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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT buy this toy for ds because it is a girl's toy?

109 replies

Whatsdoneisdoneisdone · 04/03/2013 17:42

Ds is just over three and a half. He has a chart for good behaviour and a few small chores. Once his chart is full every month or so he gets to choose a little prize for around ten pounds. Since he started the chart a few weeks back the thing he has wanted is the my little pony train. And at the moment it is on offer massively reduced on amazon.
He likes trains. He likes ponies. In his mind it seems a good plan. However I am not so keen. Not because it is a "girls'" toy really (we have many toys that could be considered traditionally a girls' toy) and I firmly believe that children should be able to play with what interests them. Usually.
I'm just a bit concerned he may be laughed at by other boys. Ds has stayed home with me and only has a couple of sessions at nursery a week. Consequently he is less streetwise than many of the other children. I suppose when we have playdates I could put it away, but I can see him being so pleased with it that he tells everyone at nursery.

He is already a bit the odd one out because he is quite sensitive and quiet. I don't want to give them any other reason to consider him different. Sad that I have to think this I suppose.

Wibu to not get him this?

OP posts:
Fanjounchained · 04/03/2013 17:55

Hmm even...

FellNel · 04/03/2013 17:56

There is all sorts I could say about this but I'll just settle for YABU.

PastaBeeandCheese · 04/03/2013 17:57

YABU

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 04/03/2013 17:58

If you want the rewards system to work you need to get him the little gifts he would value.

YABU. Don't put your own stereotype stresses on a three year old!

yellowbrickrd · 04/03/2013 17:59

Can't help finding the idea of a 3 year-old with a behaviour chart and chores rather Sad.

He is going to have to get used to interacting with other children, good and bad. If you already think he is rather quiet and sensitive you won't do him any favours by trying to 'manage' that process.

Badvoc · 04/03/2013 18:00

Yabu.
My 4 year old dresses up as a princess at nursery.
Because he is 4.
If he is still doing it at 14 I will have a quiet word.
(Only in the house, son)

KitchenandJumble · 04/03/2013 18:00

Well, of course YABU. Buy him the toy he wants.

Having a bit of a giggle at the thought of streetwise 3-year-olds.

Original poster
Whatsdoneisdoneisdone · 04/03/2013 18:00

Well he will be one of the youngest in his year group anyway so some of them will be 12 months older near enough. So are bound to be more grown up.
I'm glad I'm being unreasonable as I also quite fancy playing with the my little pony train!
It just makes me sad when I look through preschool window and see the other boys charging About playing and ds sat on his own. He wet himself at preschool a while back and some of the others were mean to him about it and laughed at him.
I was so miserable myself at school I don't want ds to stand out as being different and therefore be picked on.

OP posts:
WowOoo · 04/03/2013 18:01

If he's actually allowed to choose, let him choose.

As he gets older teach him to say 'Toys are for everyone. Not girls or boys.' And to not listen to silly people.Smile

This is what I told my niece to say to boys who told her that castles and swords are for boys.

Original poster
Whatsdoneisdoneisdone · 04/03/2013 18:02

No no he likes his chart! We have found he responds really well to it. He is boisterous at home, only reserved at nursery! By chores I mean takes his cup out, washes his hands before eating, puts clothes in laundry basket. Not scrubbing floors!

OP posts:
LinusVanPelt · 04/03/2013 18:02

I'd imagine that part of what upsets you about the other boys being mean to him is that it tells him (unfairly) that there's something wrong with your ds being who he is, liking what he likes, behaving how he behaves. I imagine you're afraid that he'll internalise that message and his happiness and self-esteem might suffer.

It's clear that your intentions are good and I know it's awful to see your lovely child being the odd one out. But you have a choice to make here:

You can be one more voice (the most powerful one he knows) reinforcing the hurtful, damaging message that there's something 'wrong' with being a quiet sensitive boy who likes My Little Pony, by making him choose a different reward.

Or you can use your position as his mother, probably the most important person in his whole world, to affirm his choices and his right to be who he is and play with what interests him. You can't keep him entirely safe from being picked on at school (believe me, I understand how much you want to Sad) but you can make sure he knows that in his own home, he can be who he is, and nobody is going to judge him for it.

DieWilde13 · 04/03/2013 18:03

You know that YABU.

LynetteScavo · 04/03/2013 18:03

YABU. Just buy it

If it's a reward, it needs to be something he wants, not want you want him to have.

He's 3 and a half...boys this age dress up in princess clothes at nursery. Seriously.

Badvoc · 04/03/2013 18:04

My son does not like aggressive play either, most happy playing with the girls Etc.
What did the pre school do wet to the meanness?

Floggingmolly · 04/03/2013 18:04

Both my boys played with their older sister's My Little Ponies at this age and beyond
They particularly favoured the pink ones...

LittleWhiteWolf · 04/03/2013 18:05

YABU. Toys are for children. End of.

Original poster
Whatsdoneisdoneisdone · 04/03/2013 18:05

By streetwise I meant stuff like name calling. I suppose I meant unkind really!

OP posts:
Iteotwawki · 04/03/2013 18:05

Have to say I've never met a streetwise 3 year old. My DS went to nursery 3 days a week at that age, was at home with DH the rest of the time. His favourite dress up was the pink sparkly fairy dress with wand. Not just his either, there were a few boys who raced to the dress up box to be the first to get it. He was 3 and he adored pink/sparkle/glitter, the home corner and play kitchen, baby dolls and prams - we let him enjoy it!

YABU - if it's his choice, it's his choice. And I have pics of sparkly pink fairy DS for his 18th ;)

Notquite · 04/03/2013 18:05

Leaving aside the toy issue, have you spoken to the pre-school staff about the other children being unkind, sitting alone, wetting himself. Should they not be helping him to play and enjoy himself?

givemeaclue · 04/03/2013 18:06

I find it hard to believe that kids that young see your son as "different" in any way. If they are charging around and he isn't then perhaps that is not something he enjoys doing or joins in with, it doesn't mean that he is excluded. He is obviously having friends to play let that Continue and let him enjoy whatever toys he wants.

Yabu! Also why does a three year old need to do chores

zzzzz · 04/03/2013 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RubyrooUK · 04/03/2013 18:06

YABU.

My boy toddler loves fairies (thanks Ben & Holly) and magic wands. He took his large collection of magic wands to nursery the other day and all the other boys (aged 2-5) were very impressed as they could all do magic spells. Well, pretend to with lots of shouting and drama, anyway.

He usually goes to full time nursery and it is not my impression that many kids there are "streetwise". Actually boys and girls share almost all the toys and play games together with them so there doesn't seem to be quite as much gender stereotyping as I expected.

So yes, YABU.

Still18atheart · 04/03/2013 18:07

I'm in my 20s still find it hard to put clothes in the laundry Grin

YABU - get him the toy, It's more important at his age for him to know mummy keeps her promises.

lljkk · 04/03/2013 18:07

DS is a brutal vulgar thug, Honestly, even I acknowledge it. Although he's a big girl's blouse, too, bawls the moment he gets pushed over.

He brought this to Toy Day at school when he was in yr1.

No one hassled DS for it. I happen to know several other boys in his year have mountains of cuddlies, too. Usually the best football players.

Original poster
Whatsdoneisdoneisdone · 04/03/2013 18:07

Preschool haven't been much use. About that and other things. They had a "boys will be boys" attitude. They put him in a group with some other children and said they would try and 'scaffold' some friendships. I heard the same group of boys being unkind to ds at a birthday party we went to. Unfortunately these same children will go to the same school as ds.

OP posts: