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AIBU?

Always same bedtime

63 replies

Snickersnoodles · 05/04/2013 07:35

I have a DD who is 8 months and my friend has a DD who has just turned 4 months.

We have both been invited to another friends house (who has 2 dc, toddler and school age) with our DC's for food, early evening.

My friend doesn't want to go as her DD goes to bed at a certain time and she doesn't want to alter this.

AIBU by thinking that it doesn't harm children to have an occasional change to their routine.

My DD is usually in bed for 7.30 but if we are out somewhere and it is later, then I don't worry about it. I did this with my older DS and he was a brilliant sleeper and still is at 7.

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innermuddle · 05/04/2013 08:23

I agree with previous posters that it depends on the baby. I have 5 children, 4 would cope with a change to their routine and so their sleep would not be affected by one late night. but my 4th baby (now 4) has very fragile sleep, a late night can lead to poor sleep for anything up to a week. before I had her I would have been shocked by the suggestion that one late night would make a significant difference to sleep.

redskyatnight · 05/04/2013 08:24

Depends on the child. IF DS got more than about 15 minutes past his "normal" bedtime he got overtired and we would have hours and hours of screaming inconsolable baby.

DD would quite happily sleep at whatever time suited, or just drop off to sleep wherever she was.

If your friend has a child of the type of DS I can quite understand why she wants to keep the bedtime the same (and quite frankly you don't want a screaming inconsolable baby ruining your evening either).

teacher123 · 05/04/2013 08:25

You sound very judgy about her choices. Her baby, her choice. I choose to not take DS out past his bedtime, as it would stress me out. He might settle beautifully, but the panic attack I would have about his sleep (or lack thereof) would not make for a relaxing evening. I am currently happy to socialise in the daytime, or leave DS at home with DH.

SneakyNinja · 05/04/2013 08:26

Good for you OP

I'm afraid a certain level of smugness shines through with your post. Many parents do make the decision to sacrifice a few nights out in order to stick to a routine. Its really no big deal.

Alternatively, you can go the other way and drag your baby around everywhere with you. Might work for some but that too has its consequences.

dreamingbohemian · 05/04/2013 08:28

How do you know she's never tried it?

YABU

I hate when people are judgy about routines. I think it's fair to say she knows her own child best and knows whether putting him to bed late is a good idea or not.

Snickersnoodles · 05/04/2013 08:32

I am judgey about things as are most people. I never denied that. I also accepted that IABU about this particular issue.

I did not however say I dragged me DC around everywhere. It happens occasionally as I said in my OP. And what consequences does it make for me if my DC's cope with this change. I have a 7yo DS who I did the same for and it never bothered him and he is a brilliant sleeper.

Obviously other babies are not the same. How is this smug. I'm sure my DC's have other bad points that other babies don't have.

OP posts:

JassyRadlett · 05/04/2013 08:39

Are you sure she's never tried messing with the routine, even a tiny bit, and knows the consequences?

FWIW, I used to take my DS out at nights a lot until he was about three months when he needed to be in bed - not in a pushchair or car seat - by half seven at the latest. If he wasn't, cue screams. If you put him to bed in someone else's house and had to move him to wake him up, screams, followed by ages trying to get him back to sleep.

He's a lot easier and more flexible at 18 months but we still rarely both go out at night and take him with us and I don't know many other parents who do that sort of thing either. We don't have family locally and I'm not sure what you're trying to get at with your comment about it being a long couple of years because they don't have family nearby. Can't people socialise during the day or without dragging their kids along? In fact my friends and I have a babysitting circle so that we can all go out without our toddlers and without having to spend a fortune on babysitters. But then, we're a supportive group of people.

Wishihadabs · 05/04/2013 08:40

Blimey OP we are blessed with 2 dcs who we have pretty much always been able to cart about with us without it impacting on their nightime sleep.

However I have friends for whom this simply isn't an option. If their dcs are not in bed at the right time, the whole family's sleep is messed up. Interestingly these aren't people who are generally controlling or routine driven, in the vast majority of cases I would say they are more laidback than me. They would all love to have dcs as portable as ours. So YABVVU and judgey let your friend get on with it her way. Ultimately she is the one missing out not you.

weegiemum · 05/04/2013 08:41

When our dc were small we lived very rurally, and so pretty much any socialising involved being out after bedtime (we always knew we were on schedule if we could hear the "Archers" theme tune as dc was getting out of the bath!

So rather than never seeing anyone, we worked really hard at getting the dc to accept a routine wherever we were. We'd do bedtime wherever we happened to be, had a travel grobag that worked with a car seat, and a travel cot.

Dc got to stay in a rough routine, we got to have dinner with friends with child asleep in another room.

It was brilliant with dd1 and dd2. Ds was in between, he liked it less but I think that was because he was terminally curious about everything from about 2 weeks old. But he'd grizzle a bit, have a bf and go down ok.

I've got a (loose) theory that dc sort their routine round the parent. The most chilled people I know have dc with pretty much no routine. The most uptight people I know (one of dh's flat mates from uni and his wife) have a minute-to-minute routine with children now all at school - they visited us when their ds1 was 1 year and freaked as we didn't have blackout blinds - to calm the "situation" I ended up taping layers of bin bags over the windows!

Let your friend do as she wishes. But I think it doesn't have to be that way, but am prepared to be flamed for that opinion!

Chocoflump · 05/04/2013 08:43

I don't like to change 7month DDs bedtime, so would probably decline. She gets supper and last bottle at 7.15 and in bed for 7.45. She's stuck in this routine too, come 7pm she's a grumpy little madam and I wouldn't want that in a friends house!

SneakyNinja · 05/04/2013 08:45

I was merely stating the other side of the coin when it comes to taking babies out. Some people NEVER deviate from routine, some don't even have one. Most do something in between.
What is smug is the assumption that your friend can not possibly have a good enough reason for her choice. Well done for doing what worked for you, now step back and stop assuming that she'll regret her choice later. And whatever you do, please don't try to share your 'concerns' with her.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight · 05/04/2013 08:45

Pretty soon it will all be messed up for her when teething starts

Chocoflump · 05/04/2013 08:45

Oh and FWIW I'm an extremely laid back person too, I don't really follow a routine during the day, we just take each day as it comes!

teacher123 · 05/04/2013 08:47

I am always envious of laid back people who can be flexible, but I just can't! I know that I am massively highly strung and anxious about DS and his sleeping, and it all stems from him being beyond AWFUL for the first six months. Routine was the thing that I clung to, and now that things are better, I am too scared to rock the routine boat and mess with it, and I cannot bear the idea that things could return to what they were. Irrational? Yes. I am finally seeking help for this, and I KNOW that people have judged me for how strict I am with DS and his routine. The fact that people do doesn't help. So maybe just have a bit of empathy, she may feel that she has no choice.

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs · 05/04/2013 08:48

Fairylea - please don't use the phrase "throw a fit". I find it offensive. I have epilepsy, and it likens a seizure to a toddler tantrum. Which it isn't.

GoodtoBetter · 05/04/2013 08:51

Maybe she just doesn't want to go and it's a handy excuse?

Wishihadabs · 05/04/2013 09:00

Wedgie Mum I'm not sure I agree. I think there is a large intrinsic element to personality (likely genetic) which we have been conditioned not to consider. It is massively unfair on parents to suggest that having "easy" or "difficult" dcs is or ever was in their hands. The blank slate is very good on this.

dreamingbohemian · 05/04/2013 09:05

teacher -- I know what you mean. This is why I don't like people being judgy about routines. You never know what's really going on with people.

Fairylea · 05/04/2013 09:37

Couthy - I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to be offensive in any way whatsoever and didn't even register that it could be intended in that way. My dh is actually epileptic himself and regularly uses the phrase "throwing a fit" when light heartedly talking about our children having a moan etc so I never even thought of it being offensive to someone with epilepsy. My apologies.

Snickersnoodles · 05/04/2013 09:38

I know she hasn't tried because she has told me she hasn't.

I was not being particularly judgey about her having a long few years as I would help her out with babysitting. However this is the other thing she won't do. She won't leave her dd with anyone and says she won't until she is 3. However she is planning another child reasonably quickly so by the time that child is 3 it will be at least 4.5 years of not going out together at all with dc or without.

Ok, I know IABU but that would drive me mad and I am not that big on going out all the time.

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KayHunt · 05/04/2013 09:43

YADBU. Why should she leave her child while she is so young? Just because it would drive you mad it doesn't mean it would her. Her parenting style is different to yours and as a friend you should respect that.

dreamingbohemian · 05/04/2013 09:47

OP -- I hear you, I don't personally understand people who stop going out entirely when they have kids.

It sounds like actually she just doesn't want to go out and her saying it's the routine is just an excuse.

But 4 months is so young, she may change her mind down the line.

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MsVestibule · 05/04/2013 10:10

I was very, very routine driven when my DCs were that young. I'm normally quite a laidback person, but not when it came to their routine. I thought I was coping well and had a fairly easy baby first time round, but upon reflection, I think it was The Routine that made me feel I had some level of control over my life. Once they got to about 2yo, I became much more laidback about meal and bed times.

I know you've admitted YABU, but I don't think you believe that you are really . Which is fair enough, but please, don't let on to her that you think SIBU in any way, shape or form. Especially don't say 'each to their own', or similar.

Snickersnoodles · 05/04/2013 10:10

Yes I suppose she could change her mind but she loved going out way more than I have ever done. Not in a clubbing way but just eating out with friends, etc. I just can't believe that being a mother can change your personality that much. But maybe she will given time.

Very hard to manage to hold on to our friendship though if she can't go out and she won't have people at hers once dd is in bed. I go back to work in month so daytime visits will stop then too.

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Snickersnoodles · 05/04/2013 10:15

I have never said anything to her and won't. I still believe that it won't do them any harm but IABU to expect others to do the same.

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