To wish parents in 'traditional' families would explain to their children that families come in all shapes and sizes?

[acceptableinthe80s]

Just overheard yet another friend ask DS (4) where his daddy is. DS hasn't even asked about his absent father yet, i've raised him alone since birth.

I realize it's a perfectly normal question for a child to ask, however all his friends parents know he doesn't have a daddy and one in particular has asked him several times in front of the other parent. Is it really too much to expect a parent to explain to their kids that all families are different and some children don't have a daddy/mummy and that it might be a little insensitive to keep asking?
I do think it's a case of just not thinking it's necessary as they themselves are not in that situation so it doesn't affect them.
I know two young children who have both lost their mothers too and it's just so upsetting for the children to keep being asked about them.

So AIBU to expect parents to explain these things to their children in order to spare the feelings of the children affected, not to mention the awkward questions they can raise for single parents?

[insancerre]

what a lot of fuss over nothing
children ask questions because it's how they learn things and make sense of the world. That obviously starts from what they know and what is normal for them. They then learn that other people are different and ask questions because they need to.It helps them make sense of it in their heads, including putting their own circumstances into perspective.

[Ginebra]

It's that step beyond just questions that is unacceptable imo. obviously all children ask questions. it is very easy to telk if they r innocent questions or if they have come from above. in one of my children's classes there is another single parent and we have both identified the same 'crossing the line' from the same quarter. maybe this woman and i both have the exact same shaped "chip" !! or maybe we are in a position to judge more accurately the sentiment behind comments made to us/our kids/in our heari.g.p

[Bonsoir]

I think that you are being unreasonable to expect families with small DC of 4 to have primed them not to ask another DC where their Daddy or Mummy are.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

What this seems to boil down to, OP, from what I have understood, is that the repeat questioning comes from one 6 year old child, who has been asked not to keep asking, but persists (for reasons we do not know, not because she's a brat).

I don't see how you can extrapolate from that in the way you have done.

I think you might feel less irritated by this if you had a stock response which would satisfy the child. And more importantly, as others have said, if it was something you could talk about with your son.

[Ginebra]

my children don't go in to school and tell them they are insufferably smug!

I can't win this one. The majority rules, and if you point out to the majority that there wilful conservatism can cause hurt, then you have a chip on your shoulder. I have actually met the people i'm venting about! i have that advantage.

it isn't something that bothers me any more. i have prepped my kids as i said earlier. The smug woman knows everything now, and most people are not so judgemental and insufferable.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

"Why does the 6 year old keep asking the same question? To wind you or her mum up if she knows it's something she's not allowed to ask? Because she's not allowed to ask, so it's interesting? Because she hasn't had an answer yet? I'd imagine the average 6 year old knows plenty of children at school without dads on the scene"


I agree with that ^ mercibucket

[fedupwithdeployment]

We met a gay couple on holiday and my boys got on really well with theirs. It wasn't something we had discussed, but when I mentioned that the ladies were the boys parents (we were talking about nationalities and this came into it - it waasn't a formal discussion about alternative family set ups), my 7yo said, "Oh that's gay!". I said, yes, quite ...some people have 2 mummies and some have 2 daddies and some have one of each....

And we moved on to the next question...

One of the women spoke about how questions about Daddy had impacted on her son...he had accepted quite easily that his Daddy was a donor....although he told everyone he was a Donut.

They know some people have no mum / dad....they know my mum died....but I don't think this is a topic for a Big Discussion, it is more about general politeness and respect.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Ginebra

I believe that you have met prejudiced or insensitive people. What I question is whether a child's (and in this case, one child) question is evidence of parental prejudice or smugness.

[Ginebra]

I think the kids of this particular woman are either 1) just as nosey and judgemental and as keen to pidgeon-hole people as she is.... (which I can't believe, cos really kids don't actually care, or 2) the mother is encouraging them to fish for info which will help her file other people in the correct column. the 'other single parent' in the class agrees! we've discussed it. Thankfully most people take you as you are. But NOT all.

[NotADragonOfSoup]

In the case of the 6 yo child who keeps asking about the OPs DSs father, what answer have you actually given? If its "he doesn't have one" then that won't make sense to her so it wouldn't be surprising that she keeps asking.

OTOH "he lives far away and we don't see him" may give her the "proper" answer she needs and understands.

I have no plans to specifically teach my children about different family set ups. If it comes up, it gets discussed matter of factly as do other subjects such as disabities etc. No need to make a fuss.

[mummytime]

4 year olds aren't good at being tactful. A 6 year old might keep asking because no-one has answered her. On the other hand some children with som SN/SENs will ask or say the same thing over, and over and over; regardless of how much their parents try to stop them.

[Astley]

Haha Ginebra I think you clearly have a lot of your own issues here.

It isn't my responsibility. That's just a fact. I will tell them some families are different from ours if and when it comes up but I will not be sitting my child down and doing through every single possible situation just so other parents don't actually need to bother explaining to their OWN child where their Father is.

Children ask questions. Get over it.

[Astley]

And yes if I see a family of giraffes I may well say to my children 'the one with the darker spots is the Mummy, the larger one is the Daddy and the little one is their baby'

What would you rather? 'Look there DD, there is a female giraffe and her female giraffe partner and their donor created baby giraffe.' Just in case? Sometimes if it looks like a rock, feels like a rock etc it might just be a rock. Why should I make life confusing for young children just to make a point?

[Dromedary]

Maybe it's time to talk to your DC about their father? He may not be very interested, but at least he'll know the basic facts. You can keep it short and basic at this stage, and he can ask questions later when he's ready. He is bound to be asked about this at nursery and then school.

[Ginebra]

Astley, I dont think you have read my posts properly. I don't have 'issues' thank you.

[difficultpickle]

Maybe it is just our personal experience but neither ds nor I know another child who doesn't have contact with his father. That covers nursery and two different primary schools. As far as ds is concerned he is in a unique position and other children like to point that out.

[Dromedary]

I'd expect that if you talk to your DC from very early about his circumstances, he will grow up relaxed about it and confident about talking about it. That will be very helpful, as others are bound to ask about it, perhaps even when he is an adult. He may quickly learn to shut down questions if he doesn't want to go into all the details.
Bullies will pick on any difference they find, so the odd nasty child may pick on this difference to get at him. If he is secure about it, then they are less likely to use it to pick on him.

[difficultpickle]

I don't think it matters how much you talk to you child about why he is different to all his peers. Most children growing up have an overwhelming urge to be just like all their peers. The ones that aren't are viewed by the majority as odd and different. There is little you can do about that unless the parents of your dc's peers are open about families not all consisting of a mum and a dad.

[Dromedary]

My experience is that if you are totally relaxed with your children about their family circumstances, giving them no sense that you feel bad about it, and are open about all the details they are interested in from when they are very young, it is not much of an issue for them. However, I think that this may change for some children in teenagerhood, when being the same as others becomes more important.
Although my children come from a non-typical family, that doesn't mean that they are easily tolerant of other people's differences. I have explained to my DC, aged 10, a number of times that being gay is perfectly natural, some children have 2 gay parents, etc etc, but she still finds the idea of someone being gay "yuck". I'm hoping that she'll grow out of this soon. Children aren't born understanding people who are different from themselves, and just telling them about different family structures won't necessarily stop the teasing.

[MidniteScribbler]

I'm a single mother, my son is donor conceived and I would probably still say "there's the mummy giraffe, the daddy giraffe and the baby giraffe". It does no good for my child to pretend that fathers don't exist. They are a huge part of our society and the lives of many children, so he's going to have to face the fact at some point. Just like he'll know that one of his friends has two daddies, and another lives with his grandmother. It will just be part of his life.

If you put your head in the sand, something's going to come along and bite you on the arse.

[Spottyblancmange]

I just completely want to echo whoever said a few pages back about telling them from earlier rather than waiting for them to ask.

I say that as someone who made that mistake.

My DD's father was never interested, I met DP when she was quite young and although I have never, ever let her think DP is her biological father, she knew I'd met him after she was born and he wasn't always there, I left talking about her biofather until she asked, which happened just after she'd started school and talking about families in more detail lead to the penny dropping for her. It was horrendous because it meant every single question and aspect came up in one conversation, the first question lead to more and more and more, and with the benefit of hindsight I know it would have been better for everyone if it had always been in the background, just like DP not always having been there was.

[louisianablue2000]

From a child it's ok, from an adult not so much. When DD1 was about 2 or 3 she went through a stage of repeatedly asking where her Dad to which I patiently answered 101 times a day 'he's at work, he'll be home for tea'. We were in a cafe one Tuesday afternoon and she was asking this question again and again. At one point the waitress came up and heard her ask and said 'yes, where is Daddy?'. Silly cow was told what for quite forcefully so hopefully she'll never again ask a frazzled Mum an intrusive question.

[Beamur]

(Haven't read all the thread so apols if needed)
Where I live, I'm aware of several same sex couples with children at the same school as DD, so I decided to talk to her in advance of her asking questions or upsetting said kids with an innocent remark. There are also several children whose parents have split up, and as a family, DD also has 'half' siblings so these are not unusual ideas for her to deal with.
What is rather sweet though, is how unquestioningly DD and her friends have accepted these various circumstances as quite normal and acceptable. DD and her best (female) friend are now planning on getting married when they are older. From that, I'd say that talking to the kids early on has made them less judgemental of 'difference' which must make it easier on the children who are part of less 'conventional' family set ups.
Children do have the capacity to throw you though, however well prepared you think you/they are. DD's Father and I are still very much together, yet once while DD and I were walking along, a man walked past us and she very loudly asked if that was her Daddy....luckily, the chap in question thought this was pretty funny.

[Kytti]

One of my dt's keeps telling everyone her Daddy's gone. "No, my Daddy's gone. He's not here anymore." He's actually at work. (sigh) But that's how she explains it. She's 3.

My elder 2 children were discussing getting married (yes, aren't I a smug traditionalist?) and ds says "you can't marry x, girls can't get married to girls!" dd replies "yes they can, because Sue and Peggy (v good friends of ours, the names have been changed to protect the innocent) are married, and they're both girls." "Oh, OK" says ds. On they went with their game and ds now knows same-sex couples are OK.

I've never sat them down and discussed it either. I don't think I have to. What I do need to do is answer their questions honestly and as objectively as I can.