B listed for brothers wedding

[jengeorge]

Hi, I am new to this and just wanted some advice please and views as Ive had 4 weeks of grief about my brothers wedding in the summer. Really unclear as what to do about it as it stands.

Some background. I have 2 bothers, we are not particually close and live 300 miles away. Neither brother has visited me in the last 8 years , and I have only seen them briefly at my mum and dads home. I do think there was ever a big falling out, we have all just lead very different lives and lived seperatly. I have been married 20 years, both brothers attended my wedding and I attended my first brothers wedding 21 years ago. Last time we are all together was for a golden wedding celebration 1 year ago.

Christmas time brother number 2 anounces he is marrying his GF of 18 years. March my mum tells me she has her invite. Three weeks later there no invite has appeared for me. After long phone calls it transpires my brother sent the email invite to a very old email address of mine( despite having used my current email for sending of photos in the last year). I then receive a email invite to the wedding reception at 3pm in a village hall. The wedding venue it seems only holds 20 people and me and my husband have not been invited to this. However my other brother and his wife and 3 children have all been invited to the wedding ceremony, for a pub lunch afterwards , as well as my godmother and my parents, and then on to the evening do.

I was really hurt by this and after much upset and tears , and my DH being mortified at being b listed decided we would have to decline the evening invite. There were many phone calls to brother and mum and dad to try and resolve this. Brother even at one point stated he was not accepting our not going as there would be " consequences" . . He has explained that the venue was picked in haste and they did not know it would be such a big deal for people wanting to be at the actual wedding. They feel that the evening reception is the highlight of the day and the wedding bit is just a formality.

I do know that my invite was different to my other family members as I have had my mum read out hers over the phone. She too has been very upset my this and my dad has even offered to give up his seat so I can go....obviously not going to happen. My brother will not admit that there was an a list and B list of invitees. He says he didnt think we would be going to come so thats why we were offered the evening invite only. He has since said that if it means that much to us ( which it does) being able to attend the wedding, he will somehow wangle it so we can be there. He does seem very concerned now as to what to tell people if his sister is not there.

On my last converstaion with my brother I asked then if he could send me and my husband a new invitiation and then we could put a line under the whole mess and start again. The converstaion ended with him laughing at me.

Oh Dear. What a mess. I do want to be at my brother wedding. I have asked if this anything do do with my SIL but appearenty not and she also has problems with having divorced parents who dont speak to other and are both invited and say they will not go if either of the others is there.

Am I being unreasonable in asking for a new invitiation ?

Seems we have created world war 3. I just dont know how 2 people in their 50s, both professionals with a reasonable amount of intellect having a low key informal wedding can have messed up and upset so many people. I say this as it appears some of my brothers friends and other realives invited to the evening only are upset. I have only heard this from my brother and have not discussed this with anyone other than my mum and brother involved, out of courtesy to my brother and SIL.

[cerealqueen]

It might have been a good idea of your DB to sound family out about this limited capacity wedding, but he had no idea how you would feel as you are not close? His threat sounds quite bizarre though.

This scenario is why we aren't married yet.... We can only afford a small wedding but I don't like my sister and brother so why have them as key people? It would be awkward pretending. However, my sister is an attention seeking sort who might get drunk and kick off at the wedding so we might have to invite her to keep her quiet.

Respect your brother's wishes, go to the party, be happy for him and enjoy the day. It's not about you.

[lisianthus]

YANBU. Normally I am all in the camp of people inviting whoever they want to their weddings, but this is your BROTHER. Immediate family. You haven't had a falling out, you just live a long way apart, so clearly you aren't going to be popping around every week. I think he has behaved dreadfully, firstly in singling you out as alone of the immediate family to get the downgraded invitation, then with the disingenuous "Oh, I didn't think you would want to see it, it's only the official bit". Really? He didn't think you would want to see the ACTUAL WEDDING part of the wedding? He didn't think that way for the rest of the family. If it's so boring and unimportant then they should get the evening invitations only too.

Finally he threatens you with "consequences"- what is he, 12? And laughs at you when you try to draw a line under it all and start afresh. Sod that for a game of soldiers.

If he had treated both siblings the same, I might be able to go with the "small venue" argument. But you don't completely include one sibling and their entire nuclear family and completely uninclude another unless you are estranged. Or want to be.

[ComposHat]

YABU - you've seen your brother once in eight years, by your own admission you are not close, but suddenly kick up a fuss when you aren't invited to a very small and intimate wedding. Why would you even want to be there, if you aren't that close? If you'd cared that much, surely you'd have made an effort to see him more often?

People on this thread seem to be conflating biologically closeness with emotional closeness. They aren't symbiotically linked.

[Cerisier]

Compos the OP saw him a year ago. They meet at their parents' house.

YANBU OP. You don't meet often due to distance but you are immediate family and should have been invited, with your parents and other brother, to the ceremony.

Given the pressure on places I think your DB should have discussed the details with you earlier. It isn't hard to pick up the phone. If it had been your decision to avoid the actual ceremony so his best friend or whoever could attend you would feel a lot happier about it.

Now you will remember this slight for the foreseeable future. I do feel for you.

[RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief]

Honestly, how many times in the last 8 years have you seen him by design and not by coincidence (i.e. both invited to same golden wedding celebration)? Are your brothers closer to one another than to you? Do they see one another by arrangement?

[jengeorge]

Thank you all for your replies. It has helped to think through the issues from all points of view, some of which we had not considered ourselves.

I spoke to my brother again last night and he has confirmed that he feels closer to my other brother and his family and has more contact with them. Thats ok and I feel I can live with that. He also says there will not be space in the ceremony room for me and my husband, but we can stand outside and join them for the pub lunch after the wedding and before the evening do. I dont think I can be at a wedding standing outside or just attend the pub lunch and or evening do without betraying my hurt and potentially ruining their day.

I still feel very hurt by this and we have decided ( for the second time) to politely turn down the invitation and wish then happiness for their day from afar. I really want this to be the end of this now, I feel it is affecting our long term chances of a decent friendly relationship.

There are no winners in this. Only loosers all round. Sad situation, but thats life. No point dwelling on it any more. Time to move on.

Thank you again for your opionions and help.

[cjel]

Hope you can have peace about this situation, and as you say send them loving greetings for the day. I think you have handled your hurt very well and hope they see your non attendance in the way its meant.x

[diddl]

I know that I would feel the same as you, OP as to me the ceremony is important.

Were it not for the distance though, I might suggest that you "get over yourself" & join then for the reception immediately following the ceremony rather than not be part of their "big day" at all.

[TooExtraImmatureCheddar]

Well, I think being offered the chance to stand outside is ridiculous. Oh yeah, just stand there, potentially in rain/wind, and wait for us all to come out. Also that not inviting his sister in the first place was wrong when he had invited his brother and family.

That said, I think you are now casting yourself as the victim and starting a self-pity party. That's not helpful for moving forwards and retaining some sort of relationship with your brother, if you want one.

How will your parents react now?

[StrangeGlue]

I would be upset too but I think you've made a bit of a me-me-drama out of it. You could have easily sorted this with a phone call to your brother saying "I'm a bit upset that I haven't been invited to the ceremony, can we talk about it?" All this involving your patents and demanding new invitations when he's clearly already booted someone else out to accommodate you is ridiculous!

[2rebecca]

I find the concept of 2 tier weddings odd. You either invite people to your wedding (and the wedding ceremony is the important bit) or you don't. To me just inviting someone to the party sends out a "we want you to buy us a present and travel to our wedding but don't like you enough to invite you to the important bit" message. My second wedding we just had about 20 people, just parents sibs and their kids. I can't imagine inviting one sib and not the other unless i really disliked them. If you don't have room for all your sibs at the venue then i think you'd be better just having a ceremony with a couple of witnesses and no relatives there than being so divisive.

[2rebecca]

I also find it odd if your brother didn't think you were going to come because you hadn't responded to his email before he'd even sent out the invitations. Surely a wedding invite is what it says on the tin and you can't decide if someone's coming or not until you actually invite them. My sibs are over 300 miles away but I phoned them to discuss my wedding date with them. With my larger first wedding I didn't assume someone wasn't coming until they had said no to the actual invitation, just not replying led to a follow up phone call.

[WorkingItOutAsIGo]

Op, please do reconsider. You are ruining the potential of a lifetime of a good relationship for one day. It's all been messily handled, but now is the time to take a deep breath, let go of the hurt and head on to the wedding. Just accept they made a mistake, and forgive them. There isnt room for you in the room itself, so meet them in the pub and celebrate with a glad heart. You will be so glad if you do, and your world will be different and better.

[shewhowines]

Why couldn't he have invited you to the pub even if there is not enough room at the ceremony. He should have done that originally.

YANBU to be upset but whats done is done.

By refusing the compromise though, you are basically waving goodbye to any future relationship with him. Are you ok with that? If not, then put it behind you and go with good grace. Another thing to consider - will it affect your relationship with the rest of the family? It might just be best to go and be done with it.

[shewhowines]

I wouldn't stand outside though but it might be ok to meet them at the pub

[cjel]

Just had a thought that if you do go I expect someone may find room for you to be in the room anway.

[Cerisier]

It isn't a compromise though is it? The OP is being offered a place in a corridor or outside. This is despite her explaining how hurt she felt and how she wanted to be there.

OP I think you are making the right decision. Your (D)B has shown that he doesn't want your company at the ceremony more than that of his nieces and nephews. Fair enough, you know where you stand (outside ). Looking on the bright side it will save you a fortune in costs.

(I do wonder where this small venue is. Even my sitting room could cope with more than 20 people)

[HappySeven]

Please read what WorkingItOut says. She speaks a lot of sense.

[Wishfulmakeupping]

Yanbu I certainly wouldn't be going especially after the threat sod them- its a shame that it will cause upset but their behaviour started this not yours

[Cerisier]

Happy shouldn't the OP have a bit of pride and refuse to be treated like a doormat? I would be massively insulted if my brother did this. I would not be smiling sweetly and turning the other cheek.

[ComposHat]

I would be massively insulted if my brother did this.

But then I guess you've seen your brother more than once in the past eight years (and then only briefly) I have seen more of my Dentist than the OP in the past decade than the OP has seen of her brother.

If I had such a distant relationship with a sibling I wouldn't be upset and shocked to discover I wasn't the centre of their Universe when it comes to wedding invitations.

[Snazzynewyear]

Cerisier I also wonder how it can possibly be so small! And, as I said in an earlier post, I can't understand why anyone would book such a small venue, even if they wanted a small wedding - you would surely end up elbow to elbow. It must either be incredibly cheap or be the most stunning small room venue in the world. Not that any of this helps the OP now, but still..

[arabesque]

YANBU. I would be incredibly hurt if my brother did this to me. I know you're not close but there's been no falling out or bad blood between you so surely you should have been right up there with parents and siblings at the very top of the guest list.
Your brother has behaved very badly over this and upset not just you but your parents as well. He needs to grow up and cop himself on.

[CabbageLeaves]

I think you have forgotten the fact that your brothers day is probably ruined by this fight. It's all about you and yet you admit you don't see him normally.

If it were my brother I'd want him to have his day as he wished It is their day after all

Whilst you feel hurt, you've reacted in a way to punish and upset someone on their wedding day. Not loving kind or sisterly.