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AIBU?

to not want to stay an extra night at inlaws so dh can go drinking

39 replies

GreenLeafTea · 01/04/2013 05:44

My husband's grandmother died on Sunday. We left Sunday night to stay with his parents. At first we weren't sure when the funeral would be so we were going to take the cat with us. Just before we left we got a text saying the funeral would be Tuesday morning so we had a quick discussion and decided to return home Tuesday night and leave the cat for 2 days on his own.

My father in law has asked dh to do some funeral related stuff on Monday night so my husband now wants to stay an extra night so he can go drinking with his old school friends on Tuesday night.

I really don't want to stay an extra night as I'm worried about the cat and because I find it quite hard work at his parents house. We have three young (active!!) kids and their house really isn't child friendly for example medicine on the sideboard, ornaments everywhere. We didn't bring any toys and the kids are bored already. Also sister in law is staying with her young baby. She hasn't said anything but I think she is a bit stressed with the noise and can't get her baby to sleep. It's a pretty full house.

We had already planned a visit here next month even though dh is now saying he's not sure if he can get the time to work to come.

On the one hand I don't want to be a bitch and say he can't go out but on the other hand I feel he is putting everyone out just for his own selfishness.

OP posts:

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GreenLeafTea · 04/04/2013 14:12

I wanted to add my inlaws aren't usually so rude but I think they were stressed out by the situation and didn't really want us there. In their culture it is usual for a woman to stay with her parents for a while after giving birth so I think they just assumed we would know this whereas it had genuinely not occurred to me. Dh is not the most socially sensitive person so he never thought about it or he never thought it would be an issue. He does generally take his parents advice over mine which drives me crazy but again I think it is usual in his culture and a sign of respect.

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GreenLeafTea · 04/04/2013 13:26

No, I'm pretty sure his family did mind though. Sister in law was very stressed out about the baby and mother in law made no effort to be hospitable really. She never even left out towels or food for us. I get she was busy with other things but dh was busy with the funeral so I was stuck trying to entertain 3 very young kids on my own in a non child friendly environment. I was exhausted!

We had discussed leaving after dinner so the kids would sleep in the car so I took them out after the funeral while they all went for lunch (kids and I weren't invited). Dh then called to ask where I was as we were leaving at four. I said I thought we were leaving after dinner so I didn't get back til 5pm. His parents expected us to leave straight away. I didn't even get time for a cup of tea! I found it very rude to be honest but they are quite set in their ways and I think they were worried about us driving back late in case we fell asleep at the wheel as it is dangerous but I genuinely don't mind driving at night and I find it a lot less stressful driving when the road is quiet and the kids aren't shouting and fighting.

Dh wanted to stop at 6pm at a service station for dinner but the older kids were sleeping so he just took took the toddler in. Then he wanted me to drive for a bit but the toddler started screaming as she wanted to sit next to me. This woke the older kids up who never slept again. Eventually the toddler slept the last bit so I could take over but dh spent a lot of the journey driving like a mad man because he was tired and wanted to get home which I HATE.

The thing is, I said from the beginning it was a bad idea for the kids and I to go but he really wanted us there. I really had no idea sister in law was staying there either.

Now I don't want to go and leave the kids there in May but he says he will probably be working so can't watch them here at home. He wants to invite his parents to come and stay instead but I just feel they were so rude to us even though I don't think they see it that way at all.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 04/04/2013 02:13

How are things generally, OP? Does he do his share round the house, do you get time to see friends or pursue hobbies? Because you do sound, a little bit, determined to be a funsponge and create problems where there aren't any: if he is saying that his own family don't mind the liveliness of the DC but you are flapping constantly, it could be that you are oversensitive and overanxious. But also, it could be that he constantly puts his own interests ahead of your and DCs' wellbeing and this is just another example of it.

GreenLeafTea · 04/04/2013 01:37

I just wanted to update:

I spoke to him again before he left for the funeral home and he was still pretty determined to go drinking and was very defensive about it. However the next morning he phoned me and asked what I wanted to do and suggested we head back. I guess his parents had a word with him. When we got back the cat was very pleased to see us but sounded a bit hoarse.

Thanks for the help!

OP posts:

GreenLeafTea · 01/04/2013 10:56

Thanks. Dh is very laid back so he doesn't see the problems. It's his parents house so if I'm tired hell tell me to go and take a nap and his parents will watch the kids but they are busy today. I'll take the kids to the park for a bit.

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lottiegarbanzo · 01/04/2013 09:48

Has he really not learnt by now that you are more perceptive about other people's feelings and meanings than he his, so he should believe you? Or is this just because it's his family, so he's very relaxed with them?

Are you taking care of the children all the time while he 'does his own thing'? Perhaps if he was responsible for them for a few hours he'd notice.

Obviously this arises partly from the division of labour in your relationship, which isn't going to be changed by one conversation. If he's entrusting child care to you though, he needs to take your concerns on that subject seriously. He can't have it both ways, not do it and not take seriously the person who does.

How about a chat with your MIL? Be honest about your concerns and see what she'd really prefer, then either talk to DH together, or you convey quietly what she's really feeling but hasn't wanted to say.

swallowedAfly · 01/04/2013 09:48

ok well i was responding to the scenario - if you're now saying he's always dismissive of your concerns and selfish then obviously that changes things and this particular event is not your biggest problem.

GreenLeafTea · 01/04/2013 09:33

He's just very dismissive about my concerns. He just does his own thing so he doesn't notice mil getting stressed about them touching her stuff or sil getting stressed about the baby being woken up. When I apologies to them, they say its fine and they don't mind. So, he thinks its fine but I don't.

I have a conference next month so the plan was for him to come with the kids to stay with his parents and look after the kids together while I'm away. So in theory he could go drinking then. In the summer I'm going with the kids to visit my parents abroad so he could come and visit his parents then.

OP posts:

EostreChaoticResurrEggtion · 01/04/2013 09:29

I'd be concerned about the cat, not to mention the state of your house. I took the dc on holiday one year, this time for a week instead of the usual Mon - Fri. I arranged for the cats to be looked after as I'd done on the other occasions. One of my cats always used a litter tray, she would be out for hours come in use the tray and then go out again. This time she wee'd and pooed in various places in the house for the next few days so if your cat is the sociable type, she was too, then don't be surprised if being left alone causes something similar.

I think you need to come home with or without your DH.

Emilythornesbff · 01/04/2013 09:20

Agree with lottie

Brunocat · 01/04/2013 09:16

Take the kids out for the day - make sure DH knows that you are doing him a big favour and let him go out. Don't think it's a big deal. Wouldn't be that bothered about the cat as long as they are not starving.
Next time you go to in-laws take stuff for the kids to do.

lottiegarbanzo · 01/04/2013 09:11

Well have you explained all this to your DH? What is his take on the cat, his parents, the bored children? Is he actually saying 'sod all that, I'm more important and I want to go out. I don't care about he consequences, you'll just have to deal with them'? Does he disagree that any of these issues matter? Or does he have some solutions to offer?

I think you need to talk to him and explain the consequences as you see them and why you are concerned.

ENSMUM · 01/04/2013 09:06

Its not really about drinking is it though? Its catching up with old friends who presumably he doesn't live near anymore so doesn't often get the chance to do.

GreenLeafTea · 01/04/2013 09:04

I admit we fucked up about the cat. I put all his stuff in the car ready to go but then one of the kids let him out so we couldn't find him. We were panicking a bit so I put his stuff back in the house and left the patio door open slightly but I didn't feel safe about that at all. Luckily he arrived home at that point so we just put him in and shut the door. In retrospect I should have askedu neighbour to watch him. He wouldn't have minded. I put fresh kitty litter down in preparation for the car.

I am tired. I don't mind driving but the kids were really bored in tha car so I was trying to keep them entertained the whole way. That's why I want to drive back at night in the hope they sleep. Then I could drive and dh could sleep or relax. Then we could all relax at home on Wednesday. I suspect my inlaws would also like some space too. That's why I feel husband is being selfish.

I suspect if I suggest we go home first he will refuse and come with us. But he will think I'm being PA.

The kids are bored and fighting non-stop. I think if I took them out for the day on Wednesday it would be better but I still feel bad about the poor cat.

OP posts:

KobayashiMaru · 01/04/2013 08:53

Seeing old friends would be more important to me than a cat, but I don't think either of you is being U. Just wanting different things. Surely you can talk about it and decide amicably between yourselves?

northcountrygirl · 01/04/2013 08:37

I think if you have no one at all to see to the cat, you have no choice but to return home. I agree with happy dog too - as a fellow cat owner I can predict the cat litter is going to be particularly pungent already!

HollyBerryBush · 01/04/2013 08:34

Personally I wouldn't want a 7 hour drive after I'd just buried my grandmother and culturally I would expect a wake afterwards. I appreciate from the wake perspective the DH in this instance is of a different culture so the wake is pre-funeral. But I still wouldn't fancy a 7 hour drive if I were him.

Sometimes you just have to cut some slack.

HappyDogRedDogToss · 01/04/2013 08:12

I'm wincing from here about the amount of free range cat shit you will be returning to. It's going to smell.

Emilythornesbff · 01/04/2013 08:10

So what would happen if you and DCs go home? Or you all go home?

MrsCampbellBlack · 01/04/2013 08:10

I'd actually be really worried about the cat. Are you sure you've left enough food and water for over 3 days?

LadyWidmerpool · 01/04/2013 08:07

I think when you have a pet its welfare trumps your convenience. (Which is why I'll never have one.) I think you need to get back to your poor cat and next time give the neighbour a key. Anything can hold you up when you are travelling.

brettgirl2 · 01/04/2013 08:06

yanbu at all.

Emilythornesbff · 01/04/2013 08:05

This could be off the point but I find it abit annoying that there seems to be a common acceptance that a build up of stress requires a spouse (usually DH it has to be said) to "escape" his family and seek emotional sustinence from mates and pubs. I think it's different from the fact that we all need a friends outside from our family or a break from our usual routine. Often seems to be a bit of a one way street.

StealthPolarBear · 01/04/2013 08:00

Holly, he may "need" to go out with his friends, which is fine, but presumably he doesn't need his wife and children to be bored and frustrated at his parents' house at the same time?

swallowedAfly · 01/04/2013 07:58

if you really want to get home then drive home and let him get the train the next day. stick to your original plan of wearing them out in the afternoon and then drive home.

you've said he's been working like crazy - then he's had to take the only time off he may be able to get to deal with all this so i can totally understand wanting to at least catch up with his friends whilst he's there given he won't get time off again.

it isn't exactly fair on you but give and take would dictate that there'll be a time when you need a bit 'extra' and won't want him begrudging it i think.

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