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AIBU?

To say I didnt want to...

41 replies

CocacolaMum · 10/03/2013 11:14

Bit of background.. My aunt (mums younger sister) lives abroad with her husband and after years (20ish) of ttc and quite a lot of IVF they found that after 2 mc she was unable to carry a baby so now that they are mid 40's they have resigned themselves sadly to never being anyones biological parent. I say it like this because just before they emigrated they took me, dh and dc's to florida for a farewell holiday and sat me down at the end of it and told me that they had always thought of me as their non bio daughter.. Its complicated but they have always acted more like my mum and dad than my own parents so of course I felt the same

Anyway, my sisters messaged me to ask whether I would put some money toward ordering flowers to be sent from my aunts angel babies. The plan she had was not to tell her, just have them turn up out of the blue..

I said no thank you. I really think that she would have found today hard enough and although I can see where the thought was coming from I just didn't think it was a good idea.

Cue LOTS of foot stomping and now I am in the dog house for peeing on their bonfire! AIBU to just want to send a quiet message to my aunt thanking her for being so wonderful and telling her I am thinking of her rather than what they had in mind?!?

OP posts:

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CocacolaMum · 12/03/2013 10:31

thank you QT and I am really sorry about your losses x

OP posts:

QuietTiger · 11/03/2013 18:49

DH & I lost our DD1 to stillbirth last year and then I had a subsequent MC in September. I say this not for sympathy, but so you know where I am coming from.

If someone had seen fit to send me "flowers from my angel babies" on mothers day, I would have probably hunted them down and shoved the flowers up their arse and it wouldn't have been pretty. Far from appreciating it, it would have been hideously upsetting and served as a vicious reminder that DH & I had lost our children.

You did EXACTLY the right thing. It's a shame your siblings are not as sensitive as you. :)

CocacolaMum · 11/03/2013 18:34

I just wanted to say in reply to Cooroos response (which was completely fair enough btw, whatever gets you through it imo) that for my aunt it wasn't just a non viable pregnancy, it was a great loss of not only the pregnancy but the dreams she had resting on it and the life that (knowing my aunt as I do) she would have imagined and built around the child and then the horrible decision of closing a door which she never wanted to close when they realised that they just hadn't started IVF young enough and then feeling incomplete and unworthy as a woman ever since. To be frank, she has trouble walking through a supermarket without getting upset, all she sees (still) are women with their babies and although it has been 3 years now and she has become a nurse in that time (the other thing she always wanted) I still think its as raw for her from how she relates it to me.

OP posts:

CocacolaMum · 11/03/2013 18:25

I completely agree, in fact I did laugh at them when they quite literally stuck their noses in the air and insisted it would have been a lovely thing to do. I do love them but sometimes could happily throttle them.

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diddl · 11/03/2013 17:54

Ridiculous that they can't say they "thought better of it".

But imo at least the best outcome resulted!

CocacolaMum · 11/03/2013 17:44

Well.. they didn't go ahead with it. They still won't admit that it wasn't a good idea and said that the sole reason for not doing it was because I wouldn't take part so the cost was too high.

OP posts:

BegoniaBampot · 10/03/2013 19:25

Could you gently let your sisters know that this could backfire and really upset your aunt - hope they don't go ahead with this for your aunt's sake though you obviously have no idea how she would view it. A message/flowers or something to her for being your favourite aunt or second mum etc would be much more appropriate.

Bunbaker · 10/03/2013 18:54

"I think your sisters' suggestion sounds a bit ghoulish"

I agree. I also think it is insensitive and upsetting. I had a miscarriage before I had DD. I would hate the thought of someone sending me flowers from a failed embryo. It happened in the past. I don't need or want to be reminded of it.

VBisme · 10/03/2013 18:53

You are the one being sensitive and thoughtful, their idea (whilst well-meaning I'm sure), is really not a good idea.

Kaida · 10/03/2013 18:49

YANBU OP. Unlike Cooroo DH and I do miss our baby we miscarried, and one of the most hurtful things about the process was people treating it like it was just a missed opportunity ("you're both young, plenty more time" etc) not an actual loss of a loved one. But we remember him in our own way and although occasionally my DM (who understands and also grieved for the loss of her first grandbaby) will mention him or give us a keepsake with his name on, it would be creepy in the extreme to receive something from him.

Floggingmolly · 10/03/2013 18:32

They obviously mean well but it's a terrible, terrible idea.

ujjayi · 10/03/2013 18:00

Your sister's idea obviously comes from a good place but at best it is misguided and at worst downright macabre. If anyone had sent me flowers from my dead babies I would have gone crazy and probably thought someone was having a go at me in some way. We do remember our children but we do so in a very private way - just DH and I - even our DCs who are here with us remain uninvolved.

Catchingmockingbirds · 10/03/2013 17:49

Yanbu, I've suffered mc and would hate to receive something like this. Your idea is lovely. Could you all just send flowers from you and your sisters instead?

roastednut · 10/03/2013 17:45

Yanbu, another one here having been there with mc and I don't entertain the angel baby thing at all. So no, very bad and odd idea.

ENormaSnob · 10/03/2013 17:32

Fucking hell fire that's a dreadful idea from your sister

leeloo1 · 10/03/2013 16:52

Ugh, is it just me that feels physically sick and tearful at the thought of the poor aunt getting flowers from her mc'd children? It sounds like something someone would do as a sick practical joke.

I agree sending flowers 'to the best aunty in the world' would be lovely. Addressing the card as your sisters suggested - no, just no.

gordyslovesheep · 10/03/2013 16:38

agree YANBU - again as somebody who has had multiple MC's I find he term 'angel babies' odd and getting flowers from them would make me feel uncomfortable

Yfronts · 10/03/2013 16:22

you are 100% in the right. I say this as some one who has had M/C's and trouble conceiving.

aldiwhore · 10/03/2013 16:16

Hmmm YANBU. The mum's I know who've lost babies, and have their own rituals of rememberance would be horrified if someone took it upon themselves to speak for their lost children.

There's nothing wrong with your approach, and everything right with it, make a fuss of her for who she is to YOU. (I have 'my other mother' too) But never speak for those not here... YANBU.

I personally think your sister's are being well intentioned but utterly utterly thoughtless and could cause a great deal of anger, grief, and upset.

I'd reply to your sister's text in 'brass tacs' (don't involved your aunt in this) and simply say "I am sorry, your intentions are good, I love you, but I feel it's disresepectful to speak FOR the dead... it would crush me, and I won't be part of it".

BridgetBidet · 10/03/2013 16:10

Gosh no. That's horrible. Send some flowers from yourself, that would be lovely. But the 'angel babies' idea is just vile.

sarahtigh · 10/03/2013 15:16

my brother died when he was 5 I think if we arranged to send my mum something from him, she would be upset and very very annoyed,

my sisters and I give her presents flowers card but never ever would I dream of putting my brother's name on anything it would be really insensitive

Pandemoniaa · 10/03/2013 15:10

It's a horribly insensitive idea. YANBU OP. Just compassionate and sensible.

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EuroShaggleton · 10/03/2013 15:08

I'm waiting to mc at the moment having been told my baby is not developing. If anyone sent me flowers from my dead foetus I would be shoving them where the sun doesn't shine. It's a hideous idea.

twentythirteen · 10/03/2013 14:34

I've had 3 mc's (no children) and would hate this, it would upset me beyond words. Please show your sisters this thread. Your aunt might be different, she might like the gesture but I think it would crush me for a little bit.

Cooroo · 10/03/2013 14:32

I had never heard of 'angel babies' before and had to google it. It is a hideous concept. OK for the mother, I suppose, if it comforts her. But why rub it in? A miscarriage is a tragedy, but it's a pregnancy that for whatever reason could not continue to full term. Not a dead child. IMHO.

Agree with an earlier poster - send flowers from yourselves, so say you love her and are sorry how things have turned out.

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