Oh God, this is possibly going to get me the biggest flaming ever but I really don't know if I am BU or not...

[MarmaladeTwatkins]

Last year, I started paying in to a life insurance policy that will pay out a lump sum to DH/DS in the event of my death. My mum was asking what had prompted me to take out such a thing (she thinks that planning for when you are not here is morbid, especially at my age) and I said the normal things... to leave DH/DS with some money to to with whatever they choose, to pay for my funeral...

My mum goes "I've got nothing to leave for my funeral" I said "Well maybe you should think about setting one up too? It only needs to be about a tenner a month, maybe even less" She went "Mmmmm... nah."

Obviously, I really, really don't want to think about my mum dying but it IS going to happen at some point :( If the absolute worst were to happen in the near future, I would have no money to pay for her funeral costs. I really thought that most normal people paid for their funeral costs via life insurance/savings etc? I know all of my grandparents did, MIL has cover set up. I don't know what my mum is expecting of me, though. I made a vague noise of concern about it and she went "Ha ha just roll me in a rug and chuck me in a river! That'll be fine with me" I really think that she thinks that there will be some kind of budget option of funeral that will cost me £50. I really don't want to press her on this as it's grim.

AIBU?

[CocktailQueen]

PS my BIL was 60. Only four years older than the OP's mother.

[stressyBessy22]

I realise what people are saying about the state paying for a very basic funeral for her but as a surviving child, I am not really likely to let that happen

but that is the crux of it.Your mum doesn't care if she has a 'paupers funeral'.It's you who doesn't want it , therefore it's unreasonable to expect your mum to pay.
Also she is only 56!! I would be a bit pissed at my DC harping on about my funeral if I was still in my 50s!!!

[MarmaladeTwatkins]

I have lost two relatives in the last two years, both under 55. :(

[firesidechat]

can i ask what happens if someone dies leaving nothing and the family just refuse to pay anything or take out any sort of payment plan thing for a funeral? what happens to the body

Sorry if this has already been answered. As I understand it, the government has a funeral fund for circumstances like this and this will pay for a very basic funeral.

My parents have a funeral plan with a well known company. Knowing them they've probably chosen their coffins etc too. I will probably do the same at some point, but in the meantime there is plenty in the bank account to pay for a funeral. I wouldn't leave my children to pay, as even a no frills funeral is very expensive.

[MarmaladeTwatkins]

I haven't "harped on" Where have I said that I have harped on? I mentioned it once.

[GlaikitHasHerFizzBack]

All it is is putting a little away each month say £10

10x12=£120 x 10 years £1200 won't cover the whole lot, but is a step in the right direction.

The thing abut the plans like sunlife etc is you have to keep paying or you get nothing back. You mum could realistically live for another 30 years. A plan like that wouldn't be advisable in all seriousness here for your mother. I would suggest a savings scheme, isa or similar tbh.

And emmeline, stated funded funerals are for those with no known next of kin. There would be no mourners, no hymns, no frills at all. a mass cremation and ashes put in a pot, may aswell be a marg tub.
There is a grant you can get of you are the family of someone who has died and you are in receipt of certain benefits, but if the NOK is working you get nothing at all. T suggest the op leave her mother, in the event of her death, to be cremated by the state, I find that quite disgusting.

[ElsieMc]

This is always a difficult subject but I have just gone through it. My DM left £10,000 in her bank account, out of which my brother and I received £1,000 each. The rest went to her last month's care home bill, legal fees and miscellaneous, the dearest of which by far was the funeral directors at in excess of £3,200. So no, you are absoloutely NBU to be a bit put out by this.

It is correct that funeral expenses come top of the list but you are not going to get anything under £1,000. My friend's partner, from whom she was separated, died last year and he specified the cheapest funeral possible and for everyone to have a happy wake (if that's possible). It still came in at over £1,000.

There is certainly money to be made from death, but it is a shame it should be a burden to those left behind.

[MarmaladeTwatkins]

Emmeline, whilst there are still other living relatives you think that I would allow my mother to be mass-cremated? Perhaps you don't care what your relatives think of you, but I do.

[FloatyBeatie]

It seems like it would be worth suggesting that she open a savings account, not primarily for her funeral expenses of course but for anything that might crop up during her life that she needs a lump sum for. But life insurance would almost certainly be a very expensive and over-elaborate way of generating a small lump sum on death. You aren't her dependent anymore -- she has no reason to generate any lump sum at death other than for funeral, so the fact that you have life insurance doesn't at all translate into thinking it would be a good idea for her.

I'm 50, and TBH I would feel offended if an adult child of mine thought it would make more sense to suggest that I start saving for my death than suggest that I saving flexibly, for all of the uncertainties of the decades more life I might have, generating a sum that would help in the event of my death but was not earmarked for my death.

[firesidechat]

We live in the same road as a large cemetery/crem and have hearses passing several times a day. Can't help but think about what I would want when I die. My family already know what coffin (wicker) and flowers I would like and it doesn't feel at all morbid. I want a cheerful sendoff.

[MarmaladeTwatkins]

Jeez, why would anyone be offended that their child cares about what happens to their parent's body when they die?! We can't both be flippant about this, one of us needs to think about it.

Yes, 50 is young. So is 43. Tell that to my colleague's bereaved husband who lost her at such a young age. Why do people think that they are years from death?! We just don't know when it will happen. It's stupid to think that you don't need to think about it because you're "only" 50.

[TolliverGroat]

But if that's what your mother would want to happen, why should she save up thousands out of her money to pay for the option that you'd prefer?

Now, it's entirely possible (probable, even) that she wouldn't, actually, want a pauper's cremation with no one present. And that is something to clarify very carefully with her when she's in a less flippant mood. But if she does, after full and sober consideration, want that, then it's hard to justify that she should instead pay out for something she doesn't want.

[SoMuchToBits]

I can understand your concerns, OP. My mum died recently, and although we had a very basic funeral, it was still not cheap! Fortunately she had left more than enough money to cover it. My friend and her dh weren't so lucky though. The dh's brother died, leaving practically no money at all and no property. The dh had to pay for the funeral (he was the only surviving relative), money they can ill afford at the moment. The deceased brother was in his 50s.

[Ashoething]

Funerls cost a bomb-my family had to take out a bank loan when my gf died as he didnt have any sort of life insurance or savings-just couldnt afford it even though he had worked hard all his life

When we lost our first dc the hospital advised us that some funeral directors will cover some of the costs of a childs funeral. We still had to pay about £800 though-10 years ago-this covered the burial plot,flowers and 2 cars for the family to travel in.We went on to lose 2 other dcs so they share the plot but cant afford a headstone which breaks my heart.

My mum is very sorted when it comes to this stuff and I know she has her funeral costs covered plus some left over to be split between her 3 dcs.

I ofte ask dh about sorting out life insurance-he is older than me-but he says we cant afford it and I do worry as only have cb in my name.

[BlackMaryJanes]

Very brief cremation that keeps with the deceased beliefs with a cheap coffin. No service, no flowers, no prayers or hymns, just a few words spoken by the person performing the service. The ashes are put into a plastic lined cardboard box and kept for a year if not claimed.

Bill picked up by the tax payer?

[SarahBumBarer]

Well then Marmalade - your last few posts have made clear that your desires for your DM's funeral are all about you - what you feel is appropriate, what you want/don't want for her what you feel people will think about you if you allow the state to pay so then yes - it should be you who pays for this.

[MarmaladeTwatkins]

That is the thing, Tolliver. I KNOW she won't want a funeral with no-one present. I know her well enough to know this. She is a proud woman and would be embarrassed if that was what she had. And as others have said, a state-funded funeral is only for those with no next of kin. My mum has me and my brother.

Sorry for the loss of your mum and BIL, SoMuch

Ashoething, that is terrible. So sorry for your losses. :( What an awful time you must have had.

[SarahBumBarer]

Yes BlackMary - on the basis that in such circumstances it is a public health issue not a humanist/religious issue.

[Xmasbaby11]

I think you are being responsible to speak to your mum about this. Death is upsetting at any time, and lack of money/will/insurance can only make matters worse. Of course you would end up paying for a nice funeral out of your own pocket, but this would stretch you financially and I'm sure your DM would not want this.

[MarmaladeTwatkins]

Well, yes, Sarah.

I am assuming that to get the state to pay for a funeral, I would have to relinquish myself as next of kin. Why would I do that? Wouldno-one else be concerned about familial relations deteriorating if you relinquished yourself of all responsibility for a deceased parent? I wish I had your thick skin, Sarah...

[MarmaladeTwatkins]

I'm not saying that I want her to have a big fuck-off Eastenders style shindig with horses and a glass carriage.

Just to have some mourners, songs that she likes and a headstone.

[KobayashiMaru]

My mother was 3 years younger than OP's mother when she died suddenly. I had to take out a loan to pay for the funeral that took me two years to pay off, while I had a young baby and very little money.

no way is OP being unreasonable.

[HintofBream]

The state won't pay if there are family members who can 'reasonably be expected' to cough up, children, siblings etc.

[Viviennemary]

I don't think it's very sensitive to ask your Mum to set up a funeral plan fund even though it's not unreasonable to think she should have one.

[Ashoething]

Just remembered-my dh's uncle had a funeral paid for by the state. He was a life long alcoholic and noone had seen him in years. Family found out he had died after the police put an appeal in the newspaper Mil refused to let fil pays for funeral-even though they could afford it-and his other sister said she had no cash.

He got a very basic cremation-his sister brought her priest so he said a few word and fil went against mil wishes and held a small wake in a local hotel. It was all very sad.

I dont blame you for worring marmalade.