At ex getting married and not telling the children - giving his reason of 'half sister' as to why

[AGivenNickname]

Sorry the post may be a bit long...

I have three DC. Two are with an ex whom I split up with ten years ago (various reasons). Since then we've all moved on. I have another DS with my now DP and the ex has another DD with is gf wife.

The children haven't seen their dad in person since Christmas. His relationship with them is very inconsistent, he can go months without seeing them, lets them down when he agrees to because he 'realizes' he had other things planned and never rearranges.

I have always kept the door open for the children to see their dad as I believe it is their choice.

Since the children have had extra siblings they have decided off their own backs to call my ds2 their 'brother' and my ex's DD as their 'half sister.' I have always referred to both as 'brother' or 'sister' but DD especially will use the two terms.

So last night he phones out of the blue to say he and his gf have got married a few weeks back. DS1 asked why he wasn't invited and was quite plainly told:

'I didn't think you'd be interested, especially since you and DD call x (his other dd) your half sister.'

AIBU to feel angry about the way ex has gone about all this? He has three kids at the end of the day and they should all be as equal as each other. The kids probably wouldn't have gone - but they should have been given the choice and at least notified beforehand?

And as for his reason well...

[strawberryswing]

I wouldn't blame your dd for washing her hands of him tbh, he does sound like a lousy father to your dc.

I get that there is no relationship between the dc but I still dont think there's any excuse for a 15 year old to be purposely mean spiritied and snide about a 6 year old child, no matter how strong minded they are. Whatever her father has done/not done, that is not his dds fault, shes only 6 and your dd is old enough to know better imo.

That said your ex is an arse to use this as an excuse about the wedding. He has a point about the half sister situation but he should have dealt with it separately to the wedding.

[sudaname]

waltermitty is that your stepdaughter do you mean ? As in she talks about her mums new family very differently to you and her dads ? Sorry couldn't quite follow that.
It is sad when children are used as pawns in this way - as said upthread the little girl is almost being made the villain of the piece just by existing. Her dad is mainly at fault for this as the 'adult' in this who has chosen to cite her as the reason for being ignorant with his other DCs. But what l think is particularly sad is that her 15yr old sister has picked up on this and seemingly carries some animosity towards this little girl as a result.
OP you are in a difficult position and are being more than fair to this little girl by correcting your DCs whenever they call her 'half''dsis. Problem is l suppose if you 'defend' her anymore to your DD especially it may seem her mum is also now on the little girls 'side' as well as her dad and might cause more resentment.

I know what l mean anyway

[AGivenNickname]

Oh believe me, I know it's wrong when she uses half, but what more can I do? I think she does it mainly to get at her father as she knows it gets right on his end.

I think she may hold a little resentment also, which is something I am going to try and talk to her dad about (if he will hold down a conversation instead of rave on.

It's not helped by the fact that they're all going on a 'family' holiday to Disneyland Paris at the end of the year. DD wasn't invited as they felt her 'too old' and not want to come so wasn't even asked. DS was, but only allowed if DP and I agreed to pay half as he is 'half my responsibility.' .

[sudaname]

Oh Given l hope you don't think l was suggesting you were using DCs as pawns - l meant your ex. As l said - especially with your 15 yr old DD it is difficult and you are being very fair about it by always defending the little girls sister status every time.

[waltermittymissus]

Suda sorry!

My sd lives with her mum and her 'real' sister whom she idolises and dotes on completely.

My children, she either ignores or acknowledges briefly and sporadically.

I'm sure it can't be personal as the eldest of them is only 6!

It hurts and, tbh, it has caused me to resent her in the past which is counterproductive for everyone!

[sudaname]

Ah l see - so the one she considers her 'real' sister must also technically be her half sister otherwise she would also be your DSD - have l got that right ?

God - families eh !

[strawberryswing]

Can I just say I also think its lovely that you're being so fair towards his dd and defending her status, and that your exh could take a leaf (whole tree) from your book.

As for what else you can do, I have no idea. Have you tried explaining how horrible she is being or suggesting other ways to piss him off? Sorry thats not helpful but I do feel for his dd, she shouldnt be used to get at him so to speak, she's only 6.

The disneyland thing is a total joke, he sounds like a totally useless lump and I cant see any point in your dd in maintaing the relationship with him (sorry if I offend). Does he offer anything positive to your childrens lives?

[waltermittymissus]

Yes that's it suda - all are halves technically, but she considers her mum's dd her 'real' sister!

[sudaname]

Gawd save us. I do wonder how much input there is from adults involved sometimes don't you aswell ! I mean if all adults involved were as fairminded as the OP l don't think the kids would get involved in the politics of who's who.

I'll Google for two desert islands shall l ?

[waltermittymissus]

Yes please! I'll grab the passport!