Not to want recovering alcoholic FIL to look after the DC (2 and 5), DH says IABU

[Graveyard]

FIL is an alcoholic, but following a recent bereavement (his partner died) says he has been sober for just under two months (I believe him). He is otherwise in OK health, in his early 60s and retired. Until recently, he has not spent much time with his (adult) children or grandchildren (he has six, GC our DC and Dh's siblings' DC, ages 0-5, all live 60-90mins from him), seeing them 2/3 times a year at events.

DH and I have argued in the past because FIL occasionally expressed interest in having our eldest DC to stay overnight "when they are bigger" or taking one or both DC out in the daytime in his local area, by car. I said no (to DH, FIL never mentioned to me directly): they do not know him well, he is not used to caring for small children, and is an alcoholic so I have concerns about his ability to keep them safe; but that if FIL wanted to spend more time with them, we could visit/have him visit/do things together with the Dc etc.

I also didn't like that FIL spent little time with DH and rarely even had a conversation with me (he was very detached, having conversations with him was hard, unless he was drinking).

Since his partner became ill and died, FIL has wanted to spend much more time with his family, and is even changing one of the bedrooms in his house to one suitable for children (bunk beds etc). He has once again raised with DH the idea of the eldest GC (aged 4 and 5, our eldest and our DN) staying at his. The idea is that he would pick them up by car (90mins) and we would pick them up the next day. Or alternatively we'd visit him and he'd take both our DC (5 and 2) out alone.

I am still against this: he is sober, which is obviously good, but still seems detached (obviously he is feeling really sad due to the loss of his partner) and it is early days. I don't trust him yet. I have suggested continuing to spend time with him and just giving it some time.

DH thinks that I and was and am BU and is upset about the prospect of hurting his F's feelings. I think DH is way too protective over his father (for various reasons) and shouldn't put FIL's feelings over our children's safety or be so angry with me for my views/refusal to give FIL what he wants.

We discussed it last night. DH was angry and said that I would never relent, was overprotective of the DC, would always make excuses, and threatened to "play dirty" by not allowing my parents (who live far away but occasionally have DC for the day, eg when we go to a wedding, or babysit in the evening) to have the DC alone anymore. I told him that was a nasty thing to say.

[DisforDarkChocolate]

What he wants is too much and too soon. He needs to show a sustained and caring interest in your children and a significant history or being sober before this is a safe option for your children.

Your husband needs to focus on being protective of his children and not his father.

From my experience a couple of months sober is nothing.

[FictionalCharacter]

@Graveyard

I don't think the DC are my property hollyberry. We take decisions about parenting and childcare together, but on this issue we disagree.

I just don't trust FIL. For example, at playgrounds DC2 climbs high, runs off etc. FIL is generally distracted,unused to supervising toddlers, and a bad driver.

Redhelena, I want FiL to be OK, but don't think it's his GC's job to help him stay sober. And the worst case scenario is that one of the DC gets hurt.

Yes, I would be happy to spend more time with him as a family, and may feel differently in time.

He’s not very good at looking after young children
The kids barely know him
He’s a bad driver (that alone would be a dealbreaker for me)
He hasn’t been dry very long
All of that for me would be a Hell No.
Why does dh think his dad’s feelings trump yours and possibly your kids’ feelings and safety?

What is it with all of these GPs wanting to have their GCs unsupervised or overnight, even if the parents are against it? Posts like this pop up all the time on MN. Why can’t they be happy with seeing their GCs with one or both parents? Some of them are aggressively determined to have the GCs unsupervised. If they’re that determined I’d be concerned that they want to do something with the GCs that the parents don’t allow, so they want the parents out of the way - give them food or sweets they’re not allowed to have, take them out to play somewhere unsafe and not watch them properly, disrupt their sleep routines - we see all of this in MN threads about GPs too.

[ErmIDontKnow]

fIL has sometimes expressed the view that small children aren't very interesting/enjoyable but that he looks forward to getting to know them when they are toilet trained/well-behaved, can converse etc

Hes not wrong though is he, they are hard work when their younger ( I have a 7 and 5 year old and I'm so glad my nappy days are behind me 😂 )

[Quitelikeit]

This post is from 2013!!!!

be good to get an update said children would be teens now

[FictionalCharacter]

@Quitelikeit

This post is from 2013!!!!

be good to get an update said children would be teens now

Oh no not another zombie thread! Please Mumsnet, can’t we have a zombie warning when someone posts on a years old thread because they didn’t notice the date?

[Creepymanonagoatfarm]

My ils never drove with dc simply because they were terrible drivers. Adding potential alcohol to the mix would make my blood curdle.

[pedropony76]

@autumnlover87 how do you ‘stumble across’ a post from 2013? Why not make your own thread? Literally no need to resurrect this and have it showing in active

[EmergencyHepNeeded]

I think even at AA they would tell him that this is a really bad idea. He's only been sober for a few weeks, he barely knows them, he doesn't have a good relationship with you or his own child. Your husband is understandably trying to rewrite history but this is going to bite him in the bum really really hard soon if he allows him to babysit.