what he hoped for and the effort that is put into things that he doesn't like or enjoy for the sake of being 'the best'

wonderingagain He can actually lose a board game. He is not a bad loser as such, more so he seems to see losing and failing as a reflection on himself, if that makes sense.

SwishSwoshSwoosh - I can ask three times a day and get three different answers. I'm not sure even he knows why he has to be perfect at everything. I'm the one in the family who tries to convince him that the world is not going to stop turning because he got a bad grade, but he doesn't listen.

badguider - Not at all. If he can't do something he will do it over and over again into he can do it to a high skill level, even if it's something he can't stand. If he can't do it, he has to learn how and he has to be great at it.

[Freddiemisagreatshag]

Oh I would say "let yourself down" "didn't do as well as you could have" "should have done better"

I said "like he failed" - and for him, he did.


In my house, anything less than 100% effort is not acceptable. Doesn't matter what the mark is, iyswim, but if you don't put in 100% effort then you're a slacker.

Good enough is not good enough.

I realise I am out of step with most of MN on this though

[wonderingagain]

Perhaps you should both ignore his grades good or bad so that he considers that he is doing this for himself and no one else. It may put him in good stead for Uni too where he won't have Dad around with helpful suggestions.

[oneoclockblues]

But it's not just his grades. Anything he does outside of school - music, drawing, even keeping his room clean - have to be perfect. His pretty much that girl from black swan at this point.

[CamomileHoneyVanilla]

Of course you shouldn't sabotage him. This is quite a good self-help book for perfectionism: www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Perfectionism-Roz-Shafran/dp/1845297423/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1366395711&sr=8-1&keywords=overcoming%20perfectionism&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Lots of messages that he's loved/good enough/worth loads however he does would probably be helpful too.

[wonderingagain]

I think you are right to be concerned as this could get out of hand.

[Freddiemisagreatshag]

Show me a good loser and I'll show you a loser. Second place is last place.

been there

[Hippee]

I can see why you are concerned. When I went to Cambridge it was the children who had always been top of their class at school who struggled with finding that they were not top any more - sometimes quite seriously. I would talk to the school rather than try to engineer "controlled failure" and see whether they have any suggestions.

[stealthsquiggle]

My point exactly, hippee.

Freddie I hope for your DC's sake that they remain beat at everything they do, forever, but I somehow doubt it, and that attitude is setting them up for a major fall.

Not that I disagree with the effort part, and for some DC (like my DD) you have to push to get them to make that effort, but with others, like my DS and the OP's DSS, they put that pressure on themselves, and you have to teach them to accept that effort doesn't always deliver perfect results.

[Freddiemisagreatshag]

Stealth - so far they're doing more than fine but thank you for your concern.

[maddening]

Maybe look at coping strategies for obsessive behaviour?

[aurynne]

Sabotaging his work would not teach him anything at all. It wouldn't be him filing, it would be someone sabotaging his work. And just by the way, someone he trusts and who is supposed to love him and respect him.

I have always been a perfectionist, I was that 16-year-old who would start a sketch from scratch if a line was not perfect. I still am, and I am now studying my second degree. I still get upset if I get less than a 90% in an exam or assignment. This trait of mine has meant I have been successful at most things in life and I have had choices that many other "not-perfectionists" now envy. Yes, I got more upset thank other people for things that for them are not important. But I also get less upset at other things that for me are not important and for other people seem to mean a lot.

If a family member of mine had sabotaged my work to make me realise what failure felt like... I can't even imagine how upset, angry and betrayed I would have felt. It would not have taught me anything. And whoever that person was, it would have completely destroyed my trust in that person. Knowing myself, I would probably never ever had spoken to that person again, and would always be distrustful of them.

I know what failure feels like, life gives you many chances of finding that out without the need for sabotage. But my perfectionism has been crucial in making me one of the happiest and most fulfilled persons not only in my family, but in my group of friends and acquaintances.

There is nothing wrong with your DSS. Perhaps it is you who could learn something from him?

[Catmint]

I think you had just seized on the sabotage idea because you are worried and concerned for your stepson. I don't think you would actually have done it. It's not an uncommon way to try to think round a problem to consider the most extreme solution (which would solve the problem in theory but cause many more ) and then work back from there to something sensible.

Just wanted to balance out all the 'you loony' posts.

[aurynne]

Catmint, as a perfectionist myself I can assure you that sabotage would have made the "problem" much worse.

And I can also tell you it is not a problem at all. It is a personality type, and a pretty successful one in the long term.

[Buddhagirl]

Buy him a book on perfectionism or print off a self help guide off the Internet?

Talk about it with him. Help him reduce high standards, point out high standards make him miserable in the end.

[Buddhagirl]

perfectionismselfhelp.com/

www.nopanic.org.uk/Perfectionism.pdf

[Buddhagirl]

Just to point out it can be a problem, it can lead to depression.

Quite why this is spread out over 3 posts I don't know!

[ithaka]

Oh go on - make him fail - you know you want to.

Someone certainly needs counselling and it ain't the clever handsome teenager...

[Secondsop]

What aurynne said. Perhaps the kid just is genuinely exceptional. Some people are, and are prepared to work hard to maintain high standards. No need to drag him down into mediocrity just for him to see what it feels like. If he is to fail at any point, then let it be on something he genuinely isn't brilliant at. When I went to Cambridge yes there were some who had a bit of a bump down to earth when they were no longer top of the class, but there were also plenty of others who felt for the first time that they were amongst their own kind. Give him the chance to find out for himself what kind of person he is.

When I was younger I always had to try everything and do everything. My mum would say to me "you don't have to do everything", because it was admittedly a bit of a pain for her to have to ferry me to loads of activities. But I knew even then that I might not get another go at trying out all these things, and found my mum's approach to be really dispiriting.

[lisianthus]

His dad, with the "where did you think you went wrong, let's work it out" is giving him the tools to help himself! Rather than worry about where he went wrong, he is able to sort it out next time. That's what you DO! You don't sit back and say "oh who cares, it's not important".

Your stepson is an extraordinary person with the abilities AND, more unusually, the self-discipline and determination to succeed. That's the kind of person who winds up doing amazing things, saving lives, making discoveries, leading others.

And YOU want to gaslight him with false failure unlil he becomes a "fuck it, let's spend my time on a beach" layabout?

Christ on a bike, if ever I saw a problem caused by your own cultural expectations of children, this is one.

And what Aurynne said.

[Apileofballyhoo]

I would worry too OP, and I admire you for caring about your DSS so much. My DS is 5 and has to have things perfect - rubbing out all his homework to start again. I am a perfectionist in some ways, as is my DH, and it can make life hard. YANU to research this and see how you could help DSS. He will need a lot of emotional support if he continues to be such a high achiever.

[lisianthus]

Seriously, stop seeing perfectionism as a problem. It doesn't have to be. When a heart surgeon has your chest open in front of her, do you want her to be thinking "oh, 51% is good enough, and Corrie is on in 2 hours", or do you want her to be thinking "I will not be satisfied unless I do this job to the best of my ability and my ability is pretty bloody good."?

Because this is the sort of thing your stepson will be doing in 20 years' time with his gifts and his attitude.

Natural self-discipline is a gift other people have to work hard to achieve. Be proud of him, don't try to take it away from him.

[SlumberingDormouse]

Secondsop - that's so true. I was one of those who loved being among 'my own kind' at Cambridge and felt very relieved not to be a 'freak' any more!

OP - are you jealous? Your DSS will learn how to handle his perfectionism, probably when he goes to a good uni and discovers that he won't be able to memorise 100% of the syllabus while having a stellar social life and excelling at several extra-curriculars (even the most gifted have to compromise somewhere). He'll adapt and probably still do extremely well. Leave him be and don't interfere.