to start to reduce our playdates because her son is naughty?

[Theicingontop]

I have an old neighbour with a son four months younger than mine (they both have their third birthdays this year), so every week or so we have playdates. With the weather being as it has the last few months they've mainly been inside, and usually at my house because I have more room.

The thing is, her son has always had a bit of a temper, and it hasn't been a huge problem until recently when he's started to get a bit stronger. That coupled with the fact she's 6 months pregnant, it's getting harder to control him physically. He runs riot in my house, today he broke a lamp, pulled all plugs out of their sockets, threw wooden playfood at my son's head and tried to knock the TV off its stand. He's broken countless toys and ripped countless books to date. It's getting a bit much.

Would I look like a precious cow if I asked if we could stop for now and resume when the weather's better, so we could meet up outside?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Theicingontop, I've always played the "my house, my rules" card, i.e. I feel perfectly entitled to discipline any child within my walls. I've always found that other people's children are less willing to push my boundaries than they are willing to push their mothers' - not because I am scary, but because they don't know me well enough to know what I will do IYSWIM. They know e.g. that their mother will make a limp (channels Joyce Grenfell) 'George, don't do that' and then nothing, but they don't know what I will do if disobeyed (although a few have found out ).

Would you feel comfortable discipling him yourself? Or have you tried already, and he continues?

Or, could you suggest, regardless of you having more space, that the next playdate is at her place? And if she asks, DO tell her you'd rather it was at hers because of the damage he leaves in his wake. Because I really do feel you do someone a disservice by being too diplomatic over this; the eventual result is that the child won't be invited by anyone ever again .

[PomBearWithAnOFRS]

Just tell her the truth. Why lie? Just don't invite them round again, and if she tries to "invite herself" so to speak, just say "oh no thanks, I couldn't cope with running behind trying to stop him trashing my house again"
What is the point of faffing about and making excuses and dancing round the facts and giving yourself more stress?
Hopefully when she realises her son is not going to just somehow miraculously raise/discipline himself, she might start actually parenting him and they can both be happier and welcome to visit places.

[essexmumma]

I just want to thank you for this thread, I could have written myself. Been on a play date today with DD and it was horrible - even got knocked round the head myself I am reading with interest...

[thezebrawearspurple]

The problem here is the mother prefers to smack him on the hand (which obviously isn't working) to putting him on the naughty step (which did when you tried it) because she can't be arsed investing any energy using methods that actually work on him. I think you should be a little bit honest for her sons sake because she's going to turn him into an isolated, avoided child and that is unnecessarily cruel.

I would just say that you can't afford to have him over anymore because it involves constantly having to replace broken items and repair damage to the house so until she house trains him you'll have to meet outside. After that it's up to her, if she says she can't discipline him, have some parenting books available (pretend you've found them very helpful) on hand to give to her.

[Cherriesarelovely]

Pom, you are probably right in saying that the OP ought just to be honest but people rarely take that sort of remark well! In my experience if people have children that behave like that (and they DON'T discipline them) they probably think their children's behaviour is normal or at least acceptable and take great exception to being told that it's not.

The one and only time I was honest with a friend about something like this they were absolutely livid with me and have never spoken to me again! Despite this I don't exactly regret telling the truth- I definitely don't miss their very badly behaved, rude, destructive children- but I think in the future I might be tempted just to distance myself. Harder if you are neighbours though.

[NoWayNoHow]

YANBU - my DS had his first play date with a boy he knows who has a bit of a reputation as trouble recently. Said boy (5yo) taught DS (same age) to say "fuck". Therefore, their first play date will be also be their last!

You're perfectly within your rights to protect your home and your child.

[purples]

As its an "old" neighbour, I assume you've moved house, so does that mean that there is very little chance of them going to the same primary school? If they are going to be in the same class, then you're going to have contact of some sort for the next 8 years!
In your position, I'd avoid play dates for a while, the other mother is taken advantage of you (it may be very unknowingly, but she is still taking advantage of your good nature), your son is physically suffering, as is your house.
In the better weather you want to have play dates outside? But is his behaviour to your child acceptable?? He seems to be breaking your DS possessions and throwing things at your DSs head. So...if the play date was outside, then yes your house would suffer less, but by the sound of it, your son would still suffer.

[WafflyVersatile]

Maybe say that if you're going to continue having playdates at your house (your rules) you get to use the naughty step with him.

It's not doing him any favours letting him run riot like this and she might pick up the habit if she sees it working with you.

From my experience (of watching super nanny ) naughty steps don't work because parents don't do it properly.

[BOEUF]

I'd just be honest: "Let's leave playmates until the weather improves and they can work their energy off outdoors, shall we?"

[MsAkimbo]

YANBU. The fact you still want contact at all makes you a saint. Children breaking toys purposely makes my piss boil.

[DontmindifIdo]

Well, it shouldn't be too long of stalling, the weather's supposed to improve after Easter...

She might not like toddler groups, but keep inviting her to go with you, send her messages (to get in first!) saying things like "I'm taking DS to the toddler group at X this morning, do you want to come too? Would be nice to chat to you while they play with some new toys."

Ideally, introduce her to other friends at those toddler groups, if she can realise that they have nice people in them too it might help. But it's easter, it's easy to be busy for the next fortnight.

Does your DS enjoy spending time with her DS? He might not actually like this.

[LandofTute]

If your house is bigger then it doesn't mean you have to have more playdates at your house. My house is very small, but it has never occurred to me to think that we should go to other people's houses more often. I always take my turn having people over. I make sure the kids have plenty of toys available, but they often make up their own pretend games anyway, so the space doesn't seem to be an issue.

[Theicingontop]

I do think that her house being smaller isn't an issue, I think it's more of the fact that her DH is at home all day and she likes to spend time away from him for a bit. Which is fine, I totally get that playdates can also be a break for the parent too, but I'd quite like my house to be in a reasonable state when she leaves, which it never is, so it's hardly a treat for me. I'm still trying to find all the hungry hippo balls...

My son absolutely loves this boy, won't shut up about him! He loves company.

[pinkyredrose]

Has she offered to pay for the damage her son caused?

I would just be honest, tell her that unless her son can behave then he's not welcome at your house as he destroys so much stuff.

[QuintEggSensuality]

Yanbu.
She is using your house as free soft play. Works well for her! What in it for you?
Id say she is not much of a friend, more of a user.

[LandofTute]

You need the travel hungry hippo as you can't lose the balls from it.
I've got a friend whose kids used to trash my house and damage things and it used to drive me and my husband mad.

[DontmindifIdo]

Sorry, you need to be firmer - she doesn't like going to toddler groups so she's doing the break from her house at yours - I'd line up a different group to be going to each day if you can, invite her along but make it clear you won't cancel going and invite her to yours instead. If she actually went and got to know people, she'd probably find (bar a couple of cowbags) they won't judge her for being a young mum although might judge her for having a nightmare DS

Is her DS at pre-school yet?

[diddl]

Are you bothered about losing her as a friend-would your son miss hers?

If not-stop seeing them & tell her why.

Surely she sees the trail carnage that her son leaves in his wake?

So if you said that you just can't stand any more breakages, it would hardly be a surprise to her?

[Theicingontop]

The playgroup mums don't judge me at all and I'm only a couple of years older than her, or maybe I'm just ignorant to it

She was mortified that he'd broken the lamp. There was glass everywhere so she helped clean it up, but she didn't offer to pay for it no, and she left soon after. They're struggling for money so I'd feel bad taking it anyway tbh.

[maninawomansworld]

How about being honest and asking if you can stop playdates until his behaviour has improved?
If asked to clarify then say, 'well he's recently broken xyz and runs riot and I don't really think it's very fair.'

[hairtearing]

I agree that is waaay to much damage and needs to be nipped in the bud, but I also have sympathy for looking after ac child who is hyperactive whilst pregnant, maybe shes is just too exhausted?

I have been there, its like being drugged and being asked to train a giddy puppy.