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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think "Valentine's Day is too commercial" is a poor excuse

52 replies

printmeanicephoto · 15/02/2013 10:55

DH didn't get me a card yesterday using above as reason again. He has never bought me a card or given me anything on Valentines Day over the 20 years of our marriage on principle (he's into his principles!). The principle being love should be shown every day and that you don't need one particular day or present to show how much you love someone (the same reason was given to not buy me an engagement ring 20 years ago - I did get a wedding ring).

As usual I bought him a card and present yesterday. Does he have a point? Would you be happy with the above "principle" - or would you think: "What a tight-wad, he obviously couldn't be bothered"?

And no he doesn't buy me flowers or presents at other times of the year. I do get a birthday card and sometimes a nice meal out on my birthday and occasionally a Christmas present.

OP posts:

MsVestibule · 15/02/2013 11:48

OP, my DH feels the same way as yours does about Valentine's Day, but at least he always puts some thought into what to buy me for Christmas and birthdays. Rarely get flowers, even though he knows I like them.

I'm kind of on the fence about Valentine's Day; I can see what people mean about it being commercial crap, and if your DP is generally loving, romantic (whatever 'romantic' means to you, not necessarily the hearts and flowers type) and thoughtful, then yes, they have a point. But if they're like your DH, then no, the 'commercial crap' excuse doesn't hold water.

However, you knew what you were getting yourself into when he refused to buy you an engagement ring because it was against his principles .

Crinkle77 · 15/02/2013 11:48

In that case he should not accept your valentines pressie if he is so against it

attheendoftheday · 15/02/2013 12:23

My dp thinks the same about valentines day, but he made me a card, wrote some sweet things in it, and took the kids while I had a rest. I got him a small present and made him dinner. There are non-commercial ways to mark the day.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 15/02/2013 12:27

dh and i dont do v.day cards... and we've only done proper gifts 1 year and that was the first year we were together. i find cards very pointless and i dont like v.day anyway.

however, this year i made dh some cup cakes, and made him dinner (he's normally the cook) and he got me a packet of love hearts. we were both happy

to not get anything for your birthday... or even christmas is a bit cheap and selfish cheeky of him. birthday especially. why doesnt he get you anything?

HecateWhoopass · 15/02/2013 12:27

I agree with him on it being commercial. Me and my husband don't do it. I've always hated it. I just don't see what's romantic about looking at the calendar, seeing that it's the 14th of February and joining a massive queue of people buying roses, chocolates, cuddly bears or whatever who also looked at the calendar, saw it was the 14th of February and knew that they had to be romantic.

Nothing less romantic than having to be romantic. Because it's that time of year again. And then you get into the competitions and it all becomes about show. What did YOU get? Did you get more than me? Look how much I got. This shows how Loved I am.

No, not really. flowers on the 8th of august - just because he thinks you're gorgeous. THAT'S romantic. Whisking you away for the weekend in April because he wants you all to himself. THAT'S romantic. Getting in from work and finding a postit note on your living room door saying how much you're loved. THAT'S romantic.

Scheduling romance - not so much. And of course, you can do both, and many do. But it's amazing how often you find that it's ONLY that day of the year that someone gets this apparent display of lurrve and you know that it's only because everyone else is.

That said - that's not what he's doing, is it? He's NEVER romantic. Never just comes home with flowers for no reason at all. There's no wonder you feel sad about it. He's not opting out of Hallmark Day - he's opting out of romance!

What do you do during the year that is romantic? If it's all one way then there's going to come a point when you just stop caring and that's the kiss of death for a relationship.

It sounds more like he can't be arsed, than any real objection to the day. Otherwise he'd show you on other days of the year - as he claims should be the case, wouldn't he?

However, it's your choice to continue to buy for him. If you're doing it hoping to guilt him into reciprocating then that's unfair. He's never lied to you about how he feels. You don't have to buy anything for him, you choose to. Make a different choice!

KatoPotato · 15/02/2013 12:33

A wee gift or token nod is nice, last night we ate chinese at the table! but I detest shop bought cards to express my feelings.

Bejeena · 15/02/2013 12:34

The thing is after 20 years of marriage you cannot expect him to change. I have made it quite clear to my husband that it means something to me, in fact it means something to both of us.

Yes I do also agree it is all a bit commercial and pile of tosh you don't need a special day to get flowers or chocolates.

The thing is if there wasn't a special day I wouldn't get them at all. So that is my reason and husband knows it.

specialsubject · 15/02/2013 12:41

The fact that he doesn't waste money on pointless crap gets my vote. If he is a kind, thoughtful, interesting, generous man then you are very lucky. Cards and presents are not a game of tit-for-tat.

my husband and I don't buy each other presents just because the calendar says so. We buy things we need, and we buy things we want and can afford after mutual discussion and when they are at a good price. He has lots of good qualities that I think are wonderful, and I'm really glad that he doesn't waste money.

perhaps you should also count your blessings.

chocoluvva · 15/02/2013 14:18

Valentine's day used to be the day when you asked someone to be your 'valentine' or sent an anonymous card, hoping they'd guess and respond positively.

It really has become commercialised. And there's pressure on young people to be going out for dinner etc on valentine's day. Which is quite rubbish really.

Can you tell that DH and I don't do valentine's day either? :o

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/02/2013 14:24

With all these things, it's not so important what the individual thinks as what's important to their partner. If it is important to you to get a card on Valentine's Day or a Swiss Cheese Plant on Michaelmas, a loving DH would want to take that on board.... no matter what his private views.

Your DH is a tightwad

Hulababy · 15/02/2013 14:29

We never buy gifts at Valentines, never have done. Well not since we were school age. We do swap cards still.

But no it really wouldn't bother me. I truly don't see VD as being something I have to conform too.

My birthday is two days before and I get great gifts then. I also get great gifts at Christmas. I get lovely cards too. We don't really buy surprise gifts at other times but Dh encourages me to spend money on myself all year round, and shows his affection all year.

And even without flowers rest of the time I don't need them on VD to know how DH feels about me.

NoBloodyMore · 15/02/2013 14:30

We don't do valentines, never have done as I agree it's too commercialised, but we do treat each other a lot throughout the year, he brings me Flowers home from work quite often, buys me little gifts and is very good at birthdays/christmas.
But we both agree to not bother with Valentines whilst it seems you are bothered by it so in your shoes I'd probably be upset too.

AmberSocks · 15/02/2013 14:34

I think valentines day is a load of shite, especially the cards.We don't buy each other anything,in fact we don't even acknowledge it unless someone reminds us!and then we go "oh yeah valentines day what a load of shite!"

Hulababy · 15/02/2013 14:36

Mind you - I spent VD evening in the pub with my work colleagues whilst DH was at home having collecting 10y DD from a friends. It was the final day of my school's OFSTED. Every adult there, young and old, stayed for drinks in the pub, leaving cars at school - so lots of adults there who obviously didn't do much for VD and spent a big part of their evening apart, including not eating together.

Original poster

printmeanicephoto · 15/02/2013 14:40

I think the only reason it would be nice is, because like a previous poster, it would be one of the only times in the year I might get something nice from him. He doesn't do presents, flowers or whatever the rest of the year.

He does cook meals at weekends though so I suppose I should be thankful for that (although probably only fair as I cook in the week).

OP posts:

diddl · 15/02/2013 14:43

"The fact that he doesn't waste money on pointless crap gets my vote."

But it might not be pointless crap to the recipient.

If you don´t "do" birthdays-but your partner would like a card/present/meal-does that mean that you shouldn´t do that for them either?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/02/2013 14:50

"He doesn't do presents, flowers or whatever the rest of the year."

You know you're entitled to say up front that you would like the occasional card, present or flowers. Be assertive about what you want, rather than thinking you should be pathetically grateful because he cooks at weekends....

Fillyjonk75 · 15/02/2013 15:08

I don't see Valentines Day as a conforming/non conforming thing. It's a bit of fun in what can be a dull month. That's what festivals and the like are for, a bit of light in our lives. Besides which a bit of conformity is a good thing, it's what makes society and community. Everyone going around being individualistic all the time would be vile.

HighJinx · 15/02/2013 15:26

We have never done anything for Valentine's Day and I think it is a load of old nonsense so it would annoy me intensely if DH wanted to.

DH isn't great at getting presents at any time of year so I never hold my breath for a birthday or christmas gift (and I haven't had a card for any reason for about 10 years)

But he is incredibly thoughtful and generous in many, many other ways. He will often do thoughtful things to make life easier for me. When we are out shopping together he often suggests I get something for myself. He just isn't in to gift giving and is genuinely baffled as to why people send each other cards for any reason

ninani · 15/02/2013 16:05

And no he doesn't buy me flowers or presents at other times of the year. I do get a birthday card and sometimes a nice meal out on my birthday and occasionally a Christmas present.

It seems to me that the second sentence contradicts the first. Does he generally treat you nicely or does he offer any help e.g. does he help with the housework, especially if you are ill or tired? Although people don't like to admit it unfortunately it is quite common for men to avoid giving help. Does he make a fuss about things that you buy? Do you have to justify where you spent your/his money and why? Does hesay that you waste money? Does he say that you are of great value to him etc

higgle · 15/02/2013 16:14

My DH rather likes Valentines day, he says it is the only special occasion in the year that is adult centred and not about children and chocolate. We don't buy presents but always cards, flowers and enjoy a really nice meal either out or in our home "Restaurant of Lurve" which pops up each year. Just a bit of self indulgent fun and a rare opportunity for mid week sex

MTBMummy · 15/02/2013 16:24

I'm all for the it's a commercial load of crap - IF the person saying that does make an effort year round to show how much they love the person in their life.

To me V-day is the kick up the bum I need to remember to show DP how much I love him especially this year as I've been through a lot recently and I have taken him for granted.

CashmereHoodlum · 15/02/2013 16:37

I got flowers, but he knows I hate flowers. I'm sure it is a passive-aggressive thing so he can moan about me not appreciating them enough. I was disappointed but not surprised not to receive even a card for my 40th a couple of months ago.

On the face of it I seem ungrateful, but there is more to it than that.

TheYamiOfYawn · 15/02/2013 17:35

DP has never bought me flowers or given me a valentines gift in the 17 years we have been together. I used to give him things until I realised that he only accepted them to be nice and that he would much rather not get anything. He is a tightwad, it's true, but that's a good thing because it means we have almost paid off our mortgage, can afford for me to stay home with the children and are financially secure. I'd take that over flowers and champagne any day, but if you don't feel that way, then you need to talk about it rather than getting upset but not saying anything.

Pandemoniaa · 15/02/2013 18:24

This.

But the difference between us, and you, OP is that both DP and I agree that Valentine's Day is a pile of commercialised shyte. We really have absolutely no time for it and treat it with contempt. But that's mutual contempt. If he were to suddenly come home with cards and presents on 14th February I'd think he had lost his marbles.

It doesn't stop us exchanging gifts at other times of the year though.

I'm a bit surprised that after 20 years of marriage you expect your DH to suddenly behave differently, tbh. It might be that he is a tightwad but it may also be that he takes a principled stance and it would be U to expect him to do differently.

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