To be questioning whether or not I'm going to put up with DH's behaviour any longer?

[TearyOnMothersDay]

I am a regular but I have namechanged so I am not recognised, as a few people I know in RL are on here too and they know my regular username.

I've been with my DH for about 11 years. I have one teenage DC from a previous marriage (her father was very abusive), and DH and I have two children together.

All is fine most of the time and in many ways my DH is a lovely bloke, however he doesn't seem to want to take an active part in family life the way many husbands and fathers do (eg he will never play with the youngest, who is 4), and he gets in moods from time to time, which last several days. During these moods he tries to convince me that it's my fault, and that there's nothing wrong with him and that it's just me that's the problem being oversensitive/taking it all the wrong way/imagining he's in a mood. Generally all is fine as long as it's all ticking over nicely but a big catalyst for one of these moods is if one of the DCs or I are ill. The 4 year old was ill between Xmas and new year and on the Saturday night I was up with him for most of the night. DH didn't try to help and instead just stormed off downstairs and slept there for the night, then the next day all he did all day was moan about how tired he was, and was just in a foul mood, picking at everything I did, even though it was me that had been up with DS all night.

He's also been in a mood for the last few days. He has been busy and a bit stressed at work, so I try not to be too harsh on him. However he seemed to wake up in a bad mood on Saturday morning, and was really snappy with me, uncommunicative and just didn't seem fussed about the kids or I. He had to take DC2 to an activity in the morning, then I asked if he'd collect her as I was getting lunch ready. He went off reluctantly and I could tell he wasn't happy. DD then had a party and he pointedly said he wasn't doing any other running around that day. So I took her to the party, got home and you could cut the atmosphere in the house with a knife, and before party pick up I asked why he was in this horrible mood and said it wasn't fair on any of us. I went to pick up DD, had a chat with some other mums and was about 45 minutes and when I got home DH said he'd been thinking and that I was disgusting in my behaviour and it wasn't him in a mood, it was me.

Fast forward to this morning. 4 year old came and got in bed with us early, and DH kept pulling the duvet off me and huffing and puffing. When he's in these moods he tries to antagonise me so that I say things then he can say it's me that's moody/horrible, so I let it go and just kept generally easing the duvet back over me. He then leapt out of bed and shouted that he was going downstairs to sleep, so he did, leaving DS and I in bed. I've had a horrible cold and cough for several days and haven't been sleeping too well, and at some point DS must have gone downstairs to join DH and when I woke up it was 10am. DH was moody that I had had a lie in for so long, but in all honesty I felt really ill. I then went for a bath, and whilst I was in the bath the phone rang and DH couldn't find either of the phones so he started shouting at me because of this, so I felt I had no choice but to get out of the bath. He's now spent the whole of today - mother's day - banging around, being snappy and huffy. He washed his work clothes tonight and washed them with a towel by mistake so they have fluff on them and he managed to find a way to blame me for that too, and then when I dared to protest, he spoke to me in a 'what on earth is wrong with you tone'

Sorry this is long, there is loads more I could say but I shall leave it here. I've just spent the whole of today feeling tearful and upset. I just want a nice family life, and to be treated nicely. Do I just put up with it and try to focus on the good points? Any tips on dealing with the moods? Thank you

[GregBishopsBottomBitch]

Abuse isnt about hitting, Abuse is about seeking to control and ruin a person core beliefs.

Hes grinding you down to nothing, he doesnt love or respect you, he clearly is not interested in his kids.

Think to yourself, is this good enough for you and your kids, is this worth not changing for the better, because change is scary?

You need to think about what you deserve, and you dont deserve to live in a house, that doesnt even feel like a home.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

I wonder if the fact that you describe your ex as "very abusive" is why you haven't recognised his behaviour as abusive, because DH's 'method' of abuse is different? But as has already been said, his behaviour IS abuse. It is making you unhappy and chipping away at your self-esteem, and please be under no illusion, living with this man IS affecting your children.

I think mowzer has put her finger on it - "For my h: The nastiness when someone is ill seems to be related to him not feeling important or fussed over enough at the time." In other words, your husband is a self-centred, selfish piece of work.

I think it is time for you to start planning your exit from this relationship. And that involves him leaving, not you and the children.

[LemonPeculiarJones]

What a miserable prick. Don't put up with it. Make plans.

It's not ok for you and it's not ok for your kids.

[Sidge]

He is a bully. He controls you through his moods and petulant, childish behaviour.

Life is too short to be with someone who makes you so unhappy. It is far better to be alone than with someone who makes life utterly miserable (trust me I know! My moody miserable cheating husband left last summer and it's only since he's been gone that I realised just how unhappy he made me. It's bloody hard being a single mum to 3 kids but miles better than living with that miserable moody fucker).

Start making enquiries about financial support eg tax credits, housing benefit etc and then when you're ready tell him to leave. Don't ask, tell him. You owe it to yourself and your children.

[TearyOnMothersDay]

It drives me mad as I question myself all the time. Sometimes I wonder if it is me and not him, as he says he's not in bad moods when I say that he is. Apparently his behaviour is normal. I'm over-sensitive. And picking faults. I'm not sure what I could or would want to change about myself though. Both he and my ex have both painted me to be some nasty piece of work but I honestly don't feel that I am

[TearyOnMothersDay]

He also makes mistakes all the time and I'm just expected to dismiss them as one of those things. Things like taking my keys to work with him for the day by mistake, which isn't a huge deal as a once off, but makes the school and nursery run very difficult as the drop off times are very similar and it takes ages to walk from one to the other. Things like forgetting to do things, or forgetting to get things from the shop when he said he would. I am wrong if I ever protest about these things.

[GregBishopsBottomBitch]

Because your not are you, they are justifying their own attitude, by turning it around on you, his behaviour is not normal at all, mood swings are not normal, when you call him out on this moods he blames you because he doesnt wanna acknowledge the blame.

You arent at fault, at all, he is at fault, and you shouldnt have to live with this man child.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"It drives me mad as I question myself all the time. Sometimes I wonder if it is me and not him, as he says he's not in bad moods when I say that he is. Apparently his behaviour is normal."
This is a method of abuse known as 'gaslighting'. Google it and you'll see just how abusive your twunt of a husband is.

[GregBishopsBottomBitch]

Oh and the bloody smirking at you, thats deliberate, shows he takes pleasure in making you miserable.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Chucking out the your heartless line is a classic ea line, its almost guaranteed to play on your mind.

And the key thing, was he in one of his moods when he did it? If he was I would question if it was an accident as its a type of punishing and isolating behaviour I hear a lot.

'Accidently taking your keys/ mobile/ house phone/ purse anything that makes the day difficult for you. When done in a foul mood its highly unlikely to be by accident.

[TearyOnMothersDay]

When I try to protest his attitude is 'what on earth are you making such a fuss for? It's only one day without keys and I didn't do it on purpose?'

[cozietoesie]

Teary

I have more years than you and I don't think I've ever taken someone else's keys by mistake in all of them. Someone else's keys just feel wrong - they jingle differently - and are put back. I've gone bananas trying to find my own, sure, but take others by mistake? No.

[AgathaF]

Teary - have you phoned WA?

Will you? Please.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

He's hardly going to say "yep I did it to piss you off" now is he.

[Jux]

Not possible to take someone else's keys by mistake. You just know they're not yours. Have you ever taken his? Put a big fob on yours, then he can never do it by mistake unless he has some sort of learning disability, which makes it impossible for him to recognise what is his and what is someone else's. Oh, he does. It's called selfish, entitled, abusive twuntitis.

[TearyOnMothersDay]

Those that have asked, I've not called WA yet, but I'm not dismissing the idea. I've got one of my DCs at home ill today, and I've got a thousand thoughts in my head, but I probably will do it at some point soon.

I am wondering too if I'm being oversensitive on this issue, as DH seemed to think I was at the time and I took it that I was; a close family member of mine died recently and we went to her funeral last month. At the wake afterwards, DH proceeded to have several pints and announced I would have to drive home, which I did, but then on the way home he got annoyed with me as he suddenly needed a wee, and we got caught in lots of traffic and he kept saying 'I'm DYING for a PISS' and shouting at me, when I was doing my best. I'd been really upset and crying a lot at the funeral and then we got home and he just fell asleep as he was so 'tired' leaving me to sort the kids out for the rest of the day, do tea, etc etc. I broached the subject the next day but apparently I'd been oversensitive and he was just annoyed as he needed the loo and apparently I wasn't taking it seriously.

[cozietoesie]

Teary

I'm sorry but you are completely out of perspective here - you're maybe too deep in the middle here. We are looking in from the outside and can see clearly that you are being abused. Maybe not physically hit but abused all the same.

You are not being oversensitive.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

He's rather good at this emotional abuse thing isant he.

[cozietoesie]

He's had 11 years of practice - in this relationship at least.

[INeedThatForkOff]

My DH has never once taken my keys by mistake, despite the fact that there's not much difference between the two sets. That's I suspect he's doing it to make life difficult.

[Cantbelieveitsnotbutter]

Oh lovely xxxx
You'll do what you need to when your ready, one day that switch will go on and you'll go. In the mean time, squirrel money away, prepare prepare prepare. Delete your history and make sure he only finds out when your going.
Think is this the environment you want your kids growing up in?

[bangwhizz]

When your husband comes out of one of his moods, does he ever explain to you why he was like that?

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Can we stop hounding the op to call woman's aid,

She's said she will in her own time, pushing her after that is almost as bad as her dh bullying her.

And woman's aid are not the bee all and end all of DV services.

[SmiteYouWithThunderbolts]

You have done a huge thing by writing this all down and acknowledging that his behaviour is not ok. That's all you need to do today. Sit back, breathe in and out, and congratulate yourself on taking the first step to a happier and more confident life.

Tomorrow you can think about the next step. One bit at a time and you'll get there.

[LadyPessaryPam]

Sorry Teary but your DH sounds like a truly horrible man. You do need to get help. Do you have any family you could go to? Also in your original post you say he can be lovely in many ways, can you give us an example of his loveliness please? Could his nice acts be construed as efforts to wrong foot you rather than actual acts of niceness. Emotional abuse is very manipulative you see.

I wish you all the best and I hope you manage to resolve it somehow when you are ready but the status quo doesn't seem to be working for you.